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Murtaza

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  • in reply to: Its funny how life works #384642
    Murtaza
    Participant

    But it didn’t help you with your second biggest problem, which is having a loving relationship

    It did, i don’t care anymore about that.

     

    It is counter-productive for developing a deeper bond with people

    No it isn’t, my apathy has no reason to be blamed for that, its them, i tried so hard with a friend of mine to have a strong relationship, i try so hard with my little sister, but she just don’t care, she just don’t want that, my friend stopped talking to me because i didn’t like how superficial our relationship is, how is my philosophy, my apathy, in the way?

     

    So you would need to understand that what protected you from shame and guilt won’t get you the love you crave

    Can you explain why? I still feel so proud that i developed apathy and this philosophy, it still very much needed.

     

    you are trying to reduce your craving and numb yourself, but the desire for connection is still there, and it’s a natural desire, so don’t suppress it)

    Oh Yes, so i can be so desperate and go online for connection, and then logically getting out with less connection and more feeling like a castaway, no thank you.

     

    Your “cure” has its limitations and its very bad side-effects

    What do you suggest? if my illness is apathy, how can i fix it  when if i try i have to care, there is no reason to do anything, its all bullshit, i first need evidence, a proof that its worth it, that life is good, and i should do something about it, first provide that

     

    A proper cure for your problems, that will eventually help you have satisfying relationships as well. Because with your current approach, you won’t be able to have them.

    Yes, because my apathy is the only reason why i don’t have relationship, not the ignorant people around me, i would think you are suggesting moveing, well guess what, no reward can make me accept being a slave, going to a work i don’t like, wasting my time, accepting society ideas and follow them, even if i want to have a relationship, i have to follow a certain rules, dating and stuff, saying certain things, no

     

    I perfer to choose my own suffering, i perfer to foucs my energy and time on something i control, myself, not other brainwashed people, get them to like me, act in a certain way, to be accepted

     

    You over and over suggest therapy, like its the ultimate cure, therapy only works for people who want to change, want to be helped, i don’t.

    in reply to: Its funny how life works #384641
    Murtaza
    Participant

    And there we find your stuckness which you have turned into a life philosophy

    Yes, i expected that you gonna say that, you see it as something bad, i see it as the truth, my stuckness isn’t this, its lack of reward, lack of purpose, but don’t believe me

     

    you are a victim of your circumstance while no one else is  – the blessed normal’s

    I didn’t say that, but im gonna give you an example, a reality, anita suffering wasn’t only by her parents, i even dare say it wasn’t that at all, i like to imagine evil exist, and it could be infected to a child, what hurt her the most (in my opinion) is the normal people, the constant misunderstood and blaming and shaming, because she expected to be helped by them, because she expected them to be good, and they are, thier intention is good, society just brainwashed thier values and beliefs, that made them misunderstood and blame her for her own suffering, normal people who did those evil things to her, they aren’t so good are they?

     

    you think i feel im a victim and won’t do anything about my suffering, you are wrong, i think its the truth im a victim and i won’t do anything not because of that, but because life is shit, and i hate it all, and you know what, fuck connection, i don’t want it, you can have it.

    in reply to: Its funny how life works #384608
    Murtaza
    Participant

    I honestly didn’t understand your point, i feel your answer gonna be “because you don’t want to”

     

    You say your are certain of very little while  your responses indicate come across as being very certain

    Because i don’t look for validation from people (maybe i did sometimes, but not anymore at least) im very sure of what im doing is the only right way for me, and i will dismiss any advice, because no one knows my life the same way i do, and i didn’t come here to be “helped” my posts is as pointless as my existence.

     

    I have my doubts, i have lots and lots of weakness, but i learned not to show them, they would only reflect thier values and beliefs, no one would actually tell you the truth, that its maybe better to do it, i don’t need people to say it, in my above post, my only goal was connection, im so desperate for it, i don’t know how to get it, the only way i come across the feeling of being connected is when i argue with people about my life, i wish there was another way, i probably shouldn’t make any posts, waste people time, but i don’t care anymore about other people.

     

    a contradiction that not so unique.

    In this regard i very much look like any other iraqi, very troubled, very passmstic, i don’t claim to be unique in this side, my claims were always beliefs and values, i don’t believe in anything, i don’t value anything (just few things), this what makes me different, i don’t subscribe to any label or any human made philosophy, i don’t care to read any mans thought about anything, because i don’t believe there is any geniuses, or great men, just normal men, who was programed to do what theg did, if they didn’t do it, another will, everyone is replaceable, everyone doesn’t matter.

     

    No one thinks or feels as you thing and feel – which is true of everyone

    You seem to forget that thinking and feeling differently can interfere with how you live life, how you react to it, everyone live the same, they might think a bit differently, but not so much that it interfere with thier reality.

     

    how it is you view you?

    Two, one was programed to be someone, one that developed some logic and thinking on what to do, both were made by environment and genes.

     

    no one can know what another thinks or feels.

    I disagree, people do know, when you lose someone, or something, you feel sad, people understand this, come to make you feel better, i don’t feel sad easily, i only feel sad about the things i wanna feel sad about, when i lost my father, i wasn’t sad, i don’t respect him, and i don’t value him, i don’t respect my mother, i don’t value her, although she got no control on what she is and what she do, give me a person, one person that think or feel the same thing, everyone is so brainwashed about worshipping thier parents, not because any logic, but because society tells you to do so.

     

    I don’t value anyone or anything just because they happened to be my parents, no fuck that, everyone is the same to me.

     

    In general the advice most of those have given is for you to try to step outside this literal objective linear world view and ‘play’ with the abstract.

    Doesn’t matter how i think or feel, how i approach life, i will never get real love or real connection, just because im too aware of the fake ones.

     

    If your life philosophy seems to be making you a victim and miserable… doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result…

    So im not a victim? I live in iraq, a third world country, the people in it still believe in ghost and a man made 1400 year old religion, men see me as less, my whole life they always made me feel this way, women don’t even wanna engage with me, not because what i say or do, because of who i am, i can’t get a real connection even if i dream to, i can’t get real love, i hate wasting my time for moeny, i hate being prisoned in a work that mostly physical and hurt your body, for only minimum wage, just to live, im an introvert, in a country where men suppose to be very extrovert, and if you aren’t, they will shame you for it, all jobs requires you to have connection, all jobs requires you to have people that you know, to be extrovert, to be fake, basic needs is highly expensive, and i don’t dare to ask for them, i don’t dare to say i deserve them, i got a mother who knows nothing about life, a father who lived in his room the whole time i was alive, a brother that used to bully me, my childhood friend almost molested me, a teenage years where i did some horrible things, things i don’t even like to think about, i spent my whole childhood and teenage with shame, i don’t even wanna say for what, because its too unpleasant and no one wants to hear it, i failed at school and i blamed myself so hard, no one cared, my mother blamed me, shamed me, a god that tells you to be greatful for your awful parents, to be greatful for being alive, thankful, i had so much shame when i sinned, so much that i hated myself so much, i sadly got alive after three years of intese shame out of something very silly, after that life didn’t mean anything, i might as well did it then, lived the rest of my life, full of weakness, shamed by this weakness, alone my whole life, and i did something for myself, developed my own philosophy, developed my own way of living, everyone tells me its wrong, everyone tells me its bad, and i should do this and that, fuck them all, i live my way, or not live at all, i don’t care what you or teak or anyone think, you think im victim, sure, go ahead, it doesn’t change anything.

     

     

    in reply to: Its funny how life works #384597
    Murtaza
    Participant

    You dislike the idea discovering that others have already had similar thoughts and ideas as your

    I dislike liying, which is what people do when they compare, if you gonna compare, provide evidence, the only evidence im gonna accept is that if you live the same way i do, think the same way i do, react the same way i do, act thr same way i do, do you?

     

    My evidence of being unique is clear in what i believe and what i value, and NO its not because i wanted to be unique, i didn’t exactly choose to be a Muslim then be an atheist then be a skeptic, dismissing any human made label because i don’t identify with i, i tried to fit in with society, not just in real life, online too, but i realized its full of shit, do you want more proof of my difference?

    in reply to: Its funny how life works #384596
    Murtaza
    Participant

    then why are you insisting that therapy isn’t for you, and that you don’t need it?

    Because A. Im not anita, she only had a similar experience that made her understood me, i didn’t say she is like me

    B. its not available, and the cost of making it available is too high for me, imagine working, and going all the trouble of making enough money to attend therapy online, which i hate, and ended up with a teak like person, who will projecte hie values and beliefs on me, without providing any arguments to why, no thanks.

     

    C. its already too late for me, i got my answers, i developed apathy, i know how to live my life, and i don’t wanna change, so what’s therapy gonna do to me?

     

    see that I don’t think I am superior, but that I was sincerely trying to help you.

    I know you aren’t, i wouldn’t have continue to talk to you, but sometimes, the way you replay appears to be the case, but now that you said you don’t, i believe you, and i know you only trying to help, i just thought i could make you see my point of view.

     

    That would feel much better than telling me that I am brainwashed

    The only reason you think there is only one way to love yourself, is not because Objectively the way you said is the only one, but because you have been told thats the right way, and you didn’t bother to think about it.

     

    that I think you are a loser and all the other stuff

    No, people think that, in where i live, thats why i look online for connection, this is why there is no point of therapy, people won’t change, and its people the problem, not me, if you think otherwise, please provide a proof, a soild argument, no matter how much therapy i get, i won’t get connection, i won’t get love, those things are impossible for me where i live, so why life worth it?

     

    because I don’t think that I am superior

    This is on me only, i think sometimes you appear superior.

     

    So you are projecting stuff on me, and then judging me and condemning me for things I never said or did

    Im sorry if i did, but i didn’t mean you in my above posts, i was talkikg about the people from where i live.

    in reply to: Its funny how life works #384563
    Murtaza
    Participant

    because you rejected everyone (except anita)

    And why only anita that i didn’t reject? Because she understood, she had similar experience herself, she accepted, liked me, never projected nor judged, if its a me problem, i wouldn’t find anyone that will agree with me, especially someone that we both know that is intelligent.

     

    Those people tried to help you,

    I know, but thier help isn’t needed, thier help isn’t help, not to me.

     

     I said there is a way to get out of your misery

    Yes, by watching YouTube and meditate everyday, i hate this, i can’t control how sick it makes me feel.

     

    An animal doesn’t love itself in the way humans do

    I don’t believe am in animal, it’s just an exaggeration, to what i sacrificed in order to live, sacrificed my feelings and desires.

     

    So how are you an animal?

    My defintion of an animal is this “a living thing who only main goal is survival” a huamn to me, is “something greater, who can get over his animalistic desires” so huamn should have greater goal other then survival, if that isn’t met, i think its best that he off himself, if he isn’t living as human.

     

    And if others don’t accept it, you believe they don’t accept you

    Who is the other you?

     

    If the person has the intention to heal, they can do a lot of work by themselves

    I don’t, and i explained why, its something i can’t change, because i don’t want to, i don’t want to heal because i believe its bullshit, i also believe that the end is the same, and that i shouldn’t really bother with changing something, these belief, were inherited, by my environment and genes, though you don’t like to hear that, its too complicated, too troubling for your world view, so i will say what you like, its my fault, i did this, i alone.

     

    It doesn’t have anything to do with the fact that you live in Iraq

    Funny, a friend of mine who has GAD, i told him there is a way to relieve this, he was like “no i will have this the rest of my life, i feel like its gonna kill me one day” he had the same mindset, close minded, doesn’t subscribe to this positive stuff.

     

    my big sister who had pain in her teeths, refused to go to the doctor for over two years, and developed apathy, when i asked her why don’t you just go, she replied “i don’t like doctors, they gonna start advice me on how i should take care of my teeths” i told her that the longer she have this pain, the more apathy she developed, and if you develop enough there will be a point of no return, she replied “im already there”

     

    My little sister, who spend the whole day, not even saying a word to anyone, hardly even care about living, more apathetic then i ever was, so shut off.

     

    So no its not where i live, because environment doesn’t shape me at all, if i told you, i am the least depressed person in the family,  you won’t believe me.

     

    But even this won’t make you accept me, or change how you view me, no matter what i say, you will still believe i don’t like myself.

     

    you too have access to those resources. But you simply don’ want it.

    Because i desperately want the other option, the people option, to be accepted and understood, to be loved, and i can’t seem to accept anything less, its so lonely to watch videos, i want people for god sake, connection.

     

    If you fully and completely accepted yourself, you wouldn’t be looking for acceptance from people online

    So would you live completely alone, loving yourself and accepting yourself, knowing that most people won’t, i thought we are social animals, this is just frustrating, no matter what reasons i give, you still convinced of this.

     

    You wouldn’t want me – a random stranger on the internet – to like you,

     

    You aren’t just a complete stranger, you are human, and im human, i would feel good knowing a human likes me, to challenge my belief that says “most people won’t”, knowing that its because of who i am, not because of anything else, i wish i was something you would like, i truely do, i wish that i had the desire to change to be liked by a person like you, not only you but most people, the thing is, i know that somethings can make people love me, some superficial things, money, looks, but i sadly don’t subscribe to this kinda superficial shit, i wish i did, but i know if they like me because of these reasons, it wouldn’t matter.

     

    Not only you don’t accept me, you never will, and you represent most people, because this mentally is common, if you are true, that i don’t love myself, and that im wrong with my reasoning (you don’t believe/ dismiss my arguments) anita wouldn’t agree with me, she wouldn’t have to continue talking to me if she didn’t think  im honest, maybe, Just maybe, you are wrong? You ever thought of that? But no, you are very smart to be wrong, you will never drop your belief that i don’t love myself, no matter how much reasons and arguments i gave, you just ignore them, it seems, hmm… i don’t know, arrogant?

     

    Even though i dropped mine about that you are a norime, and continue talking to you, and never made fun of your belief, tell me, if i was super nice, super polite, but had the same beliefs and lifestyle, would you like me? You won’t answer ofcourse, now you know why i called you a norime, now i know that it was best to avoid replaying to you, just makes me sad.

     

    Why do i still try then? Because i like you, sadly, i do, i like the person you are, what you do here, how nice and understanding you are, i like you emotionally, but this can fade away, when the mind part interfere, when i decides its not worth it, when i control my feelings, and explain to myself, that it isn’t my fault she won’t like me.

     

    This is how much im desperate for human connection, this is how much im desperate for females to like me, but i won’t let it control my actions, i won’t do anything, to be liked, i will only do what i want, what i please, its misery, but at least im in control, not them.

    • This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by Murtaza.
    in reply to: Its funny how life works #384543
    Murtaza
    Participant

    With whom?

    Someone that likes me.

     

    You are offended if I say that your reasoning is partially caused by childhood trauma. But why?

    No, that’s not what you said in the past, here i accept this.

     

    But what if you’ve experienced trauma, and you’re worthy and lovable and special regardless?

    The same thing you doing here, blaming me as if i don’t love myself, your response implies thats its my falut people don’t like me, i have one word, prove it.

     

    Prove to me that people like me, love me, accept me, understand me, for who i am, despite my beliefs and values, my experience and reasoning say otherwise, not only they gonna misunderstand me, but hate me, hopefully ignore me, and believe me its not because what i say, i can be very nice, to the right people, but no matter how nice i am, they won’t like me.

     

    What if you’re not a loser

    I don’t see myself as a loser, people do, i see nothing wrong with myself, i accepted it, people have a trouble doing that, you included.

     

    But you despise healing because it means you’d need to change something about your life and your thinking, and you don’t want to change anything. You’re afraid that if you change, you’d lose your individuality, your uniqueness

    And why individuality matters to me more then “healing”?

     

    Also if i remember correctly, “healing” that you suggested was to love myself in the way you want to, i also remember you saying its impossible without people, i don’t want to give my reasoning again to why i said no people, i simply don’t have such resources, and in order to have such resources i have to change to be accepted by society, and im talking where i live, iraq, there is no one that knows the word “trauma” even if i find such person, he would be so brainwashed by society, that he will try to change me, my past therapist is a fair example, you is a fair example, no matter what i say, what excuse i give, what argument i provide, you won’t accept me, nor like me, why bother?

    in reply to: Its funny how life works #384536
    Murtaza
    Participant

    ‘I’ want change, ‘I’ cant change, ‘I’ don’t want to change.  The ‘I’ does not exit, the self does not exit???

    I suppose you mean exist?

    To make it clear, the human part of me desire things, basic needs, i need those, not to survive, but to live better, but there is a belief/desire/goal that conflict with these, lately this conflict becomes lesser and lesser, those goals/belief/desire won over the human needs/desires.

     

    Only you can define the word self

    What self? I believe there is no center of a self, but only desire/belief/goals that was pushed to you by luck, and yes the one i stand for are also pushed by environment and genes, so “I” really didn’t create anything, just following my programming.

     

    not the ego, not thoughts, not emotions, not even experiences, only a means to communicate.

    Here we go with the abstract, i think when you talk to people, you should use a language they understand, not everyone is smart and abstract like you.

     

    So where is your doubt?

    When i finished last time post and posted it, after feeling a little sad, i said to myself “why make such post, i clearly don’t believe in most of what i said?” “Who cares?”

     

    A person that can accept the reality that nothing is certain and learns to embraces doubt would not experience so much existential angst.

    I actually don’t experience such existential angst, i live very comfortablly, but when i right a post i tend to exaggerate, most of these thoughts are in the back of my head, that appears very little in my life.

     

    Perhaps that is the next ‘logical’ step – practice embracing the doubt you assume your living in.

    No lol, the next logical step is to do it, anything less would be problematic, embracing or not, i will still live the same way, the belief/desire/goal, won’t be changed, its a self defeating thing, in order to change them, you have to change them first.

     

    even surprise… Curiosity, maybe the next moment will be different.

    Living life, i understood its an illusion, the next moment is the same, my life is the same, my values and beliefs is the same, im getting older, life getting hotter and harder, and i still have this idea in the back of my head, that has no proof, “the future is open, anything could happen” what i fail to understand, is nothing gonna happen unless i do something about it.

     

    Curiosity, I think implies hope,

    i don’t label it as “hope” or “good” only truth, the truth is, wether i like it or not, the future is open, and you can’t know it no matter what. But i understood that’s not entirely true, you can guess the future based on your present desires and beliefs, and well mine are fucked, so yeah

     

    If ‘its’ all illusion pick a good one.

    I refuse to pick any illusions, i refuse to follow anything that aren’t true, if that means misery, so be it, i won’t fool myself, just to live, i won’t cope with a fantasy, not anymore.

     

    in reply to: Its funny how life works #384535
    Murtaza
    Participant

    I see you’re reaching out, wanting something

    Yes, i want connection.

     

    You see how you’re creating your own reality?

    Did i Choosed the people who answer me? Did i Choosed the place i live? Did i Choosed teak to answer me? To make fun of my belief because no one else believe it? Dismiss my arguments as depression and trauma? Project her values and beliefs because they are superior, because society agrees with her, because she knows more then me about my own life, a life i lived for decades, and she comes with 10 min thinking to figure it out, dare tell me how to love myself, how to live, and i should thank her, if she ever cared, she would put herself in my position, see life the way i see it, and try to understand (not advise) why and how do i live, but that’s a bit hard, all they can do is compare their suffering to mine, and somwhow coming with the conclusion that its similar, dismissing what i stand for, my mind, as depression, something that happened to them in a period of time, and then start projecting thier experience, thier point of view, on me, because they are superior, they know better, i should dismiss my mind and follow whatever they say, like a slave, and i should thank them, what a sick joke.

     

    you don’t appreciate their sincere wish to help

    Im sorry society brainwashed thier brain, mind values and beliefs, im sorry im different, im sorry that their help make me sick, disgust me, make me wanna end it.

     

    and are totally dismissive of anything they tell you

    I only dismissed what doesn’t make sense, the only reason i engaged with you because it first you said things that can be true, but then started to project, because you simply can’t accept what i stand for and what i believe, its troubling to your world view, so its my fault right? Because i am like this.

     

    So their response is that they ignore you, which is what “you expected”. But in reality, you brought about this reaction upon yourself

    Yes i did brought this upon myself, not because i said what i said, but because i Choosed to be this person.

     

    why would someone want to engage with you, only to be rejected and treated disrespectfully? They rather withdraw.

    Its funny you said that, because i feel that way about them, but my feelings doesn’t matter right? Thier feeling does, because society validate thier feelings.

     

    If you want to engage with people meaningfully, you’d need to stop rejecting them so completely, while believing that they are rejecting you.

    They are rejecting me, they reject my mind, arguments, beliefs and values, my lifestyle, everything i do or think, as depression or trauma, whats the point of even trying to make them understand if they will never accept you?, never understand you?, never care for you?, not because of any wrong in you, but because society brainwashed thier brain to think you are bad, that you are worthless, a waste, a loser, depressed.

     

    So no i don’t wanna engage with such people, and my posts are very clear, they dismiss such people from the start, to not go through this again, and the proof is, there is very few people that will accept me, most will try to change, project, and misunderstood, the proof is my past post, the proof is these posts.

    in reply to: Its funny how life works #384469
    Murtaza
    Participant

    You appear to be at constant war with yourself

    Though first you have to define “yourself” cause i got no definition

     

    If you say its your nature, basic needs, dreams and desires, i wouldn’t agree, because i don’t like to be told who to be, or what to be, i will be an animal in people eyes, just because i want to, now the good question would be, why? Why i want such thing? Is this why can be changed? No, why? Cause the person having this, sees no problem with it, what else to do then? Tell me, peter, whats the next logical step? And be harsh, i didn’t see your replay as harsh.

     

    Probably a illusion

    The thing is, without this illusion, without any illusions and false hopes, life is just one ugly bitch.

     

    You want relationship but only on your terms which isn’t relationship

    My terms are fair though, not realistic though, at least not where i live, but yeah i dropped the idea of relationships long time ago, when i knew its my falut, It would be helpful if you quote me, to understand which part that i said that make you think that.

     

    You desire dialog while determined not to look past your certainties,

    I have no certainties, only doubts, lots and lots of doubts, about everything and anything, a never ending doubt.

     

    and then act surprised when you didn’t get anywhere.

    Never surprised, i actually expected this lifestyle, and expected it will be this bad, what i didn’t expect, is that i will face the consequences more then often, should’ve expected that as well, but it would take years to do so.

     

    I imagine your reply that only a normal person would think that.

    No, its only a defense mechanism, you have to understand where i live, how people see me, and what they assume when i tell just one thing about my life, imagine being told lies after lies after lies, and the lies being pushed as the truth, the truth wouldn’t matter anymore, the lie became the truth, and if you ever think differently, then you deserve isolation, misunderstood, judged, blamed, shamed, gulited, thats the normal, and when i told you, you trigger it, by blaming, you didn’t mean to, and im sorry for my response, but it hurts.

     

    Your life philosophy is contradiction and unskillful even if reasoned or illusion

    I would suggest otherwise, because here i am, alive, so it was skillfull by making me survive, is it true? I don’t think so, is it helpful? Definitely, the more i live, the more i realize i made the best solution, the second best, you know the first.

     

    So honest with your self you lost sight of your self

    What self? The one was giving to me by society? The one that was giving by my father and mother parenting? Thier qualities and desires and dreams? Yikes, i perfer the one i created, the one that i control, the non people pleaser, the not weak one, the not so given up to societal ideas, the one that doesn’t care wether basic needs are met or not, the unhuman one, the one that is nearly a god, a monster, an animal, the one that doesn’t care about anything, doesn’t have any values or dreams, the one thats not under any control, the one that is the only person i trust, the one that makes me feel good, the one that is so comforting, the one that is smart, and doesn’t make luck decide his distany.

     

    I sound crazy, well i might be, the thing is, if i am, there is no solution, and people help often are just projection (i don’t mean you) they often tells you what you need to do, because they value such thing, they often advice you, using thier logic and thier point of view, i realized “help” is just a made up word, a made up concept, for the people who believe such illusion, such silly idea, who can a person helps me? With words? With actions? All doesn’t work, all is meaninglessness.

     

    One half your world is real the other half denied expression.

    I had to deny my basic needs, either way im not getting them, so why not remove them?

     

    You use words to define, contain and make things small.  For you I wonder if the map has not become the territory

    “Nothing is true, everything is permitted” add to that a silliness, a sense that life is a complete joke, sometimes unfunny, a clown theater, so yes, i treat life, as everything is just a joke, never serious.

     

    I don’t mean to me harsh, or maybe I do. I don’t know, it happens

    You were nice, at least you didn’t write anything abstract lol.

     

    What is it you really expect from such dialog

    Honestly ? The worse, which is either being misunderstood, or the expected thing, which is to be ignored, sometimes i will just make a post to prove to myself the latter, and that norimes, truely don’t understand me, or don’t want anything to do with me, imagine this is online, so what happens when i say half this, in a country that value work and being a man, that believe in a supernatural things, and anyone who don’t believe it, is either crazy or just pathetic, because he is going to hell, im way ahead of my time, too ahead that its impossible to live with such people.

     

    My only friend, the only person who looked like me, lived like me, thinked like me, decide to actually do it, the thing is, what he said “you either die or live long enough to humiliate yourself” i Choosed the latter, i choosed apathy, to sacrifice my basic needs and feelings and desires and dreams, in order to survive, what a great cost, soild my humanity for few years, what a silly decision, now i can’t go back, nothing gonna stop me now.

    in reply to: Life without dopamine #383722
    Murtaza
    Participant

    Dear peter, while i appreciate your replay, especially you did it twice (which is something i would never do lol) i just don’t understand most of it, i like direct answers, but im gonns replay to the ones i understood.

    Do you have access to talk therapy to go along with the medication assistance?

    No, and im glad i don’t.

     

    I wonder though if an intentional practice of detachment might help?

    How so? If the goods doesn’t feel good, and i can’t undo the detachment, i can’t control it and only pick the good, because its not a me problem, its a manufacture problem.

     

    What is the motivation to do things?  Life

    If an animal doesn’t manufacture the right things in his brain to be healthy so he can hunt and live, he won’t live, he will survive.

     

    Have you noticed that 95 percent of the story tends to be focused on the struggle to get to the top

    I noticed that most movies have happy ending, to push this idea to people, the optimism, the toxic optimism, this is why i look for movies that speak the truth, for once. A truth similar to mine.

     

    Its the drama of the engagement with the struggle that pulls us into the story is the struggle

    Unless there is something internal that makes you not engage, something outside of your control, you can’t project your experience into others, you can’t say that you must follow this way, because its better to someone when he has a completely different life and mindset, the only right way to live is to what he think is the right way to live.

     

    So which is it? The moment on top or the engagement that matters?

    To me? None.

     

    Is their choice here? I don’t know

    I know. Its no, i can’t produce dopamine, and i can’t live without it, isn’t it funny? That i live like an animal? No feelings, no desires, just surviving, without any point or goal, just for the sake of survival, a ture to my nature, an animal.

     

    saying Yes to Life as it is

    Accept being an animal, forget about being human, forget feelings and desires and what makes life good, this is what you are saying, sure i will, a human would suicide, he would care enough to know that this is bullsh*t, that this life isn’t worth living, isn’t worth the trouble, that at least he would go with dignity.

     

    Life does not give you meaning or purpose it is you

    You can’t give purpose without a desire or motivation behind it, you simply can’t.

     

    So, play????

    And im not playing right now? Sounds like this game is decided by you not the person who should play it?

     

    What is the motivation to do things with dopamine with and without reward?

    You missed the point, anything you want to do has either a desire or a motivation, those supported by dopamine, if you lack that, other things may take place (a belief lets say or value) if you didn’t have either, what gonna makes you do something? How would you force your brain without either? You simply can’t.

    in reply to: How to Socialize as a Loner… help #383634
    Murtaza
    Participant

    I want to be me at my best, sociable , charming , adaptable , courageous , fierce … not just 10% of the time as usual but I want to be this way most times!

    Sounds like you want to be perfect, this also (i want to be me) means you have a high expectations for  yourself, and will push yourself even if it more good then bad, it also means you already have an image of yourself,

     

    Im assuming the worst of your repaly, if any of them its true then its good because now you know, if not, you won’t lose anything, and i think assuming the best won’t do any good.

     

    “now im afraid to leave. I get in this weird habit of thinking people are watching me

    A further evidence to my claim (sounds you want to be prefect) you care too much about people opinion, you want to be perfect infornt of them, and the evidence is that you are afraid to leave.

     

    How would a socialite navigate this situation ?

    The better question would be “how would i wanna handle this situation?”

     

    Why you try to be something that you are not? You said that you are introvert, there is other ways you can make friends, other way to connect with people, a more introvert way, that will suit you more.

     

    How would I socialize with ppl when everyone is already happy with friends ??

    I don’t think this is true.

     

    I actually was more sociable & post graduation

    WAS, foucs on your current self and desires.

     

     I want to be more sociable than 10% is unrealistic at all

    This only supports my claim “you have a high expectation for yourself and gonna push yourself even if its bad” the funny thing is, i read a section of your post and replay and then continue reading.

     

    I believe in setting realistic goals and this is what I’m doing and holding myself accountable to .

    A very inflexible attitude, no one gonna change your mind about this goal or the problem underneath.

     

     I am trying to go back to being more social like I was in college

    Why you try so hard to be something you was in the past? That’s the question you should ask yourself, and can you drop your false image of who you are for one second?

     

    Utilizing capabilities your body already has, igniting it with an intention or by modeling someone or something that does it well . It would be followed by an integration of ego.

    I don’t care who says this, you can’t change the core of your quality of your personality, if you have the desires and feelings and thoughts of an introvert, then you can’t change them, you can only push yourself towrds something that you don’t desire for a false image or an idea.

     

    “a Loner”

    Notice that anita put marks there, because you have this image of yourself, and it bothers you so much, its because you look yourself from people perspective too much, that you forget your needs and desires and foucs on what they should see, they should see a perfect person, a soical, courageous, charming person, that is not a loner.

     

    its hard to help anyone online, especially when he hand picked the information he gives, i assumed the worse out of scenarios, if you got offended then ask why? Why did words online effected me that much, my its your ego, myabe you don’t like what you hear, ask why, this is all i can offer.

     

    in reply to: wouldn’t be a mercy if i just ended my life? #383261
    Murtaza
    Participant

    Dear anita, i hope that this image of me (A+) won’t get in the way when i say something wrong (brust anger) that you will get disappoint, i was afraid (still afraid) of what i say/said that might disappoint you, this might filter what i really wanna say, but i don’t let it, what i need from you, to not have such high expectations for me, i always wanted to show the opposite, for people to have low expectations, then i show them the reality (which happened here :D) i remember from my sister favorite movie (phantom thread) the main character said “its expectations what ruin relationships, the image they hold” if i remember correctly.

    in reply to: wouldn’t be a mercy if i just ended my life? #383230
    Murtaza
    Participant

    Dear anita, you shared that you don’t like sharing, that you hate it, and only do it to help people, but i feel (assumption) you want to be helped just like you help people, you want people in the taproom to talk to you, treat you the same way you do to them (i hope some of them do), i wonder why you hate it? Why you hate something you want ? Because you wanted it for a long time? Thats what comes to my mind (you shared that once your uncle asked you what you are thinking, and you still remember how good it felt)

     

    I was thinking what made anita talk to me in the first place, (i feel new appreciation for you) you said, i wonder if you ever thought about wanting to be helped when you saw me, that i could accept your anger towards your mother (these are just doubts in my head, its a possibility that happened to me in the past, so excuse me for raising them) maybe its just that you wanted to help me, after all you do that with every member, i honestly don’t know how we get to this conversation, it developed fast.

     

    I think that I am like Max in the movie- emotions make me anxious, relationships alarm me. I prefer to avoid them, and I do. There is a person I care so much about, in another country, and yet, I don’t call

    I understand, if im mary and max told me that my messages makes him anxious, i would either talk about something that doesn’t make him anxious, or just stop.

     

    Maybe you can help me with this. (I never brought this up with anyone, this is the first time, online or irl)

    I can only ask things that will rasie some questions in your head, sadly its limited how i can help you through the internet, its even limited in real life, i wonder what is those feelings, that makes you very overwhelmed that you don’t wanna experience them (or is it something else you?)

     

    as is, a person like me needs a lot of alone-time and can’t take too much together time, prefers groups of people to one-to-one. Would that be something you would have wanted.. with someone (much younger) like me

    Definitely, i understand the age gap, though you are the only person that meet both criteria, the intellectual and emotional sides, in my past when i talked to females, most of them meet only one side (the emotional mostly since its easier) i had to drop my standards to talk to them, to drop a little of my persona, set it a side, never doing that again, the emotional side doesn’t matter to me no more, since it was very much inherited, the intellectual side however, the one that i control, in my mind, we are compatible, in my feelings, we are compatible, in real life its not possible, but i just like to acknowledge it, we don’t have to do anything, just talk, until we ran out.

     

    as is, a person like me needs a lot of alone-time and can’t take too much together time, prefers groups of people to one-to-one.

    If we are talking about a hypothetical scenario, and that we are both close, and there was no age gap (which it wouldn’t be possible im afraid but its hypothetical) i would give you as much alone time as you like, and the one on one is a downside, but its definitely worth it when it comes with the whole package.

     

    anger that was expressed on my face

    I would definitely like when you be angry (lol), i laugh when my little sister gets angry (its only happes when i care about the person)

     

    what is your experience with women, physically

    None lol.

     

    you are referring to, is it in regard to love online or irl

    Online, when people can be themselves.

     

    Murtaza, had one love relationship with one woman irl (and the relationship ended), then you would have been more likely to believe that it can happen again, with another woman.

    More likely? Yes, emotionally? Yes, intellectually? No, one experience doesn’t change the facts.

     

    I tried to edit the post above, and remove the “I would have run to you”

    Why? Its cute, in my mind its a hypothetical scenario, it will never happen, its more like a wish, i wish the same too, but we can acknowledge that wish (just like you did above) no need for further actions.

     

    it’s just that I felt guilty

    For what? I thought you were afraid (this is a public forum, and an online conversation) from this limitation.

     

    no wonder it is so difficult for you, full of youth,  to be caged in depression

    What i understood is that you never lived your youth, and that now those desiers and feelings is  youth? That you somehow trying to relive what you missed?

     

    these youthful emotions,  are not gone now

    I don’t believe there is a certain age where these emotions go, why do you call them youthful emotions? Why not just emotions? This assumes there is a limitation to one  could feel when he hit a certain age (its similar when someone puts a label to himself, and then when this label “as all other lables” becomes unsteady, he changes but the label doesn’t, then he will struggle, trying to  fit into the label “youth,old”)

     

    what is one to do with an emotion (energy- in motion) where there is nowhere for the motion to go to, suspended in the air, nowhere for it to land?

    If its more bad to feel them to the person then good, then yes whats the point, a person should always peruse the best possible outcome.

     

    In my experience, i would just feel them, not thinking about what comes next or anything, just trying to live the moment. (This is not an advice, lol) i think you best.

     

    a way that requires thinking outside the box.. so that you can.. even if it is for one day, spread your wings and fly up in the blue sky, going someplace.

    The first thing came to my mind is that “i create a rich fantasy world, then i won’t be dependent on people for my needs” but i already did that, i don’t think there is a way, its better to give up then to chase a very very rare possibility, ofcourse i can increase or decrease such possibility, but i refuse sadly.

     

    This post was made possible, in part, by a bit of red wine

    You makes me wanna try it.

     

    I posted earlier, for you to not be sad, i made a lot of mistakes in this post, which i hope you correct (i made a lot of assumptions, said things that may not be true, or hurtful)

    in reply to: wouldn’t be a mercy if i just ended my life? #383209
    Murtaza
    Participant

    dear anita, my replay gonna be late, you expressed a lot in your two recent post, i need time to think about what i said and what you said.

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