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I quit the evil weed for fourteen years and started again for three years. I’m free again but the reality is ex-smokers are never truly free, we are recovering addicts for the rest of our lives.
Sir Walter Raleigh has a lot to answer for!
P.S I lost touch with my best friend, we were friends since the age of four. We reconnected after fifteen years, our friendship is stronger than ever, of course it’s not the same but if anything our friendship is more authentic than it ever was so it’s not always the case that you would drift apart again.
They are not part of your life but not because of you or anything you did. Life is a series of hellos and goodbyes. Sounds as though you have a void that needs to be filled.
Reina. You’re not doing anything wrong you are doing the best you can with the knowledge and understanding that you have at this time. Perhaps you could forge new relationships new friendships? I’m hearing rejection from those closest to you although I doubt that they are consciously pushing you away, people have lives to lead, jobs to fulfil and various commitments as I’m sure you do. You mention childhood and your reluctance to talk about your early years just yet but the fact that you mentioned your childhood in passing is very telling.
I’m sorry to hear of your friend’s passing (I lost a friend two weeks ago, we lost touch for a few years, it is painful to say the least), that’s a lot to take in and process. You need time to grieve as well as come to terms with the end of your relationship with your boyfriend. Keep up with your studies but make time for yourself, there is nothing wrong with Netflix! I call it escapism and I am a self confessed film nut!.
Put the stick away, you’re not dull, you’re going through a difficult period in your life. Have you spoken to your Mum and Sister and explained how you are really feeling? I hope you don’t mind but here is a poem written by Max Ehrmann that may resonate with you and your struggles:
Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others,
even to the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace with your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.
Thought I’d check in! Things have been going extremely well I’m glad to say. I’ve done a huge amount of work with my therapist regarding the conflict with my brothers and how I might approach them regarding Mum and their lack of care and concern. They have an issue with Mum and I because Mum wouldn’t take my middle brother in last year when he had a bout of depression.
Mum did not reject my brother as he seems to think, he needed professional help and guidance, her main concern was myself given the amount of stress I’ve been under since Mum’s brain injury four years ago and the mountains I’ve had to climb to get Mum stable and semi independent.
The problem is my siblings have no insight and base everything around assumptions all of which are untrue (we don’t care about my brother and so forth, all lies), anyway I guess what I am trying to say is that my therapist has helped me take back my power from my older brother who can be extremely difficult, his MO is passive aggressive, he hasn’t got the emotional intelligence to actually confront that which is causing him to feel angry and frustrated. So the next time we meet I won’t feel anxious and I will be able to deal with him on my terms. It’s amazing how easy it is when you shift the balance of power back to yourself. I’m in charge and I know what’s what.
It will be interesting to see where this is all heading but from my perspective I feel buoyant and confident, occasionally that pesky doubting Thomas creeps in but he is swiftly batted away! In other news I have actually contacted an immigration lawyer in the USA, I understand that a few weeks ago I was in the ‘flight’ response but now I am able to look at everything with a clear head and my heart is with America. IF I take the plunge it won’t be for at least two years and Mum hasn’t voiced any objections, she wants me to spread my wings but at the same time if I move I will make absolutely certain that she is safe and well looked after.
I’m pressing ahead with my plans to renovate the garden, as soon as Winter is out of the way work will begin in earnest!
I hope all is well.
Thanks Anita, and I will most certainly keep you posted.
We’re all works in progress! 🙂
Thanks Anita, and thank you for taking the time to talk with me it is very much appreciated and I certainly do not take it for granted. It’s comforting to know that as well as counselling there are other forms of support available.
I had a great session with my counsellor this evening, I have taken steps to make my ‘grass’ greener, I am updating our garden from top to bottom, it feels like I’ve been weeding (psychologically) and now I am making plans to renovate the garden which will give me an enormous sense of satisfaction. I remember looking at the back garden when I hit rock bottom last week and seeing the decay then I realised that if I take care of our garden it will reflect back to me a deep sense of growth and change. It’s amazing how our minds transfer in to the outside world.
It is a burden and a part of me resents being here, I no longer feel guilty for feeling this way, it is normal and if I had my time again I probably consider other options. All is not lost though, there is still plenty of time to rebuild my life but I have to be careful and gentle with myself, it doesn’t take much to push me over the edge.
I have a German Shepherd for exercise, I walk with her at least twice a day for forty minutes. It’s incredibly calming and satisfying and I’m lucky that we are surrounded by rolling hills and woodland glades. I used to belong to a gym, I would exercise six times a week but it actually exacerbated my anxiety so I left and got myself a Dog 🙂
Sorry for the delay, I needed a break from everything. Pleased to say that I am feeling relaxed after days of anxiety.
I am not waiting for a happy and connected family, I am grieving for the loss of my family. My siblings have been a disgrace but that is a separate issue and something I am coming to terms with.
You are right, at some point I will make a life of my own, it could be America it could be the UK, anything is possible. Never thought I’d say that especially last week when I was at my wits end! 🙂
1. I have been close to Mum prior to this episode but before Christmas I was somewhat distant, it’s hard work having so much responsibility, naturally I always worry about Mum and she does understand that I need to forge my own life, so creating distance is nothing personal against my Mother and she understands completely. I think I felt guilty because I spend a lot of time working and other activities.
2. I mean by dressing wounds from the past as in treating them. I am seeing a counsellor, last weeks session we spoke about the family and how disconnected we are and my feelings of loss (I’ve already lost my Father to suicide when I was two) and quite out of the blue I recalled my older brother leaving for University when I was ten, I remember that day so vividly it’s amazing, I remember exactly where I was stood, the car he was driving and I remember him waving goodbye to Mum and I. Even today I am astonished that I can remember that particular day so well. It seems to suggest that I am beginning to deal with loss. Hope that makes sense.
Thank you Anita, there’s no rush, I appreciate you taking the time to talk this out with me.
Thanks Anita. I agree with you I’ve been stuck in the flight response for days since Christmas. I have taken positive steps to reduce my level of anxiety and they have worked especially this evening. I’ve read numerous articles that deal with anxiety, living in the present has really struck a chord with me and I exercise regularly, having a German Shepherd means I have little choice thankfully!
Just to add I jotted down all of my skills and abilities (including qualifications) and I realise that my concerns are unfounded, they are not reality. With regards to Mum she in good health and completely lucid she tells me to stop worrying, bless her! I’ve gone back to being a child (temporarily), nothing wrong with that, perhaps there are wounds that need to be dressed. Drinking plenty of water has also helped.
Thank you for taking the time to talk to me.
I can’t really fathom exactly what happened other than it made me incredibly sad that as a family we are disconnected, then I started questioning my skills and abilities and criticising myself for not knowing enough in my line of work, this fed the thought that I would never be accepted in to the US and from there everything just fell apart in my mind, then I had imaginings of Mum not being around which made me incredibly anxious so I spent even more time with Mum and actually held her hand as she gave me words of wisdom.
I think the crux is that I am frightened of everything, I live in the UK and the News is dominated by crime, again it just adds to my feelings of worry and desperation that’s when I thought of moving to the US and began watching videos of ex-pats. It’s not serving me well at the moment, life here is actually pretty good we live in a quiet village and I have plenty of friends. I think I am literally trying to run away from my thoughts and feelings because prior to that I had never even considered moving abroad although my Uncle is a permanent resident and has invited me to stay with him for a few weeks.