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Jeff

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Viewing 15 posts - 31 through 45 (of 49 total)
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  • June 16, 2013 at 1:40 pm in reply to: I don't feel good about myself unless I am in a relationship #37020
    Jeff
    Participant

    Hi- I think there are a couple different things going on here that you may want to explore a little deeper.

    Having a hard time moving forward when you break up after a long time together is not unexpected. I’m a year out from when my wife left and I still struggle with it. I think where the problem lies is that you continue to have contact with him when you don’t need to do so. You text him and talk to him, so of course those feelings you have are going to linger- he remains in your life. And honestly, he is seeing someone and saying he is scared and confused? Sounds more to me like he wants to keep his options open in case it doesn’t work out with the new girl He knows you’ll keep holding on, so why would he do anything different?

    In my opinion, you may want to consider seeing a counselor to help you find ways to cope with the situation. I also believe you may want to look at some codependency sites and see if any of those traits look familiar to you. And check some of the blogs on this site regarding relationships and letting go. The few weeks I’ve been on here have helped me so much to see I can’t stop living my life because I don’t like what has happened and want my wife to come back. Letting go of her is the hardest part of this, but it must be done. I don’t have to like what happened, but nothing will ever change the fact that it has.

    I’m sorry you have to go through this because it is a lousy feeling. I know how low the lows can go. But you can find balance and perspective. Keep looking forward and know that even if you take a step back, it is still a step in the right direction because it gives you a new way to look at things. Good luck!

    June 15, 2013 at 10:14 am in reply to: Beat up by life #36942
    Jeff
    Participant

    If there is one place where I have been fortunate in all of this, it is in my boss at work. She has been supportive since this all happened and gives me what amount of time I need, whenever I need it, for appointments and therapy sessions. I think the difficulties for me are that these things come in wave after wave, so I never get a chance to gain some equilibrium before the next thing happens.

    I guess all I can do is keep going.

    June 14, 2013 at 8:16 am in reply to: Dealing with someone who doesn't want to be with you.. #36898
    Jeff
    Participant

    I think there are a couple separate things going on here. First, you want more than he does out of a relationship. He has made that very clear. And he really has no incentive to do anything because right now he gets to be with you when he feels like it, and when he doesn’t he’s busy “figuring things out”. I’m not saying this to be cruel, but I strongly suspect that “figuring things out” includes dating other women. So, the real question is- is that what you are willing to put up with in this relationship, because he has no intention of changing.

    Second- I think you need to look after you and not have him in your life if you truly can’t accept that he will never commit. That would mean cutting off contact with him completely because you will not be able to start healing if he is bouncing in and out when he wants to. Immerse yourself in your college life and enjoy. Meet friends, go to games and plays and concerts, meditate and spend some alone time to learn that you can exist and be OK even when you’re not in a relationship. And look at some of the blogs on this about relationships and also about changes and challenges. They give some great insightful ideas on things to help you keep balanced and work through the hurt.

    June 12, 2013 at 2:03 pm in reply to: In Need of Support on Long Term Relationships & Spiritual Practice #36809
    Jeff
    Participant

    When I first separated from my wife (about a year ago) I read a book called Forgive For Love by Fred Luskin. He talked about something called the Unenforceable Rule and it really struck home for me. Basically the Unenforceable Rule is that you can want somebody to do something, but you set yourself up because you get angry or upset or whatever when they don’t do what you want. In your case, you have created a “rule” (wanting him to change certain things in his life) that he doesn’t want to do for whatever reason. And now, you are upset because you can’t enforce a rule when he really doesn’t want to do it. So you beat yourself up and get upset because he isn’t doing something that you have no true control over.

    At the end of the day, you may need to make a decision- is his refusal to make those changes enough to derail the relationship or is it something you can learn to live with? Chances are really strong that he won’t make any serious changes until he truly wants to do it for himself and not just to please you or make you happy.

    Thinking about the Unenforceable Rules made me come to terms with the idea that I couldn’t make her change what she does or thinks. All I could change was whether I got frustrated with her lack of changing or not.

    I hope that makes sense. Luskin describes it far better than I can. Good luck to you.

    June 12, 2013 at 1:29 pm in reply to: Making Small Lifestyle Changes vs. Crash Diets #36808
    Jeff
    Participant

    I’m a Weight Watcher guy. 38 pounds since last November and counting. The thing I like about WW is that it is so much more about portion control (and boring stuff like eat your fruit and vegetables!). It’s really not about dieting, it’s about changing the way you eat.

    June 12, 2013 at 12:34 pm in reply to: Do I let it go? #36804
    Jeff
    Participant

    Simple answer- yes.

    Longer answer- you have put yourself in a position where you are not going to be happy with any outcome. You can stay around her and be reminded all the time of the feelings you have but can’t express, or you can confess all and possibly ruin a marriage, or you can choose to love her enough to know you have to let her go from your life. I faced some of those feelings when my marriage of 19 years fell apart and my wife wanted to leave. I could make her feel guilty and she would stay and we would both be unhappy, or I could love her enough to let her go. I “lost” either way, but I had to let her walk away because it was the right thing to do- even though it has shattered me inside. It’s not always easy to make the “right” decision. At the end of the day, which one can you choose that will allow you to look in the mirror and know you did right by her and by you?

    As to how you might do that- I don’t know. I wish there was some magic answer because I could use it myself. Letting go is easy to preach, but incredibly difficult to do when you love someone. The best things I’ve found in the last year to help me have been my therapist and a lot of the blogs on this site. Read them and you may find some answers about how you want to make the move to let go.

    Good luck.

    • This reply was modified 11 years, 6 months ago by Jeff.
    June 12, 2013 at 6:26 am in reply to: Struggling #36792
    Jeff
    Participant

    I’ve suffered from depression for many years and I believe that yes- you are suffering from depression. The sleep patterns, lack of drive and enjoyment of things you used to enjoy. I know you are hesitant,but I do think you should get into a counselor of some sort. Even if you don’t goon meds, they will be able to help you sort through things and hopefully find some tools to help you move forward.

    That said- the people on this site are wonderful, generous folks with far more experience than me. I’ve learned a lot in the couple weeks I’ve been here. Best of luck to you!

    June 11, 2013 at 7:16 am in reply to: Beat up by life #36753
    Jeff
    Participant

    And just to prove that fate or karma or whatever isn’t quite done with me yet, someone smashed in the window of my drivers side door. And the clear sky predicted for today for my area? Yeah- it’s raining.

    I surrender!

    • This reply was modified 11 years, 6 months ago by Jeff.
    June 10, 2013 at 7:55 pm in reply to: Beat up by life #36729
    Jeff
    Participant

    Thank you both. I do keep a journal. One of the joys of trying to be a writer- I keep more than one journal. It’s a little odd to write 100 pages in a journal over the last month, so obviously this has weighed heavily on my mind. There are days when I think I’m doing OK,but then something small happens and I crash down again. Or something happens that leads me to think there may be a chance to get back together, or a chance to talk through things- whatever. I know I need to detach from her, but that seems impossible right now because we have 19 years of being together. It’s a lot of history to say “I’m no longer attached to you” and walk away from such a huge part of my world.

    I’m sure a time will come where I move forward, but I need it to be soon because I’m not sure how many more times I can hit the bottom.

    Anyway, thanks.

    June 9, 2013 at 6:26 am in reply to: Beat up by life #36606
    Jeff
    Participant

    I am amazed at the compassion and understanding from everyone here- although I guess maybe I shouldn’t be! Thank you all so much.

    June 8, 2013 at 6:09 pm in reply to: Beat up by life #36596
    Jeff
    Participant

    I have my three kids, but that is what worries me. I feel bad that they have to see their father being so depressed and hurting- they deserve a dad who will be with them and show them a good life. I’m so afraid I can’t give that to them in the state I’m in.

    I’ve tried meditation- I never can seem to get the hang of that. I’ve tried the calming music, the finding good in a bad thing, changing up habits, getting out more, getting back into my writing. I know there is a mindset issue, but I simply do not know how to let these thing go and be in the moment. I keep hoping to find that one book or site that gives me the key. Intellect gets in the way of doing, I think.

    June 5, 2013 at 4:23 am in reply to: end of a marriage #36487
    Jeff
    Participant

    Kirsty- you hit that guilt thing right! Part of the way I was raised where we kids were made to feel guilty over just about everything. Guilt is one of those things you work on,but it’s so deeply entrenched that it takes constant reminders in my head.

    June 4, 2013 at 6:23 am in reply to: Helping Child Cope with Anxiety/Divorce #36434
    Jeff
    Participant

    Kids handle divorce so differently that it’s hard to find any “good” way to handle things. My oldest (18 years old) already had some depression issues and felt like she needed to be the care giver for her siblings. We’ve worked hard with her to see that it is not her duty to do that, and she has been great about seeing a counselor at school. My middle child (my son who is 15) is the quiet one who keeps it all inside. He refuses to see anyone, talk to anyone (including friends), and keeps pretty much to himself. Yet, this was his best school year ever and he’s blossomed as a student and a person- so it’s hard to know what to do there. My youngest is 13 and she is the emotional one, so she has been clinging to either parent and I think struggles the most with the idea of the family being split up. And yet, once we split, the tension was out of the house and the kids were able to relax some.

    I don’t know your full situation, but if you and your ex are on decent enough grounds, then perhaps the two of you can approach her together to let her know your concerns. It shows her that even if you’re divorced you both put your concerns for your daughter first. And I would suggest talking to the school she attends- teachers and the school counselor. I know the school year is pretty much over, but do that in the fall. We did that wiith all our kids and it paid off when a teacher contacted us because he knew there were issues at home and it was affecting our oldest daughter’s concentration at school. From there we worked with the teacher, the school counselor, and my daughter to get her back on track. The only other thing is to keep an eye out for if she really starts acting out in school or social situations. And if it does start acting out, then work together with your ex to get her into a counselor whether she wants to or not. She’s a minor and really doesn’t have a choice in the matter. My youngest daughter resisted, but we made her go. Once she went in, the counselor (who specialized in children and divorce) got her to start talking and crying because she finally couldn’t hold it in any longer. The counselor told us afterwards that they only said a couple sentences once my daughter got going- not a big shock with my chatty youngest!

    Sorry- I wish I had better ideas to offer, but kids react so differently. Just as there is with the adults, kids will find a way to help them move forward. It’s just that sometimes we have to give them a gentle shove in the right direction. Good luck to you. I know how tough this is.

    June 4, 2013 at 5:44 am in reply to: end of a marriage #36430
    Jeff
    Participant

    Thanks Kirsty!

    I totally agree with you about the kids- it’s one thing both of us have strived to do during all of this. My STBX and I have a pretty good relationship (all things considered). We’re both products of divorce ourselves and both had lousy situations put on us by our own parents, so we both went into the split knowing how vital it was to manage to stay at least cordial. My parents split was so bitter and venomous that over 30 years later they couln’t be in the same room. Her parents also have a very unhealthy relationship where neither has emotionally moved on. I figure we need to stay on friendly terms. After all, we’re going to see each other the rest of our lives at brthdays, graduations, weddings, etc. It’s why I’m so concerned about the kids being nothing but statistics. Both sets of our parents divorce and now we do. All the studies pretty much concur that we’re setting our own children up to continue to perpetuate the cycle unless we can do something to break it. No, that’s not a reason for us to stay together- I’ll never do it “for the kids” but I so desperately need them to understand that you shouldn’t just walk away and not try to work on things either. That’s hard when it’s exactly what she did.

    Anyway- thanks for the message. It helps to know others go through this too. As for life after divorce- I don’t know. I still am not seeing how I’m coming out of this a “better” person or that there is a life for me. I guess maybe with time.

    June 2, 2013 at 10:12 am in reply to: Everyone Has A Purpose In The Universe That Only They Can Fulfill. #36357
    Jeff
    Participant

    I like that idea that we all have something unique and specific for each of us in our lives. I sometimes wonder if my struggles are a journey leading me to somethung out there I haven’t figured out yet. I guess all you can do is keep pushing ahead even when things are not going your way.

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