Hi Melly,

It CAN be tough to completely leave our childhood wounds and insecurities. It does that practice to reprogram our neuro pathways to be this new adult person who has healed. You said so yourself that you are feminine and attractive. Own that sister! This means not only you are a desirable mate/girlfriend but your sense of Self goes along with that.

Take time to heal for yourself. That healing does require to let go of the past, be in the present moment where you can acknowledge yourself as a desirable woman who has learned how not to give up yourself to another person and to focus what is good about you.

It sounds like you are still learning what is a healthy relationship and perhaps this is a good opportunity to learn why this past relationship was not that and what you can do different next time.

You ARE a bright, shining star of a woman Melly and even though you don’t feel that way now, it is your work to find and acknowledge that about yourself.

Metta,
Mark

First of all Lily good for you for embracing the philosophy and practices that enable you to be healthier and stronger in such situations.

I think there is a discernment on who to open up to for there is a level of trust. I believe that before I do too much of the verbal sharing of our emotions and of ourselves and there is that observation of how the other person behaves.

I believe we act from fear or from love. Those who withdraw are acting from fear. Being trained in therapy, I know that we have been wounded in act that way. Best you feel compassionate for yourself and for him (from a distance) knowing that this person has some healing to do before they can truly show up for a close relationship.

Metta,
Mark

I believe that when two people don’t work out in a relationship then there is good reason for it whether it is a bad match or that one or the other or both people need to find that love in themselves rather than act out in fear.

My way of creating a loving life for myself is to surround myself with kind and loving people who are supportive. Life is too short to deal with those who have pain and fear in themselves and let it out in negative behavior and words.

Only you can really choose if you love yourself enough to stay with her or not.

Mark

Dear buddha123,
I am sorry for your pain and suffering.

I offer you the same what I have written to Dave Long in the Emotional Mastery posting #49213.
I shall copy and paste my response here for you:

What comes to mind is that question, How do you eat an elephant? Bite by bite.

I invite you to engage in something that gives you joy regardless on how “small” it is. It would be better that this activity would require some physical effort, even if the effort is writing. I am making that distinction from being passive on the computer watching cute kitten videos 😉 .

From that you can be in touch with that joy and positive emotion. Notice that. Be aware. Be mindful when you are engaged.

When you are out and about, notice the world around you. Notice the sun, the trees, the people around you. Notice and appreciate. Take in the world with your senses. Notice the temperature on your skin, the sounds, as well as the sights. Notice how you are feeling at that moment.

Those are the first bites.

I wish you comfort and ease buddha123,
Mark

Hi Lea,
What do you want for a friend? Try writing down a list of qualities and behaviors on what you want from a friend and then see if your friend have those things.

What does your heart say about you Lea? Do you care about yourself? Do you love yourself? I would start there to decide what sort of people you want in your life.

I know for myself that I only let those who enhance my life, who respect and care for me, who share the same core values and qualities that I have.

Metta,
Mark

mumtaza,
Matt, as always, gives wise advice. The only other thing I will share with you is how I practice making decisions. I ask myself “Is this coming from Love or from Fear?” It sounds from your lack of motivation that you are coming from fear.

We as humans thrive in relationships. This has been proven scientifically that is one of the key factors in our happiness. You already know that.

This is one of the “fake it until you make it” situations where you feel the fear/reluctance/lack of motivation and do it anyway. In fact, why don’t YOU invite your friends instead of waiting for an invitation from them?

Metta,
Mark

Dee,
As a parent of an adult child who is making unhealthy choices and as a friend of others who have adult children in similar circumstances I can relate and I ache with you.

From my experience and observations, whenever we focus on the problem child and their addictions, it affects the whole family. As you have observed with your 13 year old, the other children suffer from the lack of attention and the focus on their problem sibling. You may want to consider that.

There is a saying “Let go, let God.” Your son is smart enough, resourceful enough to figure out what he needs to figure out even if he is out on the street. You may want to look at support for yourself and stop paying attention to your son’s situation. He is what he is (for now) and he is making choices with consequences he has to deal with. You may want to look at ToughLove groups online for support.

There are addiction support groups for families (e.g. Al-Anon) which help those who feel helpless standing by watching a train wreck in progress. I suspect it does not matter whether the support group is for alcohol or not for my guess that the issues are the same. Your son needs to hit bottom in order to think of getting help for himself. Having a place to stay that enables his addiction will keep him from facing his issues.

You and his step dad can let him know that you love him and can provide information to outside resources for help but it is time to step away from an intractable situation.

I know it is extremely hard to do and hence the Al-Anon and/or ToughLove support groups may help you in this process.

Best of luck,
Mark