Hi Amanda,

This is a really personal decision, but I will offer you my perspective. I’ve been thinking about this topic a lot lately and discussing with my boyfriend. We just watched Ivory Tower – which I would STRONGLY suggest you check out. Super interesting and relevant. I think you are really smart to be considering the debt you will have to take on to go back to school – most students don’t consider this when they go off to college and they are stuck paying off loans 30 years later. As for me, I am fortunate I don’t have any student loan debt. BUT I do have a master’s degree. WHICH is not being used at all. Seriously, I am an administrative assistant in a completely unrelated field.

The movie I mentioned above – there was a really powerful quote in it. I can’t remember word for word, but the jist of it was something like “people will tell you it’s risky not to go to college after high school. I think it’s riskier to take out thousands of dollars of loans on a degree that may not get you a job or earn you more money.” Ha, really I think I butchered that. But it makes sense. When I went to college, straight out of high school, I had no idea what I wanted to do. At 30, I now have an idea. But I won’t go back for another degree. So I’m just going to take a few classes to help me move along in the field I’m currently in.

If I were you…I would continue working and saving. Think for a while without pressure about what you want to do to make a living, and then take the steps to make that happen. College might not even be necessary to get your where you want to go. Also, see Ivory Tower.

Hi Steve,

First off, I am really sorry if anything I am about to say sounds harsh. I’ve been reading your different threads and have commented some here and there, and feel you’ve gotten a lot of great advice. I also think you sound like a really great guy. Truly!!

I think you need to lighten up about this whole thing. Just enjoy yourself, your family, your friends, your life. From what you’ve described of the relationship you had with the woman you can’t shake – you didn’t really KNOW her. You knew some, and filled in the blanks of all the rest, probably with qualities you WANT. People are their most charming selves in the beginning! Especially when they’re kind of aloof. So yea, it’s easy to see how she kind of became your ideal woman, and how you would wonder and wish that you had met her sooner. I’m sorry your ex-wife did not deserve a good man like yourself. As I said already, I think you sound like a catch…loyal, expressive, caring – you are bound to find someone (or be found by someone) who IS deserving of you. Probably when you’re not looking or least expect it.

Good luck Steve, keep us posted. 🙂

Matt! @amatt

I meant to thank you for your response sooner…thank you! I love your analogies…they really hit it home. 🙂

Hi Todzilla,

I struggle with this too. Our situations are a lot different, but I have recently made the realization that my expectations are getting in the way of my happiness and ruining my relationships. So I am trying to release them as well. I’m sorry I don’t have any advice, but am grateful that you posted this because of the responses it’s prompting!

Matt – thank you so much for sharing your insights with us! I am frequently blown away by your perspective and I really can’t tell you how much you’ve helped me deal with my daily struggles in a much more peaceful and positive way. This topic in particular I am loving your responses to. I love your analogy of the King coming home to his Queen and not rehashing stories of the battle. BUT what I continue to struggle with (albeit less and less frequently!) is the worry that by not sharing things that are bothering me (little things that happen at work, etc) there is a distance that is created between me and my boyfriend. Like I’m not sharing my day with him, so this must be a bad thing. I think the more I just let myself be present and enjoy moments with him and not poop in his face, the more we BOTH enjoy each other and THIS is what strengthens our relationship, not the constant-sharing-of-shitty-moments-of-the-day. But, I am just curious about your perspective on this?

Hi Dawson!

What you’re feeling is totally normal…it IS a scary thing to get out on your own. I moved 12 hours away from home when I was 25 to be with a boy. Relationship broke apart, moved back home for 1.5 years and here I am at 30 (!) and just moved out on my very own for the first time. And I go from being jumping-out-of-my-skin excited to scared to death. And I only live 20 minutes away from my mom.

I think you need to remind yourself that nothing is permanent. A 6 month lease might seem like a long time to be away from home if you don’t end up liking where you’re at, but in the end it is only a couple seasons and you can move back home at the end of it. At least you will know being that far from home is not for you and you can then aim your efforts closer to home. For the last couple months, I was coming up with excuse after excuse about why I couldn’t move out right now. I was waiting for the time to be perfect and in the meantime, I, like you, felt like my life really was on hold. While I love my mom more than anything, I felt like still living with her was starting to eat away at my self confidence, which was in turn affecting every area of my life! So I decided there was not going to be any perfect time and I just needed to frickin do it already even if it didn’t feel 100% comfortable. What was my alternative? To still be living at home when I was 31? Not for me.

I guess what I am saying is…some things just HAVE to happen. Like moving out. I guess some people never do, and that is ok – but if that’s not what you want, then you just need to decide that it’s going to happen, you are going to have uncertainties, but you will deal with it. It’s this kind of challenge in life that causes us to grow and develop strength!!

Steve, I hear ya about wanting to say good things to someone you like. I am this way too. I like telling people how I feel, and have been really resistant to playing this “game” with holding back, being a little reserved at times, etc. However, my experiences just in the last couple of months have taught me that as much as I hate it, the whole dating thing really is a game. But it doesn’t have to be a bad one!! It’s just better not to lay all your cards out on the table right away (too many compliments, future-talk, etc.). For whatever reason, when someone knows they’ve got the other person’s feelings in the bag from the get go, they start to lose interest. They don’t have to try anymore. You know?

Oh girl, I could’ve written every last word of this. I am currently doing the analyzing and stopping myself from freaking out and melting down thing all because of a couple texts that I have CHOSEN to interpret negatively.

The funny thing is that when I am talking to someone else about their relationship, I can totally advise on how to “be positive, do your own thing, just enjoy each other, stay in the moment, blablabla” BUT the minute anything uncomfortable happens in my own relationship, this all goes out the window. I’m trying (and making more progress than ever) to get and KEEP my mind calm, but god it’s a lot of work.

What you said that I can so relate to – “Suddenly the two-word message from him means that he’s losing interest in you or worse, has figured out how needy you really are and is right at this moment getting tired of it.” It sounds silly when you say it, and it sounds silly when I talk about feeling that way. But it’s so hard not to think that just because of one thing that I have said, all his feelings will change. Over-analytical to the max…and I have found the only way to quit it is to force myself. 🙂 When I realize that’s what I’m doing, I just have to take a break – go do something else. Go for a walk, do sudoku, talk to a friend, play with my dog…whatever. I’ve actually been seeing a counselor and we’re going to start tackling these obsessive negative thoughts. As soon as I decide I truly want to get rid of them!

I’ve only just started realizing that what I have been doing in past relationships has driven people away for the most part….the neediness, demands, insecurities. I trace these all back to expectations! So I am working (struggling!!) on releasing my expectations – being whole on my own and the person I am with is just a bonus. It is so much easier said than done, but we have to truly believe (and feel) that we will be alright even if boyfriend leaves for good tomorrow. If we’re worried about the relationship, it makes it hard to actually ENJOY and DO the relationship. You know? It’s like trying to force something. But you know this – because I think we are so on the same page regarding this stuff. SO yea….point being, I hear ya!!