Hey Luca,

I’m not a fan of diagnosing other people’s personality disorders at a distance, so I will leave that where it is. One thing is clear though: he did not treat you right, and you are better off without him. Good for you, I congratulate you on your strength and skill in getting where you are.

You’re right, it’s not the same as a normal break-up. Abuse can leave deep scars in your mind and that takes time and determination to heal. He presented himself as two people: Good Him and Bad Him, and got you to believe that if you only did everything right, you could be with Good Him and all would be happiness and sunshine. And I’m sure you know that this was a lie, that there was only ever one of him, and he was a manipulative, rage-driven person you were right not to put up with. But maybe there’s part of you that wants to believe there was a Good Him, and if you’d only found the key…

Forgive yourself for thinking this way sometimes. It’s hard to be alone, and of course you miss the company and sweetness that he provided. But remind yourself there was only one of him, and it wasn’t Good. That was a dream, or a nightmare, that you are now waking up from.

There is real love in the world. There are good men in the world. Keep on taking care of yourself and your son, stay open to the possibility of love, and one of them may find you. You say your family doesn’t really know about the abuse. Do you have a friend or someone else who you could talk to, perhaps? If only just so you have a witness, someone to say: yes, that happened. You were wronged. Sometimes it’s really helpful to have someone who knows the story, who you can talk to in the bad moments.

I wish you good moments only. I wish you strength and patience.

I’m very glad that you’ve noticed the cold spreading within you, and want to do something to stop it.

You know, living in the city can be stressful, even without the rejections you talk about. Combined, it seems you’ve drifted into a bit of a funk, a kind of – “Well, who cares about you, anyway!” This is a natural response, but it seems it was the start of an ongoing slide, where you applied that same “Well, who cares about you!” to more and more people, and more and more situations, growing colder and colder within yourself.

You can reverse that sad, bitter spiral simply by doing the opposite. Instead of “Who cares about you!” try to think, “I hope you feel good today. I hope you’re enjoying the sunshine. I hope you’re not walking slowly because you’re in pain. I hope your screaming children will grow up into good people and you’ll be proud of them someday.” It’s a tough exercise, but it can make such a difference. Learn to care by practicing. Just care! Send a little mental note of well-wishing to people, people you know, people you don’t know, people you don’t even like.

If you’re interested in learning more about this method, look up metta meditation. It’s a Buddhist practice that can do a lot of good. I really hope it helps, and that your heart can thaw a little as you pay attention to it. The more love you give, the more you are capable of giving. The more you withhold it, the less you’ll have. And that’s going to hurt you.

All my best wishes to you.

Either party in a relationship always has the power to end it. If someone doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you, there is nothing you can do.

It sounds like this relationship, whether platonic or otherwise, isn’t working for her, but she’s having trouble giving you a definitive sign. Do the both of you a favour, and forget her. You’ll get over her quicker if you just don’t see her at all, and your heart will open to the next person, who may love you in return.

Peachy,

What can you do to have the two of you not living in the same space anymore? This should be your priority, everything else will become clearer once you have a little distance. You must split up physically now that things have come to this point. Can he move in with family? Can he go to a cheap hotel? Can you and the kids stay with family? Is there a shelter for abused women? Is there anywhere you can go, even just as a temporary solution?

You won’t be able to get out from under the crazy when he’s constantly there to heap more on top of you. Pull your resources together. Make it happen. He moves, or you move. When you realise this is truly what must happen, you will find a way.

If you wanna hang out with this guy, and this guy wants to hang out with you, what’s the problem?

Sometimes people bounce back from break-ups quickly. Maybe it was the right time to get dumped. Maybe you have a beautiful future with this guy. Why are you second-guessing yourself like this? Go with the flow.

Trust your heart. You need to move. I don’t know when or how this will be possible, but it’s worth working for. Promise yourself you will move, and see if you breathe a little easier.

All right, I’m sorry, here’s some real advice.

First off, the answer is right there in the thread title, as it so often is. “I always think, why me?” Right. So knock that off, you know it’s making you miserable. The next time you hear yourself thinking “Why me?” think, “Oh, hey! I don’t need to think that way. I know “why me” just leads to misery, so I’m going to take a moment to turn this around.” Say “why me” about the fact that you have a roof over your head in a country of wealth and freedom. Say “why me” to being born in the age of antibiotics. Say “why me” to the fact you have a healthy, functioning body and all the porn you could ever need one search term away. I don’t know. You can probably think of better things.

Keep reading those articles about how to gain yourself some self-esteem, positive attitude, emotional maturity and resilience. Sometimes it seems like it only works for an hour or so, but internalising that stuff will, over time, bring lasting change. Your zing-bam rush from a work-out doesn’t last either, but over time you’ll build muscle. This works just the same. Except you build yourself a better brain.

Now, about your Forever Alone issue: you’re focussing on the one thing making you unattractive (in your own perception) that happens to be something you cannot possibly change. I wonder why you focus on that. But there’s like the other 99.99% of attractiveness that you can change, which you’ve not even touched on.

OK. You’re short. Them’s the breaks. But do you dress well? Do you know how to carry yourself? Do you dance? That’s how my boyfriend caught my attention. I first saw him when he was swing dancing and even though I was with someone I was very attracted to (and who was classicly buff) when I saw him, large as he is, I thought: “Shake it baby!”

How much do you know about women/girls, about the things that make them annoyed and worked up and insecure? What are you doing to do to learn more? Do you know how rare it is for an 18-year-old to know and actually care about the stuff women care about? That would give you the edge over your peers in a snap. Learn shit about the world. Watch obscure films and documentaries. Volunteer in a foreign country. Travel. Put down the gamepad and read a book.

Also: put down the porn and actually educate yourself about how to give women pleasure. Your sexual education is up to you. There’s a ton of really good resources on the internet, and there’s more to sex than knowing where to find the clitoris. Although, to be honest, even that would probably give you an edge. The ability to give great orgasms may not be something women can see on you (and no, don’t ever try to brag about it) but they increase your chances for a lasting relationship by a generous margin. There’s a lot of guys who don’t know how, and can’t be bothered to learn. Learn, and their relative height will be worthless.

There are a lot of whiny baby-boys who are about your age. They threaten to overrun the internet, it seems. But this is good news for you. This means there’s actually not that much work you need to do to gain the edge in maturity. If you’ve got the edge in maturity, your height won’t mean a damn thing. Trust the woman who’s finally got herself a decent, upstanding, up-with-people man. Who happens to be well fat, and wonderfully skilled.

I wish I had some advice to give but it sounds like you’re doing everything right. Keep going out to workshops, talks, classes, groups, and all that stuff. Keep working on bringing hope, patience and positive feelings and actions into your mind and your life, keep reaching out with compassion for yourself and for how hard it is.

It sounds like you’ve come a long way, and if you continue, you will find that interacting with people becomes easier as you practice and learn there’s no need to be anxious. Just embrace that you’re a bit socially awkward. It’s very common and if you’re honest about it, you may find there are plenty of people who want to help you with it.

Good luck and believe your work will pay off. Keep on the path.