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We all learn from experiences they are important in helping us grow as individuals. I personally agree with Anita that he also came on very strong and it is only natural to feel so flattered when a guy does say such amazing things to you right from the start. I feel the outcome of the situation is for the best for you because you now do not have to be in this “what if” boat with him and instead focus on talking to other people while learning from this situation.
I am sorry to hear that you are feeling hurt, sad, and disappointed. Please do take care of yourself extra and the more you think of this as only a learning experience the better for your mental health.
It is great that you are at least well aware of your habits to fall instantly for people. I am also familiar which is why I have to try and be extra careful to best protect my heart from getting hurt. For me, it is also the inherent uncertainties but as time passes I have realized that no matter what, uncertainties can arise at any point in a relationship so it is best to first take things slowly to at least avoid getting hurt from the start.
I think once you start dating more people and actively remind yourself to take things slowly then it will get better. My first relationship recently ended and a huge part of it was because I didn’t take the time to truly know the person hence I ignored all the red flags later because I was so “in love”.
I am happy that you have chosen to take a step back at least for now and continue the dating process. If J is really the person for you and if he truly cares then it will become apparent. Just think of it this way when you are entering a committed relationship there are qualities you would like in your partner and sort of use that as a checklist during this dating process, there is nothing wrong with that and it might help prevent the pain you have gone through in previous relationships.
Wishing you all the best.
The reason I gave two pieces of advice is because I also recognize some people like to only date one person at a time because that is the best way for them to truly learn about the other person and that is okay. It is just important to keep reminding yourself during the dating phase that it is a process to know the person prior to being in a relationship which is a true commitment.
On the basis of your post, it seems that this man is interested in exploring this relationship further with you but he is also telling you that he may or may not feel a “strong infatuation feeling” for you. If you just met 10 days ago online then I can see his perspective of wanting to take things slowly because based on the timeframe and his past experiences he has realized it may be the wiser thing to do. Now, you have to see if this is truly okay with you from your perspective. In other words, if this man does not feel “strong infatuation” towards you then will you be okay with comfortably letting that go.
This man is clearly communicating to you that he may not feel strongly for you and I do not think you should wait around until he does while being in an exclusive relationship with him. When you commit to a relationship, I feel it is best for the two people to at least be on the same page in terms of how they feel for the relationship to nurture and grow. My honest advice to you is that if you are on a dating site to ultimately find love then perhaps take the moment to date other people as well and see how that goes while also continuing to date this man. I would recommend perhaps waiting a little longer before you even make things exclusive with him since I feel 1o days may be too soon for even you to really know if this person is someone you can be in a committed relationship with. You may feel very strongly about him now but as time passes you will get to see different sides of him and only then can you really see if those strong feelings continue or fade away. If you do take this advice and decide to date other people while also dating this man then just make sure to clearly communicate this with him as well so you are both on the same page.
Another advice: Continue to only date this man but wait until more time passes and you get to know him even better before making things exclusive.July 17, 2020 at 3:54 pm in reply to: Claims he is not choosing his parents, rather he is loosing me. #361975
Thank you for writing. Your post shares some interesting and important things for me to consider, I also appreciate the article you shared.
I hope you enjoy the rest of your day 🙂July 17, 2020 at 3:51 pm in reply to: Claims he is not choosing his parents, rather he is loosing me. #361974
Thank you so much for the long response, it helps make things a lot clear. People like you truly make the world a better place. I imagine if I knew you in real life I would bring you a bouquet of flowers, thank you for your generosity and we could enjoy a nice cup of tea together.
I think my main reason for referring to him as a child was because during our time together he would throw little boy tantrums. For example, when he had more than one task on his plate he would get super frustrated and then take a nap to calm down. He would also attend his mom’s calls during our dates afraid she would suspect he is up to something….such strange behaviors from his part that I even felt then but ignored because I wanted to believe he was a genuine person. He also left a really well-paying job here to do a Masters that has left him in significant debt, so his actions although are calculated, they certainly not the wisest.
He did tell me during his childhood he spent most of the time in his room, away from parents because he preferred that. He also told me I am the only one that has ever understood him and I know for a fact I was the only one who aside from his parents checked up on him and always cared for him. I guess the moments of good times we shared and his few acts of kindness and care made me still hold on to some fairytale but reading your post gives me so much clarity.
When I am in doubt again and my heart needs a reminder I will look over all the things you wrote. As time passes, I am not even angry at him anymore rather I just feel sad to realize that there are such dishonest and unattached people in the world. I hope even he learns from this relationship and as I remember stuff he shared from his childhood I am even less angry. His childhood had struggles, similar to many of us and our childhood can tremendously shape us so no point in holding any anger. However, if he messages me once more I will block him because that is not fair to my healing process.
I am going to focus on accepting reality, I fell for someone who was dishonest and a liar but my heart was pure, my intentions were good so I don’t have anything to feel guilty of. I can cherish my qualities and hope to find someone that is more compatible, loving, and caring for me.
NoorJuly 16, 2020 at 6:41 pm in reply to: Claims he is not choosing his parents, rather he is loosing me. #361905
I am proud of myself though for being able to stick to my no contact policy from my end. I am doing better because I have come to terms with the fact that I was never in a relationship that was loving from both ends so I really did not lose anything. Initially, all I could think about was him and the strong temptation to want to speak to him, but as time passes that is completely going away so that is some progress I suppose.July 16, 2020 at 6:36 pm in reply to: Claims he is not choosing his parents, rather he is loosing me. #361904
I hope you are well.
Thank you again for your constant replies, they have played a huge role in helping me move forward.
The thing is….I am doing well…or at least I am really trying to make myself believe that I am doing well. It’s like my escape usually from stress in life is going on long walks or drives but the thing is I can only do that now. It is SO hard to focus on anything else because the minute I am not on a walk or driving then all the memories hit me like the ocean waves, the constant back and forth. I hate this the most because it is interfering with my concentration in my professional life which is definitely not okay with me since I am extremely career-driven and I feel I am letting myself down. My appetite has even gotten extremely bad same with my sleep cycle. Some people close to me keep saying that I am overreacting for a relationship that was only 15 months…so now I am also worried is this true? But I always feel it is not the length of the relationship, rather how much invested I was in it which makes it difficult. It’s hard because I can’t seem to clear my head from everything that happened, I do not want to contact him, ever again but I need some clarity as to how someone does what he did to another individual. How can a person be so unempathetic?
His last message to me was two weeks ago saying “you were perfect, it was not you, but I cannot live a life in which I am constantly stuck between you and my mom, my mom could not sleep after I told her so it would only get worse had I kept trying” to be honest, I just didn’t reply. I didn’t even know what to reply. I am still confused as to what was the main reason behind his mother’s unacceptance and because of his poor communication skills throughout the relationship and even now, I cannot understand. I am also not asking him for more explanations because I am tired…I feel like I babysat the whole relationship with someone in their late 20s and I can’t do that anymore. I also will have a hard time trusting his words considering his dishonesty throughout our relationship. But what is he trying to achieve by sending me these messages?
I guess I am hoping if somehow in my head I can make sense of the whole situation, then it will be easy to be at peace….but I don’t know if that is true.
You are doing great. You can do this and you are. I have been feeling some of these thoughts too again, but I am trying to focus on what Anita just mentioned. He is responsible for the situation and pain you are currently feeling, anyone who cares about you would never make you feel this way.
Let your heart feel how it is feeling, but try to look at the practical side of what did happen. My good friend gave me advice the other day she said “life will throw many curves at you and you need a strong, caring partner who is willing to be there for you every step of the way” this was a curveball in the relationship one he did not put in effort fighting for and you do not deserve that.
I am sending positive thoughts your way. Journaling and going on nature walks have helped me, find something even small in which you find comfort and joy, before this relationship, and surround yourself with that.
I think it is admirable on your part that you are truly putting in the effort to build a bond with your sister. I am sorry that her reactions make you feel “sad and hurt”, those are certainly not good feelings and you do not deserve that. I hope things gradually get better, and lately, for me, I have been taking a lot of nature walks during such circumstances, it feels like a nice escape for a while.
Wishing you all the best and thank you so much for your kind words.
I read all your posts and I empathize with you.
One thing I wanted to mention was in regards to building a relationship with your sister. My sister and I are nine years apart, and we have completely different personalities. She is also into gaming, being on her phone, the new trend of TikTok videos, and just wanting to be with her friends. Growing up I always wanted a friendship with my sister but I realized the age gap was significant so it was only natural for us to not have that kind of friendship which sisters that are two or three years apart may have but I still wanted us to have a good, and strong relationship. I will share some of the few things that really helped me build a strong bond with her. However, I understand that people are different so not all things work with everyone, but I will still share in the hopes of something good coming out of it. My sister is a teenager and I am in my twenties.
1) Recognizing that my sister is in a different timeline in life than me and probably has her own stress/troubles etc, I try to bring up conversations that allow her to also open up to me while I can share some of the things in my life. I try to get her to understand how important it is for us to have a good bond because we always need that emotional connectivity, and reliability with someone in our family to feel supported. I always discuss the importance of these things with her and gradually she does understand. I start conversations by asking about her and eventually we have longer conversations. Since I am much older than her I have felt that it is my responsibility to maybe take the lead in strengthening our communication. (This is also because growing up my parents have constantly reminded me to take the lead as the older sibling, it was frustrating at first but I try to view it from a practical lens of age difference)
2) Don’t be afraid to open up to your sister. I have lately been going through a difficult time and again, keeping in mind the age gap I know my sister cannot understand my situation completely but I let her know that I am sad, I am feeling frustrated, I am hurt, or whatever it may be, by doing this she even sees that I also have my bad days and when she has her bad days then she can vent to me.
3) I try to do things she likes for some time such as making TikTok videos (as annoying as they are for me) but for her, they are fun so we spend time doing that and then I will take her on a long drive where we can vent, blast music, and just be ourselves. It was difficult at first but eventually when I started to be more involved in her life then she took initiative as well and we became closer.
Overall after reading all of your posts Annie, I hope you feel better soon. Lately, I have been going through feelings of “numbness, and emptiness” as well stemming from a breakup, and although it is very difficult, just remember it is one step closer to finding a relationship you truly deserve.July 9, 2020 at 5:47 pm in reply to: Claims he is not choosing his parents, rather he is loosing me. #361217
Thank you for responding.
Yes, I am focusing more on work, for now, I got a new job offer which made me really happy.
I guess the marriages I have witnessed in life have been extremely toxic and abusive, but for some reason, I never saw those marriages ending. People were miserable but for some reason, they choose not to leave the other person and stay in this cycle. Perhaps unconsciously I avoided relationships because of that and when I got one I too was determined to make it work no matter what….since I was used to that being normal when clearly it should not be.
I used to also get angry at myself when I craved a romantic relationship because I thought I should be focusing on other things in life and I already have people who support me so what more did I want. I realized after being in the relationship that having a person of the romantic kind can be beautiful and it is completely different than other things in life. It is just unfortunate that my first relationship did not work or I guess fortunate considering how toxic it became. I am slowly learning that I should give myself time and space before I am ready but also not get frustrated when the longing for the companionship of the romantic kind does occur.
Anita, I hope things are going well at your end.July 9, 2020 at 12:15 pm in reply to: Claims he is not choosing his parents, rather he is loosing me. #361166
<div class=”bbp-author-role”>Hi Adelaide1,</div>
I am sorry to hear about your heartbreak, but it is admirable to see that you had the courage to slowly start the dating process. It gives me motivation to see strong people like you that learn from their experience and do move on, no matter how hard it initially seems. You are right regarding missing companionship even more because I know what it feels like but knowing it can happen again gives me reassurance and hope.
I will keep your words in mind when I am ready…whenever that may be. In the meantime, I will try to shift my energy towards learning and loving myself along this journey.
I am sending positive vibes your way. I can tell you must be a good person for even taking the time to advise me in the hopes of some reassurance, so thank you.
</div>July 8, 2020 at 11:55 pm in reply to: Claims he is not choosing his parents, rather he is loosing me. #361082
Thank you for thinking about my wellbeing…I appreciate it.
I guess I am just tired and confused as to when that amazing relationship will be. I feel this relationship was so rushed, and I put in so much effort to the point of extreme exhaustion, and for the other person, it seemed it was so easy to forget all of it and just quit. I sometimes wake up wishing it was all a dream and sometimes I thank my lucky stars for not continuing the relationship longer than a year since it was clearly not the right fit for me.
I don’t know how people even end up in a happy relationship. I have seen so many negative examples around me which to some extent were also because of traditional cultural weddings where two very incompatible people come together to make even a toxic marriage work…..so I understand not all relationships are like that. My point is how do you get to build a good relationship, how do you even build the courage to put your heart out there again, and why am I missing this void so much. It’s like now that the relationship is over, all I can fixate on is how do I move past this, how do I forget him, how do I even begin the process of thinking about a new relationship……I feel scared to ever go through something like this again.
Should I just focus more on other things for now such as work? I tend to overpack my schedule where I am so busy that I don’t even have time to think about my relationship or in this case single life. I use to do it before too where I purposely put a lot on my plate so I can only focus on that but I guess that is also not the healthiest approach.July 8, 2020 at 3:58 pm in reply to: Claims he is not choosing his parents, rather he is loosing me. #361061
It has been a little difficult lately….I am trying to just distract myself and be surrounded by loved ones. I have been focusing more on my professional growth but I just can’t help and miss that feeling of being in a relationship. As time passes, I do not miss him, rather it is the feeling of being with a person who I shared every little moment with. I had not even seen him since February so as much as I missed the physical closeness, for me it was all about emotional connectivity which I miss having the most. I live at home so it is hard to mask my emotions, my family is very supportive but I can’t help feel as if my emotions are also a burden that is making the environment more depressing.
I am trying to keep my busy and focus on other things in life that can and do bring me happiness, but it is like a void is still there. It was my first relationship so I do know how to enjoy life being single, but I still am craving that companionship.
I don’t know what to do.