Forum Replies Created
July 1, 2020 at 11:13 am in reply to: Claims he is not choosing his parents, rather he is loosing me. #360189
Thank you Anita for taking the time to write. Your perspective means a lot.
I guess it is best to just try and move on rather than keep trying to untangle the situation since the outcome will never change.
NoorJune 30, 2020 at 9:25 pm in reply to: Claims he is not choosing his parents, rather he is loosing me. #360152
The more I reflect on the situation, the more I feel his initial hesitance was because he knew his family would want an arranged marriage. I think he convinced himself and me that he could fight his parents if needed (but he just kept me more oblivious to the whole situation) and didn’t think it would be much of a problem until the time came.
I remember asking him questions such as, are you sure your family does not mind love marriages?-Of course not! We have had family love marriages, that will not be an issue but I have never discussed it with them….I am sure they will not mind.
I would reply saying: You should try having these conversations with your parents, it is important you are well aware of their expectations as well especially being an only child. To which he would say: I have a different relationship with them and they do not need to be involved in such things right now and they will not be able to apprehend it as they first want me to finish my program and get a job….
More questions I asked:
are you sure your mom does not want to choose the bride for you as such traditional families do?- no! We are not like typical brown families, please stop comparing us
are you sure your family does not want someone who will visit them regularly in India and stay there for some time? I obviously can visit a few times but not for a long period of time considering my career is here. NO! They are not looking for some caretaker, they will be so happy that you make me happy….stop thinking that way.
It is so ironic that when the time came, his mother said the exact opposite of all his answers. Of course, she wanted an arrange marriage or at least to choose his future bride who would visit them always and even spend a few months with them. I remember on our last phone call he told me he could not believe how selfish his mother was but could not disobey her because of her health….. a part of me feels sorry that he was this oblivious to his own family’s reality but a part of me is so shocked how one can be so clueless…..June 30, 2020 at 8:33 pm in reply to: Claims he is not choosing his parents, rather he is loosing me. #360144
You are so kind to take the time to help shine a flashlight on this matter. I have written so much to you in such a short span of time and you have been gracious in providing me with so much insight, for that I thank you.
I will truly recognize and try to work on the points you have mentioned. The truth is I knew during the majority of our relationship that it is not going to last because of the way he was but again I put a bandage on it because of my fear of letting go. I have never experienced saying goodbye to a loved one so the thought of that happening during the end of our relationship nearly destroyed me.
I guess I really could not have done more in this relationship and it didn’t matter what qualities I had or didn’t because it simply was not compatible with his nature. His dishonesty and self-centeredness wouldn’t have appreciated any of my qualities regardless. I guess this happened to me so I can learn and I do thank God that in a way I saved myself from what was slowly becoming a toxic relationship. Even if his parents agreed….I feel this relationship was not meant to last.
I am spiritual and a little religious in my own way, and the night before he talked to his parents, I did pray to God that I hope whatever the outcome may be that it is in my favor. My God saved me from committing to such a man and for that I am grateful.June 30, 2020 at 3:35 pm in reply to: Claims he is not choosing his parents, rather he is loosing me. #360125
You are right. He was dishonest.
I waited so long before having my first relationship because I was so scared of heartbreak. I had seen so many terrible relations around me that I thought if I wait I can avoid the mess and find the person for me….he was the first for me in every aspect. I introduced him to my parents too and I do feel stupid for having so much faith in him. You’re also right that I should not have needed to persuade him, for some reason I thought that if I can be perfect for him then why not have this relationship because we did have a good understanding and good times in general. I thought he is being hesitant but maybe if we spend more time together then he will be more sure as time passed which eventually he was ….but I really should not have needed to chase him so much. I guess I was in my fairytale of wanting a boyfriend so much that I thought these little compromises which eventually did drain me were normal for any relationship…I suppose not.
I did ask him to explain these contradictions to me in which he would reply saying you keep asking me so many times that I keep getting lost in my words and saying some things in the heat of the moment. I remember once he even referred to me as “bad news” to his parents which really threw me off.. we had another argument about it and he said I am sorry I did not mean in it in that way. He kept turning it around on me though saying I need to stop overthinking this and enjoy the relationship for the present. He said I kept asking him way too many “what ifs” which is negatively impacting this relationship. I was also hurt when I would sometimes say that I do feel I am doing a lot more in this relation which is why sometimes I doubt if you love me as much as you say you do…he would lash out saying he is not asking me to do those things (which he wasn’t) and he would love me just as much if I didn’t do (which I highly doubt)….
I just don’t get it though…did I not have qualities that would have made him love me more to stand up, could I have done something better….I keep getting into this vicious cycle of thoughts ….and now really scared to date because I have never felt such pain. The heartbreak felt as if someone put their fist down my throat and squeezed my heart until I was empty. My body felt paralyzed. I could not eat or sleep. I called him twice after just crying with so much agony asking why he did this and why he didn’t stand up….he repeatedly said I am so ashamed, I don’t know how to face or talk to you I just don’t and kept crying too.
I felt terrible ….that is an understatement but not being able to reach out to the person that said he loved me was extremely excruciating. I can’t stop thinking about why this happened. I guess some experiences we have to go through to learn and as time passes I am trying to heal.June 30, 2020 at 2:22 pm in reply to: Claims he is not choosing his parents, rather he is loosing me. #360117
I understand your perspective in this post. It does seem he was hesitant from the beginning and it was not until mid-way into the relationship that he started to truly express his love for me with mostly just words but also small acts of kindness. He would tell me I am perfect and he never knew he could feel this way. He told me that he was hesitant at first because he didn’t think he could love someone this much and now that he does he is willing to fight for us.
My question though if he was hesitant from the start as you mentioned a wanted an out then why not just tell me? Why didn’t he tell me from the start? Was it my fault for being too persuasive that he eventually gave in or according to him, he was initially scared to fall for someone so fast that’s why he was a bit guarded? Anita, I do not want to found very full of myself but everyone that I did introduce him to or even talked about did say I was out of his league in all qualities. But because of my compassionate heart and everyone else around me that were caring individuals, I thought that it’s okay and he was still respectful and kind but maybe I was wrong…..
I do feel he did tell his parents as the details in the conversations seemed too real for him to be lying…however, maybe the timing he told me was not true. Because it is very unusual to believe their extreme changes in reaction within a span of three days. He told my mom the next day on the phone when she called him asking what happened as I was too much of a mess to talk and kept crying. He told my mom that he told his parents and at first they were accepting and needed time to process. He said they kept trying to find faults and eventually said they do not accept me because I am not their choice. He said his mom has health issues already and they would worsen because of this and he could not put her through that. He also said he knows my nature and that I would want a loving relationship with my in-laws and he feels that could never happen because his mom has gone into this phase of unacceptable. He said this would become a daily problem and never be solved.
Anita, I always felt he was selfish from the start because many times he did not want to have a difficult conversation with his parents because it would involve too much mental energy from his end. I did notice that throughout his love was self-centered and usually, when he had to do anything out of his comfort zone even in general he couldn’t. I don’t know why I was so blinded to these things.
Thank you again for your thoughtful advice.
“so deeply embedded that we can never change it“
I am so sorry to hear what you had to experience, it is certainly not fair to you. I am recovering from a very recent break up in a similar situation as yours, of course, our stories are not identical but he also could not choose his parents over me. He never told them about me so we had many arguments over it and eventually when he did they just did not accept. In my case, our religion and caste were also the same and the mere reason for unacceptance was because his mom did not “choose” me. He used to tell me it would never be a problem but I guess sometimes actions speak louder than words so no matter what a person says it is the action that I have learned to believe.
Sunshine, all I want to say is that even though it might be hard to believe right now you are lucky for what happened. Every day I say this because I come from a similar background as your boyfriend, arranged marriages take place in which the two individuals are not happy or a guy will fight his parents and marry you only to have your life later become miserable and controlled by his parents. It is so good that you have found out now rather than much later, and remember because of his childhood environment, the engraining of obeying his parents by marrying their choice is something that is so deeply embedded that we can never change, and frankly, it is not our problem to, we can be far more productive doing other things.
I understand it is hard to leave your parents for someone but a wise person like your boyfriend should then know his limits to start with. I have seen good situations too where a guy will fight and overtime his parents do give in but again there is no point living in such fantasies as his actions at the moment speak otherwise. It may feel like you have lost a diamond but trust me you have saved yourself. I empathize with his future wife and hope his family does not treat her miserably because she will end up going into the chaos you have freed yourself from. We all like to think love triumphs all, that is true but these family traditions do wear the love of couples down and tear it apart until there is nothing but compromise and hatred left. I have seen this from experience.
This is only my advice and of course, I do not know everything about your relationship so I do not mean to pass on any negative judgments about your boyfriend, maybe he was genuinely a good guy but the point is I strongly believe you will only feel more hurt if you do not move on. Take the time you need to heal but surround yourself with better things and people that truly care about you. I have a strong support system which is a blessing, and I turn to Ted Talks and these forums for more comfort. The pain is still there but it slowly passes because I try to remind myself that my boyfriend ended our relationship for things beyond my control and that is enough reason for me to move on.June 30, 2020 at 11:23 am in reply to: Claims he is not choosing his parents, rather he is loosing me. #360087
Thank you for taking the time to write back to me. It means a lot to me.
He used to tell me his family was traditional in the sense of marrying into the same religion, not being very accepting of alcohol and that was about it. He said the rest was fine but was always worried that because he has never told them about any relationship that they might get stressed when they first find out but again he would never clearly tell me his concerns. There were SO many times he brushed off my questions by saying I will take care of it when the time comes don’t worry which again we had more arguments because I had this gut feeling that he was not telling me the whole truth……Also, when we first started dating I told him that even if his family does not drink alcohol but mine does….will that be a problem? He clearly said no and then as the relationship progressed he said that just try to make sure they do not drink in front of my parents. I was not happy about it but I let it go.
At the start of the arguments, I kept saying I was uncomfortable being kept a “secret” from his family. I used to say it is not the right thing to do as I come from a background where we share almost everything with our family. He used to tell me that since he as been out of the house since the age of 18, his parents don’t know how he fully is and there is no point telling them right now as they will jump to conclusions such as why don’t you get married right away or want to know everything about my family. I understood in the beginning as we had only newly started dating but as time progressed his responses did not make sense to me but I had friends from a similar background as his that reassured me not to worry since Indian families still residing in India do not have an open relationship in which they share these things with their parents.
When he finally got into his Master’s program then we started having arguments about doing long distances. I was always fine with it but I felt I had to convince him to try long-distance in the beginning (I had a bad feeling about this too as why am I trying to convince him), but he finally said he wants to because he loves me…….I said that I want to know when he will tell his family since we are starting to get more serious. At the time he told me then lets first try long-distance and then I will tell them after we get past the obstacle of adjusting to an LDR, I again gave him time because it was my first relationship and I thought these things are normal, I should be patient.
After doing LDR for two months in which I also visited him we then had a full-blown argument in which I said if you can’t tell your parents then I can’t continue this. He then said that he will tell them after his program finishes and that he plans to on his graduation day. He told me I could not come to his graduation day then which would be nine months from now as he would tell his family during those days. This made me extremely sad but I chose to let go. Again, I always had family and friends reassure me that I should be patient but in my mind, I knew that these are not normal things in a relationship and that I should not be kept a secret. I remember when his parents called him in front of me he used to tell me to stay quiet so they cannot hear or just take the call outside…these things made me feel so bad as if I was doing something wrong.
During our whole relationship, the main problem was him not telling his family but as time passes I feel he always knew from the beginning how they would react and tried to string me along as long as possible. He told me he loved me like no other than how does it take one call from his parents for him to completely turn off this relationship. He has not sent me any text or phone call since…I have blocked him from many things but not Facebook and his email address in the hopes that he will write one day. The break up has been very recent but I have never been so shocked to see someone change colors this fast….or Anita, maybe he was like this from the beginning?
I was nearly in tears reading through this entire forum. I recently experienced something similar where my boyfriend of one year chose his parents…..he kept calling me in tears saying he does not know what to do but eventually our relationship did end. I was very hurt…but I am slowly moving on. I can’t imagine the pain you felt, especially because it had been seven years.
Risha, I hope you are doing well and that you have found some version of peace. It can be difficult to survive such traumatic experiences but it is never impossible. I just want to send you good wishes and I truly hope you are in a better place now.