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“Wherever you go, there you are” -Jon Kabat-Zinn
To answer your question-Home can be anywhere for me as long as I focus on making that place my home
Like you, I had never really felt at home anywhere. I’d always been the type to move, move, move-constantly wishing I was somewhere else (read: somewhere better, someplace with some people that make me happy). I also wished that every new place would make me someone else, someone more likable, cooler, stronger, better.
But what I’m realizing now is that I need to stay awhile and live with that discomfort. If I’m always wishing to be somewhere else, I’ll never be present long enough to discover all of the wonderful things a place has to offer even if it does take a while and might seem lonely. I’m trying this in the newest place I have moved and have had some phenomenal opportunities for growth, friendships, and self discovery. It’s definitely uncomfortable and lonely at times but I know down the road things will improve if I keep an open mind.
You carry home in your heart, it’s not a geography but a feeling. You just have to figure out what walls you put up around your heart that stop you from connecting with the world around. Once those come down, you’ll feel home everywhere you go and the search will be over.
Human connection seems like it should be the most simple thing in the world to find-after all that’s really what the majority of us are looking for. But because of all the barriers we put up against pain, making deep connections with others can seem nearly impossible. Remember: like so many things in life, this is a learning experience and if you haven’t had a lot of good experience connecting with others (especially during the formative childhood years) the process will be slow and difficult at first. Don’t get discouraged!
A couple questions for you:
1. What are the attitudes of people are you trying to connect with?
2. Have you noticed any patterns in the people you chose to open up to?
3. What does rejection feel like to you?
Hi Jazzhands 805,
Your twenties, you’re doing them right.
If you want, please elaborate on what you think is the underlying cause of this anxiety and depression you are feeling, we’re all here to listen. In the meantime I have some advice:
Hear me out on this: your early twenties are not actually the best time of your life-that comes a little bit later when you’re close to your thirties after you have a few more things figured out. But life only gets better if you push through hard times like this and learn from your pain. And this pain is totally normal, everyone experiences it when they get out into life to find that it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. But the difference is not many people learn from it. I believe by reaching out to this forum, you are willing to own your situation and change direction now to make your future better
When I was 22 I went through exactly the same thing and then I heard this: your life is like a boat on the ocean, it goes wherever you head it. And like a captain of a ship, if you make even tiny, tiny change in your heading now while you’re in the midst of the seemingly endless expanse of the ocean, your end destination will be radically altered.
So that means even though you feel like nothing is happening to make you feel better today, the choices you make can help you get to the destination you are seeking. Though the ocean may be rough, you’ve already made one great choice to go to counseling. Some other choices that will change your heading:
Simple steps to start out with (bear with me, they may seem silly but they helped me when I didn’t feel like I could get out of bed)
-Make sure you brush your teeth everyday
-Take a shower everyday
-Eat breakfast everyday (start with anything, even if it’s a donut, just get into the habit of eating in the morning)
-Drink lots of water
-Read a ton of books
-Find a supportive group on campus
-Wrap yourself up in fluffy pajamas and drink a ton of tea in the evenings, make sure you get enough sleep
-Keep going to therapy and tell the truth, the whole truth, never hide anything from your therapist because they can’t help you unless you tell them exactly what’s bothering you.
Some more advanced steps once you start to feel like your mood is evening out
-Focus on a sport or exercise
-Focus on your finances
-Attend meditation classes or yoga classes (perhaps your uni has free classes)
-Research internet resources (there are many on this site under the “home tab-helpful free resources” that can help you start to educate yourself about the root causes of anxiety and depression)
-Start working towards eating a healthy breakfast
-Start journaling or just writing anything
-Keep writing here, it’s a great place to vent
I’m just going to leave those there, it’s up to you to find what works best, these are just things that helped me. Just remember Self Care (the steps on the first list are basic Self Care steps that are easily eschewed during times of depression) is super important in this time and you deserve to do it for yourself!
I am certainly not an expert so please correct me if I’m wrong, but it sounds like you may be a bit depressed. From what you wrote you seem to have done a 180 and now don’t do any of the things you used to enjoy doing, you’re emotionally tired, you feel heartbroken, and you have identified that people can sense negativity coming from you.
Was your last breakup a rough one?
Have you seen a therapist about this feeling?
You’re welcome 🙂 Stay strong and remember you are worth a lot!
You didn’t do anything wrong. It seems like you respected his need for alone time and gave him space when he asked for it. It’s just that he is definitely not the right guy for you, in fact I would stay as far away from him as possible. Not letting you see his apartment, breaking plans suddenly, but still keeping you on the hook by saying he loves you and misses you are all classic signs of someone with something to hide. I understand that he is an introvert and that he may have trouble opening up to people, but after four months of dating, he should be comfortable enough to let you into his world fully if he were the guy for you. He’s keeping you at arm’s length for some reason or another that he’s not disclosing with you. He will come back and try to contact you again and keep you hooked only to pull away again and again, it’s a vicious cycle.
I would ask him some hard questions about where he thinks this relationship is going and see if it’s in line with what you also want. I think you’ll find a disparity there, which is fine as it’s just not right for whatever reason. Don’t be afraid to ask those questions, you are worth way more than the pain of wondering if it was you that messed up. You will find another guy that fits the bill and it’ll be even better because you were empowered from walking away from this particular experience.
You are strong and powerful! Never forget that! Keep posting here, this is a great community with lots of different points of views, very helpful!
Cheers and best of luck,
You are very welcome! I feel where you’re coming from, it’s so hard to objectively see a situation when you are feeling so hurt. I really hope things improve for you soon! In the meantime, journaling, posting, and answering those questions should help you sort out your feelings a little bit.
Best of luck,
Wow your journey is just incredible! You’ve overcome so much already! It seems like you really opened up and got yourself on the Path, but what people rarely tell you about the Path is that once you’re on it, the growth never stops and growth is painful. It often times seems like you are going in reverse, all these hard things seem to happen at once. But it’s like that old cliche goes: life only hands you the things it knows you can handle.
So these things are opportunities for growth, which you know because you’ve embraced it and you are pro-actively working towards getting stronger. Congratulations on quitting drinking as well as stepping out there to take your mindfulness course, those are huge steps! Now as you move forward, you have to intensively question why you felt the need to binge drink as a result of peer pressure. Did you feel like you would miss out or that your friends wouldn’t like you anymore? Is there some underlying message you tell yourself as in “I’m not good enough” or “I don’t deserve to have healthy boundaries with my body”?
Best advice I got when I was going through this kind of stuff was to journal and exercise. I quit smoking after quite some time and exercise, mostly running, helped a ton. It also helps mediate anxiety. Researching and cooking new foods helped, I actually made my own cookbook at the request of my very first therapist and boy did that focus my energy! Find things that bring you joy and start focusing on them. Get a good routine going, that always helps too!
And keep posting here!
Cheers and good luck,
First off, you’re not alone!
Second, you wrote that you feel like you are never good enough for anyone that you decide to invest your love in. I’d like you to focus on that statement right there and ask yourself why you would feel that way? Investigate the core belief that keeps you running after someone who just can’t give you what you want, what you need, and most importantly what you deserve.
Because you do deserve better than someone who strings you along like that. It’s nothing against him, he obviously has his own issues to face before he can commit to a relationship and it’s certainly not a reflection on you or anything that you’re doing “wrong”.
I’ll repeat that: you have many excellent qualities I’m sure, it is simply that the other person in this equation is not able to see them because of his own unresolved problems. You are doing nothing wrong!
What was the moment in your life that made you think you weren’t special or worthy enough to be loved? Think hard and journal it out because it may be hidden. It’s not an easy or happy task to do but it’s one that will certainly change your relationships for the better.
Keep posting and know that the TB community is always here to listen!
Cheers and good luck,
You are better than that, that much is true.
Keep writing, keep posting but I don’t think I have any more answers for you at this time.
So much luck to you and I’ll keep my eyes peeled for your posts!
John, stop telling yourself you are unlovable, forget about dating and focus on improving your relationship with yourself and you won’t be single anymore.
Literally stop writing it, look in the mirror and tell yourself you are worth something, tell your therapist to kick rocks because you need to find one that can actually help you.
Look up positive affirmations. Recite them over and over again until you believe them.
Get a journal and write all your observations down.
Attend a support group for people with Aspergers.
Get off the online dating, they are so shallow it hurts.
Above all find the right therapist. There has got to be one out there that specializes in Aspergers patients, I would suggest if you are really interested in changing you seek that therapist out and put everything you have into fixing the relationship that really matters: the one with yourself.
I can promise your life will change if you do these things and you really mean them, you won’t be lonely anymore.
Whatever you chose we support you!
Cheers and good luck,
I can’t promise much, but I can promise I’ll never patronize you. I’ll always do my best to tell the truth as it is and be supportive.
You ask a lot of questions and then answer them yourself. You came here looking for other people to answer your questions but we can’t because you’ve already made your mind up. That’s fine as I said before, I can’t even begin to be foolish enough to tell you what you should think. I simply ask you to think on whether those answers are working for you anymore or are they just causing you pain. What would life be like if you changed your answers? Would it better, worse, the same?
How you feel about this whole thing is incredibly valid and personal, and I’ll never tell you otherwise. Thank you for sharing with me and I really enjoyed getting to know you, I won’t ask any more questions today!
Keep posting on this and as many threads as you need or want.
Cheers and good luck,
Thanks for responding so fully, you’ve given me some real insight.
You’ll have to forgive me I don’t know much about Asperger’s Syndrome. But you really give me some insight when you say that it’s like everyone else is speaking a language that you just can’t decipher very well. I’m guessing this makes you feel very much out of the loop in just about every situation. That’s rough, my friend!
Can you tell me more about what having Asperger’s is like and more about how you think it applies to your current situation?
Anytime my friend.
Having a loving family is a beautiful goal. You know most people want money or fame but you just want to have people to care about and who care about you, that’s a lovely and genuine aspiration which I think goes to show how much you actually do have to offer a potential mate.
Just a question, what is your approach to dating? Besides being unlovable or unlucky try to really think of other reasons why you think it hasn’t worked out for you. If this is too personal please don’t answer, I’ll understand.
Don’t stop writing, I think you have a lot of really important stuff to say!
So the two Marias finally meet lol!
Thank you so much for your kind words and advice, they really mean a lot!!