Absolutely. Please write back as often as need be. Remember, it is you who have turned a new page on life. Be strong. Be cautious of evils. And be proud of who you are changing into.

Everything is ahead.

Peace and a warm e-hug.

Ninja

Dear SadLily –

First, I am sincerely sorry that you are going through such a difficult, confusing and anxious time.

I completely agree with everything Anita has just said and suggested.

Think of your situation like being in a burning house. Fire is everywhere. And while you may have helped start it, you don’t need to remain there. In fact, you should get out – now. Still, our human weaknesses tend to rationalize destructive situations (“maybe if I just wait this out” or “I’ll leave when the flames die down a bit” or “perhaps someone will come along and help me out” or “I’m starting to like the flames” etc.). No. Your house is burning, Lily. Get out – now.

I find it fascinating and wonderful that you are pursuing a career as a counselor. While we live in a world full of fake, selfish people. The few that I call my friends are authentic, loving and giving; those who have endured much already – and learned from it. From drug use to sexual abuse to violent pasts to horribly dysfunctional upbringings, yes, they have scars. I do, too. But, if we have survived and grown from our negative experiences, we have been blessed (yes, blessed) with the ability to be both compassionate and empathetic. You now have these blessings in front of you – embrace them!

You also have a chance here – to turn a very difficult challenge into a wonderful opportunity. Don’t let shame nor regret control your future. Find immediate help for your depression and then begin to write the new, fresh chapter of your life. As Anita suggested, put every negative aspect and relationship into the past – now. Gather it all together, tie a rope around it and drop it into the ocean – forever.

I am by no means attempting to make something so complicated and lengthy seem simple. No, this change will be hard for you. You may need the help of a trusted counselor or mentor whom you can lean on and confide in for genuine support. You may feel the heat as you run out of the burning house. But once you are out, you can find safety and be able to breathe fresh, clean air. Find genuine people who care about you as a person – some churches with social groups are great places to meet benevolent, caring people. They will help you with your healing spirit.

And lastly, forgive yourself. This is not your fault.

Please write back and let us know how you’re doing. Wishing you peace today.

Ninja

Anny –

I’m sorry, but as a man I’m going to talk pretty frankly here – in my best intentions to help.

This guy is has proven himself to be one thing: a sperm donor. From what you’ve shared in your other thread, you are (at least) the third woman he has gotten pregnant. It sounds like you two we not planning on the pregnancy and, again from your previous thread, he did little to change his lifestyle – even seeing other women.

I am a father of two girls. And being a father means much, much more. It means being there when they are sick and crying. Enduring sleepless nights with teething. Taking them to doctor’s appointments. Changing hundreds of diapers. Watching them take their first steps, first solid foods, first day at school … first everything. You get the idea. But add to this: and father must love their mother without condition.

Sadly, the sooner this guy is gone the better. You may be blessed that he is leaving early in your little girl’s life. Another, much better man can become a father – if he proves worthy. It is not about the DNA, but the willingness to make the 24/7 investment. And, now that my girls are in their late teen, please believe me it is so worth it! This guy knows no better and is a fool. Let him go.

Wishing you peace, joy and support.

Ninja

Anny2016 –

Again, I am so sorry that you are going through this difficult, complex and confusing time.

I agree with what Anita just asked and suggested.

I wish you could read your last post with complete objectivity. Here are a few of the several lines that jumped out at me, and perhaps you should read again yourself:

“My only biggest concerns are him being able to walk out on his family so easily, and on me in the past (which he has done a couple times)”

“good guys don’t cut other people down”

“He always thought I was being insecure and jealous when he had female friends”

“His life didn’t change much when we had our daughter, he still did everything he desired and chose helping his female friends in the gym at nights versus spending time with the baby as I thought he should but he took that as jealousy”

“I would find out he was meeting female coworkers to work out at the gym together but not telling me and I felt slighted.”

I am going to offer some tough love here. I believe you need to hear it – if anything, for your daughter’s sake, as well as your own.

It is painfully obvious to me that this guy’s focus is entirely on himself and seeking his own pleasure. He doesn’t care about you. He may “act” all loving and caring – when it suits his best interests. True, he may have some nice and attractive qualities. But from what you’ve shared, he has never put your interest before his own. He has lied to you, cheated on you, put you down, been emotionally abusive to you, placed other events before prioritizing time with you and your daughter, and now he is making you feel that the problem is with you.

You are not the problem. He is the problem.

Many of us, including myself, have been in similar situations. (And I am a guy here.) We fear being alone and seek the company of someone else. When that other person is toxic, we rationalize their negatives away. But, like a sharp rock in your shoe, you cannot simply “wish” that something would go away. You must take action in order to improve things.

I also want to say that this period of your life – when you are a young parent – is a very delicate “proving” time of sorts. Having a child means giving things up – in exchange for wonderful new memories. It’s about stepping up to responsibilities. This guy still wants to have everything stay the same – and not give anything up. He is not a prize by any means.

He doesn’t deserve you or your daughter. You and your little girl truly deserve better.

Again, seek out the love and support of your family and friends. If possible, seek out the help of a therapist. You say that this guy offered you things that no one else ever did. Please believe me: there are other, better men out there. And I sincerely hope you meet a better man so that, by contrast, you can see how poorly this guy has been to you.

Wishing you peace today.

Ninja

Dear tinybuddha –

Let me say that I am sincerely sorry that you are going through this terrible situation.

I completely agree with everything Inky and anita just said.

Obviously, and without minimizing anything here, you’ve had an extraordinarily difficult upbringing. Unfortunately, most of us can only sympathize – as few have had such intensely damaging experiences.

As Inky suggested, get therapy. Now. It won’t erase your scars, but it may heal your wounds. While we are all products of our upbringings and experiences, we are also responsible for our actions. And your recent actions have only reversed any healing that may have taken place – and re-opened those wounds.

As for your quasi-boyfriend, you have wounded him and may have ended what you two had – at least for a time. Trust, integrity and openness are critical to the health of every relationship. Your actions have violated all three. I’m sorry if this hurts, but you probably already know this.

The good and healthy part is that you seem to know and are acknowledging your responsibility. Along with therapy, I would suggest leaving him go – at least for now. I’m not sure if he would eventually pursue you (as Inky suggested), but he may. Still, you must re-focus your attention away from him – and to yourself. You need to heal yourself right now.

Believe me, you can do this. It takes one step at a time, one day at a time. But the more positive actions you take the better you will become. I’m sure a trained professional (therapist) can add much more, but I do believe that people can change. You can change.

Peace to you today.

Ninja

Greenshade –

I’m sincerely sorry that you are going through this difficult time.

Although your post was short, you obviously have a lot going on here. Low self-esteem, self-sabotage, feeling of worthlessness, … they can develop from a variety of areas. Sometimes we intentionally create such negative energy and beliefs (although obviously very unhealthy) – only to then covet and protect what we’ve created. Ultimately, the toxicity of our negative thoughts fills us with regret – and “negative downward spiral” only continues. A very vicious circle.

I am glad that you are seeing a therapist and that they are helping you feel empowered. Can you share any more of what your therapist is saying that is helping you feel more empowered? If you don’t feel comfortable sharing, that is perfectly understandable. Still, I believe that in order to offer any helpful insight on this thread we would need a little more input, history, etc.

Peace to you today.

Ninja

Dear Blossom08 –

I am so glad that you have removed yourself and your children from this toxic individual. Anita was correct. And regardless of what his upbringing was like or what demons he may be facing, instead of building you up positively all he seemed to do was try to bring you down to his level. I have seen this too many times in others. It is wonderful that your eyes are open and you are strong enough to sever ties. Be strong. You are not responsible for him (and never were). Value yourself and your role as a mother.

If another man enters your life, I sincerely hope he is wonderful and cherishes you for all that you are!

Peace to you today.

Ninja

Dear Michael –

I’m sincerely sorry that you are going through this.

Managing our emotions is one of the toughest challenges we face. After all, we’re human. Fallible. It’s as if our lives are one long “one-act play” where there are no rehearsals and no do-overs. We say the wrong things and then feel regret.

But there are other things that you should get closer with: grace, forgiveness and understanding.

Meaning, don’t simply walk away from this “situation” with regret. Learn from it. And forgive yourself.

Loving someone – truly loving another person – means that they are more important to you than you are to yourself. Of course, you must still care and value yourself as a whole person. But treating her as an “option” hardly moves the needle on the love scale. And you probably know this.

Lastly, a girlfriend of two years – that’s a long time. And leaving for another guy – that’s rough. Really rough. Allow yourself enough time to heal. And you do need healing.

I hope this helps.

Wishing you peace today.

Ninja