Dear Anita,

Thank you for your thoughtful reply, and for your sweet wishes!!

Yes, you are right. My anxious mind is always fearing the future, the what ifs, trying to prepare for all negative situations to ensure I am equipped when anything bad happens.

Realistically, I know this cannot be avoided and I can never be fully ready for situations that may or may never happen. Listening to podcasts has really helped me try to shift this frame of mind, but it is not always easy so I do find myself sometimes going back into this anxious cycle.

My husband (that still feels strange to say lol!) is supportive and understanding when I do get anxious, however, I do not think it is fair for me to just put the burden of my anxiety on him, so I want to ensure I learn better how to independently cope.

I would like to share more about these relationships, although it can be hard because it makes me relive a lot of things that I have tried to burry deep in my memory. I think being comfortable with this will take me some time, but slowly, I hope, I can share more.

However, one main reason I cannot share much is because I have actually shared this form with a few people that know me. They find the form very helpful, and occasionally go on it. Not as often as me, I am sure, but sometimes. They also know about this current thread of mine and I do not want to overshare some things with them.

Do you think there can be a way around this…? If I make a new account though how would you know it is me if my username is different?

Otherwise, I can try to still get my point across to you about these relationships while keeping some things vague.

Thank you as always,

Noor

Dear Anita,

I really hope to hear back from you!

I read in one of the forms that you are no longer here but thought I would still try reaching out to see if you reply.

How have you been?? I hope things are well on your end. I occasionally think of our conversations on here and how much of an impact you made in my life.

I am officially married now. It is still feels unreal knowing that I am now a wife when just yesterday I was so anxious about dating, meeting someone etc. Married life has only been for about a month now and everything has been going great so far. Our wedding was a lot of fun, filled with so much love and happiness. We are still feeling the wedding blues of missing our special day since it was just everything we wanted–but it is now exciting to plan for our future. We are growing in our careers and constantly trying to plan our next vacation!

I still get anxious about things here and there, for example, lately just anxiety about how married life will be. I am confident in my partner, and in myself, but the anxiety side of me can often take over in a way that can make me feel a bit down. So I am finding ways to still navigate this. I think a great part of it stems from not seeing the best relationships growing up and unconsciously fearing that what I have does not ever get jeopardized. However, when these thoughts arise I try to remind myself to be more present. Go on a nature walk, listen to a podcast and just be happy in the moment.

Just sharing some thoughts out loud with you 🙂

Sending you lots of good wishes and love! Fingers crossed that you will see this.

Noor

Dear Anita,

How are you?!

It has been another year since our last communication but I still read this forum and specially our thread from time to time. It is always great seeing your responses to others!

I find when I do have time for myself I really enjoy reading through the different perspectives on this forum, they always have good takeaways.

But how has everything been with you? I hope life post pandemic (well somewhat post pandemic) has been treating you well, sending you good wishes!

I wanted to share some news with you: I am engaged! The person I met through online dating, thanks to your help, is now my fiancé. I am so happy and so grateful. The proposal was a dream come true in Paris, and we are now planning our wedding for next year. I have mixed emotions but mostly a feeling of bliss. As the months get closer we have a lot of planning to do, especially our families are very excited and with our cultural backgrounds the events will be huge. I am also nervous for this as more pressure is building before the wedding but I’m still enjoying the process.

I think lately my biggest challenge in life is professional growth. I have thought of pursuing a PhD for awhile now but something always makes me hesitant—I am also hoping to switch to a higher professional role that focuses more on my passion—so this is where I am currently at. But for now I am focusing on the wedding and my current job to keep me sane as a lot of planning is headed my way.

It’s unbelievable for me to realize how much has changed since the first time I wrote on this forum.

Hope to hear from you again, Anita.

Take care,

Noor

To any other readers seeing this, please know that the heartbreak I did suffer from made me think I would never be in the place I am now. But I am so much happier and wiser. I am thankful for the heartbreak and I promise you will be too.

Dear Anita,

How are you? It has certainly been a while since I last wrote. I still check Tiny Buddha occasionally and see your wonderful efforts in replying to so many people. It is uplifting, especially during what is now one year of this pandemic. And I hope things on your side of the world are slowly getting better.

My life has been nothing but a whirlwind to say the least but in the best way possible. So much has changed for me since I last wrote. I got my first job after I graduated amidst a pandemic, for which I am truly thankful. I moved out of my family home and closer to the city. And I am in a loving and healthy relationship with a person that has the kindest heart. I cannot believe how much time has changed. If you asked me last year at this time what my life would be like then I would never have predicted I would feel the happiness I feel today. Even though lockdown restrictions are still in place, I have never felt more liberated.

I truly want to thank you because you have been a support for me during all of this. I was really at my lowest point when I found comfort in this forum. And most importantly, comfort in your advice. I am so happy I decided to try online dating because I never imagined to meet such a wonderful person. Of course, it did take time as I went through the process of meeting new people and like you had mentioned, taking time to also discover myself through the whole experience. And it was all worth it. I have been in this relationship for a couple of months now, and it has been a beautiful journey by far. I am so excited to see what this new phase of life has in store for me.

Wishing you and your loved ones good health!

Looking forward to your reply.

Love,

Noor

Dear Anita,

How are you? I am always wishing you well!

Prior to starting online dating and seeing some of my friends do it, I do have some questions and I was hoping I could get some input from you:

When starting online dating are there any general rules…that would be good to keep in mind. For example, should you exchange numbers or start texting and calling on your cell number before you meet? I know some people keep calling and texting for a good few weeks before meeting in person, is that a good idea? I am living where we can meet people being socially distanced or with a mask since lockdown restrictions have eased.

Also, what is considered taking it slow when you meet someone from the app? Since both of you are looking for a relationship based on the profiles, but what would be a good amount of time before giving that title of being in a relationship? I have a friend that met someone online and after two weeks and four dates and texting non-stop,  they are now officially a couple which I find is VERY soon but I know it is different for everyone. Should you also plan dates with the person twice in one week or give it at least a week’s gap to ensure you are taking things slowly.

I  may be overthinking this but because it would be my first time I would love to get some perspective on these things.

Love,

Noor

Dear Anita,

One of the greatest learning curves from my ex was to not be involved in a relationship with someone who’s immediate family lives in India. I feel coming from a similar culture, I have realized the severe family dynamics, and social issues of arranged marriage that exist give me severe anxiety as I know it will be a bubble of uncertainties. My preference would really be to talk to people who’s family is living in North America. I am a very family-oriented person and I want the opportunity to get to know their family because with my ex I believed too much of his words since I had no way of getting to know his family living miles away. Would it be healthy to carry this thinking when dating? For example, if I am speaking to someone who has family residing in India then perhaps it may not be the wisest to continue the conversation.  I also don’t want to miss out on someone great because of that but I feel it might be the best thing to do before I get too invested and then I am not able to.

I ask because recently my friend told me about someone she thinks I might get along with (she does not know as much about my experience with my ex and the reasons for the relationship to end), I agreed to speak to the person she suggested. After a few conversations over text, I learned his whole family resides in India, and only he has been living in the same city as me for five years. I just didn’t want to continue the conversation further and politely ended the conversation. I know I could have taken the time to get to know him better before jumping to conclusions but I find it only becomes harder then because your selective memory kicks in and you want to focus only on the positive “what ifs” rather than that harsh reality check.

Do you feel that was okay for me to do?

Dear Anita,

How wonderfully put! I love reading your metaphors because they do such a nice job in describing exactly what I need to hear. You’re absolutely right there is no need to rush and that was the biggest learning lesson from my first relationship so it would be a mistake if I did not implement that! I think I will have the hardest time with it but I will make sure to give myself constant reminders and daily reflection checks when I do start to date again to ensure that does not happen. The greatest challenge now will be how I start dating! Since with COVID-19 all my hobbies have become virtual, my school is done, and my work is remote, and none of my friends know anyone that they can recommend either as they are also single and trying to date. Online dating has been working for many of my friends so I am curious to learn more about how that works but with an open mind to make sure I am not rushing anything.

Dear Rose of Yellow,

I love your username! Thank you for your kind words, they mean so much. Wow, I did not even think about codependency from that aspect but it makes so much sense. A healthy relationship should consist of both individuals respecting and valuing each other but also making sure the other is fully functioning, as you mentioned. I guess these are all lessons that I will now keep in mind as I move forward in life and not just relationship wise but in general. I wish you a wonderful week ahead!

With love,

Noor