Hello everyone,

Just catching up with this now. It sounds like the weekend away is a nice distraction and being by the sea can be quite grounding. I wouldnt worry if you feel like you want to go back to your accomodation or just for a walk by yourself etc as ultimatly that is self care, there are no “shoulds”. If you arent enjoying something thats okay. I think my brain tends to remind me of the past more when I am tired or hungry or just feel “off” so taking care of yourself if those feelings come up is so important for you. I would be scared drinking (and still am now) as unless i am in the 100% right mood it tends to bring up all sad feelings. So I think you are doing the right thing by being designated driver and if you want to drink or dont want to then it is completly your choice. They sound like lovely work mates organising weekends away etc do I really hope it is a nice break for you, even if it is hard at parts.

I agree with what you mean about you KNOWING things but your heart FEELS differently. Its a really hard one as the heart is so strong. For me (and I have struggled with steps forward and back for a few years so its not all plain sailing) is just trying to accept it is what it is. Like every time my mind would bring up a positive thing I would remind it of the facts and try and distract myself whilst at the same time thinking to myself if i always love him with a part of my heart then i cant help it and thats okay. I cant get him back so i need to live my life now, and then think of something to do to distract myself. It is hard as triggers happen all the time and its defo a one step forward, one back process. Another thing that gives me comfort is that you are a different person for knowing your ex, one by your time together and two by the strength, resilience and courage you have trying to move on now- and no one can eliminate that. It will always be there. You also said about not feeling brave or strong, but from your posts you really are. You are actively trying to help yourself and have been doing all the way through.you could of stayed at home and not gone to the weekend away but you have chosen to say yes and go- that in itself shows resilience and courage so you are doing brilliantly. 🙂

Kkasxo- Really sorry to hear things arent so great with you. Therapy can be hard and bring up stuff which can make it seem more raw. Have you got anything nice planned for yourself this weekend? If you feel low maybe do one thing you are putting off and just that little victory (which actually is a huge victory as it is you vs your mind) can make you feel slightly better. For distraction, i listened to thus podcast https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b00mb9pkon radio 4 this week – and its not suggesting at all you being a widow- its stories of women who found happiness after losing thier loved ones. For alot of them it was about rediscovering who they were. It was funny and not as sad as it sounds.

In terms of your ex, from what you have said about him here he sounds like a nice, decent person who is trying to help you eg being there when you feel low, flowers, offering to go with you to blood tests. I dont know the trauma between you two, but from an outsider he sounds like one of the good guys. However I may have got the 100% wrong end od the stick as i havent read all the posts on here and also i dont know your and his story/wasnt in the relationship so please ignore that part if I am talking out of turn. I also know how family can help to make or break a relationship and how hard it can be going to family stuff when there has been water under the bridge. I think its back to what you and Shelby have said all along, there is not a magic right answer, its what works for you.

SBack to this weekend, I really hope you are okay. If you want to relax, eat chocolate and veg out watching tv thats okay, you have to take care of you. One thing I tend to do when feeling low is reading an uplifting book or going on Marc and Angel website or Lone Wolf website. The Lone Wolf website is good as it has mini quizzes you can do which help you learn more about yourself-its an easy way to pass the time. One last thing, this last christmas i was dreading it so i went and volunteered for the day. I felt terrible waking up but being around new people all day and volunteeing (it was a soup kitchen type thing) got me out of my head and into engaging with others. All of these things are a distraction/way of tiring me out at best but can help pass the time and get to the next day. Take care of yourself this weekend.

Hello Kkasxo,

Not sure if I should post or not as you, Shelby, Victoria and Valora (and anyone else I may have missed) are being such a good support network on this thread, you sound like old friends which is lovely.

I just wanted to try and help if I could with my experience of the spiral and how to try and slow it down. I really feel for you as I have struggled with this and probably still will in the future as the thoughts–low mood–i want the pain to stop and me to die cycle is so hard to see when you are in it and it feels totally overwhelming. My therapist calls them “emotional flashbacks” maybe of trauma from childhood and/or the actual trauma itself. I find it hard to know when I am am in one as the thoughts seem so real aka it seems a real thought to hate myself and want to die and feel totally hopeless. However, she has given me some markers to try and identify it before it spirals too far and becomes overwhelming aka me crying and crying in bed. These are:

1) wanting to post lots of messages to her on the online therapy portal

2) my life seeming “all wrong” – black and white thinking

33) me wanting to run away, get a tattoo, quit my job or any other drastic decision

4) me wanting to die and googling “i want to die” “i feel hopeless” “i hate myself” etc

5) feeling entirely without hope

6) not wanting to go outside or see anyone or do any work etc etc.

It can be so hard (and I had this for about 2 years solid at least) where I felt like that every day, so the low energy kind of feels “normal” if very very exhausting and draining and scary. It was also scary if i felt “okay ish” or dare i say it “happy” as I know “the fall” would come (which it always did).

When I can either tell I am starting a spiral or in a spiral, my therapist has told me to do the things you have done eg journal, meditate, exercise, eat right etc. On some days I find that none of these things work. On those days I tend to kind of accept it and go to bed early with a good book and a hot bottle and kind of zone out. She says that sleep or meditating is kind of a “reset” and can help reset your mood/energy levels. She also said about appreciating the little things aka sunrise, cup of coffee etc. When I am in a low mood/spiral those little things feel like absolutely nothing. My thoughts at that time are: “how dare you deserve and enjoy this coffee, you are worthless, and life is hopeless, and coffee is bad for you, you cant even choose one thing right, life is pointless.. how about wine instead??!” Etc so its REALLY HARD for me to enjoy the little things as they sont seem “enough” or i would see a nice sunset and feel numb (and then feel scared) as its like any feelings arent getting through or get through in waves that take me over. I have a gratitude journal which helps me actively appreciate things (on a good day) or at least remember them (on a bad day).

I find that if I have a routine that does all of those things I am okay but if I fall out of my routine or skip for a day or two as I am feeling better, the whole thing falls apart and i am back to crying and crying again.

For me, my routine starts with listening to youtube video https://youtu.be/ygCZo9vVNJw which is just long enough for me to get dressed and put my trainers on. I then go for a 30 min run-come back have breakfast etc etc and it seems that if I start right and then always try and do “the next right thing” whatever that may be in your day, it all follows on.

I have also tried antidepressants. They didnt work for me as it just made me feel hungover and at the same time not sleep. So far exercise has been the kind of glue holding things together as whilst I am running i am not thinking. On the days where nothing works, I tend to go out for a long run eg 1 hour and run and run through the tears until I am too tired and stop as that at least stops thought temporarily.

Other things that help on the bad days are literally the little things aka wearing a fleecy jumper in bed, reading an uplifting book, googling “mind” the charity and reading stories from people who have been in similar positions, looking at ruby etc posts on twitter (they are funny and true). Just very small things.

I really really hope you start to feel better. From you and Shelby’s posts you both are strong, courageous, honest and kind people that any guy would be so so lucky to have. Xx

In terms of uplifting fiction books I would suggest:

1) the sevens sisters series by Lucinda Riley – books about a path of seven sisters finding their life stories after their father dies and leaves them with co-ordinates of their birth fanilies. Interesting and also comforting as rach sister is starting out life again.

2) Cathy Kelly or Maeve Binchley books e.g classic and uplifting.

3) sometimes childrens classics can be conforting eg wizard of oz, house on the prairie etc.

X

Hello Madxx,

I wanted to write as I have been in a similar situation so wanted to offer my two cents/experience in case it helped.

I moved in with my long term boyfriend at 21 with his mum. We lived in his famg home which he was not going to leave.

In my case the situation was messy as the rest of the family called me a gold digger etc for buying the house with him, as his mum helped us out alot with the deposit so he could live there. His mum is nice with a kind bheart but also very dependent on him and at times manipulative to him and they do bicker eg revert to childhood ways when together.

I knew in my gut i didnt want to move in/buy the house at so young. I felt it came with alot kf pressure of being a house wife, having children which i wasnt ready for. Some members of th family talking behind my bacj wasnt fun (and bothered me more than it should) and i felt judged if i changed anything about the house, as it wasnt “how it was”.

I expressed my feelings to my boyfriend an rhey were wiped under the carpet and not acknowledged. I felt like to please him i HAD ro buy the house, but i also resented him for not listening to me, or hearing how i felt. He was so set on buying the house it didnt seem to matter about how i thought. He was doing his life plan anyway. I wish i had made him pause and hold off a while OR rent somewhere else away from his family.

It is only in the past few years i have tried to find myself and i wish i had the courage to do that sooner and believe my gut feelings/hestiation were important. I was made to feel crazy and guilty for not wanting to buy the house when actually i think iy pointed to issues about our relationship.

So my advice would be please please please listen to your gut. It is hard living in a threes a crowd situation, and it sounds like he is not hnderstanding how you feel. He also argues with his mum which you wouldnt be able to avoid if you lived there all the time. It sounds like it would mak you miserable, i certainly sas, so please make him see you properly before jumping into this.

All the best of luck.

Hello Steve,

I know the feeling of “there is no point” well. I think many people do. Having depression is feally rough and can sometimes feel like one step forward and three back on the bad days. You arent alone in feeling lonely or like life is meaningless at times.

A few things that helped me try and see more meaning was to write down and try and fathom out what i wanted my life to mean eg if i accepted i was always going to feel sad but was still going to be alive, how best could i use my time? A few answers came up, some of which i have followed. It helped me feel more clarity on the bad days about why i was sstill alive.

Secondly, distraction can be helpful. Though i am sure you know this already as you went back to work after being off, but like reading an uplifting book or listening to music or just meditating can help. A book I read recently which summed up how lonliness feels really well is called “The heart is a lonely hunter”- its not that uplifting but it did help me feel less alone.

Holidays always make it worse as it seems like the whole world is out there having fun, except you but that really really really isnt the case. Lots of people are sad and lonely, and even the ones that may put on a face can be lonely underneath. I have put on that face so many times.

Sometimes when i am lonely sleep is the only good thing e.g.absence of thought and being me. So if you dont want to get out of bed maybe you could try a meditation that would help you sleep? Also you could browse recipes and make yourself something new cor tea tonight.. again it is a distraction but those sorts of things help me at times.

I am sure other forum members will give you advice and help also. I still struggle with depression so I am probably not the best person to give you advice or help but I just wanted to let you know you arent alone.

In terms of anxiety, I do not know much about that so I have not mentioned it here. How does the anxiety manifest? I have a stammer which is made worse when nervous eg public speaking or speaking to people i dont know, apparently that can be caused by anxiety as a child, but i have no cure for this sso i cant offer any pratical advice there.

I hope you feel slightly better soon. Sending good wishes. 🙂

Hello Foxtree,

I hope you have got some sleep and wake up feeling slightly better. Birthday plus this time of year can be really tough.

Firstly, I just wanted to emphasise that you arent alone. Most people have felt how you bave felt. I personally have not cared if I lived or died – which sounds similar to you driving without your seatbelt on and leaving it to chance. This was because I was either feeling very emotional or very numb so in some way it was me trying to feel something by being reckless. It can also feel like the world is indifferent so leaving it to fate is like wanting a sign someone, somehwere cares. I know that feeling. Do you speak to a therapist? Mine has been really helpful in understand myself better and why I do certain things so they may help you too? Its no cure but day-day it can help. I also try and ignore my thoughts/brain when I am crying/upset as although the thought seem SO real and so strong at the time, give a few days and the world can feel a bit brighter. Easier said than done though. Do you feel you have purpose/meaning outside of your daughter and dog? Eg in your job, hobbies etc?

I think christmas is a hard time. Even those families we think we envy eg the ones you may see walking down the street or in commercials, probably have hidden tensions etc. What you see isnt always how it is. But the pressure at this time of year to have that can make it all seem worse so I can relate to your loneliness. What is your daughter doing for christmas? If she is with her dad maybe you could plan to be around people on that day? Like volunteer at a homeless shelter or take your dog for a walk around people like a park?

As for pushing people away-I think again everyone has done that too at some point. Maybe you could tentatively reach out to 1 od 2 and see if you can reconnect? Or perhaps try to do a hobby either with your daughter and other mums or maybe with your dog to make new friends? I think it can be difficult to make friends as an adult (although aquaintences are easier in my experience!).

I wanted to write as I felt my heart go out to you on reading your post. I just want to say that you aren’t alone. Depression is really really tough and can make life feel meaningless and so hard so you are doing well just to get out of bed and attend to your daughter. You are still fighting the fight every sday and thats admirable and strong! 🙂 I can understand how hard that can be. My therapist also highlighted for me to try and see the joy in the little things eg good coffee, a smile etc. It felt like so little, and certainly not joy, more like a mildly okay feeling, but I am told joy can come.

For three years I woke up every day and hoped i would feel differently eg not lifeless, sad etc and what has helped me most is getting a dog like you did and also anti depressants as for the first time i felt hope and more energy-which was a very strange but nice feeling so maybe they can help?

I feel powerless writing this as I imagine you bave tried alot of these things and have tried self help too. It seems unfair that every day requires willpower, motivation and energy when sometimes fighting the fight one day can be exhausting enough. But you do matter- in a wider way than your daughter and dog – this forum is evidence of that and I wish we could sit down, have a cup of tea and chat or walk your dog together and put the world to rights. Please take good care of yourself x

Hi John,

I have not posted on here in a long while but I read your posts and you remind me alot of me. Most people have been where you are.

You have had lots of really good advice on here so the only two things I would add are (and please take these in the positive way I mean them) its not nice to see someone suffer or suffer yourself. I do know how it feeels.

1) nothing will change unless you do. I know its hard and it sucks and its not fair and its painful and your mind seems to bring up the amazing times with your ex just to spite you. But going down that rabbit hole only lead to crying, upset and more grief. Your ex would not want that for you.

You seem to be struggling with the thoughts a is very easy to do. I have been in therapy and have started a low dose of antidepressents. This made my feelings feel less overwhelming and so I could make more of my days. This may help you. Online counselling or face to face may really help you make sense of why this loss has hit you like it has. There is no shame in it, and it may be linked back to your childhood and wanting (but not getting) certain needs/feelings met that your ex met for a while. I think Anita mentioned about your childhood and my therapist has linked my inabilty to let go as to that too. It takes work. Alot of work.

3) you may want to back and change things but the painful thing is you cant. No amount of should, would, could can change that. I fell into this trap too eg if only I did this or that and beat myself up about it. This was partly because I didnt know any better (an negativity is so hard to escape from) but also because i didnt want to live really. I was just existing and pining for someone who didnt want me.  You are the person you are, and shd is the person she is, and those two people no matter how much they loved each other at the time, just arent meant to be right now. But its not all your fault. Saying i wish i could of done that and this, is like being a child and saying i wish i have a phd or i can drive or whatever.. the child is, at its current stage, sinply unable to do those things. Not because the child is bad or rubbish or a failure, but because the child hasnt learnt the skills yet or its not the right time. You are where you are, and that HAS to be okay. I know this as I spent a LONG time wishing things were different and I had done x,y and z. The reality was, i didnt. But thats just life, everyone has regrets.

Also, your ex may still care for you. You cant be in a relationship or sleep with someone without seeing thier soul and you seeing theirs. That connection is always there if you see them. But its painful and not good for you to see them (as right now from your messages, it only hurts). I try and deal with this by thinking mentally “x is dead to me” it sounds harsh but its trying to get my brain to accept I will never speak to him again or see him. The heart hopes. The heart is optimistic but the heart is wrong in this case. You kind of need to get rid of all hope so you can move in. Your ex has moved on. That doesnt take away what you had at all, its just a new chapter for both of you, like Brav3, its a (unwanted) opportunity to grow.

I think faith helps in that you could see it as part of a master plan or whatnot, but im not sure i believe in that. I do believe that we are who we are and are all trying our best and that we can only focus on what we do each day.

Also, your exs life seems amazing on paper ans she is probably happy, but she still has to get up each day, face challenges and good thigs happening and go to bed and do it all again the next day, eg she has the same 24 hours as you and also faces her own challenges. It helped me to see this as it showed me how much i was wasting my time moping and being sad when I could be making a more productive use of my day.

Also, you have made progress from reading your inital posts to now. You really have. Every day is a fight, but you ARE winning.