I hope i get there someday because today feels like hell. Since the time i woke up i’ve been in a bad mood and my mind is now convincing me that i don’t want her and i need to end things, i feel extreme dysphoria and i have no more tears to shed. The idea of me ending things brings me some nausea in my stomach but i am so convinced that i feel nothing. I remember how amazing i used to feel with her before all these happened and its like a distant memory. Such a precious connection that i’ve never felt with anybody else again.

Damn today’s been hard 🙁

I think this is the time that i am coming to the same conclusion about what u’re saying, that no person can live up to that. I knew it already, but never actually went through that realization by “experiencing” it. We can only save ourselves i guess

Hmm, how did u reconnect or find that part?

For example: i stopped going to the gym because i dont feel the “pull” to do that, i don’t ride the motorcycle because of the same reason. I think getting out of bed is hard because of it too.

Perhaps u are right anita, because this led me to either people please or get angry and cut people off like a switch. (two extremes again, the ambivalence of either 0 or 100)

I like your questions 🙂
Hmm, i can’t recall anything specific, maybe because it never worked?

Thinking back on my relationship patterns, even though all of them were short-lived, i realize that i was only associating with girls that never really made me feel safe (always hypervigilant about them leaving, trying to meet thir needs).The feeling of needing them was consuming me, they were the source of my happiness (just like it happened with the current one) and i would get strong stomach cramps because of insecurities (like jealousy), even though i would always be pretty chill and never worry about getting cheated on since i can’t control them and know for sure, so i never bothered, i did felt extreme feelings of jealousy though, the ambivalence again? 🙂

As for the present girl, i would be like that until two months ago, if she would speak of any male acquaintance or someone hitting on her i would get this intense feeling in the stomach (i think u know what im talking about). Now i still get jealous (we joked around today and i did feel jealousy, but it was not needed) but i stopped getting this intense stomach cramp-like feeling. Could this mean that i’ve reached a level of security and comfort in this relationship that i am more relaxed on this part? Because my mind translates this as “if u dont feel consumed by jealousy then u dont want her”. Also, since november (the birth of confused), whenever i would have fun or feel good with friends/etc and not with her, or not think of her for some minutes, or feel the same intense infatuation for her, i would feel guilty and sad, which my mind also translates to “u see? u dont really wanna be with her”. I would say there is a level of codependency on me. I’ve never learned calm love/choice, i would always seek intensity and to be consumed by desire, otherwise it wouldn’t gauge my interest.

Idk if i’m right, i am just introspecting 🙂

Damn, i read my post again and i contradict myself again: “my eyes get watery” / “i can’t feel the appreciation”

Hey anita

But she has been loving/kind/caring towards me since summer, what changed in that specific day?

Yes i have been feeling responsible for “keeping the peace” in the house, not upset my parents or bother them because they might get moody and a fight could break out, not burdening them also. At times i felt “responsible” to give my mother relief on certain things too.

Hmm, the way you put it makes sense but why did that manifest now? Could it be because my nervous system feels “unsafe” so it doesn’t hold on to emotions? Or nobody else ever gotten this close to me before? Because with her i’ve shared everything, my fears, my weird thoughts, something that i’ve never done before with anyone else.

Yes i do care about her a lot and i think deep down i don’t wanna end things (at least this was how i was feeling a month ago, now everything is more numb). The thought of losing her forever and having to put her in “my past” makes me very sad and i cry instantly. I think of how special she is to me and how precious i would feel our connection before all this happened. But then i get angry at myself because where are those good feelings?

Therapist today told me that in the next session we will focus on the past connections and my relationship with my parents. She was taking notes of everything i was telling her and she highlighted the part where i said “i am either 100 or 0, all or nothing, i dont know in-betweens” and the “i’ve never missed anyone in my life”. Also i dont feel jealous of the girl now (well, i do a little bit) but maybe that’s a good thing? That means that i feel safe with her? I also gave her a list of all my compulsions and what i do that led me to discovering relationship OCD. Which in most people start with a thought “what if i dont love my partner?” or when the next big step is gonna happen. And i’ve had both the thought and the big step. I just wanna feel the same for her again 🙁

Hey anita

No no i was never intending on moving to germany (at least for now). The way i had (still do) it in my mind was, we would meet each other, see if we click in person, do fun stuff together and enjoy our time, take trips to each other, meet in other countries too and then after a while, talk about the next step, but her convo about moving for good was a bit too soon for me i think. She admitted that she should have never even bring it up so early. The thing that bothers me is, why did i react to it that way? I was always a chill person living day-to-day and experiencing life. I was trying to pass this on to her aswell to ease her anxiety about the future.

Yes you might be right that fantasy was a bit far off from reality because it involved mainly being here in Greece (my comfort zone) but i was curious to see other places too, it’s not that i wanted us to grow roots here.

I sometimes feel guilty/ashamed because it feels like i can’t fully “appreciate” her. She is so loving/kind towards me and i don’t always feel it (well, never since november have i felt like before..honeymoon phase-infatuated?). But i am loving towards her even if i don’t feel it all the time. And i like taking care of her, so i guess that’s a little something for now 🙂

You are right, but ever since i got like this, i felt a feeling of “obligation” towards her because i felt like im the one created all this (the standards, the feelings, the relationship) and now i have to keep it up the same way forever 24/7. But i am kinda relieved now because the truth is, it takes two to tango and i’ve always been true to my feelings, never tried to manipulate or gain something from her.