i know the feeling. i wanted to get out of my town for years. the plan was finish college and leave. well college ended 8 years ago and i just moved away in March. i couldn’t move out on my own until i was 24/25, and thanks to my anxiety i was having a huge freak out. i’m the type that saves every penny, so to suddenly hand over 2000$ for first and last rent on top of paying bills, buying groceries, and being an adult, scared the life out of me, but it’s what i wanted to do and i’m glad i did. it’s also a good idea to do it in 6 months for a number of reasons, i packed and moved in a month, and trust me, some days i was energetic and packing, other days i was hyperventilating and terrified i couldn’t find work, lost my job, boyfriend couldn’t find work, we couldn’t pay rent, blah, blah, blah. having a 6 month window you can work towards the goal of moving. you can calculate costs, figure out a moving date, research moving companies [or just rent a UHaul and ask some friends to help. that costs gas money and pizza] you can also start de-cluttering and packing at a slow pace, and you can also begin handing out resumes so you have a job lined up for when you move [if you’re moving far away i mean]

but i also get that feeling of being stuck. it feels horrible, and it is the universes way of saying you should do something. ultimately it’s your call, you could go logically and wait, or throw caution to the wind and do it. talk with your sister [and your moms friend if you want] and do what you guys feel is best. you really don’t have anyone to answer to but yourself. yes, it’s wise to be considerate of others, but if you feel moving now is best and you simply cannot wait any longer, go for it, life’s an adventure after all.

sometimes there’s nothing you can do. if you haven’t already, you should sit your father down and calmly explain the situation. many people who’ve never experienced mental/emotional issues like panic attacks won’t understand [what do you have to be depressed about? you’ve got all this stuff, so stop being so sad] on the other hand, try seeing it from his point of view, here’s his child in pain and there’s nothing he can do and that’s frustrating. a family counselling session might help. try to be civil and work through it if possible, if you’re only planning to stay one more year, but if it’s really terrible for you, you might have to consider moving early.

i can kind of relate, i’ve dealt with panic attacks, anorexia, anxiety, depression [at one point i would punch myself because the physical pain would distract me from my emotional pain] my mom never understood, she would normally ignore it, or she would try to help but if i didn’t get better within a short period of time she would explode and demand i stop being depressed, anxious, eat my dinner. [i have foot problems and i sometimes can hear my mom in my mind demand i stop limping and walk normal.] i’m not upset with my mom, she just had her own issues at the time, as well as my grandparents don’t really talk about emotional/mental problems [i found out once i was diagnosed that a lot of people in my family have anxiety, depression, even some bi-polar, they just say the persons ‘blue today’, or they’ve got ‘mountain disease’] coupled with being upset her child was hurting and there wasn’t anything she could do. it’s not the right response, but you can sympathise somewhat. i don’t live at home anymore, and my mom has started a lot of self-love, so she no longer snaps at me, and things have improved.

try and focus on the good times with your father, and when you feel an attack coming, go into the other room for a moment, or explain to him you need a moment and will return. you might still have the occasional outburst, but if the two of you can sit and talk calmly i’m sure things will be better.

*singing* just keep swimming, swimming, swimming.

i know the feeling [i kind of had a quarter life crisis a few years back] it took me a few years to get out of the funk [had to hit rock bottom. anxiety and depression. not fun] the first thing i did was start journalling. i carried one with me wherever i went and would write in it whenever i had a moment. sometimes it was recaps of my day, other times a comment someone made or a random thought. i’m artistic, so i would also doodle in it, as well as make random lists and write quotes that resonated with me. every couple of months i would read over what i wrote and write notes on certain entries because i was far enough ahead i could look at the problem from a non-emotional state, i would also begin to see patterns [like when i said ‘maybe’ i didn’t really want to do something] i also had another notebook i still use, but it’s hard to describe exactly, the first thing i did was make a list of 100 things i wish to accomplish in my life [from eat a tube of cookie dough to visit Japan] i go back through that list occasionally and change some things, but it helped me figure out what i value and want out of life [mostly some fun adventures, spiritual and artistic gain and stupid things to laugh at later] i also wrote lists about people who inspire me and why, designed my dream life, and a few spiritual things like chakras and meditation experiences i wanted to remember. again, reading over it later brought some perspective.

meditation and mindfulness also helped me [as well as reading TinyBuddha daily for a little inspiration/motivation] and talking with the people around me, specifically my boyfriend. it’s kind of a long process, and there are days you’ll feel stuck and stagnant, just take small steps. one day you might clean out the attic and feel you did a lot, other days you might just read a book on gardening, everything you do will lead you to figuring out what does and doesn’t work, the key for me was to journal so i could look back later, and understand why i was doing something. with the attic example, you’re de-cluttering, but you should also make a mental note of things, like you wanted to become a great chef so you bought a ton of books, only to pack them away, unused, so maybe you just like the vision of being a great chef, but cooking isn’t your interest.

I know how you feel. With friends and family I’m the perfect version of me, once I’m out in public I become a cynical closed off person [due manly to my brain thinking people in the town believe that’s who I am. Long story but it’s a vicious cycle I can’t break out of. So I’m moving!] Try taking baby steps. When you make eye contact with someone, smile. [I’m not one to constantly smile but I smile at everyone I lock eyes with] you could also try asking someone how there day is going and actually mean it [as a barista I can’t tell you how wonderful it feels when someone seriously wants to know how your day is instead of a formality] you could also try being more charitable. Nothing major, maybe donate one can of soup a week, or throw a quarter into a street performers hat.

I think it comes down to self-esteem/self-confidence, you fear rejection so you project half of yourself to the outside world, which shields you from real rejection if someone doesn’t like this fake you. Try making small goals for yourself each day to slowly ease yourself out. And if someone doesn’t like the real you, forget them! As long as you’re happy that’s all that counts! [Easier said than done I know]

I can kind of relate, I’m almost always the one to start conversations with my friends but that’s because we’re busy and don’t have much to talk about.

Regarding your friend, it could just be her, she could simply be a private person, but I would talk to her about it and if she still seems to shrug and go “stuff happens” then I would reflect and ask yourself honestly if the relationship is worth it. If it feels one sided and each conversation leaves you drained emotionally you might be better off making new friends.

Right here my friend! Isn’t the food service industry fun? I’m in my mid-twenties but I know the feeling. I hate my job, it’s the main cause of my anxiety and depression, but I kept saying “next year for sure” or “if X happens one more time I’m done.” But that never happens because you’re beaten down and scared. I finally reached my breaking point and quit [two weeks left! Though my boss isn’t convinced, he keeps saying “I know you said February 5, but I’ve scheduled you until the 29.” He’s in for a surprise] if you have a better job, I say take a deep breath and take the plunge.

If you really want to go to school isn’t there a government program [student loan] you could apply for? I’m Canadian so I don’t know your post secondary education funding. You could also try messaging people in your desired field and see if you could intern or get some sort of small job in the office. Is there any online courses you could take? Idk about that specific field but I’ve found a few affordable online courses. One friend is doing one for accounting and just has to drive to the school for final exams.

Deep breathing helps my anxiety, mindfulness too. It’s hard to describe, but one day there was an ‘aha’ moment and I was able to control my anxiety, but the job I reached my limit which I don’t recommend waiting until then. It’s scary trying something new [I’m scared too with my plans] but I guess you should take the mindset that it’s better to take the risk. You’re miserable now, how could taking this better paying job be worse? Plus, you’ll look back on this moment one day, even if it was a bad idea [Which I don’t think you are making a bad decision] at least you tried and can have some story to tell. Good luck to you!

Sivi, you need to get in touch with yourself. I mentioned journaling above, it really helped me. I thought it was silly at first, and I would skip a day here and there when there was nothing I deemed note worthy, but it’s a good tool to help you work through problems. Example, if you have a knot in your stomach, you could read over the days events to figure out when it started, or you could note how you feel in given situations. [Out with friends, but feel nervous] slowly you’ll begin to realize why. Therapy is another option, it will give someone to talk to and help you with these suicidal thoughts. If you can’t for whatever reason, try calling a helpline just to have someone to talk to and offer advice.

Meditation can also help you connect with your inner self. Don’t worry if your mind chatters away, the key is to let the thoughts flow. Some days you won’t think of anything and still your mind, other days you’ll have that annoying song you heard a billion times today playing on repeat, or your mind will recall events, just let it be. Keeping a notepad nearby can help should you realize anything. You also could do it whenever. Sitting on the bus or sipping your morning coffee [or tea in my case] just lean back and observe the world around you. No phone, no music, just let your mind go free.

Also, while I don’t suggest cutting ties with everyone, you might consider making a list of people you can rely on, people you can’t, people who make you feel amazing and people who drain your energy. Think about spending more time with the ones that build you up [family for example, and friends you consider family] in high school I had a huge network of friends, we may not of been close, but I knew a lot of people and we would talk and hang out on a regular basis. It’s been almost 10 years since we graduated. I can count my close friends on one hand, and if I include online friends and friends I only see at conventions I’m up to 12. Yet I don’t deal with drama or people bringing me down. I was sad when I realized I only have a handful of close friends all these years later, but I’ve come to accept and in fact love this. Friends aren’t trading cards.

Good luck to you.