Justified if the ‘world’ spends that much time focused on a single person.

Ok, its not justified, i still feel anger because of those facts, that i wanted help so much but there wasn’t anyone around, that i tried to suicide so many times, and no one cared, even my own family knows im suicidal, that my own “therapist” didn’t even answer me when i asked her for help when i tried to suicide, I BEGGED HER for help, couldn’t be more humiliating.

Even if i wanted to not be angry, i will be anyway.

A person could read something like that and become angry, disappointed or free

Yes, a person that has been told a lie “you are important” then he would be either sad or angry, i never was important.

A world set only for the majority of the people?

A similar theme is when a person in a tribe would be little different, would develop some ideas that the tribe doesn’t agree on, they would immediately abonded him, the normal thing that the person would be angry at the tribe, don’t you think?

At the end, they left him, to live by his own, with no help nor mercy, though sometimes he would meet some of the people in the tribe, and they start telling him what he should do, what the tribe teach them to do, and how he can live happier.

Interesting how you define a lie

When he was in the tribe, they told him to do this and that, he tried but they didn’t work, they blamed him, for not believing in the things they mentioned, for not trying too hard, you see, if they don’t work for you, its your fault, when they told him, they promised him of things, he wasted time and effort while didn’t see those things, isn’t that a lie? To premise of a reward when there isn’t one?

wonder how many people feel like that and suspect they are not in the  majority?

Most people (my observation) surrounder to the need to be accepted and liked and belonged, over thier different ideas and beliefs, over the truth.

If someone tells you about something that works for them but you discover doesn’t for you… its a lie?

Ok, teak doesn’t only tell me to go to therapy, she thinks 100% that is the good thing for me and that i should do it, she not only think that, she promise of “healing”, promise of a better life, happiness, imagine going all that trouble just to see that it didn’t work, how fool im gonna be? This isn’t new, i had this for so long and so many times

If you think that im very convinced of my life choices and beliefs, you should’ve seen me before, i would do anything anyone would say, without proof, just to not feel gulity, just to prove them wrong, waste my time and effort for a person that said something, so many years wasted.

I walked for 2 years, and they promised of things, they promised of better life, all i got was physical relaxation, i wasted 3 years in religion, doing everything by the book, every detail, every advice, and still felt miserable, 2 years on nofap, 1 year on “therapeutic” bullshit youtube videos

Its just a matter of time, when i surrounder to the next person thought and actually try what they suggest, and make a fool of myself, im almost convinced by teak, but when i re think, when i re validate myself, i know she is wrong, but i got this tiny little voice in my head that tells me “what if she is right?” That made my life so much miserable in the past, “what if antidepressants were good?” and got through hell because of them, worst days on my shitty life because of them, and i continued anyway because “what if they are good?” Followd the rules “you need at least 1 month for full effect” then it was “3 months for the real effects” then “6 momths or a year for it to not experience the symptoms again” they promised me of no longer having the symptoms after enduring this shit for a year, doctors offline, and people experience and articles (online).

I’ve never liked that word ‘Justification’ to be justified… its almost always followed by someone doing something horrible

Very well said.

Perhaps you notice how the denial is so often the preface to the justification.” ― Christopher Hitchens

Hitchnes is one of the few people that i let influence me.

Sorry still board

Its alright, i liked that you replaied.

Ok peter, have a nice day, if it means anything, thank you.

but more to the point that you don’t want anyone to agree with you. You wish to be unique in your suffering

If thats true i wouldn’t feel so good when anita agreed with me, to me agreeing with my point of view meaning the other person understands it.

I also had a friend of mine who had similar suffering, to me it doesn’t matter what happened to you, its the result, my result was similar to his, though the only difference is that i developed apathy and a pholishopy, he suicide, if you feel that im saying this as if im better, i actually think he is better, he didn’t change his given feelings and desires in order to live, i did, and the cost and consequences will continue to be payed by me.

Also another friend, alive, who also im proud to say im like him, even anita im so proud that we have so similarities, not because im good, but because i think she is so great and i must be so lucky to even have some qualities of hers.

Also my sister, i can go on and on, of providing proofs that its not my belief of uniqueness, it’s the actual people, otherwise there wouldn’t be anyone to agree with me.

Your confusing me. You have said multiple that “You are a victim”

I will make it simple for you, lets take an example, a raped person is a victim right? Would you call him a victim or would you say “no don’t say you are a victim, that will make you trapped in a victim mentality”?

I acknowledge that i was a victim just like a raped person acknowledge that he is a victim.

Now let me explain why i think the victim definition works for me, similar to rape, bad things happened to the person which was outside of his control and couldn’t do otherwise, and he has to deal with the consequences of this thing the rest of his life, i have been raped, not physically, but mentally, by many ideas and beliefs, by shame and gulit, i was too young to understand, by my mother and father, by my environment, my mother the so insecure person that will blame a child just so she can feel good about herself, that will use him to satisfy her needs and not care about his needs.

These things, ultimately made me choose what i choose now, if you claim that your suffering is similar, then you would ended up just like me, even if i indeed have victim mentality and it is the reason why im so miserable, it wouldn’t matter now, because it won’t be change by me.

that this is the foundation of your life philosophy, stuckness and anger centers on you being a victim. (could be wrong)

Maybe you are right, does that change anything ?

This actually might be true because i did felt this victim mentality thing in the past, and my mother also has it, but that wouldn’t change anything i said, all my arguments and proofs still valid, life is still dull and silly, life still has no purpose and no point, all things are boring and exhausting.

I don’t need that from the virtual world.

I sadly do, i need the understanding and the attention, the connection, to be heard and understood and be seen.

So thanks for engaging even if it turns out I was only talking to myself.

Because you refuse to put yourself in my position and understand where im coming from, dismissing my arguments for no reason, and talk so abstract that the only one that can understand is you, is you.

Even with teak i was getting somewhere, and her replays actually answers mine, you don’t even answer me, just say something that i don’t even understand how it relate to my post.

But im glad you answerd in the first place, you are a nice person after all, and i respect you.

You do believe that people are brainwashed

I don’t have to believe it, its true, and i provided many reasons to why.

You believe they are programmed to respect their parents

Don’t let that makes you think i feel superior to them, or i don’t respect such people just because i was inherited different experiences that lead me to what i believe now, i sure can be mean online, and say things i don’t really mean, but im not like that in real life, i never disrespect anyone, or feel superior to anyone, unless his belief gonna be in the way of our relationship (which happened to few of my friends) i won’t back off knowing he is a good person and deserves my time.

is you are quick to blame yourself for having been hurt by them

I don’t blame my old self for being hurt, i was a kid, i couldn’t defend myself, i only blame my current self, the aware one, and i don’t do it to just blame, i do it to learn and change, i believe no one could hurt you unless you allow him, if a person hurts you, check yourself first, in the end people are external and outside of your control, you will have to adopt to them, or see different people, something not available to me.

You are blaming yourself for having been vulnerable

When i blame myself for being vulnerable in the past (two years or so) i know there is nothing i can do about it to change it, but i see is as a lesson to be learned from, every experience is a lesson, and lately there was some harsh lessons i learned, really harsh, one that love is an exchange, you have to meet certain requirements for that exchange (mostly), there is more lessoned i learned, it can be long if i stated them, but im really glad i learned them, im reallg glad for those painful experiences the past few years, because now i know the truth, without illusions and fantasies, and i made a decision, i will do it when life gets worse, it hasn’t yet.

You are blaming the little boy Murtaza for not being strong enough not to be hurt.

No, i feel empathy for him, i feel sorry for him, that he lived this horrible life, and i want to make it easy for him, this is why i choosed a life with little problems and little pain, because i know he is already in pain, and don’t want more, thats one of the reasons why i can feel motivated to live life, because it would mean intentionally hurt him for a hope, an idea, i sadly not very convinced of any of those ideas and hopes, so its like both of myselfs are against this.

It’s your own flesh and blood, it’s the people who were supposed to love you and care for you

Yes its true, but what can i do about it? My own flesh and blood is shit, so what? I don’t let that decide my destiny or predetermine my life, i don’t blame them for it, because i know they were programmed to do so, i understand where they are coming from, i understand why they did what they did, and i see no fault of theirs.

Though i acknowledge they did something bad (acknowledge, not blame).

But you suppressed your anger at them, and are angry at everyone else

The reason why im angry at everyone else, because of my experiences, i still mad at my parents, i didn’t superss it, its just a logical anger, not feeling oriented one.

The reason why im angry at society, because they told me god exist, they told me workout helps (online) they told me doing this and that helps, it all turned out to be wrong, i had to figure things for myself, i honestly trust NO ONE with my life, i won’t listen to any advice or instructions from anyone, only me and the few people that know me, that i think are ok to do so (which just incase you wondering, they don’t, my little sister knows me, knows exactly how to be me, never advice or tell me what i should do)

And you are angry at yourself too, for being weak and needy.

Yes im angry at myself, but not because of that, but because i live miserablly and developed apsthy instead of actually doing something about it, i don’t want to do the right thing, but won’t suicide either, so sure im angry at myself.

So your anger – which is rightful and justified – is directed at wrong people

Norimes who always suggest the things that didn’t help me, only made my life worse, imagine wasting time of your life because someone thought something about it.

Then how come life as a whole is meaningless, if a big and important part of it isn’t?

Every other thing is meaninglessness, i value people, if they matter to me, just not other things, and its not a big part for me, its just an extra, for me life, the normal life, is you being lonely, relationship are just extra things you pay for.

And if your loved one is sick and needs money for a life-saving surgery, would you still refuse to earn the money?

No, i would sacrifice and work, if her suffering is more then mine when i work.

Would you say – I care about you otherwise, but don’t ask me to save your life, it’s too much of you to ask?

Since this is a hypothetical scenario, expect hypothetical answer, if i love her more then my time and freedom, then yes, it all depends on the situation, if you gonna apply this logic to me working right now because this might happen in the future, then no, because there is no motivation to force myself to, if money buys relationship, doesn’t that tell you something?

you need to have a place to stay and access to electricity

I do have a place, a fridge, and everything i need for, so what would be the motivation to work?

we need to have the physical/material resources to do it. Without it, we can just say nice words

Sure, i would say those matters even more then the emotional ones, because without those, its impossible to have a relationship.

That’s how love and willingness to work for example go hand in hand

I won’t sacrifice my philosophy without a good reason, right now there is no loved one that is sick and want to me work for him, and i won’t put myself in such situation when i can not to, i won’t be in a relationship where money matters the most, i don’t care about money, i have enough of it to live, i don’t care about material things, but i know people do, especially females, most of them at least.

But you also want connection, at least in theory.

Not anymore, too expensive for me.

With your current attitude, with your apathy, with your belief that life is not worth living, it will be very difficult to find someone who’d want to have a deep

Sad, but true, guess i will be alone then.

I obviously can’t change any of those because they are true, life has no meaning, relationships matters to me though, the cost of the relationship you mentioned is too high, it requires to sacrifice a lot, and with no guaranteed reward, only hope and more work, i live everyday like its my last, i have the intention of doing it in the future, so why bother?

But how do you imagine to have a meaningful relationship with anyone, if you say there is no meaning and purpose in life?

I don’t see how this belief is in the way of having love, even if i want to belief otherwise, you have to change reality, because life is truely meaninglessness.

But lets follow your logic, you are saying that my belief is the reason why im not getting love, well i have been saying this for eternity, not because its bad, not because it can effect my relationship, but because people was tought to think its bad, if i ever be in a relationship, i would care, i wouldn’t let my beliefs kick in, the proof is my little sister, i care too much about it, to the point where she ask me to stop.

if you say there is no meaning and purpose in life? Following your own logic, there is no meaning in relationships either

No, there is meaning to relationship, i just don’t want to sacrifice my freedom and comfort for it, i see it as absurd, to pay for something that small, for something that basic, for something that can be the opposite of what i want, because it depends on the other person, something not under my control, so i there is 50%, no actually 70% of me ended up with a bad relationship, getting the opposite of love, suffering more, if you ever knew me, you know i don’t gamble to these odds.

Even if i did, i can do it for a day or two, i can fool myself with false hope only a little until my brain gets tired, i simply can’t force myself everyday with these odds, with hope

can be incredibly meaningful and deep

Can it make me see life differently? No, i will always see it as a joke, waste of time, bullshit, no love will do it for me.

and if you would make yourself capable of such love too, you could have a deep, loving relationship?

Why im not capable right now? Whats wrong with me? Antia said to me, if i ever be in a relationship, the other party would be so lucky.

Because you don’t think it would be worth it. And that’s where you are wrong

Prove it, imagine paying the high price, and ended up with me seeing its not worth it, the odds says its 60% if not more, relationships aren’t something magical that cure you, i will always be me, and this me isn’t liveable of this world.

Im so mad at myself, for still living, you have your definition of love, for me, if i truely love myself, i would’ve done it long time ago, this is what love to me, not developeding apathy and endure this shit, while seeing what i lost everyday, i obviously not gonna change or do anything, just suffer endlessly, this is my problem, not killing myself yet.