Dear anita,

hopefully, I did not pass on the pain to others. However, I am not a saint. In my childhood, I would often fight with my sister and I also hit her. Also, I was disrespectful to my parents. I probably said hurtful things to them, because I wanted to not be weak. Often I worry that I might have hurt my ex in some way or another. But in his case, I have never had any intention to hurt him at all! While in my childhood? Did I want to hurt my family?? I think I wanted to be strong myself and I thought for a while that being strong meant being loud and saying cuss words. I hadn’t understood back then that you can be strong and quiet and sensitive at the same time! I tried for a very long time to be something I am not. It took me so long to completely understand!

It is however not my intention to hurt others. It is not who I want to be. I do not want to mistreat anyone! Sometimes I will say something stupid and also I can have angry feelings towards a person. But I would like to be a person who is kind to others.

Thank you for your kind words! It motivates me to try to be friendly to people. No matter what happens, I don’t want my heart to become bitter and give up. And I don’t want to pass on the pain to others.

Today I was feeling a bit tired again, as I hadn’t slept that well. The good thing today was that I tried a new recipe which was delicious! It was millet with tomato and fried vegetables. Recently, I tried out some other grains, instead of eating rice all the time. Then I also wrote down the recipe in my recipe collection along with some other recipes. Let’s be honest: this was a form of procrastination from starting a new illustration… It is always harder to start again. But after looking at the pages I already finished I feel more motivated again. I think I will make a small sketch now. Today I also read and I drew just for fun.

Tomorrow is a workday, so there will be less time for other things. But I still would like to find some time to draw.

Take care!

Dear anita,

the third test was more of a surprise to me too… But I was thinking, it can’t hurt.

Well, I don’t know if I am delicate. In some ways, I think I am not delicate at all. Often I don’t give up easily, I also moved to new places on my own four times, went to live in another country for a few months… In school, I was always the person who had to catch the spider. I could go for 7 or more hour-long walks. I worked as a room maid, even though I was too slow, I did not give up and it is a physically hard job. I am facing my problems, working on myself… I can take criticism. Those are things where I think I am not fragile/delicate…

In social interactions, I am often very unsure of myself. And yes, I get easily worried and lose balance. Then I am often seeking reassurance, but I need to learn to reassure myself. When I have more information, or when I can talk about it, I become more secure. On the other hand, I can become very insecure if a person I ask for reassurance ignores me or doesn’t respond well. Or if the communication is just very bad. But I have to become more independent of other people’s opinions.

With the Corona tests and figuring out that it was probably just my allergies, I was feeling safer and less nervous. Now I also took the medication and am feeling better again.

Today I did yoga in the morning, then finished the painting of project B. Later I worked on project C, did my laundry, and cleaned for a bit. I am content with myself. Tomorrow I want to finish the illustration I am currently working on for project C, maybe make some sketches for the next and work on project B. Also, do yoga or exercise or go for a walk and clean up for a bit.

Thank you for wishing me a good night! I did sleep better and felt better today. Until tomorrow!

Dear anita,

I am still feeling tired. The last two nights I did not sleep well. Yesterday I went for a walk and later cleaned our flat. But I was starting to feel like I am getting a cold, then I bought two Corona tests. Luckily, the one I took was negative. It’s maybe just my pollen allergies. But I still made ginger tea and chicken soup to heal myself. Even though I only did mundane things, I was running around all day. And during the night, my nose was always running and I could not sleep well.

Today I cleaned my room and started to paint, but now I am thinking it might be o.K to just read something and relax for a bit, as I am still feeling tired. Hopefully, it will be better tomorrow. Well, I am feeling pretty good, just tired and I have a blocked nose. It’s not too bad. Tomorrow I can buy medication against allergies. For now, I will allow myself to rest.

Tomorrow I should go to work, normally. Now I am feeling a bit insecure. I will take the second corona test in the morning and see how I feel. I don’t know if I am exaggerating and worrying too much… It’s probably just my allergies. I am just a bit insecure about how to act regarding work. But the test was negative, so all should be o.K.!

Hope you are doing good and have a nice Sunday!

Dear anita.

today was another calm workday. I realized that I really like my co-worker. She is so strong and confident, but at the same time really kind. We got along well. We talked a bit about everyday things and it was really fun. Sometimes I still worried about saying the wrong things and being awkward.

With my work tasks, sometimes I did really well. On several occasions today I felt like I could really help the clients and be kind to them. Then I was content with myself. But sometimes not. Especially today when the manager was around I made lots of mistakes and said some awkward things, I felt. Then the feelings of being a loser came back. But later I told myself that I should focus on the positive and progress, not on my fears. Now I am feeling better.

About sounding insecure: you are right, this reaction is not controlled. Better than blaming myself, would be to work on it. If I get more routine, I become more secure and sound more professional. And I have improved already!

After work, I met my friend. We know each other for a long time, since 2005, but we still are not that close. After I moved to her city of origin, we had more contact again. We only meet from time to time. It was o.K., but I worried that I said some depressing things. I should stop myself from that, but sometimes it’s hard. Maybe we should plan our meetings better next time. It was still good to see her and the place we went to was beautiful. Lots of flowers and blossoming trees. I was also thinking of you when I saw white blossoms today!

Plans for tomorrow:

– Clean the flat including my room

– Exercise / Go out for a bit

– Work for uni

Dear anita,

the blossoms from the trees of course are beautiful, but also, if they get exposed to the frost for too long they will be destroyed and it could endanger the harvest (fruit trees). Maybe it could also be bad for insects if a source of food gets harmed.

Today I still saw some blossoms and I hope they will survive!

This morning I went to work. It was more of a stressful day with lots of phone calls and people asking questions. Also, lots of administrative work, that we didn’t manage to get completely done.

A client seemed angry with me, I think I didn’t communicate well with him. I didn’t know how to fix his problem, so I forwarded him to someone on the phone that would likely know better. I think I become impatient sometimes, especially when I feel insecure and don’t know the answer. Then I quickly give up and forward the problem to someone else. I need to work on that! Maybe I can find the solution myself. However, in this case, I don’t think it was really my place to make this decision?

My social skills still need work. I make lots of mistakes. It seems to happen quite often that I communicate badly with people and they get angry at me. I get very hectic, I become fearful and try to say the right things, or try to find a quick solution. It is better to slow down and take my time. I wish that those things would come easier to me. Sometimes, then I decided it is easier to avoid the whole situation, like in the dormitory. I felt like everything I did is wrong, so I better stepped out of the way. But it is no solution.

Anyways, I am still feeling relatively o.K. I did do yoga after work, for 20 minutes and I read. But I did not work on my project. Better try again tomorrow.

I need to remind myself that I am trying my best and that I am still learning. That I don’t have to be perfect.

Dear anita,

thank you, I did sleep well last night.

Today was a strange weather day, stormy with snow, hail then sun, then snow again. So I stayed inside and worked on project C. I was making sketches and tests and will soon finish another double page. Also, I read and journaled.

Tomorrow I want to work more on it. Besides that, I want to cook food for the next few days and hopefully exercise/do yoga.

Until tomorrow.

Dear anita,

o.K., I misunderstood. But living in the woods is also nice. One day I would also like to live more close to nature.

But for now, I have to enjoy the nature I have around. You are right, the nettles are best when young. I have to make more of an effort to get out more.

Still, my day was overall o.K. today. I did not accomplish everything I set out to do, but a bit. In the morning I read a book about German history, I cooked a healthy dinner and worked on my illustration. Maybe it was not that much, but I know what to do next. In the evening I talked to my sister and we can talk pretty well about everything. At the moment she is the person I can talk most openly to.

I am trying to become more content with myself and maybe not expect too much. I think I am making progress.

Tomorrow I would like to continue on that illustration and maybe journal about my goals, which I wanted to do for a longer time.

Dear anita,

today I went to therapy, then work and after that I drew for a short time and did 10 minutes of yoga.

The progress I made was that I did draw and do yoga, despite being already tired. Even if it was just for a few minutes.

Today in therapy we also talked about why I am sabotaging myself. So at one hand, I want my drawings to be seen, but on the other I fear getting judged. I have a big worry about getting judged, a fear that if I was more successful, more people would see the drawings and I lose control over who sees it. And that then, people would criticize it or me and make me out to be a horrible person… Also I become afraid of people’s expectations, disappointing their expectations. Maybe these things are reasons why I stand in my own way.

Tomorrow I want to work more on my drawings for project C, exercise and stick to my routines.

But for now I will go to sleep. Have a good day!