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Noor

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Viewing 15 posts - 16 through 30 (of 59 total)
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  • Noor
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you once again for all your kindness! Your words truly mean a lot and I am feeling so happy that I had the chance to contribute towards making your day 🙂

    I will keep your words in mind about emotions never staying constant to ensure I am better prepared for my days ahead. I am fortunate to find this forum and community of support that I can turn to even in the future!

    Dear Yellow Rose,

    Yes, I agree with your points about viewing this relationship as an opportunity of self-growth and being grateful that I did not end up marrying this man! The more I reflect on the nature of the relationship, the more I realize it was bound to end sooner or later as we were just too incompatible, so the sooner it ended, the better for me. I have truly learned how different people in this world can be and unfortunately, some may be dishonest, manipulative, and very cruel.  I am happy that my future will have a healthier relationship and I can take many lessons from my ex moving forward.

    Thank you for taking the time to reply to me, I appreciate your words of wisdom and kindness. I am sending good wishes your way!

     

    Noor
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I wanted to truly emphasize on how much your replies made an impact on my healing process. Whenever I am having a low day or thinking about the fantasy of that relationship (which is becoming less and less) then I read our posts. It makes me feel so much better and realize the reality of the situation.

    I am lucky that restrictions, where I am living, are slowing easing so I can go back to doing a lot of my favorite hobbies such as hiking and going on long bike rides. I feel liberated in a beautiful way and for the first time, I am thankful for experiencing a heartbreak. I could never have viewed it from that perspective if it wasn’t for your thoughtful and quick replies to me. I am also slowly, slowly feeling like I will be ready to put myself out there again, not yet but maybe sooner than I expect.

    Amidst all the chaos currently happening in the world, I wanted to ask how you are doing? I continue to actively read these forms and notice how much you take the time from your day to reply to others in the hopes of uplifting their spirit, it is inspiring.

    I genuinely hope all is going well with you.

    Love,

    Noor

    in reply to: Frustration in relationship #363091
    Noor
    Participant

    Dear Peace,

    After reading your post, it seems a lot of your worries and fears stem from this “what if” factor.

    Your relationship of two months sounds like it has no other major issues, although you did type that you feel he listens but does not understand you…could you please expand on that? The main issue right now is that your boyfriend not willing to commit to marriage because for him it is too soon, is that correct? From his perspective, it seems he is still trying to solve things related to his ex and his kid and he is clearly communicating with you that he will not be ready to commit to marriage until at least 1 to 2 years. He is thinking about what he wants as he should because he has every right to do so and so far it seems he is being honest with you from the very start (although I do not know enough about him to make a concrete conclusion about if he is an honest or dishonest person). I can understand that you are hurt because he is not making the commitment of marriage to you but from his viewpoint, two months is very fast to commit to a lifetime. Regardless of how great the time you are both spending right now is or how often it could simply be the honeymoon phase and it would be wise for the relationship to progress more before making such a commitment.

    “Even with my visa i can sponsor him as he doesnt have proper visa.he works full time and his 80 % salary goes for installment of the house which he is buying… I m willing to help him in every way whenever he needs me…”  I actually feel it is good that he is not marrying you for such purposes, because otherwise, you will never know if he is marrying you because he truly loves you or because of visa or since you can help him with house installments.

    Now, the other guy is the one your family feels you should marry. He is a family friend, also the brother of your sister’s husband and it seems you also know him fairly well as you wrote he is one of your good friends. This family friend is ready to marry you but that could also be because he too is feeling pressure from his family ( I am not 100% and you can write more details if you wish). You could marry this person immediately but you will also never know how long or how good that marriage will be because that is also a “what if” since although he is your good friend, you do not know him from a romantic/intimate aspect. People can treat and react very differently when they are with their girlfriend/boyfriend compared to when they are just with a friend.

    In both scenarios, it seems you will be taking a risk. On the one hand, you have a current relationship which is currently facing a lot of problems because you are both not on the same page, on the other hand, there is this family friend who you can marry right away. The choice is really up to you.

    You could continue dating your current boyfriend for a few months and see how it goes, I know you don’t want to wait a year but if the relationship cannot even survive one year then marriage is really out of the equation. Or you can simply marry your family friend and hope that relationship is strong enough to survive the lifetime commitment of marriage.

    At this moment Peace, what is it that you feel the most comfortable doing? Do not think of this situation from your boyfriend, or your family friend, or your family, or your best friend’s perspective but simply yours. At the end of the day, it will be you that has to live your life and you need to be at peace with your decision. Unfortunately, there is no way as of right now for me to really tell you what the right decision is because the “what ifs” are never going to end. Sometimes in life, we learn from experience, some good and some unfortunately bad, but what matters is going with your gut feeling. Family pressure can be a lot of stress on your mental health but I highly encourage you to not make a decision simply because of your family, family is indeed very important but again, at the end of the day, it is you that will be living with the decision you make.

    Warm wishes,

    Noor

    in reply to: Letting Go… #363081
    Noor
    Participant

    Dear Marina,

    Being in a relationship is a natural craving, after all, human beings are social animals. We long for companionship but to make them the ultimate purpose or goal in life can be extremely stressful even for the person you are with. Think of it this way you are taking all your lemons and putting it one basket that is not capable of handling more than let’s say 50 lemons but if you continue to overwhelm it instead of dividing the lemons and using other baskets then you are bound to damage the basket.

    Your desire to be in relationships should be parallel to other things in life as well, such as your career goals, family, friends, and other things that make your life your life. Even if you are in a healthy and loving relationship it is still important for that relationship to not become your everything to a point where you are not able to set boundaries or you are “dropping everything to care” for the other person.

    Many of the things you have mentioned such as “no one will ever want to date/marry me”, makes me wonder why you feel such negativity towards you. It seems you are willing to care, empathize, love, and appreciate the person you are with which are wonderful qualities and  I am certain you have many more. So why wouldn’t anyone want to date/marry you? I would highly encourage that you take some time away from this relationship and focus on you. The letting go process as Anita mentioned will be hard but it is a journey that is important for you to take in order to be in a relationship that can nurture and grow. Just remember your purpose in life should first and for most be to take care of your mental wellbeing and the rest should follow.

    Warm wishes,

    Noor

    in reply to: What do I do???? #362354
    Noor
    Participant

    Hi Bill,

    From personal experience, I can relate to what you are currently experiencing in your relationship. My very first boyfriend (now ex) was always reluctant from the start to tell anyone in his family that he is dating, he never told them about our relationship or any of his previous ones for that matter, and when the time finally came to tell his family then things escalated downhill extremely fast. The relationship had been of one year with half of it being long-distance but throughout the relationship, I too was unease about why he would not tell his family about me. I could never truly enjoy the relationship because my gut feeling always knew there was a reason he was not telling his family and although he assured me they were very liberal and accepting, I still felt something was wrong. I should never have ignored my gut feeling.

    My main learning outcome from that relationship was to always focus on a person’s actions rather than their words. If you feel there might be the slightest chance of you having a future with this current boyfriend of yours then I would recommend you take a break from this relationship until he is ready to have a conversation with his family and is willing to introduce you to at least one family member. During this break, you do not have to see other people rather you can simply put a little pause on the two of you speaking or spending any time together. No matter how many times he says he has had the conversation or that they will be okay with it, I would still recommend that you focus on his actions and have the chance to speak to one of his family members. Right now all you have are his words to trust but when it comes to tribal issues and arranged marriages, words are not enough. Let his actions speak. Since the relationship has only been for 3 months it will be extremely wise on your end to have this cleared right now before the relationship prolongs. You really don’t want to invest more months only to end up with a broken heart.

    Also, from your original post, it seems he told you he had a conversation with his sister but now he is telling you he didn’t? Did he lie to you about this conversation?

    in reply to: Need advice on new relationship #362291
    Noor
    Participant

    Dear Isabelle,

    We all learn from experiences they are important in helping us grow as individuals. I personally agree with Anita that he also came on very strong and it is only natural to feel so flattered when a guy does say such amazing things to you right from the start. I feel the outcome of the situation is for the best for you because you now do not have to be in this “what if” boat with him and instead focus on talking to other people while learning from this situation.

    I am sorry to hear that you are feeling hurt, sad, and disappointed. Please do take care of yourself extra and the more you think of this as only a learning experience the better for your mental health.

    With love,

    Noor

    in reply to: Need advice on new relationship #362179
    Noor
    Participant

    Hi Isabelle,

    It is great that you are at least well aware of your habits to fall instantly for people. I am also familiar which is why I have to try and be extra careful to best protect my heart from getting hurt. For me, it is also the inherent uncertainties but as time passes I have realized that no matter what, uncertainties can arise at any point in a relationship so it is best to first take things slowly to at least avoid getting hurt from the start.

    I think once you start dating more people and actively remind yourself to take things slowly then it will get better. My first relationship recently ended and a huge part of it was because I didn’t take the time to truly know the person hence I ignored all the red flags later because I was so “in love”.

    I am happy that you have chosen to take a step back at least for now and continue the dating process. If J is really the person for you and if he truly cares then it will become apparent. Just think of it this way when you are entering a committed relationship there are qualities you would like in your partner and sort of use that as a checklist during this dating process, there is nothing wrong with that and it might help prevent the pain you have gone through in previous relationships.

    Wishing you all the best.

    Noor

    in reply to: Need advice on new relationship #362133
    Noor
    Participant

    Isabella,

    The reason I gave two pieces of advice is because I also recognize some people like to only date one person at a time because that is the best way for them to truly learn about the other person and that is okay. It is just important to keep reminding yourself during the dating phase that it is a process to know the person prior to being in a relationship which is a true commitment.

    Warm wishes,

    Noor

    in reply to: Need advice on new relationship #362131
    Noor
    Participant

    Hi Isabelle,

    On the basis of your post, it seems that this man is interested in exploring this relationship further with you but he is also telling you that he may or may not feel a “strong infatuation feeling” for you. If you just met 10 days ago online then I can see his perspective of wanting to take things slowly because based on the timeframe and his past experiences he has realized it may be the wiser thing to do. Now, you have to see if this is truly okay with you from your perspective. In other words, if this man does not feel “strong infatuation” towards you then will you be okay with comfortably letting that go.

    My advice:

    This man is clearly communicating to you that he may not feel strongly for you and I do not think you should wait around until he does while being in an exclusive relationship with him. When you commit to a relationship, I feel it is best for the two people to at least be on the same page in terms of how they feel for the relationship to nurture and grow. My honest advice to you is that if you are on a dating site to ultimately find love then perhaps take the moment to date other people as well and see how that goes while also continuing to date this man. I would recommend perhaps waiting a little longer before you even make things exclusive with him since I feel 1o days may be too soon for even you to really know if this person is someone you can be in a committed relationship with.  You may feel very strongly about him now but as time passes you will get to see different sides of him and only then can you really see if those strong feelings continue or fade away.  If you do take this advice and decide to date other people while also dating this man then just make sure to clearly communicate this with him as well so you are both on the same page.

    Another advice: Continue to only date this man but wait until more time passes and you get to know him even better before making things exclusive.

     

     

    Noor
    Participant

    Dear Patricia,

    Thank you for writing. Your post shares some interesting and important things for me to consider, I also appreciate the article you shared.

    I hope you enjoy the rest of your day 🙂

    Noor
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you so much for the long response, it helps make things a lot clear. People like you truly make the world a better place. I imagine if I knew you in real life I would bring you a bouquet of flowers, thank you for your generosity and we could enjoy a nice cup of tea together.

    I think my main reason for referring to him as a child was because during our time together he would throw little boy tantrums. For example, when he had more than one task on his plate he would get super frustrated and then take a nap to calm down. He would also attend his mom’s calls during our dates afraid she would suspect he is up to something….such strange behaviors from his part that I even felt then but ignored because I wanted to believe he was a genuine person. He also left a really well-paying job here to do a Masters that has left him in significant debt, so his actions although are calculated, they certainly not the wisest.

    He did tell me during his childhood he spent most of the time in his room, away from parents because he preferred that. He also told me I am the only one that has ever understood him and I know for a fact I was the only one who aside from his parents checked up on him and always cared for him. I guess the moments of good times we shared and his few acts of kindness and care made me still hold on to some fairytale but reading your post gives me so much clarity.

    When I am in doubt again and my heart needs a reminder I will look over all the things you wrote. As time passes, I am not even angry at him anymore rather I just feel sad to realize that there are such dishonest and unattached people in the world. I hope even he learns from this relationship and as I remember stuff he shared from his childhood I am even less angry. His childhood had struggles, similar to many of us and our childhood can tremendously shape us so no point in holding any anger. However, if he messages me once more I will block him because that is not fair to my healing process.

    I am going to focus on accepting reality, I fell for someone who was dishonest and a liar but my heart was pure, my intentions were good so I don’t have anything to feel guilty of.  I can cherish my qualities and hope to find someone that is more compatible, loving, and caring for me.

    Love,

    Noor

     

    Noor
    Participant

    I am proud of myself though for being able to stick to my no contact policy from my end. I am doing better because I have come to terms with the fact that I was never in a relationship that was loving from both ends so I really did not lose anything. Initially, all I could think about was him and the strong temptation to want to speak to him, but as time passes that is completely going away so that is some progress I suppose.

    Noor
    Participant

    Dear Anita:

    I hope you are well.

    Thank you again for your constant replies, they have played a huge role in helping me move forward.

    The thing is….I am doing well…or at least I am really trying to make myself believe that I am doing well. It’s like my escape usually from stress in life is going on long walks or drives but the thing is I can only do that now. It is SO hard to focus on anything else because the minute I am not on a walk or driving then all the memories hit me like the ocean waves, the constant back and forth. I hate this the most because it is interfering with my concentration in my professional life which is definitely not okay with me since I am extremely career-driven and I feel I am letting myself down. My appetite has even gotten extremely bad same with my sleep cycle. Some people close to me keep saying that I am overreacting for a relationship that was only 15 months…so now I am also worried is this true? But I always feel it is not the length of the relationship, rather how much invested I was in it which makes it difficult. It’s hard because I can’t seem to clear my head from everything that happened, I do not want to contact him, ever again but I need some clarity as to how someone does what he did to another individual. How can a person be so unempathetic?

    His last message to me was two weeks ago saying “you were perfect, it was not you, but I cannot live a life in which I am constantly stuck between you and my mom, my mom could not sleep after I told her so it would only get worse had I kept trying” to be honest, I just didn’t reply. I didn’t even know what to reply.  I am still confused as to what was the main reason behind his mother’s unacceptance and because of his poor communication skills throughout the relationship and even now, I cannot understand.  I am also not asking him for more explanations because I am tired…I feel like I babysat the whole relationship with someone in their late 20s and I can’t do that anymore. I also will have a hard time trusting his words considering his dishonesty throughout our relationship. But what is he trying to achieve by sending me these messages?

    I guess I am hoping if somehow in my head I can make sense of the whole situation, then it will be easy to be at peace….but I don’t know if that is true.

    in reply to: First breakup, anxiety and loss #361832
    Noor
    Participant

    Dear Lisa,

    You are doing great. You can do this and you are. I have been feeling some of these thoughts too again, but I am trying to focus on what Anita just mentioned. He is responsible for the situation and pain you are currently feeling, anyone who cares about you would never make you feel this way.

    Let your heart feel how it is feeling, but try to look at the practical side of what did happen. My good friend gave me advice the other day she said “life will throw many curves at you and you need a strong, caring partner who is willing to be there for you every step of the way” this was a curveball in the relationship one he did not put in effort fighting for and you do not deserve that.

    I am sending positive thoughts your way. Journaling and going on nature walks have helped me, find something even small in which you find comfort and joy, before this relationship, and surround yourself with that.

    in reply to: Is it worth it to ask for another chance? #361526
    Noor
    Participant

    Hi Annie,

    I think it is admirable on your part that you are truly putting in the effort to build a bond with your sister. I am sorry that her reactions make you feel “sad and hurt”, those are certainly not good feelings and you do not deserve that. I hope things gradually get better, and lately, for me, I have been taking a lot of nature walks during such circumstances, it feels like a nice escape for a while.

    Wishing you all the best and thank you so much for your kind words.

Viewing 15 posts - 16 through 30 (of 59 total)