Dear Peace,

After reading your post, it seems a lot of your worries and fears stem from this “what if” factor.

Your relationship of two months sounds like it has no other major issues, although you did type that you feel he listens but does not understand you…could you please expand on that? The main issue right now is that your boyfriend not willing to commit to marriage because for him it is too soon, is that correct? From his perspective, it seems he is still trying to solve things related to his ex and his kid and he is clearly communicating with you that he will not be ready to commit to marriage until at least 1 to 2 years. He is thinking about what he wants as he should because he has every right to do so and so far it seems he is being honest with you from the very start (although I do not know enough about him to make a concrete conclusion about if he is an honest or dishonest person). I can understand that you are hurt because he is not making the commitment of marriage to you but from his viewpoint, two months is very fast to commit to a lifetime. Regardless of how great the time you are both spending right now is or how often it could simply be the honeymoon phase and it would be wise for the relationship to progress more before making such a commitment.

“Even with my visa i can sponsor him as he doesnt have proper visa.he works full time and his 80 % salary goes for installment of the house which he is buying… I m willing to help him in every way whenever he needs me…”  I actually feel it is good that he is not marrying you for such purposes, because otherwise, you will never know if he is marrying you because he truly loves you or because of visa or since you can help him with house installments.

Now, the other guy is the one your family feels you should marry. He is a family friend, also the brother of your sister’s husband and it seems you also know him fairly well as you wrote he is one of your good friends. This family friend is ready to marry you but that could also be because he too is feeling pressure from his family ( I am not 100% and you can write more details if you wish). You could marry this person immediately but you will also never know how long or how good that marriage will be because that is also a “what if” since although he is your good friend, you do not know him from a romantic/intimate aspect. People can treat and react very differently when they are with their girlfriend/boyfriend compared to when they are just with a friend.

In both scenarios, it seems you will be taking a risk. On the one hand, you have a current relationship which is currently facing a lot of problems because you are both not on the same page, on the other hand, there is this family friend who you can marry right away. The choice is really up to you.

You could continue dating your current boyfriend for a few months and see how it goes, I know you don’t want to wait a year but if the relationship cannot even survive one year then marriage is really out of the equation. Or you can simply marry your family friend and hope that relationship is strong enough to survive the lifetime commitment of marriage.

At this moment Peace, what is it that you feel the most comfortable doing? Do not think of this situation from your boyfriend, or your family friend, or your family, or your best friend’s perspective but simply yours. At the end of the day, it will be you that has to live your life and you need to be at peace with your decision. Unfortunately, there is no way as of right now for me to really tell you what the right decision is because the “what ifs” are never going to end. Sometimes in life, we learn from experience, some good and some unfortunately bad, but what matters is going with your gut feeling. Family pressure can be a lot of stress on your mental health but I highly encourage you to not make a decision simply because of your family, family is indeed very important but again, at the end of the day, it is you that will be living with the decision you make.

Warm wishes,

Noor

Hi Bill,

From personal experience, I can relate to what you are currently experiencing in your relationship. My very first boyfriend (now ex) was always reluctant from the start to tell anyone in his family that he is dating, he never told them about our relationship or any of his previous ones for that matter, and when the time finally came to tell his family then things escalated downhill extremely fast. The relationship had been of one year with half of it being long-distance but throughout the relationship, I too was unease about why he would not tell his family about me. I could never truly enjoy the relationship because my gut feeling always knew there was a reason he was not telling his family and although he assured me they were very liberal and accepting, I still felt something was wrong. I should never have ignored my gut feeling.

My main learning outcome from that relationship was to always focus on a person’s actions rather than their words. If you feel there might be the slightest chance of you having a future with this current boyfriend of yours then I would recommend you take a break from this relationship until he is ready to have a conversation with his family and is willing to introduce you to at least one family member. During this break, you do not have to see other people rather you can simply put a little pause on the two of you speaking or spending any time together. No matter how many times he says he has had the conversation or that they will be okay with it, I would still recommend that you focus on his actions and have the chance to speak to one of his family members. Right now all you have are his words to trust but when it comes to tribal issues and arranged marriages, words are not enough. Let his actions speak. Since the relationship has only been for 3 months it will be extremely wise on your end to have this cleared right now before the relationship prolongs. You really don’t want to invest more months only to end up with a broken heart.

Also, from your original post, it seems he told you he had a conversation with his sister but now he is telling you he didn’t? Did he lie to you about this conversation?

Hi Isabelle,

It is great that you are at least well aware of your habits to fall instantly for people. I am also familiar which is why I have to try and be extra careful to best protect my heart from getting hurt. For me, it is also the inherent uncertainties but as time passes I have realized that no matter what, uncertainties can arise at any point in a relationship so it is best to first take things slowly to at least avoid getting hurt from the start.

I think once you start dating more people and actively remind yourself to take things slowly then it will get better. My first relationship recently ended and a huge part of it was because I didn’t take the time to truly know the person hence I ignored all the red flags later because I was so “in love”.

I am happy that you have chosen to take a step back at least for now and continue the dating process. If J is really the person for you and if he truly cares then it will become apparent. Just think of it this way when you are entering a committed relationship there are qualities you would like in your partner and sort of use that as a checklist during this dating process, there is nothing wrong with that and it might help prevent the pain you have gone through in previous relationships.

Wishing you all the best.

Noor

Hi Isabelle,

On the basis of your post, it seems that this man is interested in exploring this relationship further with you but he is also telling you that he may or may not feel a “strong infatuation feeling” for you. If you just met 10 days ago online then I can see his perspective of wanting to take things slowly because based on the timeframe and his past experiences he has realized it may be the wiser thing to do. Now, you have to see if this is truly okay with you from your perspective. In other words, if this man does not feel “strong infatuation” towards you then will you be okay with comfortably letting that go.

My advice:

This man is clearly communicating to you that he may not feel strongly for you and I do not think you should wait around until he does while being in an exclusive relationship with him. When you commit to a relationship, I feel it is best for the two people to at least be on the same page in terms of how they feel for the relationship to nurture and grow. My honest advice to you is that if you are on a dating site to ultimately find love then perhaps take the moment to date other people as well and see how that goes while also continuing to date this man. I would recommend perhaps waiting a little longer before you even make things exclusive with him since I feel 1o days may be too soon for even you to really know if this person is someone you can be in a committed relationship with.  You may feel very strongly about him now but as time passes you will get to see different sides of him and only then can you really see if those strong feelings continue or fade away.  If you do take this advice and decide to date other people while also dating this man then just make sure to clearly communicate this with him as well so you are both on the same page.

Another advice: Continue to only date this man but wait until more time passes and you get to know him even better before making things exclusive.

Hi Annie,

I think it is admirable on your part that you are truly putting in the effort to build a bond with your sister. I am sorry that her reactions make you feel “sad and hurt”, those are certainly not good feelings and you do not deserve that. I hope things gradually get better, and lately, for me, I have been taking a lot of nature walks during such circumstances, it feels like a nice escape for a while.

Wishing you all the best and thank you so much for your kind words.