Nathan, It does hurt when you dwell on regrets. I can understand the current pain of missing what you don’t have. To be blunt Nathan, you are living the consequences of your unmindful actions. You have broken trust. Trust is a fragile thing and it takes a lot to regain.

What can you do? I will not give a “how to win back” advice but instead I will recommend sitting with yourself. Get to know yourself, your desires, your wants and needs better. Understand why you acted the way you did and not understand on a superficial level but deeply into your true Self. How can anyone trust you until you really know yourself and not repeat those same actions the next time? Your four year engagement without marrying your son’s mother tells me how you don’t really know who you are or what you want or value.

I use to hate when I read in self help or relationship or spiritual books that meditation is one of the key activities in living a fulfilled and self aware life. Now I find that it is true. Have a meditation practice and sit with yourself.

You can address your hurt by breathing into the emotion, the pain, the feeling. Our breath is fundamental to life. Use it to help care for yourself.

Metta,
Mark

• This reply was modified 10 years, 4 months ago by Mark.

http://zenhabits.net/the-habit-change-cheatsheet-29-ways-to-successfully-ingrain-a-behavior/

http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2012/07/17/the-golden-rule-of-habit-change/

lovinggirl,
My personal view is not to live together. I see that as a halfway commitment. I would marry. I have known a lot of women who want to get married but could never get their man to do that since he is so comfortable living with her. I have lived with my wife for 3 years before we married and I don’t see any advantage in doing that.

Regardless, you have already communicated that you wanted to live together and now your boyfriend’s behavior has changed radically. Yes he may be a great guy but he is a *married* guy. Unless he is willing to get off the dime and get a divorce then he will never be in a legal or emotional place to really commit.

He has been very clear to you that he is not willing to “start over.” I’m not sure what “trauma” he is referring to but if that is the case then all the more reason why he is not ready to have a relationship with you.

Mark

MadiePie, I suspect you were raised with such expectations. It is hard to let go of our family-of-origin programming. It takes time, mindfulness and sometimes therapy or some other healing modality like Body Talk.

Insofar as dealing with your constant thoughts, then mediation is the practice to work with that.

Mark

You can get better Jenny. Right now you are still reeling from the aftereffects. Give yourself compassion, grace and time to heal. Can you look at yourself with caring as if you were someone else?

Melody Beattie has a classic book called “Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself” you might want to read.

Take care,
Mark

Jan,
So I wonder what is keeping you from either talking to him about the emails or to leave him?
I assume that the emails have something about how he thinks of you and/or the relationship?

Mark

My guess is that since you broke trust with your wife then it makes sense you cannot trust her. If you could not be trusted then how can you trust others?

The 4 Noble Truths tells us that our suffering is being attached. It sounds like you are attached to your pain and lack of trust.

Rich areas to deal with in your counseling sessions!

Meditation brings us to the present moment as well as being mindful in our day-to-day life. If we are present then the past will not be here giving us pain.

Metta,
Mark

I am unclear what exactly what is your pain Anthony. Is it that sometime in your past that someone broke your heart and now you are married?
What are you working on to be different?

Mark