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April 25, 2014 at 5:28 pm in reply to: Confused between living with 'acceptance' and making the most of life? #55391
What drives me is to fulfill the purpose of my life, the reason why I’m on this planet. What is your passion? What is something that you love to do, that you lose track of time when you are doing it? What speaks to your heart? It can be a “little” thing or not. If you are totally clueless then get out in the world and try different things. Service work, volunteer, acting classes, travel to a developing country, try out different places of worship, whatever… find out what you find yourself engaged in.
Gandhi said, “Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that you do it.”
Thank you for posting something so positive and inspirational!
After reading about your situation I thought of that saying, “How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.”
It looks like you have clarity on what you want, i.e. freelance editiorial and fine art photographer and/or go to graduate school. You have goals and it is a matter of focus and priority. Like for any of us it is your commitment on how to achieve them.
The road may not look too appealing to get where you want to go. It is a commitment. I believe that if you are truly clear and desirous of what you want then you can weather the way to it.
Go on Gighi, take your first bite.
Great question. This is a highly individual process, this forgiveness thing. Good for you for wanting to get to that place within yourself for holding onto anger just does us no good.
For me, I honor where I am at at the moment. I use to try to skip over my anger to get to #3 and to forgiveness but realized that was not being honest with myself. I sit with my emotions during my meditations so I can fully aware of how they affect my physical body. I don’t try to push those feelings and sensations away. I just sit with whatever comes up with awareness. Inevitably the anger is addressed and can move on to compassion or at least some neutrality about the person. It’s a process and not an instant fix (for me anyway).
Everything I read about feeding anger, e.g. vent to others just increases the anger.
I believe that we still need to address our anger before we can move on to step #3. You might want to check out the Marshall Rosenberg Non Violent Communication process to communicate to the perpetrator (#1) where we communicate what we feel with the underlying need coupled with a specific behavior request.
I can relate about being kicked in the ass by the Universe. I had that done too many times.
My approach to addressing how to change so that I can find myself was to work on BEing.
Your questions about your identity and other aspects about your Self were not explicitly what I was asking when i went through my many crisis. I was figuring out how to let go of my thoughts, how to let go of any identity, how to focus on the moment, how to hear what my heart has to say and have the courage to follow it.
I believe that thinking… our thoughts create our pain. Thinking about such questions and struggling for the answers will not make you happier in my opinion. It is the practice of what you mentioned here of self love, meditation, mindfulness, etc.
You may want to study the Buddhist Eight Fold Path as a start to cease suffering.
I want to comment on what you said about being socially awkward in big gatherings.
If you are an introvert then that is perfectly natural. Check out Susan Cain’s book, “Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking” and her TED talk. It’s very validating for us introverts for she writes about the great qualities we have. She also has a Facebook page, etc.
Focusing on your past with regret can only bring suffering. Is that what you want? If you want to learn from your past, then what is the wisdom have you gained?
I see that your experience of healing is something you can take away from that even though you did not get to 100%.
Also your clarity of values was something else you can take away from your past, i.e. wanting a partner who respected and loved you.
What did you learn? How are you focusing on the present moment?
To supplement what has been said already, to communicate what bothers us with our partners can be a challenge. To stereotype women versus men comunication styles, women tend to be more indirect than men therefore most men don’t “get it” or cannot really read in between the lines on the message you are trying to convey.
Your posting is open, direct, and honest… something that maybe your partner should read in order for him to know how strongly this affects you and so he can make a conscious decision based on that.
I have been in too many relationships where something bothered my partner and broke up with me about it that was a complete surprise to me. I felt resentful because I did not get a chance to change that before it got to the point of her breaking up with me.
MarkFebruary 27, 2014 at 11:26 am in reply to: Looking for myself and being okay after a break up #51923
I don’t know if anyone can realistically give reassurances to you on this.
What I do know is that focusing on loving kindness is a great way of creating the life and relationships that nurtures us.
I have faith in love. I believe I will be OK. I keep going back to that great quote in The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel movie, “Everything will be all right in the end… if it’s not all right then it’s not yet the end. ”
You have written your own wisdom for yourself here. You stated you need space, change, time to tend to your own feelings.
I am very much aware of the danger of the “shoulds” in our lives. I was reading an old Tricycle magazine left at my auto service/dealer waiting room today. The interview with Charlotte Joko Beck where she counsels people to make 3 lists; one to answer “As a small child, what I was trained to be … “, “Right now as an adult, what I require myself to be … ” and lastly, what negative emotions are behind List #3? You find out that out of List #1 drives our “shoulds” in List #2 which reveals the suffering as we do List #3.
Listen to your heart. Love yourself. Your loving kindness toward S will not change if you do. You are not honoring his maturity, resilency, wisdom, and strength if you live your life out of fear what you “do” to him.
How each of us face such past taurma is very individual. We can all offer a prescription, give a formula from our own experience.
I believe it comes down to not being attached to your past, being and mindfully living in the present. Any emotions are what we create for our Selves. Practicing our non-self gives us the way to let such hard feelings pass through us.
I believe most of the issues that are posted here require such an apporach. Simple but hard to do.
I can identify Simone on wanting to have a partner who reflects the same values and life orientation as myself. I don’t consider such values as shallow.
Social psychology research shows that if we are with unhealthy people then we tend to entropy that way as well.
It is not for anyone to decide but yourself on what kind of person you want as a romantic and activity partner.
There are certain non-negotiables for each of us on what we absolutely need to have in a partner.
It may be a good exercise for you to write down those core values (besides being physically active and eating healthy) so you know yourself better and better guide you in any type of relationship.
My heart aches for you. I especially feel the sharp pain of rejection by your only daughter.
I hope you have a sangha, a circle of those who will love and support you, a spiritual community who can hold you up while you are going through this.
If you don’t then go seek one, whether it is a church group or Buddhist center, a 12 step meeting, or even a group of one loving soul.
We all need help in this life from others. Regular meditation, exercise, and just plain prayer are all proven ways to get us through such challenging times, moment-by-moment, day-by-day. Before each day begins focus on how it can be better, even a little. At the end of the day you can focus on your gratitudes however little they may seem.
Writing/journaling can be useful in getting out of your head and putting down all your pain and stress.
I send you hope and love Julie.
I believe that we cannot cure ourselves or if we can then it takes a lot more time and skills that most of us have. Meditating is a great foundation to deal with life in general. I believe that therapy is the other half of what you need in order to address issues of such magnitude. I am reminded of the Albert Einstein quote, “No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it.”
I just came across Mark Epstein’s books who is a Buddhist and a psychotherapist and writes about applying Buddhist philosophy as a therapist. So from his writings further reinforces my assertion is that we need both our spiritual practice and outside help.
In answer to your question on when you are mindful enough to recognize your “bad” behavior as it is happening, I would think that if you are mindful enough to catch that feeling, thought or behavior at the time then you can be mindful enough to stop and breath and let it pass through you as if you were meditating. Make sense?
I think that depends of your ages. I look a the stage of each person’s life. I had my children later than most people so I related to younger women who had children around the same age as me.
I also think that regardless of the age is to go for it for there are no guarantees on whether or not it will work or not regardless of the age.
For me my criteria for a partner is whether she is self aware and kind. The self awareness tells me that she owns her baggage and take responsibility for her part of the relationship. This makes communicating and dealing with differences a lot easier.