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Noor

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Viewing 15 posts - 31 through 45 (of 54 total)
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  • in reply to: I feel as if I dont deserve to be happy #360720
    Noor
    Participant

    Hi Stephanie,

    I will be away from my computer for a bit but I do want to respond to you. I first just want to start by saying that you are not unworthy of love, friendships, and happiness. No, you deserve all the good things out there. Again, I will further elaborate when I return. In the meantime, I wish you kindness and comforting thoughts to mitigate your anxiety.

    in reply to: First breakup, anxiety and loss #360714
    Noor
    Participant

    Hi Lisa,

    Thank you for offering to be there for me…I really appreciate it. It is unfortunate that we are both dealing with similar situations but it is certainly a relief knowing that I am not alone. I agree with the points Anita has mentioned, you were indeed very admirable in this relationship and took actions on your part to ensure it could work in every way possible. I do not think Dave did, in fact, I truly believe he knew well before dating you, considering he also had a “five-year relationship” before you what his parent’s expectations were which I think should have clearly been communicated to you at the very start of your relationship. Again, I agree with Anita, there is indeed hypocrisy in your story.

    I also thought I would marry this person, I told my friends and family all about the life I imagined for us. As time passes though I again reflect back and think, would I want to marry a person with a family that is judging me about things that are not in my control, would I want a man that cannot be honest and sincere with me, do I want a man that cannot simply stand or keep up with the promise he gave me, because all of those things are what love is made of us? So in my opinion, although my boyfriend did tell me he loved me too, it was not the kind of love that I would want in my future marriage or long-term relationship. Even though Dave claims he loved you which I do not want to say he did or did not, I do think two-weeks is too little of time to truly love someone, and even if he did, he simply did not prioritize that love which is something you certainly deserve.

    Lisa, I grew up seeing horrible relationships around me especially the marriage of the closest people to me. I have seen countless divorces, betrayals, and subconsciously I started believing this was the outcome of all relations. But, when we think about it on an individual level, it is merely two incompatible people trying to save a marriage which makes it a disaster followed by other environmental factors. Just think had you married Dave there would have been a mountain of problems coming your way, resulting in a potential break-up.

    This is a lot to absorb and I don’t want to keep rambling, so for now, it is healthy to take the time and just feel the sadness and when you are ready to talk about it more, I would love to share. One thing I suggest that has helped me is writing a list of all the things that were wrong in this relationship and your expectation of a loving and caring relationship, including for me at least, a loving family-in-law life. I read that when I have the temptation to contact him because at that time I am only focused on the good memories, and re-reading my original forum post because Anita generously helped paint a more clear picture for me, also makes me feel better.

     

    in reply to: First breakup, anxiety and loss #360578
    Noor
    Participant

    Also, one thing I wanted to mention is that you stated that “before [you met him, you were] so insecure with [yourself] and hated [yourself].

    Lisa, I use to feel similar thoughts, and I thought being in a relationship would fix all of that. I am slowly learning that was probably not the best approach because I ended up attracting a person that was not the right fit for me (although he was kind and respectful, there were still many early red flags I could not recognize because of my thought process).

    Instead of solely relying on another person to make you feel happy about yourself, I think it is important to take time to find ways that you can appreciate, and value yourself on your own. I hope you are more kind to yourself.  Being comfortable in doing things for yourself and taking up new hobbies, meeting new people, and taking those steps to feel happy. I truly feel when we learn to be happy on our own then we can come to a place of serenity that no one can have the power to take away from us.

    I know all of this is much easier said than done since I am still learning myself but I do believe if we keep practicing such things every day then we can learn to love, instead of hating ourselves.

    in reply to: First breakup, anxiety and loss #360577
    Noor
    Participant

    Dear Lisa,

    I can completely relate to your story and your emotions. I am experiencing my first break up, in my early twenties, after a year-long relationship with a guy who is also Indian, an only child and the reason we supposedly cannot be together now is that his family believes in arranged marriages. I have posted my full story on a separate form titled “claim he is not choosing his parents, rather he is losing me” if you are interested in reading my entire story.

    In my relationship what really hurt me the most was the dishonesty on his part for not telling me from the very beginning the expectations of his family. We both belong to the same culture and religion, so he would constantly reassure me it would never be a problem but was always afraid to tell his parents about me (again, my full story is already posted and it hurts to retype it), anyways fast forward, after he told his parents they had very extreme reactions and well eventually said they would not be accepting and primarily because they did not “choose” me. They didn’t even bother talking to me because his mother was just too stubborn in her own ways according to him. We have been going back and forth but the relationship has recently ended for good.

    I have been a mess as well, constantly going through emotions where I am fine, then sad, then angry, and then just feeling numb from all the hurting. It has been almost a week but the pain is still very sharp. I have surrounded myself with a strong support system of my family and friends which has been really helpful but of course, it is still taking time to heal. I am focusing on other things in my life that I use to enjoy doing, but the pain really stems from this first heartbreak which I truly believed to be “the one” for me. As time passes, I am realizing that our relationship was bound to end and maybe the sooner it happened the better. Such cultures and traditions are deeply rooted in many South Asian families (I speak from experience), and you can never truly free yourself from it, and it is the worst when you do marry into it. You are expected to compromise your life and revolve everything around theirs, although it does depend on the person, it is still the case for many individuals.

    I cannot give an exact estimate as to how long the pain will last since I am currently going through it, but I do find that it is slowly, slowly getting better. I started becoming obsessed with how I could have saved the relationship or why this all was happening but once you start to accept and focus on the healing process then it does get better. To be honest I am still learning and trying to relieve the pain so when I fully do then I would be happy to share more of my thoughts on the matter with you. For now, all I can suggest is to really focus on distracting yourself, meditating (I just started but I have read that it can do wonders for a person), and journaling. Do what you need to feel comfortable and my advice is to try not to call and text. I did call him a few times after the breakup and the same with him but the thing is no matter what the outcome will not change and talking just delays the healing process. However, when I did make the call it did feel better to get it out of my system so I am not sure if it was still the right thing to do but at the time I needed to and after I felt better, but for the future, I am going to try and avoid it. Just don’t be too harsh on yourself, it’s okay to go through these phases, I am learning it is all part of the process to feeling better.

     

    Noor
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you for being so responsive…I really appreciate it. I need to just take some time and heal from this, I went through a really bad wave today of anger, sadness, and just the feeling of betrayal. I called him because I really could not resist the feeling but a part of me is a little happy because hearing the stuff he said on the phone…..the way he accepted the end of this relationship and made it very clear that “he does not care if he does not have a very loving married life…as long as his parents do not disconnect with him then he will be fine”... made it more clear in my head that he really is just all about himself and it does not matter who his potential life partner will be since he is very much okay with living the life his parents expect him to. I guess I do respect that, I respect his parents choice and their expectations from their only son, I just wish he had been honest since the very beginning.

    Since this was my first love I thought this was it and it just had to work…..but my friends and family reassure me that first break-ups are always the worst but it does get better and slowly I will be able to accept that he was not the person I believed him to be or a person I want to marry. I remember he once told me adoption for him was out of the question and for me it is my dream to adopt kids…I can’t believe at the time I was even ready to compromise on that……this further shows me that we really were not meant for a future together. It’s like my mind knows and can rationalize the situation but my heart is the tough battle that I keep having to fight.

    Noor
    Participant

    Anita, one thought I keep having is was I lacking something….could I have been better in any way for him to maybe fight….even just a little harder. I never had a relationship before and I truly believed he was “the one”….jokes on me. I am so scared to ever data again…..I don’t want to go through such feelings...I hate this feeling.

    Noor
    Participant

    Dwar Anita,

    You are right. As time passes, although I know I did the healthy thing by ending things on my part and trying to move on I still go through waves of intense emotions where I feel sad, angry, and most of all betrayed. I still can’t believe some people can be this way but I am still trying to focus on the learning point of this relationship. Anita, I feel it was still so easy for him to just forget or though that is what it seems like. I still can’t properly sleep knowing all the moments we shared and still mad at myself for choosing such a person. Anita, I can’t tell you the extreme measures I took for him, and to end up with literally nothing in return hurts. I am still trying to wrap my head around why I ever was with him in the first place and why I “chased” him. The more I think about my childhood and the relationships I have grown up seeing around me…the more I realize the things that had fogged my judgment…I just need to work on those.

    This forum really helps. I have read so many threads and it gives me hope to see people that have gone through similar and even worse things but have overcome them. I just wish I stay strong to continue and fight the urge to contact him. My friends are now dating which is amazing, I am there listening ear but the more I hear about their dating life the more the memories of my ex engulf me and the harder it feels. Trying to take it one day at a time.

    Thank you, Anita.

    in reply to: Losing my boyfriend to an arranged marriage. #360459
    Noor
    Participant

    Hi Sunshine,

    You may have just posted your last response as a way to vent so please do not feel as if you have to reply or even read my post. However, in case you do, my only sincere advice to you is to walk away while you can before it continues further and you are even more devastated. As per your response, it is clear that because of his family/cultural traditions there is no long term or marriage in this relationship and if that is something you hope for in your own future, then it might be better to move on and start your healing process. I know it is extremely hard especially because your life is so used to him but sometimes making the harder choice is better for a mentally happier future you.

    If this form of love sucks then it is not the love you deserve.

    Warm wishes,

    Noor

    in reply to: What I am to him? #360446
    Noor
    Participant

    Hi Anna,

    Something I have learned that sometimes it is better to ask a person rather than trying to find the answer yourself. Based on his actions it seems he could consider you a best friend or a therapist or maybe even someone he is potentially interested in as a relationship partner…..but who knows. I would recommend just honestly asking because that way you won’t invest so much time trying to read into every action of his. There is also the chance that he may lie to you but I do not know enough about this person to make that conclusion, so the first step from my perspective is to ask, and based on his answer you can see how you feel.

    Also, you also don’t have to be blunt with your question, for example perhaps not directly asking that do you consider me as a best friend or a therapist, rather something along the lines of I was wondering if you feel so comfortable sharing all this with me because you consider me a close friend or? Again, just my advice 🙂

     

     

    Noor
    Participant

    Dear Emma,

    Although I cannot relate to exactly how you feel, I can certainly understand some of your perspectives as I feel similarly when cruel and violent things happen towards children. My whole life I have wanted to grow up and make a difference to help make the world a better place for children because I have seen some very unfortunate situations and my heart used to hurt because as much as I want to help all of them it is hard to. However, as time passed, I realized although I cannot change the things for all of them I can use my empathy as fuel to start from where I can. I volunteer at children’s hospitals, camps that help children affected by cancer, call centers that are for children dealing with mental health issues, and pursuing my education for a degree that can help me get a job to help children. It is extremely hard as Anita mentioned to make a huge difference in the world unless you are in the position of great political and financial power, but sometimes even small things that can help save even one child or in your case even one animal can and does make a tremendous difference.

    When I get deeply saddened by the cruelty in the world that happens to children instead of turning off my empathy I try to focus on all the good people and the good things out there that do want to help them. There are people like you that also want to help animals so although there are numerous cruel things that happen to animals because of people, there are also wonderful things that help save animals because of people, people like you. Try to remind yourself that and use it to continue doing what you can to help animals. I know our empathy for such things can sometimes feel like a burden but if you practice using it as the motivation you can do even greater things for the good of helping animals.

    I wish you well Emma 🙂

    in reply to: Overthinking has replaced my present #360391
    Noor
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you for sharing! I am going to focus on the meditation part as I have always wanted to try meditation but was just anxious and impatient to give it a start. I will try to start tomorrow and then take it from there. I do want to share some of the childhood and domestic issues but I think I will just take a little time before I can really open up about those things. I hope meditation will help me untangle some of those issues since my mind will be more clear.

    Noor
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you once again for taking the time to write. I really am done with this relationship and no longer care even if he wants to beg his parents which he never even will as overtime I realize these are just excuses, he is not worth it. I did tell him during our last phone call that it is over on my end so it does not matter to me if he does or does not convince his parents, I have ended things with him from my side and I told him. I can’t be in a relationship that has mentally drained me this much prior to his parents even knowing. I have accepted that this was not the guy for me and I am in the process of healing.

    Hi Brandy,

    Thank you for replying! You are right, this is a valuable learning experience and I just have to try to see the positive in what happened. It can certainly be hard but definitely not impossible.

    Noor
    Participant

    Anita, it is the worst in the morning. I wake up feeling how could I have been so naive and blinded by such a person, I feel just plain stupid. It hurts because I am scared of moving on and falling blind again to such people. I definitely have learned some lessons from this but I still cannot comprehend how I never saw any of it coming, how I never recognized the red flags, why I kept going……

    I wish there was a way to skip the mornings to midday where I am more motivated to focus on other things in my life. My days started with his msgs and calls….that is why the mornings are the toughest.

    Noor
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I appreciate your re-writing because I find that it greatly helps enhance my understanding of the situation. I really did doubt my abilities, my qualities, and therefore, my self-worth in this relationship. I feel these things stem from some deeply rooted issues that I must learn to first deal with before moving on.

    He called me yesterday, crying and saying he will try a little harder but does not know because again, he cannot stand how his parents are not talking to him clearly and are angry. He then called me this morning saying he just does not think they will change their minds…..but he can try but he does not know…..I again kept asking him that he is being unclear with me and I am now feeling very confused. He said he just does not know. I said I can’t keep going on with so much uncertainty….it is just not fair. I believe we ended things for the good and it hurts but I recognize slowly he was just not the person I truly believed him to be from the start. I have really learned now that it is always important to trust actions rather than just words. 

    Noor
    Participant

    Also he never told his parents I was “bad news” rather just told me that I would be “bad news” to them since they never have known he even dates and has a girlfriend

Viewing 15 posts - 31 through 45 (of 54 total)