Dear ANITA and Teak,

“How did it feel, to be alone in Europe??”

I felt good i felt like a bird ..i felt  happy, free ,full of potential ..thats because i could go out without having to worry about  “those eyes of men which used to gaze me ” ,or passing sexual comment ,being harrassed ,not to care what my older relative say about my cloths (normal jean and shirt which is also not allowed to wear )..

“how did you manage financially, not having a family back in India that was able to financially support you???”

To answer this i want to tell a small background ,a turning point of our family , Power of a thought / Power of Education and most importantly  How  our culture or caste played a important role here ..

as i wrote earlier :

“I felt like an unwanted child or were treated in that way from my siblings,i m sure they loved me alot but in my society ( generally) its easy to criticise than  show love /appreciation.So they (My Siblings)were mostly not aware to show me that”

So

My Dad wanted us all to be educated even when he couldnt afford to buy books for us sometimes ..but he managed and  my elder sis went till uni ( was doing her Master ) when my dad was sick or even before that when we were facing  financial problems my sister started financially supporting us  by giving tuition classes or doing teaching ..Our days started being better when all my elder sister giving tuition classes or teaching in school along with completing their own Studies .they were not only arranging their own expenses but also supporting younger siblings like me .we were not that much broke .our circumtances started to improve  but after dads sickness we were again struggling emotionally ,mentally after learning that there is no treatment (at that time) .

So they started saving for their marriage ,in my culture we love to keep Gold ,so they started making Gold for their own marriage by their savings .. And in my culture unlike other cultures Girls dont pay Dowry but it was opposite ..in our culture a men need to arrange a house (Furniture) before marrying ,he has to give Gold as gift, 20-25 dresses , and must take all the expense of food for the guests of bride family ..Girls are not burden to their family in my culture but for that society somehow they think only son can become the support of the family .thats the mentality  .. they were getting married as they were educated ,beautiful without any financial problem with their own approval without pressure ..

my sis was spending more money on our (my and other siblings) Education .she wanted us to have a good career .and when i was in college she decided she will send me abroad for studies…she sold her Savings (Gold ) and also my other sister contributed with their Savings , taking loans.. as i landed here i had enough blocked money for my first year so i started working here ,doing Student jobs waitress, working in backery, or production companies  ( as i learnt German language and i am advanced in it ,i started getting better jobs ) so i finance myself and sometimes my family by sending money to my mom  or sis but she doesnt want me to do that ..

thats why i wrote there

“i m sure they loved me alot but in my society ( generally) its easy to criticise than  show love /appreciation.So they (My Siblings)were mostly not aware to show me that”

So i work here and finance my self ..in my uni break i try to work full time and during semester i work part time and do some Savings …

Turning Point of our Life was, after these years of Struggle of my family and specially my mom , dad and my eldest sis .Today we are far better than financially  other relatives ,or cousins . they respect us alot .my all sis got married.

.My cousin who dint like my face when i was child ,used to insult me  ,he is very sweet to me now ,when i go to my country he comes specially to meet me ,if i just desire to go for a picnic, he would ask me again and again,if  i wanna go there and  his Auto is ready to take me and my family for picnic .where.( in my childhood i saw him insulting my mom or me for sitting in his vehicle or we dint get any seat ) i absorbed all those things ,i was very sensitive in my childhood..my mom’s cousin who dint offer tea to me ,when i go to her, she becomes happy to see me now  and insist me to come to her ..shedoesnt hide tea now ,she makes specially for me ..this is how money changes behaviour of others ..

and  one of my brother in Law ,who said me when i was  13_14 that we( daughters )  and our educaation are responsible of my dad’s Alzheimer disease..i was hurt on that day alot…but Guess what he is so good to me now..

and in this locked down ,that was my family (my other sis ) who were trying to financially support my those cousins ,who would always looked down on us..

i dont know why i have this feeling  of “Guilt” inside me ,and i have no idea but thats what i decided when i was young..i decided if i will be in place of these people who are mistreating me based on my family circumtances or because i m Girl i will never do ,what i m experiencing ,i will never let any one to go through the “hurt” ,  “discrimination” which i saw in childhood .poor or rich ,black or white specially to childerns …

in this current situation of bf ,i felt guilty because i saw him financially broke and dint want to hurt him in this situation, again i dint want to be  one of  that person ( people mistreating me for being poor)  ..so i assumed what if the feelings are fading because he is financially broke now and like some girls ,Money attracts a person ..( what if i m a Gold Digger).. i feel guilty of leaving/losing (feelings) him in the situation where he is already facing alot of other problems..

dear Anita,

thank you so much for your reply ..

as u wrote “to not hurt this man’s feelings, you will have to …say and do what he wants you to say and do, for as long as he does? Do you give up who you are and who you want to be so to be who this man wants you to be, for as long as he does? ”

the thing is i cant fake things.i m very bad at hiding things i mean i cant i feel like i m betraying him or lying…i m fully aware which behaviour or affection wont hurt him but i can just do acting and say things which i dont mean…

yesterday in the video call conversation he asked me whats wrong and i couldnt reply .he was hurting i was hurting  too..than he asked ,if i m not having feelings for him i said yes … he started crying i was saying :i m really sorry ,i m trying ,i dont know what to do i was saying again n again..i have been trying i started to cry and i couldnt stop in that video call…and i was saying i m really Sorry..he said: take your time and you will be okey till than he will wait and tolerate … i said: ok

In other words, do you sacrifice you/ give up on you, so to not hurt his feelings?

no.i shouldnt be giving up or sacrificing my self  if i m nt having love for him or not  happy .because he deserve someone who loves him and i deserve to be happy too .if i m not in love with him now ,i wont be myself around him  and he wont be happy too ..if he knows i m not happy …

why do i feel as if i m wrong thats why i m unable to feel that love for him?even though it all started with his being careless ..

dear teak;

“I am not saying these three men are the same, because the first sounds pretty scary, while the other two boyfriends seem more normal. But all of them had financial issues and needed your help, and I don’t think it’s a coincidence. What do you think?”

the first crazy bf was financially stable but was still living at my place for more than 6 months without contributing for rent ..he used to bring grocery which wasnt much of his part..and when i wanted to break up his real face came out threatening etc..and i became financially broke while he was demanding money from me by saying that i have to pay him his every single penny ,(which he spent on me )..and i wasnt working as he was sick so i needed to take care of him ..go for work ,study take classes while he was sitting all the time in my apartment and playing “pubg game “..i ended up financially broke ,depressed, failed in exams which led to visa problem all in one time but than i took my courage and hope and built myself again so that i never go through the same heartache again.. my worst time but best lesson .

well

yes i am financially independent as i m working part time as a Student .but i dont earn much and i mostly try to save without spending it anywhere else but if someone is in need i try to help …

.may be thats what attracts these guys are that i wont be ( burden)dependent on them in any way ,and still they can spend  good time without investing much (as i dont expect for beautiful expensive gifts from them) ..i dont know ,May be.

Dear Anita,

As you wrote “I suggest that you (1) let your long distance, sweet-talking boyfriend know that the long-distance relationship is over, and (2) that you consider getting to  know the man you mentioned/ other men as candidates for marriage, but get to know them for a long time non-sexually.”

I want to act upon your advice but i m so hurt myself even though em unhappy but i dont want to hurt him… My this Cold reaction toward my bf is just hurting him and i m also hurt… I feel like i m very disturb i start crying and want to cry by thinking how can i hurt someone feelings who apparently haven’t done any thing wrong ….just irresponsible and lazy and this long distance…

On the other hand i dont want to betray him/ cheat by knowing the other guy even non-sexually.. I m not good at lying and hiding things…

I m stuck and don’t knw how to to what i should do…

Dear Anita,

Thank you so much for your reply..

But i feel as if i dint explain you in proper way what i meant by these “bad timing or patterns” or “judging him “…

I meant these more in repetitive “irresponsible and careless behaviour”  and “taking wrong decisions” and depending too much on others for their opinion or support “..and i gave u few examples after observing his problem…

My observation was that, He doesnt take things seriously and acts lazy..take some very poor decisions which made him financially broke and in trouble ( example was consequences of deportation, as he dint even inform the foreign office about his address + if they were nt responding, he was too lazy to go there ask about his visa status, or email them ) and he hires a lawyer for visa issue.. I m still confused what will lawyer do to extending a student visa???

.. According to him.. His situation isn’t changing.and he is always left with no money… Because all goes to rent etc..

My observation is that he is doing nothing to change this apart from complaining..

If i go through same situation financially broke like him abroad i will go crazy become mentally disturbed..

Me helping him financially was one time help from me… He never asked for that but i felt i should be doing and i would even do it for a friend or stranger.. If i see someone i cant help myself…

Are these some real problem?

Because he is otherwise a sweetheart… Always loving caring, sweet… But i m very turned off by his these issues..

Should i be more supportive?? Or should i move on.. Do u think if my future with this “long distance lover”  can be full of mess.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by Peace.

Dear Anita,

thank you so much for your reply.

what should i do in this situation ?

he is very sweet and kind ..i feel he has a beautiful heart…i dont want to hurt him ..

i also dont understand .how he is so normal in this situation ..he is talking still very nicely, kin.how can sombody who comes to know about deportation news be so normal…

u think if this relationship worth my time and energy? i cant think clearly as i m emotionally involved.

• Dear Anita and Noor

I m 100% sure that he has given divorced because i heard him on call with his sis and also my best friend show me proof of his divorce before our dating…

A small update.

As i was very Messed up from last few days thinking about whole situation… I wasnt talking to him alot… Yesterday we talked on call and i told him the reason of my being upset… Then he wrote me, “if u are so tensed about me and being pressurised by ur family about other proposal, thn its better if u dont upset ur family for me…if you are in my luck ee will definitely meet”

I was so devastated… That he selected this option for me.. I wrote him back ( emotionally) “i dint know you will give up on me so easily and i dont believe in luck that much but incase if you are in my luck i dont want u to come again in my life because i dont want to be wd smbdy who can give up on me in the name of luck or situation… And i told him i m not going to contact him ” nd i told him that”  i might block you not because ii m upset wd you but because i want to forget you.. Good luck…”

I don’t knw if i wrote smthing wrong or not but thn he texted me” Wow Thank you so much ”

Did i messed up with my reaction to his text…

• This reply was modified 4 years, 3 months ago by Peace.

Hello Anita..

All i m asking from you is that how to solve this mess.. What do u think what should i be doing..

My bf (29) of 2 months, who needs time to (almost one year) to finish his unfinished work from last marriage…so that he can marry me or talk to my family… Before that he cant.

Me (24)  on the other hand being asked by family to accept our family friends son, who is one of my good friend andwhose brother is also my sis’s Fiance.

I have no idea what to say my family… And should i accept or reject him.. Because my 2 months of bf is not ready to take a stand so soon..and want me to wait. What if my relationship doesn’t work… After a year..

The third thing which is stressing me is that he is my best friend’s room mate.. And when my bf stays at my place i start to think how will he be thinking about me.

I m very upset with my bf because i dint ask him for anything. I m independent, financially independent, having my own apartment, doing my studies, doing job, having my own visa…

Even with my visa i can sponsor him as he doesnt have proper visa.he works full time and his 80 % salary goes for installment of the house which he is buying… I m willing to help him in every way whenever he needs me…

Sometimes i feel he just listens me but doesn’t understand me….