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thanks again for such thoughtful responses! We are working on getting out more and moving in a good direction.
I did want to clarify, neither of us are aggressive towards the other. Our fights are more like serious conversations that leave us feeling frustrated. We never name-call, yell, blame, or get physical with one another. Occasionally I’ll raise my voice but that really makes him shut down, so that doesn’t happen very often.
That being said, we do get very frustrated with each other and that does need to stop. We recently made some steps forward on the immigration front that have improved our situation. Someday soon we’ll be able to move out of the box but until then we’ll just have to keep doing our best.
Thanks for your thoughtful reply – he is going through the depression, the regular life stuff, and immigration proceedings and not being able to work legally so not a great time for us. He’s not outwardly mean, just withdrawn which is hard and sets off my anxiety. We also live in a tiny one room studio apartment, it’s hard for either of us to get away.
I like your advice, I used to go to the beach about once a month – it’s my sanctuary but since we’ve been married I have only been maybe once. Maybe I’ll go this weekend if the weather is still nice. I’m also looking into local mindfulness groups and support groups to get myself out of the house.
I guess I just really needed to vent, things are a little better today but I still feel like there’s just no hope our relationship will ever be the same. And that makes me really sad.
Thanks for listening
It actually sounds like you guys are starting something wonderful so I would urge you not to cut it off just yet!
You need to discuss your feelings in an assertive and positive way with your new boyfriend now rather than later. Otherwise it will bubble up into resentments because you’re not getting your need for connection met and you’ll either quit a good relationship or fight constantly. It will be especially bad if you wait until you go to different countries over the summer.
it is not needy to ask for what you want, and there’s nothing wrong with preferring that he texts you more often or initiates more dates. What others have said is correct, he is not in charge of your feelings but you can still be open and honest about how you feel. You may not always get the thing you prefer but asking goes a long way to meeting your own need for connection. And in the end, opening up and being vulnerable with him will probably bring you much closer.
You can always call him too. My boyfriend and I have been long distance for 6 months and have found that since we’re both busy during the day, a good phone call every night makes us both very happy and fulfills my need for daily connection and his need for space. We talk about this stuff a lot, especially communication and expectations and it’s brought us so much closer than even when we’re together physically.
Long story short, don’t bottle it up-that’s never healthy for any relationship. If this guy is the one , it’s time to discuss these things with him so your relationship has a good foundation!
Best of Luck!
I experience a lot of relationship anxiety too, so you’re not alone <3. First off, you’re on the right track looking to understand the root of your anxiety so it doesn’t spill over into meaningful relationships in the future. Anita is absolutely right, you have to look closely at your childhood experiences because they effectively have determined your attachment style as an adult.
A few steps to take that I think would be helpful for you in your journey to understanding:
1. Google Attachment Theory and Codependency to help understand the underlying causes of your anxiety
2.Don’t run from your anxiety, instead turn towards it. Anxiety, while upsetting, is really your inner self asking fervently to be heard and indicates that you have a basic need (love, acceptance, reassurance, certainty) that isn’t being met. Check out Don Miguel Ruiz’s allegory of the Magical Kitchen to understand how to fulfill your own needs. Also check out the Mastery of Love by the same author. It’s really powerful stuff.
3.Use “I” statements when you’re upset/anxious. I also have had tantrums in the past because I had a hard time expressing that a need was going unmet in a relationship. The best way around a tantrum is to diffuse it by stating out loud how you feel at the moment. Sounds weird but it really does the trick, especially when you’re trying to tell your S/O what’s going on in your head.
4. On that same ticket-be vulnerable. Find someone you feel safe with like a therapist and practice being vulnerable and asking for what you need. This is key to having good relationships.
5. Be compassionate with yourself. It’s going to take years to get where you want to go and you are going to feel like you’re failing every step of the way. So be nice to yourself and don’t label yourself needy or clingy. Those words just keep you from seeing how wonderful and valuable you really are. You deserve love no matter what.
Best of luck
MDecember 31, 2017 at 10:47 am in reply to: I overthink my feelings for my boyfriend and stress myself out #184503
As a chronic over thinker myself, I’m here for you! Thank you for posting, it sounds like you’re really struggling here.
It seems to me that you feel differently about your boyfriend now because he more or less betrayed your trust. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that and I think being detached is actually a step in the right direction here. Follow that feeling (or non-feeling in this case), explore it with your therapist. This person whom you very much love hurt you and it’s only natural that you are protecting yourself.
My question to you is this: have you spoken to your boyfriend about this? Have you told him how it makes you feel when he texts his ex? Sometimes just getting that elephant out of the room and having a deep conversation about what you both want in a relationship is just the trick to start the healing process.
So in short, you’re hurt and that’s okay. You need to heal from it just like a physical wound. It will take time and the expression of your feelings and needs to your boyfriend to make this healing happen. Best of luck, you seem like a lovely person and I wish you only the very best 🙂
Thank you Anita! I’m working on not being so reactive in the moment when I feel hurt, angry, lonely or tired-stepping away for a moment is a great strategy for me to practice. Thank you for suggesting it! I’ll probably post on this thread a few more times. Good to know there are kind people here to help :). Have a Happy New Year!!!
Thank you for your kind words, every type of advice is welcome and appreciated :). You’ve given good perspective here. As weirdly hard as it is for me to admit, I do agree that we’re together because both of us are kind, patient, and just have fun in general. I’m just trying really hard to avoid the not fun parts, but I guess that’s really inevitable in any relationship and I should stop fighting it and focus on being kinder to myself in the New Year. Thanks again, you are a very kind person to have answered so quickly and thoughtfully 🙂
You deserve what we all do and that is to have your needs met, so in this case-you deserve better.
Don’t settle for those who simply pay attention to you. Wait, work on understanding yourself, read up about positive relationships, listen to podcasts, seek out more positive friends and role models in your life.
The person that’s going to check all the boxes will appear right when they are supposed to if you do all this. Might take a couple of tries and you may have to wait for some time. The cool thing is the more you learn about yourself, the less alone you’ll feel while you wait for Ms.Right.
And, how will you know when you’re on the right track? This link should give you an idea. https://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/1608813
Dont get me wrong, being alone sucks but you’re never truly as alone as you think. Keep writing, venting, and asking good questions here. You have to go through this but you don’t have to go through it alone- the TB community is here for you.
<p style=”text-align: left;”>Hi A.J.,</p>
First off, you’re not alone-even if it feels like it! If you don’t mind me asking, have you considered that the girls you are approaching are not the right kind of girl for you?
From your description it seems like each girl is just really unavailable from the start and isn’t at all capable of reciprocating your kindness. If you want love and companionship, you’ll have to look towards someone who who can provide that for you. Big question is why are you chasing girls who can’t give you love when that’s all you want? You’ll have to look hard at yourself to figure that out.
I’ve seen you comment on here before on other posts, you certainly do seem to have a big heart! Someday, I know you’ll get to share that with someone who takes care of it, just make sure you choose wisely.
Much Love and Best of luck,
-MariaNovember 30, 2017 at 11:13 am in reply to: Please, please something is very wrong with my mind! #180085
Thank you for reaching out and telling us what’s going on, Depersonalization and Derealization can be pretty traumatic and frightening experiences. It’s good to hear you overcame the initial wave of DPDR, but it sounds like it’s still going on, you’re in a fugue state, and if you haven’t already you need to get some help from a trained therapist. It will only get worse if you don’t see someone, it does not go away on it’s own.
I experience DPDR too so I know what you’re going through, you’re not alone!! I thought my head was really sick just like you do and kept the scary, obsessive thoughts and feelings of being in a movie a secret from everyone. I thought I was a monster or a lunatic. But the more I learned about it, the less alone I felt. A lot of people experience this and there are even great videos on YouTube talking about what to do when you experience an episode.
One great way I bring myself back to the present is to hold a piece of ice in my hand for a while. Another trick I learned is to do the 54321 method: look around the room and list 5 things you see, then 4 things you hear, 3 things you smell, 2 things you taste, and 1 thing you feel on your skin (like the texture of the carpet or the coldness of the aforementioned ice cube). Do that repeatedly until you’re back in the land of the living.
And lastly, what’s helped me the most (besides therapy) is when I get those dark thoughts like those you mentioned about your brain telling you that you should be dead, is to remember that they are just thoughts and they CAN’T harm you or others.
You’re not alone! Get help and try some new tricks to bring yourself back. In my experience, meditation is a fantastic maintenance tool to stay in the present, but not a great rescue technique when you are severely depersonalized.
Much love and much luck to you Phil.
This is fantastic, peace and happiness really are a choice and you’ve mindfully chosen to embrace both! It’s very heartwarming and inspiring to see someone make that bold decision! Keep up the momentum and have fun out there 🙂
Hi North Star76,
It is perfectly okay not to bounce back from this after only a week! This relationship obviously meant a great deal to you and it will probably take quite some time for you to work through all of the emotions it’s stirred up. I feel that you are deeply hurt by the way this man ended things with you but I also think (correct me if I’m wrong) that you may be more hurt because you opened up to someone finally and were shot down. It’s a horrible feeling I know, like getting the wind knocked out of you!
So you finally let down your wall and it didn’t go too well…this time.Funny thing about walls: even though they keep us safe, they keep us isolated as well. Once they are knocked down you’re free to go wherever you please. So after you’ve recovered from this hurt, where will you go? Will you spend time rebuilding the wall to keep yourself lonely and safe, or will you step over the bricks, take what you learned about being open and free with another human being and try again? There is no right answer, only what is right for you.
Please keep posting, sadness is so much easier to handle with some support! Good luck!
You are correct, it is not a great long term strategy as I’m finding out now! It’s kind of
disconcerting to find I’ve internalized the bullies. I don’t want to live my like that.
I guess I’ll really have to keep working towards a new strategy, thanks for your help!
Yes, for me perfection is a safety mechanism. When I was a kid I was pretty often bullied by peers and family for being different. Growing up I’ve learned that the less mistakes I make the more people will like and accept me, a feeling I never really got as a child or young adult. Now I’ve tied it into my very survival being so far away from home. I tend to get stressed because I feel like if I don’t make it at this job I’ll be out on my ear.
Thanks as always, Anita. I’m sure that is the right thing to do and it’s what I’ll keep working towards. I’m just upset with myself because I seem to be sabotaging the success I’ve worked for up until now at this job. Any ideas on how to stop that? I really am on the verge of giving up and just saying that someone else should do the job because they would do it better than me. If you can’t tell I’m pretty hard on myself 🙁