Hi Cheska,

I experience a lot of relationship anxiety too, so you’re not alone <3. First off, you’re on the right track looking to understand the root of your anxiety so it doesn’t spill over into meaningful relationships in the future. Anita is absolutely right, you have to look closely at your childhood experiences because they effectively have determined your attachment style as an adult.

A few steps to take that I think would be helpful for you in your journey to understanding:

1. Google Attachment Theory and Codependency to help understand the underlying causes of your anxiety

2.Don’t run from your anxiety, instead turn towards it. Anxiety, while upsetting, is really your inner self asking fervently to be heard and indicates that you have a basic need (love, acceptance, reassurance, certainty) that isn’t being met. Check out Don Miguel Ruiz’s allegory of the Magical Kitchen to understand how to fulfill your own needs. Also check out the Mastery of Love by the same author. It’s really powerful stuff.

3.Use “I” statements when you’re upset/anxious. I also have had tantrums in the past because I had a hard time expressing that a need was going unmet in a relationship. The best way around a tantrum is to diffuse it by stating out loud how you feel at the moment. Sounds weird but it really does the trick, especially when you’re trying to tell your S/O what’s going on in your head.

4. On that same ticket-be vulnerable. Find someone you feel safe with like a therapist and practice being vulnerable and asking for what you need. This is key to having good relationships.

5. Be compassionate with yourself. It’s going to take years to get where you want to go and you are going to feel like you’re failing every step of the way. So be nice to yourself and don’t label yourself needy or clingy. Those words just keep you from seeing how wonderful and valuable you really are. You deserve love no matter what.

Best of luck

M

A.J.,

You deserve what we all do and that is to have your needs met, so in this case-you deserve better.

Don’t settle for those who simply pay attention to you. Wait, work on understanding yourself, read up about positive relationships, listen to podcasts, seek out more positive friends and role models in your life.

The person that’s going to check all the boxes will appear right when they are supposed to if you do all this. Might take a couple of tries and you may have to wait for some time. The cool thing is the more you learn about yourself, the less alone you’ll feel while you wait for Ms.Right.

And, how will you know when you’re on the right track? This link should give you an idea.  https://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/1608813

Dont get me wrong, being alone sucks but you’re never truly as alone as you think. Keep writing, venting, and asking good questions here. You have to go through this but you don’t have to go through it alone- the TB community is here for you.

Best Wishes,

Maria

Hi Phil,

Thank you for reaching out and telling us what’s going on, Depersonalization and Derealization can be pretty traumatic and frightening experiences. It’s good to hear you overcame the initial wave of DPDR, but it sounds like it’s still going on, you’re in a fugue state, and if you haven’t already you need to get some help from a trained therapist. It will only get worse if you don’t see someone, it does not go away on it’s own.

I experience DPDR too so I know what you’re going through, you’re not alone!! I thought my head was really sick just like you do and kept the scary, obsessive thoughts and feelings of being in a movie a secret from everyone. I thought I was a monster or a lunatic. But the more I learned about it, the less alone I felt. A lot of people experience this and there are even great videos on YouTube talking about what to do when you experience an episode.

One great way I bring myself back to the present is to hold a piece of ice in my hand for a while. Another trick I learned is to do the 54321 method: look around the room and list 5 things you see, then 4 things you hear, 3 things you smell, 2 things you taste, and 1 thing you feel on your skin (like the texture of the carpet or the coldness of the aforementioned ice cube). Do that repeatedly until you’re back in the land of the living.

And lastly, what’s helped me the most (besides therapy) is when I get those dark thoughts like those you mentioned about your brain telling you that you should be dead, is to remember that they are just thoughts and they CAN’T harm you or others.

You’re not alone! Get help and try some new tricks to bring yourself back. In my experience, meditation is a fantastic maintenance tool to stay in the present, but not a great rescue technique when you are severely depersonalized.

Much love and much luck to you Phil.

-Maria

Hi North Star76,

It is perfectly okay not to bounce back from this after only a week! This relationship obviously meant a great deal to you and it will probably take quite some time for you to work through all of the emotions it’s stirred up. I feel that you are deeply hurt by the way this man ended things with you but I also think (correct me if I’m wrong) that you may be more hurt because you opened up to someone finally and were shot down. It’s a horrible feeling I know, like getting the wind knocked out of you!

So you finally let down your wall and it didn’t go too well…this time.Funny thing about walls: even though they keep us safe, they keep us isolated as well. Once they are knocked down you’re free to go wherever you please. So after you’ve recovered from this hurt, where will you go? Will you spend time rebuilding the wall to keep yourself lonely and safe, or will you step over the bricks, take what you learned about being open and free with another human being and try again? There is no right answer, only what is right for you.

Please keep posting, sadness is so much easier to handle with some support! Good luck!

Cheers,

M