1) This lovely post
2) Parents, siblings
3) Boyfriend
4) Few close friends
5) A beautiful home
6) My bookshelf
7) Oppurtunities
8) Simple things in life

Dear bluesoul,

Irregular menses usually occur because –

1) Poor lifestyle habits – nutrition issues, lack of good sleep, hardly any exercise.

2) Weight issues – underweight, overweight or obese

3) psychological problems leading to high stress levels – such as depression, anxiety

All these can mess up your cycle.

It is best you visit a gynaecologist though for a proper checkup in case there is some other reason.

Find better ways to deal with your stress levels if the problem is psychological. Go talk to someone you are close to, keep busy with good hobbies, manage your thoughts better.

Regards
Nina

Dear Magnolialuloo,

Not trying to make you feel bad or guilty in some way but asking you to explain the situation a bit better.

What exactly was wrong with him messaging a girl happy new year at midnight? Was the content of photos and videos shared personal?

Do you reckon it’s possible that after she told him she likes him, he may have spoken to her in person and made it clear he doesn’t want a relationship with her? If indeed he wanted a relation with her, wouldn’t the content of his messages swing to inappropriate?

It is possible that we may be friends with someone who likes us and choose not to act on the interest because we want to stay faithful to our partner. Which is what i suspect he did at that point – felt conflicted about being attracted to another person and then resolved not to act on it because he is with you.

Yes he may have liked her but perhaps he spoke more in anger to you about this. That you didn’t trust him enough to not see his personal messages. This is a sore point for many people – how would you feel if your significant other doesnt trust you?

Where he went wrong is not telling you that this girl has expressed interest. That was lack of transparency on his part but I don’t think it’s being a cheater. He hasn’t communicated properly and seems to have acted coldly based on some kind of past issues/triggers. Perhaps indeed something else was going on which he didn’t tell you properly. I don’t mean the office girl, I mean the past also.

Now he appears to be dating her. Clearly as he have split up, he has acted on his interest. Or this girl cleverly nabbed him at his weakest.
Whatever the case, things haven’t gone the right way.

In this situation, I feel both of us have made your set of mistakes in handling the situation. Communication and trust seemed to be lacking. I apologise if I have come across as insensitive in any way.

Regards
Nina

Dear Poppy

I understand your need to talk to her regarding these issues but I would suggest you do this at a time when your own side is completely sorted, meaning you don’t have to depend on her for a home or other things. Hypothetically you went and talked to her regarding the fight, what will be the outcome anyway? You will feel good that you asserted yourself but her reaction will be predictible. Rather focus on your priorities and areas of control for now. Build yourself. Then your words will have far greater weightage on her and she will see you less as a lost kid trying to lecture her.

She won’t change unless she wants to. You want hee to be supportive in your way and be nicer to your dad. The reality still remains that your suggestions have fallen on deaf years and have rather irritated her further irrespective of who is right or wrong.

You need to accept certain things here –

She won’t say kind words to you but she will help you in her own way when you have your set of problems. You want to help her too but she isn’t ready for your help and you feel worse as a result – unheard, invalidated.

The thing is – her problems are more about her.

I know it’s hard to see your mom cry.

I can’t bear to see mine cry either but sometimes I have to accept that her version of things are not similiar to mine. I have to let some things go – including times when she has arguments with dad for example. It’s their personal matter and I don’t interfere unless situation is extremely bad. I do feel bad but it’s better I maintain a distance from her problems and rather focus on mine instead. I will only intervene if it’s really required and bear her out calmly without any judgement. Letting her speak freely when she is angry has in fact been more helpful to her than me trying to offer her advice. If crying helps your mom, let her cry. Offer her a tissue, a cookie and get some tea.

You can’t fundamentally change who she is. Her rejection of your advice doesn’t mean she doesn’t need you in hee life or doesn’t consider you valuable. Its just that she still sees you as the little girl she has to fuss over, who needs her. This is the basic dynamic for her. When you start sounding like counsellor, she gets annoyed
Same with your elder sister.

The best thing to do now would be to keep your matters to yourself and only consult when required. Find people who are more willing to hear you out. We can’t have same intensity of understanding of expectations from every relationship. Over time when you are at a more stable juncture in your life, she will be more receptive perhaps.

You also need to find relationships where your needs and space are valued. Distance yourself from those where you feel like the person has seriously bad intentions towards you. This is the next big challenge alongside independance.

Please do check out the link if possible

Regards
Nina

Dear Poppy,

For now, it is best you focus on establishing yourself and growing emotionally strong. This means working towards establishing boundaries, growing career wise which is something you have mentioned in other posts too. Since it is not possible for you to have a physical distance from your mom till april, it would be helpful if you has awareness about your own emotions when she launches into her jibes about you.

The emotions that you feel then are important to observe. When she makes a comment about you, how do you feel in particular? If you could give words to the emotions, what would they be?

Has she ever praised you and why do you feel like she doesn’t see you at par with the other siblings?

Regards
Nina

Dear neetz

It’s good that you have more clarity about what you need to talk to him about – which is about the future of the relationship. All the best to you. Hope the talks goes well and some progress is made. Do write more about what happened.

Regards
Nina

Dear neetz,

I don’t doubt his feelings for you. It doesn’t seem that way at all. However there needs to be a clear understanding of eachother’s cultural differences.

He comes from a very close knit family culture while yours is a more independent one. Your demand for time with him aren’t unreasonable at all. Of course two people in a relationship need time together. However you need to accept the reality that he is considered the man of his house – a patron figure of sorts and hence, his presence is required at his family gatherings, especially related to his sister’s.

You may be wondering why his mother sent him to work so early. Here is the thing though – he has assumed the primary role in their eyes, especially since his father hasn’t taken a more active role in several years. His mother though is the one who holds the invisible reins nonetheless.

This is the power dynamic of the household. A rather normal one in case your boyfriend happens to be from an Asian background.

The bigger question is regarding your future.

You need to consider these questions and your own assumptions vs ground reality –

1) Concerns before marriage – giving time in the relationship, cancelling plans too much – try to delineate from your insecurity and reach a compromise here. You want to trust his feelings and he also needs to give you time, be present when he promised unless there is some extraordinary situation.

2) Considerations of a future together – I am assuming this means marriage. There are a few points that come to mind here :-

I) Are you assuming that you will live independently with him away from his family? If this isn’t the case, would the alternative of being at his household with his mother be a problem for you? Are you aware of the requirements of a more patriarchal household?

II) The religion difference – even if his mother has accepted his irreligious nature, societally they are in an Islamic circle and usually it is expected that the girl will be Muslim too. This is more important if any of his sisters are unmarried. Does this assumption hold or is the situation different from what I have described?

Have you discussed what his mother’s take would be if he possibly wants to marry a non-muslim girl? What about children and the religion they will be raised? I realize that more Western readers here will find my points a bit strange but these are actual concerns in such kinds of marriages and the framework needs to be clear from the start to understand differences in thinking, areas of compromise.

III) Your relationship with his family – do they know about you? Has he introduced you or mentioned you at all after 3 years?

I hope I haven’t freaked you out too much neetz. Hope to hear from you soon.

Regards
Nina