Dear Tee,

“Didn’t you say it was a girl from your university class?” Yes but that was for one song. A 10 year old girl inspired the melody for a different song, so I am saying that it would be stupid for people to assume that I am a pedophile just cause a 10 year old inspired one of my songs. And in the same way, it would be stupid for people to assume that I am in love with a female classmate just cause she inspired a song.

“And that you are starting to feel infatuated with her.” Yes, but that realization was a result of my own overthinking and I was only hit by that realization months after the incident. I wasn’t actively thinking about the girl at the time.

“Remember she asked him whether you are cheating when you didn’t answer your phone because you were sleeping? That’s where her mind goes immediately: to blame and accuse, even if the other person is innocent.” Yes I know that, but the guy’s response was like watering the seed and allowing it to grow inside her mind.

“If she indeed saw a chat about this girl that you are infatuated with and wrote a song to – then there is no argument to convince her of the opposite.” Nah she just saw that I made a song and that it was inspired by the girl and I asked the guy for his opinion on the song. She just came to the conclusion that because the girl inspired me to make a song, maybe I was emotionally/mentally cheating on her.

“And besides, maybe your guy friend really thought that you were interested in the girl – because you were? Because you yourself said you were infatuated by her?” I definitely didn’t say I was infatuated with her. I said that the girl has intrigued me and caught my attention but I specifically told him that it was nothing romantic or infatuation or anything like that.

“If you wrote a song for a girl (not a 10-yr old, but someone in your class), and you are infatuated by her – is it a foolishness to believe that you are interested in her?” But I SPECIFICALLY told the guy that I was not infatuated with her. I specifically told him not to get any wrong ideas, that I was just intrigued by her.

“So the “original seed” is in her: the suspicion, the paranoia, the tendency to accuse others. He only poured some water on that seed by saying “yeah maybe he’s interested in that girl”. And let’s face it – you yourself said you were infatuated… so perhaps he wasn’t even lying.” Ok fine, you are right about him watering the seed. But that was really unnecessary. I NEVER TOLD ANYONE THAT I WAS INFATUATED WITH THE GIRL. That was a realization I had MONTHS after the incident happened, and I told u when I came to that realization.

“But I wouldn’t exclude her being flirty either – perhaps not openly flirty like sending pursed lips photos, but more like sweet and agreeable, so that she can paint the image of herself as a kind, sweet person – and win him over.” Yea probably.

“So you are in touch with him at the moment? And he is accusing you of confiding in him about her prostitution? And he is blaming you for leaving her after she admitted she’s prostituted herself?” Yes we still talk. I just never confronted him about what he said to B. Accuse is the wrong term here but he is definitely saying that I am wrong for telling people about what happened to B because it is supposed to be something that I should have kept as a secret between B and I, and he is also saying that I am in the wrong for leaving her as well.

“If so, she managed to turn him against you and present herself as the victim…” Yea probably, and that makes me sick. I am just going to maintain a professional friendship with him now. But honestly, that pushes me back to being alone. I don’t have anyone to talk to or engage in any friendly conversation with. I am just sitting in my room studying and listening to music and etc but it definitely feels lonely.

“I strongly suggest watching her videos, because they can explain why you’re feeling the way you’re feeling.” Yea I will watch the video. But I can’t stop feeling like I am the issue. Cause a girl contacted me about music and stuff and my father told me that I should become friends with her since I don’t have anyone. So I tried and tried and tried and now we don’t even talk anymore. Idek where the hell I am going wrong. Do I lack communication skills? What the hell am I supposed to say when she tells me she is having a bad day? I asked her if she wants to talk about it and she would say no. What am I supposed to do when she says she has trouble falling asleep? So I asked her if she had any troubling thoughts bothering her, and then she just said bye. What am I supposed to do when she says she is in pain? I asked her what kind of pain it is and where the pain is located and she said she doesn’t want to talk about it. THEN WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO DO? I am trying to respect her wishes but it’s not getting anywhere. The “friendship” has reached the point where she still talks to me cause “its the right thing to do” and not cause she actually wanted to. What about my feelings? What about my issues? Told me that we should just remain acquaintances and we should talk less. I just feel like a fool. And what is more annoying is that I have to keep trying to maintain a friendship with her because I don’t want my father to find out that this girl also rejected my friendship. Am I really that bad?

Paradoxy

Dear Tee,

“Because she seduced him over those 3 months? He couldn’t resist her? BTW did you explicitly tell him not to communicate with her after you two broke up? Because as far as I know, they were friends/acquaintances too – he didn’t know her only through you, right?” I find the seduction part very difficult to believe but what does that have to do with him fueling the fight between us? We already broke up so if he was interested in her, then talk about each other instead of talking about things that aren’t even true about me. And no, I did not tell him to not communicate with her because whoever she entertains is none of my business, nor do I care. I just want my money and I will be on my way.

“The person who is causing the fights is her – she is accusing you of having a poor choice of friends” Yes but she is also accusing me of cheating and etc, and that theory only came about cause of the misunderstandings that the guy created.

“Knowing her intentions, she didn’t appreciate the silence. Because she wants to lure you back in.” Yes I know that but I already told the guy that she is pestering me over foolishness and that I don’t want her to have more excuses to continue fighting me. He was the one who even suggested that I ignore her entirely so what is the logic behind him fueling the fights?

“So can you be cold enough and tell her that you don’t want to accompany her to the ATM at night, and that you only are willing to go with her if she has your next installment ($100)?” I can.

“Or, I have a better idea. Why don’t you make a bargain with her. Something like this: “if I accompany you, and if there is less than 100 bucks, I am taking all the money there is on your account. Maybe I’ll let you keep $10. Because you dragged me to the ATM in vain. So if you do, I am warning you, next time I am taking all your money. Is it a deal?” Can you be cold enough to say that?” I could say that, but she won’t agree to it. What then?

“I would still talk to him and hear his side of the story. Because if you don’t, you participate in her game, you side with her against him. And you should never side with a liar and a manipulator, specially not without checking the other side of the story.” Idk, I still don’t like the idea of trusting neither of them. I think it is just better to not trust anyone at all because at this point idk who can be trusted or not.

Paradoxy

Dear Tee,

Assuming u r right about the situation, do u think I should waste my time confronting him, especially knowing he could lie about the situation? Isn’t the best course of action to just be on my guard and trust no one?

“And are you sorry?” No I never cheated on her. I am saying that the first time, he told her that I could be cheating, when I was actually just sleeping but that made her break up with me. But after that, recently when B was talking to him again after reading our conversation, he told her that I was interested in someone, when I actually wasn’t, and she assumed that I was interested in that person for months and she assumed that I was breaking up with her because I was cheating when I actually wasn’t. She thought I was just pinning to blame on her to break up with her so that I could be with someone else. But none of that was true. I was never interested in anyone else. But the false information that he fed to her led to this conclusion.

“But what about all the other breakups that you initiated because of her bad behavior? Because of her lying about her ex? Because of her wearing revealing outfits and posting it on social media in spite of promising not to? Because of her prostituting herself?” I know all that, but she thinks that these are just my excuses to pin the blame on her because she thinks I was cheating on her.

“All that didn’t endanger your relationship, but that one occasion where she asked your friend if you were cheating (so she came up with the paranoid thought first), then he decided not to dissuade her – that’s what endangered your relationship?” No the relationship was already endangered by then, but I am trying to get a peaceful resolution and this dude is feeding her with unnecessary things behind my back???? I am trying to get my money and move on and this dude is creating reasons for her to continue fighting with me?

“And your friendship is not already ruined? “ No really, cause I am not dumb enough to just blindly believe what B showed me. I am just going to keep my guard up until the guy does something stupid again.

“Oh so you even have to take her to the ATM? She doesn’t have online banking, so she doesn’t know how much money she has?” Apparently she can’t access the website? And she wanted to deposit some money into her account so she needed to go to the atm for that. And it was in the night and the place we live can get dangerous at night.

“And then once you get to the ATM and she sees her account is almost empty, she sheepishly says “oops, nothing there. Can’t give you back today, sorry”. And that’s it? You’re buying it?” Yes I saw her account balance and it was roughly 60$. What else am I supposed to do other than wait patiently until next month? She promised to pay then. I can’t let go of this money.

“Well actually, she’s making a fool put of you. First, she would know how much roughly she has. I mean, she should know it – before she calls you. The fact that she is dragging you to the ATM and then acts surprised that she doesn’t have the money, and basically stands you up and you go back empty handed, is beyond humiliating.” I saw it coming from a mile away but I needed to hold on to that 1% hope. Besides I can’t have her death on my conscience if something did happen since she was leaving in the middle of the night. This woman is now asking if I could buy her an 80$ perfume as “a gift” for her. This woman is craaaaaazzzzyyyyy I swear. The audacity is insaneeeeeee.

“Acceptance to be treated like a clown?” No acceptance as in controlling my emotions and not allowing her to trigger me.

I didn’t want to be cold to her, but I think that is my only choice right now. I am not letting her fool me anymore.

Paradoxy

Dear Tee,

“So in their June 4 conversation, he told her he would have wanted to get to know her (like from the moment he met her), if you weren’t his friend? If so, at least he respected the fact that you are his friend. But really, if he was attracted to her, what should have he done? Certainly not admit it to you, since that would have been even worse for everyone.” Yes he told her that if I was not his friend, he would have wanted to get to know her. Sure u could say he respected me. But at the same time, I’ve known this dude for years. This dude is casually sleeping with multiple women, and I have a feeling he only sees B as a sexually object too. Idk. But if he was attracted to her, he should not have made a move at all (especially after telling him what kind of person she is) cause how can he come tell me that I deserve better and she is not the right person and all that stuff but the next moment he is showing interest in her? He should not have been trying to screw us up from behind my back in the first place. If he wanted to make a move, he should have expressed his interest after B and I had settled everything since our break up, instead of trying to push us toward the break up. He can’t be saying B is cruel and narcissistic and etc and then the next day you find him dating her. Now I can’t trust him if I were to have another gf in the future.

“Still, you can’t forbid him to be attracted to her, and now even to make a move.” Yes I get that, but at least wait for us to settle things between her so I can stop caring completely, because he knows that she owes me money, and he couldn’t wait? I would understand maintaining friendship with her but making an actual move on her???? Of course it will leave a bad taste in my mouth with the way he went about it.

“Well, she already went behind his back and told you about it – which he asked her not to. And they’ve communicated in the past too, it’s not like this was their first conversation. So there might have been an exchange between them, which you’re not aware of. And she seems like a girl who is flirty in general, so why wouldn’t she be with him too.” Maybe, but its not enough to call him a victim, because he still knowingly hammered the wedge that was already placed between us and then he made a move behind my back.

“In any case, I think she could hardly wait to tell this to you, and to start pitting you and your friend against each other.” Eh, she told me to not do anything about it or confront him about it… so how is she pitting us against each other?

“So if she told him her version of the story (filled with lies), he might have started seeing her in a different light, and trusting her, and seeing her as a victim… So who knows what preceded that message of his, where he started hitting on her.” Could be. But the screenshots indicated that he texted her first regarding her modeling, and then proceeded to make the move. Besides she was constantly blocking and unblocking him anyway since we were fighting so often. But like I said, you could be right. But to be dumb enough to trust a girl who u have known for 2 years but barely interacted with, over a guy who has been with u for 4+ years and you literally live together and do everything together is just insane.

“Unless you talk to your friend… and find out what he has to say, rather than trusting her (a proven liar) on her word.” He could lie too. What then? Its not like he would show me his chat.

“It’s not like she is trying hard to save up, so she can repay you. On the contrary, she is spending on herself, e.g. now she has enrolled a trading class. BTW is it to become a broker?” Yeah she doesn’t know how to save money, which is why I am becoming increasingly annoyed cause there is nothing I can actually do to force her to save money. Can’t even call the cops because her roommate is a cop and she is also one of the worst cheaters u could find. And yes she is trying to become a broker to make more money.

“Good luck with that, Paradoxy. Because the chance is 0%. Zero. Nada. Your attempts are futile. It’s like going to the snake and expecting not to be bitten.”
😂😂Lol ig u r right.

“But still, going for more, trying to convince her that you are a good person after all, hoping that she would see it, hoping that she would change….” Thats the thing, I am not going for more. She is coming to me. And I have no choice but to take it cause each call could be a call to say that she has my money ready. I am aware of the foolishness that is going on, but its not like I can block her. I have to just sit here and let her hit my pride and ego and everything and tank it as much as I can. And yeah she is trying to lure me back into a relationship too, but it ain’t working.

Paradoxy

Dear Tee,

“She sent it to you? When is the conversation between the two of them dated?” Yes, she sent it, and the conversation occurred on June 4th.

“I wouldn’t be surprised if she flirted with your friend too.” She sent the full conversation, which includes her response to him, and there was no flirting.

“BTW if he really wants to pursue her, in spite of everything you told him about her, well good luck, he’ll have to learn his lesson the hard way.” The guy said “Everyone’s interactions with people are unique and different. It might not be the same for us.” Basically he thinks that he will have a different/better experience with her than me ig.

“You need to control the physical expression of your anger, even if you feel anger inside.” Yeah it is under control rn, idk about when I see him, but rn it is under control. I am teaching myself acceptance. To accept the way life is and just move on and not let it affect me.

“Have you talked to him about her allegations (that he was hitting on her)?” Nope, he specifically told her not to tell me, and B requested that I not tell him that she told me. So I am just going to stay silent and see what happens. Based on the response B gave, he might not try it again, but if he does, ig we will see.

“Yeah, narcissists are like that… and if you call them out, they’ll accuse you right back – that you are a narcissist. Has she done that?” Yep, she has. Her lack of listening and other behaviors are why I call her a brick wall, cause nothing I say gets into her head.

“What do you need to understand? Has she started repaying your laptop, or she is still finding excuses to delay it?” I don’t need to understand. I am just trying to respect her by listening to her and make her feel understood so that she may give the mutual respect for me and actually listen to me as well. I know it is stupid but I am working on improving myself by teaching myself to be more understanding. She is showing signs of planning to delay the payment but I am not in Jamaica yet so we will see once I get back.

“Are you still caught in a conflict with her, with arguments, mutual accusations, insults, things like that?” We barely talk, but when we do, it ends up in a fight. After all, I have to maintain contact with her so I can get my money back. Besides that fight happened after she showed me the evidence with my guy friend. And though I didn’t say she seduced him or flirted with him, I told her that she probably made him feel too comfortable, which made him want to say the things he said. Besides, she had been posting her modeling pictures on her status too so I am not amazed he got intrigued.

“Because if not, then your ongoing conflict is just a smokescreen, which she uses to justify her defiance and her refusal to give you back your money.” Could be. She paid me once, but it will probably take another 8-9 months before she can completely pay me back. Now she is telling me she started attending trading class and etc so she need the money for that. I am going to see what happens when I get back to college.

“A boxing bag might be a good idea – a safe way to physically express anger without hurting anybody…” Yeah lol I was thinking about a punching bag too, I am probably going to find one and use it when I get time. But my anger is very controlled rn, but it might burst when I see him, so idk. We will see.

Paradoxy

Dear Tee,

Sorry I definitely didn’t see any update on the post.

“Well, she said she always noticed when you felt upset” The key word is “looked” so she mainly saw the physical aspect, and just generalized the feeling.

“Since she is claiming she would notice your upset – which is not a physical, but an emotional  state – she is indeed gaslighting you. Besides, she told you that you humiliated them when she learned about your suicide attempt. That’s how emotionally “supportive” and “tuned in” she was.” Yea I know, that is why I got really riled up by her comment.

“Sure, because in their eyes, only physical issues and illnesses are worth complaining about. And since you are still young and healthy, why indeed would you complain about a single thing? You must be an idiot if you do (says your father).” Precisely.

“That’s what you believe about yourself: that something is fundamentally wrong with you. And that’s what all children (and later adults) who were emotionally abused believe about themselves. Until they start healing and reverting those damaging core beliefs.” I honestly don’t know anymore. Last night I found out that my guy best friend just hit on my ex, behind my back, going far enough to tell her not to tell me. Basically, he was interested in her from the beginning. Despite all the things I told him about her. Lol. Then my ex proceeded with more insults. Telling me that every girl that rejected me dodged a bullet lol. Telling me that I am unlovable and etc. I don’t know anymore. To fight back I started insulting her too. But idk, I was never good at a verbal battle.

“But you, Paradoxy, don’t want to accept it: you fell for their false view of you: that you are an idiot. That you are not good enough. You fell for that false identity. In other words, you accepted a lie.” Can’t seem to fight the feeling that maybe…. just maybe…. people are actually better off without me.

“Don’t break a bird’s wings and then tell it to fly.

Don’t break a heart and then tell it to love.

Don’t break a soul and then tell it to be happy.” 

I am all of the above at this point lol.

Paradoxy

I am sorry for the way I am…..

Dear Tee,

“She didn’t force you into it, but you went for it because of her: because you used up all your savings to pay for her upkeep. So you needed the extra money. And she convinced you to try trading.” Right… but she didn’t actually manipulate me into try trading though… She introduced trading to me, and she suggested that we start trading and because I’ve always wanted to make some money by working or something while in college, I agreed to her suggestion to see how far it would get.

“So it wasn’t a professional broker, but some guy she found? And he didn’t bear any responsibility for losing your money?” It was as professional as we could find. The guy has a lot of persons financing his trading and he has been relatively successful, but yeah, the guy is a pain: he refuses to take responsibility for losing the money cause “trading is a very risky investment and it has ups and downs which we cannot control” and then we just stopped working with him and started saving again to try out other trading groups.

“Don’t underestimate the influence your father had on you and forming your beliefs. What he put you through was indoctrination, and it left its traces (just think of being forced to sit with the adults at 5 years old, listening to their “wisdom”,  instead of being allowed to play).”  Oh trust me when I say this, my father’s beliefs do not control me, they have just made me aware and more cautious. They ended up being right about B and so I will respect their beliefs, but I am still going to do my own thing, based on my own evaluation. I will not allow their opinion/judgment to cloud my own. I will still acknowledge their beliefs and consider it in various situations, but the final decision will be mine alone.

“Yesterday I came across an article about gaslighting, and was amazed to see that it describes almost to the tee the tactics used by B” Thank you. I will come back to this whenever I feel like someone is gaslighting me. I will learn from my mistake.

Paradoxy