Hi Rox…Believe me, I have a lot of damage control to do on me as well and it actually feels good knowing that I am, as I say, throwing out the trash too. It has made me a lot more room to grow in ways that I had not expected. One of the concerns that I think that the guy you had been dating was that he may have felt that your adverse reactions were more present than what he had visions for, presumably visions of being with a good looking kind woman like you. They may have been so frequent that he pondered how long this will go on, will it get any better etc. From what he may have experienced was he felt that yes, this will continue and no, it won’t get any better. For the most part he is shell shocked and feels that by continuing his relationship with you he would continue to be subject to these negative reactions too often to warrant him to go on. I’m just speculating.

I am curious. In what ways was he perfect for you? While it may be true that you were “the love of his life and that he would always fight for us”, his threshold of tolerance has/is/was not as great as you hoped it would be. That may be due to experiences he had to grow up with and therefore became part of who he is, but again I don’t know him. I agree 100% with Anita that “For as long as you automatically project your childhood fear (and anger) into romantic relationships, you are unable to see the man for who he is (trustworthy or not, loving or not). This childhood projection is like a big, dark cloud overshadowing the man. So you can’t see who he is.” It makes perfect sense, to me anyway. As long as he has chosen to disengage from your relationship with him, for reasons that are protective to him, I cannot see how you can fix things with him. For that to happen, you need to fix things with you first. I am not so sure that it was only that you messed things up per se. I think it is also an issue of not being compatible in the first place and so how your reactions set the stage for the breakup, to couple that with being incompatible is a toxic situation. I also believe that you should move on with the knowledge that you have learned many things about yourself. I think that going back to him so soon would sabotage your relationship further for many reasons. First and foremost forgive yourself, love yourself even more and recognize that none of us is perfect, and make a conscious effort to weed out the things you have harbored for a long time. Those things have not served you well in any capacity. They have only hurt you. Just as important, wish him well and hope for a happy journey wherever he goes in life. Because this ending was so painful for you I think that you now realize what you must do for you. And I know you will. To answer your last question, no. I would not date her again. It’s that could have/would have/should have thing. I have moved on in my life and the changes I have made and continue to make are incredibly exciting to me. Those memories are still close, although I am not affected by them in any way. I will not compromise myself by thinking things are better with her, even though I have forgiven her. If anything, please know that there are some truly amazing people here for you, myself included.

Hi Rox…I once had a g/f  that over reacted to the point where her reactions were excessive for the minor things that happened. Her reactions were explosive. These reactions were invariably followed by the requisite “I’m sorry”. This pattern continued with pendulum regularity, an explosive reaction followed by the get out of jail free card of I’m sorry. I’m trying to recall an example of a minor infraction turning into a federal offense…Here’s one…I bought some table napkins once, but didn’t open the package and put some in the napkin holder. It’s not that these over reactions kept occurring, but they were also brought out in the open months and sometimes years after the event happened. I guess it served to shore up her arsenal of emotional abuse for later use. I told her that by her continuous doing that is tantamount to hauling around a bad of trash. I told her that she needs to throw out the trash. I also told her that in talking to me that way robs her an opportunity to develop and maintain a happy healthy relationship. It got to the point where when she would react so violently where I told her that she was either looking for a fight or looking to start one. To me it seemed as though, in her mind, a fight that evolved into a you vs me showdown was mandatory in a relationship. It was not long after that, that I went my own way. To this day I will not tolerate emotional abuse. She was all upset in a bad way. She told me, “I’ll change.” I told her, “I look forward to that. You will find such love and happiness that way. But when you do, if you do, stop by some time and let me know how you’re doing and we’ll do lunch.”

I think what I am trying to say is maybe now is a perfect time for you to take a step back and have a talk with yourself, and, your self, and admit that “yes this is how my reaction affects not only me but others as well.” There is absolutely nothing wrong in doing that. When I did that, it made a HUGE difference in my life. I constantly have my fingers on that pulse. Have a talk with yourself, Rox. Throw out the trash. It will make a lot more room in that huge heart that I KNOW you have that will make more room for someone special for you to hold.

Pearce

Hi David…I hope that when you read this you are well on the way to embracing amazing things that will take you down a road that surely leads to a life of happiness. When you said, “The only thing I need working on is the feeling of resentment, anger and need for revenge for the person whose spiteful actions has put me in this present position.” I respectfully disagree because of the operative words, “the only thing.” Am I correct in my belief that your “boozing spree for several days” are not a sudden knee jerk reaction or rare moment? I ask this because I get a sense that alcohol occupies a great deal of your life. Alcohol is the judge, jury, and executioner and plays havoc not only on you but your family and relationships  as well. When you said, “This isn’t the first time something like this has happened as I count myself very vulnerable to anxiety and low mood (won’t say depression)” I must again with all due respect to you my friend, challenge this by saying that there are many expressions of depression, with your desire to contemplate suicide being one. With you saying that “This isn’t the first time something like this has happened as I count myself very vulnerable to anxiety and low mood (won’t say depression) and I ended up in hospital for 10 days last year after a similar booze induced breakdown.” being another. When people resort to alcohol as a means to avoid their responsibilities to themselves to manage issues of negative effects, they in essence are only masking the problem rather than confront them and make the necessary healthy changes. Whether it be a chemical imbalance in your brain of the effects of an adverse upbringing, or a combination of both, your depression is something of a priority that needs to be dealt with and I think that by being an active participant in making what I call a correction in direction, you can be a key architect in making the changes you need to and become the beneficiary of a beautiful life. I got your 6 my friend.

Pearce

Hi dreaming 715,

What Eliana has to offer is good, very powerful medicine. What Anita says is very solid too. There is no possible way that I can add to what they said. What Anita said about “getting over an intense fear is a long term project” is the real deal. It will be a long term project. But as you engage in your pursuit in getting over it, don’t think to yourself that you’re going to do it. Think to yourself that you ARE doing it. And you will. The one thing that I got from my step-dad, as a gift that I shall be forever indebted to him for, was that he did manage to teach me one thing. That one thing was how not to be-like him. It is for that reason that I am a good father to my daughter because I just did the opposite he did. That is a sad commentary to make, but it has never failed me. I am forever grateful that he did abandon me. Even though my gratitude for that was not fully appreciated for many years later. Be grateful for what your mom gave you, how not to be-like her. Knowing this will be very helpful I’m sure in starting to get over that abandonment. One last thing, you truly are ok.

Pearce

Hannah your poem speaks volumes of pain. There are over 7.5 billion+ people on earth. The beauty of that is there is absolutely nobody like you. Although there are 7.5 billion people, out of all those people, even though you and I have never met, I KNOW that you are an uncommonly amazing and beautiful person. This is a fact of life. Darkness cannot keep out the light. You are the light that shines in a dark world of 7.5 billion people. I am not so sure about what you said, that “no one can save me.” I know that Ana, myself, Anita, and countless others here are reaching out their hand extending their hearts and souls to you. All you have to do is reach out for that and grab hold of those amazing people. I can assure you that one thing will happen. They will be there for you, as will I.

I wish you all the peace, love, and happiness that life has to offer, for an eternity longer than a lifetime. It is the least you deserve.

Pearce Hawk

Tannhauser you have been talking in depth about many things that disturb you. I think that your expressing your discontent with religion is a road you are traveling and at some point I feel that you will make a turn at your choosing, and in doing that you will have many of the answers you are looking for. To me that’s exciting, to see someone relentlessly pursuing answers to questions rather than giving up on themselves and just go with the flow. Only dead fish go with the flow. I wish more people reached out and talk about their negative experiences with religion like you do. Stay the course my friend. You know how to get to where you’re going.

Hi Ray…thank you for getting back and I hope that all is well with you. Anxiety is but one of a constellation of symptoms of perfectionism that can and do cause physical and emotional imbalance. Perfectionism becomes a problem when it causes emotional wear and tear or when it keeps you from succeeding or from being happy. Sometimes the  pain of perfectionism is felt in relationships with others. The person with that personality trait sometimes put distance between themselves and others unintentionally by being intolerant of others’ mistakes. You said, “I remind myself that everything will be okay and as long as I do my best to be positive and focus on what I love about him it will all go away with time.” The Lakota Sioux say, “Ley hehun nike waste. It is pronounced lay-he-hoon-nee-kay-wash-tay. Translated it means the day is good. And when you said …everything will be ok…it reminds me of when I lived as a child for almost 5 years with a Lakota Sioux family on the Rez. What the White Horse family taught me was, the day IS good.  It all depends on how we as people treat the day. Since “day” in the Lakota perspective is part of nature, we cannot and do not own any part of nature. It all depends on how we treat the day, something that, by virtue of day being part of nature, is already perfect. What a difference your tone “sounds” compared to your first post. I think you have a very good handle on it. You always have but some variables created an imbalance in your life. I’m so happy for you. One of my favorite quotes is by a guy named R.D.Laing. He seems to be a pretty cool cat. What he said really opened my eyes to how I see things. He said, ” The range of what we think and do is limited by what we fail to notice. And because we fail to notice, that we fail to notice, there is little we can do to change; until we notice, how failing to notice shapes our thoughts and deeds.” Reading this one time gave me a solid opportunity to rethink my approach to things. It has made me a much better person even though I think I was anyway, although my friends will feverishly dispute this 🙂 It helped me change for the better, I think anyway. I have learned too that learning has no value if change is no longer necessary. I cannot remember who said that. But the truth to that is profound. And not only “focus on what I love about him” but focus on the love you have -for you. All too often we ignore that. Let go of the need for perfection. This has interfered with your ability to embrace so much more. When you do let go of that perfection, think about how much more you can give to your man. I’m really happy for you.

Pearce

• This reply was modified 6 years, 11 months ago by PearceHawk.