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You know it really, really sucks that you feel so alone as you’ve said it’s incredibly painful and I bet you feel like it will never end. I can definitely empathize with you on that. What happened to you was really terrible end of story.
You want to know how to make people love you? The answer is you don’t have to. We, as in all the people that regularly post at this site, love you. I’ll say it again: WE LOVE YOU ALREADY. You won’t believe that but it is again, the truth.
I wont give you anymore advice because you are very wrapped up in hating yourself at a level that is way higher than I’m equipped to handle. You will not hear a word I have to say and that is 100% fine, this is a safe place for you to vent and yell and rail and get out whatever demons you need to. So keep posting and just know that we’re all here to listen.
It might seem strange to you but I’ve been following this all day long because I am really truly feeling your pain, you write very well, very emphatically and I hope you keep using that medium to work things out.
Good luck and lots of love,
I see what you did there, very clever haha. You are right, humor is always a good way to break the ice in a tense situation! This is all great advice that I’ll certainly take to heart, thank you very much!
Thanks for the advice it is much appreciated :)!
Way to go reaching out for help, it’s a big step even! If you are looking for advice, here’s a few things that might help you:
First the most important thing is to get into therapy (if you haven’t already done so) to discover the reasons behind your depression. Once you’re there, be totally honest with yourself and your therapist, if you hold back you may never get to the bottom of what’s causing you to have attacks.
Second, you said that you’ve been depressed since as far back as you can remember. You should ask yourself why, what are/were the circumstances around you that set off depressed feelings. I’m guessing something very bad happened when you were younger that is causing you pain still so you should go back to find out what that is.
Keep a journal of your thoughts. Fill it with writing prompts that ask you to look inwardly (you can find a lot of those online), fill it with your stream of consciousness, and fill it with things that inspire you to keep moving forward.
Check out “The Four Agreements” by Don Miguel Ruiz, it’s a book that can turn your whole world around if you let it.
And keep writing here. You’ve been fighting alone for a long time it seems, but everyone here is fighting the same battle so you are not alone!
Cheers and good luck,
You are very welcome! A retreat sounds like a great idea for you to get away and get in touch with your inner self.
Good luck to you and keep posting, you are definitely not alone in this!
It’s really fantastic that you’ve made such a change from a people pleaser to someone who follows their own heart. I really admire that!
You wrote that you need to “fix” your people pleasing behavior. First off, you do not need to fix anything, you are already perfect underneath all of the junk that the rest of the world has heaped on to you. Your true self is simply waiting to be revealed.
Second, you have absolutely no control over the cycles of life so whether you “fix” yourself or not is irrelevant, what will happen will happen no matter what. Troubles and challenges will never stop coming your way, you cannot change that. What you can change is how you react to these challenges. Positive thinking and a commitment to inner growth will help you greatly. So, maybe you lost the thing you really wanted today but I have no doubt the situation will rise again in the future and that gives you some time to reflect on what lessons this current situation has taught you. If you do that instead of feeling ashamed and hopeless, you’ll find that when you are faced with the same crossroads again, you’ll be better able to handle it than you were the last time. Don’t fight the cycles of life, it is wasted energy that could be put to better use.
So to sum that very long paragraph up: You want to know what direction to take at your crossroads? None. Sit down and listen very carefully to your heart, think back on what lessons you have learned, and be totally brutally honest with yourself about what you want ( that is the most important part!).
You might find that the answer you are looking for is already there in your heart just waiting for you to ask a different question.
First off, please, please don’t beat yourself up about being naive and allowing this to continue for so long, you deserve much better for yourself!
The truth is, you can’t know what you don’t know.
When you’re young, as you were when you met your boyfriend, you just don’t have the life experience or the emotional intelligence to realize when someone is being emotionally abusive. Emotional abuse is really insidious and even people who have been on the Path for years and years can fall prey to it. In your case, you did realize something was funny about the situation in the beginning but it seems that you just didn’t have the tools yet to formulate a proper response to it. So try not to get caught in that self blame spiral, it will only keep you down.
Now you are waking up and gaining some new emotional tools that will help you rise up out of this bad situation. And I do believe that your relationship is bad for you and for him as well. I concur with everyone when they say you should really cut ties with this man. He has a lot of work to do on himself and so do you, because you both deserve to be happy.
You’ve done so much and grown so much already. You have a really brilliant future ahead of you I’m sure of it, you just have to learn now that you are good enough (you are and you always have been) to reach that future. Change is hard and scary, but remember its worth it and we are all here for you so post anytime!
- This reply was modified 4 years, 6 months ago by Maria Mango.
Hi there Learningeveryday (that’s a really great name to go by by the way :),
I think that it’s really important to be asking why this person’s judgement affects you so much because it shows a maturity and will undoubtedly lead you to a new level of growth!
On that note, I would ask not just what is it specifically about that person that made you desire their approval from a young age even though they are not (presumably) a parent or a relative? I went through the exact same situation (I’m not just saying that, when I read this I was like “whoa that’s me”). When I was young my father died and my mother had a long lasting mental breakdown, all of this led to the young adult me really craving attention and acceptance from someone, anyone who was not my family. This made me easy prey for someone very similar to the person you described.
SO I would ask you, is there something from the difficult upbringing you spoke of, a need that was not fulfilled for you as a child that this person seems to provide you? If yes, that may be why you once accepted the judgement because this person once was a stand in but now you are outgrowing that and questioning things (which is always good).
Keep your head up and never stop challenging yourself!! You are not alone 🙂
Thanks Anita 🙂
Thanks for your advice. It must have been tough to make a move like yours, but you have a such a great attitude about it, it’s very inspiring :D! I’ll definitely be joining some groups here to get myself out there to find some like minded people.
And yes it’s true, Americans are very chatty and forward, especially where I now live haha!
Good luck with everything, keep your head up 😀
Thanks for your advice, it’s always good to have your perspective!
You guessed it, I am an all or nothing kind of gal or at least I was. I have been working on matching my expectations with reality and it is definitely hard sometimes. When I get into a situation like I’m in now, the all or nothing mentality seems to be amplified by stress. I will absolutely be partaking in some good outside time, there’s a lot of that here 🙂 and it will surely help my stress level.
It’s good to know that you and the Tiny Buddha community are out there, I definitely feel less alone! I’ll be posting a lot in the next couple of weeks for sure!
-MMay 14, 2016 at 5:51 am in reply to: Need suggestions on dealing with grasping and loneliness #104501
You’re pretty brave to challenge your loneliness! It’s hard, I know, I struggle with those kind of feelings too. What you’re going through will pass in time but I bet knowing that doesn’t really help with how awful you must feel today.
I remember a post here on Tiny Buddha about pain and loss I think and the author referenced an old children’s rhyme to frame their struggle: (I’m paraphrasing here for sure) “We’re going on a bear hunt…oh a cave (the cave is narrow and scary and has a bear at the end of it, yikes!) we can’t go over it, we can’t go under it, we have to go through it…”
So basically to get to the prize at the end of the cave/entire journey, the characters in the story had to just go through the tough parts the best they could. The author likened that to their own journey, about how in order to move forward, it was essential to acknowledge and really feel the pain they were going through. Instead of fighting it, they embraced the pain and gave its own space to exist in their life and in turn that made the pain a little easier to deal with each day.
Of course, I’m not saying wallow in your loneliness! I’m saying just accept that its there, and it’s going to be a part of you for a while so take a minute or two each day and just feel it. Sit quietly and acknowledge your struggle and then move on with your day the best you can. I think you’ll find that every day you’ll have a little more energy because you’re not fighting so hard to be happy.
Just let it be!
Good luck and I hope this helps!
I think you are absolutely right, it’s probably for the best not to have contact. Some clarity will maybe help me move forward.
Thanks for responding!
I understand his getting his needs met by someone else but why not tell me and save both of us the hardship?
At one point maybe I did revel in the fact that he was protective and wanted to take care of me, but over the last two years I realized how much I didn’t want that. i will admit I began pushing him away at the point I realized that, but I guess I didn’t know how to reconcile our relationship into a friendship and I held on emotionally. I counted on him like one would a family member and now i see that
was unfair on my part because he was feeling obligated to me while wanting to move on with this other woman.
I have absolutely no idea what to do from here. I’m so confused and hurt but not surprised. I guess I made the decision back when I decided I wanted different things from life than to be taken care of by him so I can’t be mad. I love him and I feel like I pushed away my best friend.
Thanks Anita, next time I will be more assertive!