Dear anita,

hm, I don’t think that this is what happened here. I mean it wasn’t necessary for him to tell me that he wasn’t feeling good. I don’t think he did this. The feeling I have was that at first, he was interested in  me. Maybe just for sex, I don’t know. He was really busy. I also didn’t ask for anything. At that point I thought that I will become more of a part of his life, once we get to know each other better.

After he moved away, the two times he wanted to visit me failed. Once, he informed me the same day he wanted to visit me, but I had other plans. Then I tried to please everyone and suggested that we could still see each other after I was back and that he could spend the night. That must have seemed very strange. He declined that offer. But if all he would have wanted was sex, it would have been easy to say yes to this. So this was decent of him. O.K.: this actually could confirm your theory: the next day he told me he was losing, faith, which had me worried. So I asked him if I can do anything for him, if I should come to visit him. But he declined.

The second time he wanted to visit me, he also only told me one or two days before. But I was sick and got worried of infecting him, which is why I informed him of my illness. Then he didn’t respond, only a few hours before we were supposed to meet. And he didn’t express clearly if he wanted to meet me or not, only said that he was “on his way”. But after he hadn’t answered me, I assumed that he didn’t want to meet me. Also him not answering me had made me feel stressed and crazy and I was in a bad mood. So in my reply to him I also didn’t ask specifically if he still wanted to see me and didn’t say what I want. Later I asked him if he wanted to talk more about what happened, but he ignored this question.

So then he often only wrote to me saying “how are you”, answering me, but not really answering me. Not telling me anything about his life. Sometimes he seemed more interested again and we had a phone call (by the way, I had to call him most of the time, because he didn’t have the money he said…). On the phone, he asked when I will come to visit him, but we said we would plan this out later. When I later inquired when I should come for a visit, he ignored it. I later asked again (which I regret now, I feel like I pushed myself onto him), so we found a date for our meeting. It didn’t go so well, I was very uncomfortable.

After the visit he went back to giving me his non-answers. I guess I should have gotten the hint. But once I also asked him directly if he was still interested and he said he had just been sick. Then I saw that he was “single” on facebook, which led to the phone call which ended it.

My impression: he wanted to end it sooner, but didn’t have the guts to tell me. He said some times to me, that he wants no problems. Also said “life is easy”. My interactions with him were stressful and not easy, so he wanted out of it. That is also what he said on the phone: “A relationship should be nice, not always stressful.”

He seems like a person, who wants to appear good. He seems to avoid to talk about problems. On the phone it seemed like he didn’t tell the whole truth. He acted like I was asking for too much of his time, which doesn’t make sense. He had time to talk to others, when I was with him…

I feel guilty for pushing myself onto him too much, but on the other hand, he still kept replying, he could have said “stop” too. Instead he left hints, also said that he was just too busy and that everyone was angry at him for not replying back.

I also feel guilty for dating, when having my own psychological problems to resolve. It was irresponsible of me, but I thought that a relationship (yes, I know this was none) could be possible for me. I feel sorry for stressing him. At least I have learned my lesson.

So this is what I think happened. does it make sense? I still feel confused.

At least I don’t think I am not the only person who did wrong. I still have feelings of guilt.

I am sorry for still writing so much about this. Hopefully I can move on soon, focus what is really important for my life.

Dear anita,

I don’t want to go back. It got me stressed that he wrote to me. I couldn’t sleep and my heart is still racing.

But I offered him to talk about everything, if he wants to, because I got worried that he wasn’t doing well. He wrote we can talk tomorrow. I answered we can talk, he can let me know when he has time. He only responded “I will let you know.” and I don’t intend on answering this anymore, only if he really wants to talk. Because in the case that he wasn’t a bad person, I would like to give him the opportunity to talk about everything. It might have been wrong. But I definitely don’t want to start any thing more than a final phone call with him again…

Regarding my father and grandmother: I don’t spend so much time with them any more. I seldomly see my grandmother. But I talk to my father once a week. This Christmas I visited them for a week. I got the feeling that they thought it wasn’t enough time and that they were disappointed. My mother asked me when I will come to visit them once the semester is over and to celebrate my birthday. I feel pressured…

I’m glad your leg it getting better. It must be hard to be taken out of your routine! Hopefully you can still find some other things to do that make you feel well!

Now I will go and meet a friend. See you later or on another day!

Dear anita,

I hope it was o.K. to ask about not writing in third person. Like I said, I want to try to assert myself more, speak up more. So this was a little experiment. Because I learned that people will only respect you more, when you speak up for yourself. I want to do more of this in my life, so I wanted to start here.

Maybe stumbling in the dark and feeling crazy is what I feel, when I try to find out what others want. Then I try to act in the way it is expected, but it leads to bad decisions. So from know on, I have the intention of listening more to myself.

Yesterday I was watching a Youtube video criticizing the Youtuber “hidinginmyroom”, who talks a lot about his personal life, very bluntly, sharing very personal details about his life. So I guess I was looking at the criticism and applying it to myself (I often do this – take criticism for others and ask myself if I’m also guilty of it). Even before watching this, I had worried a little about it. Sometimes I get paranoid. I’m not completely decided if I want to delete this or not. The conversation with you has helped me a lot to see things clearer. It also helped me in my times of distress. Just sometimes I think: whoever reads this will think that I am crazy.

Today I also chatted with my sister. She is now away at a seminar for her job. My father apparently immediately worried that this company is not serious. So I joked to my sister: “Have you been brainwashed and joined a cult yet?” and after she showed me some pictures of her room I said “I see you haven’t been kidnapped yet”. So we talked a little bit about my father. He is worrying all the time and he can drive you really crazy. He is the kind of person that would tell you everything that can go wrong, one day before you have a surgery. I recently noticed that my grandmother is similar. We are not very close, but whenever we talk on the phone, she tells me about all the murders that recently happened in my city…

Anyways, I guess this could be the source of my irrational, fear-based thinking. My sister also told me that she feels often guilty and has a hard time saying no. She also feels guilty, when she is not listening to my father enough. Conversations with him are more like a speech, where he doesn’t react so much to what the other person has to say. He has no friends… I feel kind of sorry for him.

Unlike me, my sister liked my father as a child until puberty. She also didn’t feel hated by him and he didn’t say such things to her like he did to me. But she was also his favourite. He was always on her side and even read books to her. My mother once said something like, that he was somewhat jealous of me when I was first born, because I got so much attention?

Sorry, I just wanted to respond quickly, but it got very long again.

How are you doing today? Is your leg better? Have a good day away from the computer!

Dear anita,

yes I am feeling much better today. Now after the sports class with my friend I feel quite happy and satisfied. To be honest, I am relieved that this thing with K. is over. It caused me lots of stress and anxiety and I was overwhelmed.

I think I’m not too irrational much of the time. Mainly when stressed and I try to please people too much, that’s when problems start. With people I’m more comfortable with, it’s easier for me to say no and tell my true opinion. Your advice to make decisions when calmer is valid. I want to try to take a moment to think before saying yes from now on. And also think more about what I want.

So far I didn’t think I hurt my therapist. But I have to admit that I worried that I am a too complicated patient. In the last sessions it was a little tense. Because the same thing as always happened, I didn’t trust myself and let her dominate the session. And she didn’t feel that I was feeling uncomfortable, so she got worried. I will see how it goes on Friday.

Good to hear that your leg is doing better. It is not easy to overcome that inner critic, so be kind to yourself. Maybe at first you partly thought you were guilty, but then you realized that it isn’t true. That is the most important thing. And the pain must have been intense. I always get angry, when feeling pain. It is o.K. to not always think or act perfectly, don’t you think? But it’s easy to say! I often get so afraid of making mistakes and get too perfectionist. But that is something I want to let go of, hopefully, at some point.

Please continue to get better. And thank you. It helped me talking to you yesterday when I was feeling so distressed!

Dear anita,

thank you for your help! I wish you a good day, please be good to yourself as well today and take some time to rest!

Dear anita,

but what if he is feeling so bad that he can’t call? I’m so scared. If I only disrespected myself, I can live with it and forgive myself at some point. But if I damaged him, even though I never wanted it, I could never forgive myself. Today I even went kind of dizzy when I was walking outside – that never happens to me.

He seemed like a good person, I know you don’t think so. Of course, I didn’t know him well.

The way he treated me, of course, was showing disinterest. He didn’t respond to me often and never let me be part of his life. But maybe he was really busy? My friend said, that it doesn’t make sense that he really doesn’t have time to call or text me. Because when he was with me, he was always on the phone, talking to someone else. One time, he even called someone, after texting with them on his smartphone while we were eating out. He didn’t ask me a lot of questions, didn’t seem to want to know more about my life. He never had much time for me. His work, studies and family were always more important to him. Once he wanted to come over to my place to spend the night, after he returned from a night out with his friends. He said he would return at about 2 am, so I declined. In the beginning he gave me a lot of compliments, but most were about my looks. Only once he said that he liked about me that I was so nice and that I liked people. He also said “I love you” very quickly and wanted to have unprotected sex. And he said he wanted to have a baby with me, which I found strange and thoughtless.

Those are things that I find disrespectful and show that he was not interested. But on the other hand, he told me about his work and his family. He seemed so kind and friendly. He told me I was a good person. He always asked if I was o.K. and said he could wait when it comes to sex.

While typing this, I’m realizing I can’t come up with a lot of reasons why I think he is a good person… It was more of a vibe that he gave to me, when we were together. His actions told me otherwise.

Dear anita,

thank you!

Dear anita,

I don’t want to date any men, I already said it. And usually I don’t meet men. That I met K. was just by accident, you don’t have to worry. Usually I don’t start a conversation with men. When men approach me on the street, I usually ignore them or don’t talk to them.

Only because I met him at home and I knew his sister, I thought that everything was going to be o.K. I didn’t realize, that I am not ready for a relationship, but now I do. I don’t want to hurt anyone or drag a man into my problems. Those are strong reasons for me to really not date anyone.

Right now I can only feel that that this inner critic is right. Maybe when I was an innocent child it wasn’t right, but now it is. A person that is not disgusting wouldn’t do such a thing. It would be the best, if I just didn’t exist!

• This reply was modified 5 years, 10 months ago by Lily.