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  • in reply to: bad timing or patterns? #376121

    Dear anita,

    That’s right… Unfortunately thats me… I cant access my that email anymore i lost passwords… Nor that account…

    J was the  one who was having alot of relationship one after one and having heartaches but then i started taking time knowing people.. In my current relationship we took more than 1 month just talking casual to know each other without romantic stuff but still ending up like this…

    Now my question is what if i m the one who is wrong? Like for my current relationship everything was going great but i turned off…

    I m hurting him and i m sorry for that and i m hurting my self…



    in reply to: bad timing or patterns? #376116

    dear teak;

    “I am not saying these three men are the same, because the first sounds pretty scary, while the other two boyfriends seem more normal. But all of them had financial issues and needed your help, and I don’t think it’s a coincidence. What do you think?”


    the first crazy bf was financially stable but was still living at my place for more than 6 months without contributing for rent ..he used to bring grocery which wasnt much of his part..and when i wanted to break up his real face came out threatening etc..and i became financially broke while he was demanding money from me by saying that i have to pay him his every single penny ,(which he spent on me )..and i wasnt working as he was sick so i needed to take care of him ..go for work ,study take classes while he was sitting all the time in my apartment and playing “pubg game “..i ended up financially broke ,depressed, failed in exams which led to visa problem all in one time but than i took my courage and hope and built myself again so that i never go through the same heartache again.. my worst time but best lesson .


    yes i am financially independent as i m working part time as a Student .but i dont earn much and i mostly try to save without spending it anywhere else but if someone is in need i try to help …

    .may be thats what attracts these guys are that i wont be ( burden)dependent on them in any way ,and still they can spend  good time without investing much (as i dont expect for beautiful expensive gifts from them) ..i dont know ,May be.



    in reply to: bad timing or patterns? #376112

    Dear Teak and Dear Anita,

    Anita “He gave you his Word and broke his word to you repeatedly- that’s something wrong that he has done to you repeatedly”

    yes Anita that true its wrong thats why i am so turned off by this .and you are right ..may be my ending contact with him doesnt effect him much i m thinking ..I am trying to communicate to him ,he already knows that my feelings changed for him now..i m trying to communicate to him in better way and trying to overcome this and let it go as soon as possible ..



    sorry this post is going to be long .

    Teak wrote “do you want to follow tradition and indeed get married as soon as possible, because that’s what’s expected from you.”No.I dont really wanna follow tradition and marry ASAP but i also dont want to waste my time, emotions and Energy on wrong person.”Or you want to give yourself time to meet the right guy – someone whom you really like and respect and feel you can rely on?” YES .i really wanna take my time to meet the right guy and know him very well before going ahead..

    and thank you so much for your advice ..i m thinking about it ..

    about my EX.relationship :(from thread)

    i met him on 3rd to 4th meeting i started to have doubts about the person as he was just talking all about himself all the time but i ignored all my  my gut feelings ..yes i felt ashamed, of him being there at my place most of time whenever he is free ..staying nights weekends and talking on first date about marriage ..etc ..but hesitating to take stand for me , when i was being pressured from home ..

    in my last relationship (which was described in 7 months ago thread) i was carrying alot of baggage of my previous (toxic relationship) which made me insecure ,doubted my self worth, where a father of two sons ,10 years older than men (my ex) calling  me names Prostitute , Gold Digger , made me financially broke, harrassed and blackmailed me , threatend to destroy me  ..called my friends and saying that i m Prostitute  and was torturing me in any or every way ..he was/is a jerk and i became insecure that any guy is ready to sleep with me but when it comes for commitment / taking Stand  no Guy will do ..may be these all experiences made me feel like or let me act the way i was acting being pressured to be in a marriage etc ..

    but eventually i realized that no i dont really just want a marriage .i want to be happy ,heard ,seen in relationship and broke up with him (before 7 months thread related

    Now about current Situation:” I got one very good proposal last month through a friend who is in uk.. But i rejected it but without giving it any thought, i rejected it as i thought i have bf … I told my bf about proposal he got very upset.(here i referred the proposal which came for me ) So I asked him to talk to his mom about our proposal he said he will do in 2-3 days.. And till today i got 0 update about this..ths happend 2 more times”

    and he was getting upset for any proposal which was coming for me and my saying to him was, its normal as i m in that Stage of my life.

    As i m not the same me to him from last few days or week so i got response before 2 days from him  that he sent my picture to his mom.

    in this long distance relationship i just met once before two months (non-sexual)  but we were communicating all the time for hours and i felt everything is great .i saw the very first red sign when he claimed he will do something -he gave me surety and asked me to “dont worry “it will be done and he will take care of it .. after 3-4 weeks  it couldnt be done and his reaction was very normal ,no further efforts and very cold reaction those 3-4 weeks i was asking about updates that a bit important for me and that was first time i gave him something to take care or he claimed to do ..

    this happend again ..

    and again about talking to mom ..

    i started thinking what if he just good at talking and when it comes to do something he isnt doing anything..than i started to observe his messy circumtances i saw the same .. his financial issues , education problem and visa issue it all created by delaying to act …being irresponsible and not caring at all was a pattern of irresponsible behaviours and depending on others ..

    i got disappointed and emotionally hurt and i started turning off  that he gives his words but no action.

    “thats why i wrote in my first post , am i judging him ?? or are these bad timing or patterns??

    i am a human being its possible i can be  wrong here about this ..and many more but patterns dont lie ..


    i will really appreciate your Reply and your thoughts about all the situation..

    • This reply was modified 7 months, 1 week ago by Peace.
    in reply to: bad timing or patterns? #376081

    Dear Anita,

    As you wrote “I suggest that you (1) let your long distance, sweet-talking boyfriend know that the long-distance relationship is over, and (2) that you consider getting to  know the man you mentioned/ other men as candidates for marriage, but get to know them for a long time non-sexually.”

    I want to act upon your advice but i m so hurt myself even though em unhappy but i dont want to hurt him… My this Cold reaction toward my bf is just hurting him and i m also hurt… I feel like i m very disturb i start crying and want to cry by thinking how can i hurt someone feelings who apparently haven’t done any thing wrong ….just irresponsible and lazy and this long distance…

    On the other hand i dont want to betray him/ cheat by knowing the other guy even non-sexually.. I m not good at lying and hiding things…

    I m stuck and don’t knw how to to what i should do…


    in reply to: bad timing or patterns? #375987

    Dear Anita,

    How are you? Hope you doing great..

    I want to be supportive to him but i dont know why i m so disappointed and turned off..i dont enjoy talking to him or receiving his calls. I m feeling guilty about it for that

    This  reaction of mine is upsetting me as well as i dont want to hurt him  Yes he loves me alot… He cares for me. He want to see me smiling, happy try to make me laugh… 24/7 romantic..but irresponsible.. Does for a loving relationship all these romantic things are enough?? Like being sweet, saying sweet things, texting, video calling, saying miss you nd love you… Will these stuff be enough for our for our happy future life? Or is marriage more than such words, affection??

    Or am i wasting my time once again??

    As i m mid of 25 years old its is the time when we get pressure to get marry…

    And start to recieve proposals.. I got one very good proposal last month through a friend who is in uk.. But i rejected it but without giving it any thought, i rejected it as i thought i have bf … I told my bf abt proposal he got very upset.. I asked him to talk to his mom about our proposal he said he will do in 2-3 days.. And till today i got 0 update about this..ths happend 2 more times… He says something but doesnt happen…


    On the other hand a guys asked me that he is interested to know me as he is finding someone for marriage, and wanna see if there is any compatibility between us , if its okey for me?( as he doesnt know that i have a long distance bf nor i told him that ). I still dint reply him and i dont knw what to say.. This guy is of  my same caste and working here in another city 20 – 30 mints away from me..he helped me by being my sponsor ( he issued for me a letter of sponsorship)  for my visa, as my visa officer was very rude and making alot of troubles and wasnt accepting my work contract and almost 6k euro blocked bank amount.. He saved me in that situation. I met him twice Wht i know that he is straight forward men..

    What will be best to do in this situation?

    Keep supporting my bf and continue the relationship.. May be things gets better?

    Or choose to know the other guy?

    I will  be waiting for your reply and will really appreciate it anita.










    in reply to: bad timing or patterns? #375953

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you so much for your reply..

    But i feel as if i dint explain you in proper way what i meant by these “bad timing or patterns” or “judging him “…

    I meant these more in repetitive “irresponsible and careless behaviour”  and “taking wrong decisions” and depending too much on others for their opinion or support “..and i gave u few examples after observing his problem…

    My observation was that, He doesnt take things seriously and acts lazy..take some very poor decisions which made him financially broke and in trouble ( example was consequences of deportation, as he dint even inform the foreign office about his address + if they were nt responding, he was too lazy to go there ask about his visa status, or email them ) and he hires a lawyer for visa issue.. I m still confused what will lawyer do to extending a student visa???

    .. According to him.. His situation isn’t changing.and he is always left with no money… Because all goes to rent etc..

    My observation is that he is doing nothing to change this apart from complaining..

    If i go through same situation financially broke like him abroad i will go crazy become mentally disturbed..


    Me helping him financially was one time help from me… He never asked for that but i felt i should be doing and i would even do it for a friend or stranger.. If i see someone i cant help myself…


    Are these some real problem?

    Because he is otherwise a sweetheart… Always loving caring, sweet… But i m very turned off by his these issues..

    Should i be more supportive?? Or should i move on.. Do u think if my future with this “long distance lover”  can be full of mess.



    • This reply was modified 7 months, 1 week ago by Peace.
    in reply to: bad timing or patterns? #375922

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>Dear Anita,</p>
    I got your point here but how could a person be 24/7 available nd sweet nd telling me he loves me misses me all the time… Doesn’t it mean he loves me?? He almost contacts me after 1-2 hours directly video call…and these video calls goes very long…

    On the other hand if he is only after money he wouldn’t be with a girl who is financially not so good for 3 years “in long Distance *

    Nd i sent him money even before  visiting him.. And then when i went to visit he dint have money too…


    .. Now days i feel its too much and get distracted alot by these sweet calls..





    • This reply was modified 7 months, 1 week ago by Peace.
    • This reply was modified 7 months, 1 week ago by Peace.
    in reply to: bad timing or patterns? #375919

    Dear Anita,

    thank you so much for your reply.

    what should i do in this situation ?

    he is very sweet and kind ..i feel he has a beautiful heart…i dont want to hurt him ..

    i also dont understand .how he is so normal in this situation ..he is talking still very nicely, can sombody who comes to know about deportation news be so normal…

    u think if this relationship worth my time and energy? i cant think clearly as i m emotionally involved.






    in reply to: Frustration in relationship #363121

    Sending them money for living expenses isn’t alot it might be 8%-10% of his salary.. Nd i m okey wd that


    in reply to: Frustration in relationship #363120
    • Dear Anita and Noor

    I m 100% sure that he has given divorced because i heard him on call with his sis and also my best friend show me proof of his divorce before our dating…

    A small update.

    As i was very Messed up from last few days thinking about whole situation… I wasnt talking to him alot… Yesterday we talked on call and i told him the reason of my being upset… Then he wrote me, “if u are so tensed about me and being pressurised by ur family about other proposal, thn its better if u dont upset ur family for me…if you are in my luck ee will definitely meet”

    I was so devastated… That he selected this option for me.. I wrote him back ( emotionally) “i dint know you will give up on me so easily and i dont believe in luck that much but incase if you are in my luck i dont want u to come again in my life because i dont want to be wd smbdy who can give up on me in the name of luck or situation… And i told him i m not going to contact him ” nd i told him that”  i might block you not because ii m upset wd you but because i want to forget you.. Good luck…”

    I don’t knw if i wrote smthing wrong or not but thn he texted me” Wow Thank you so much ”


    Did i messed up with my reaction to his text…

    • This reply was modified 1 year, 2 months ago by Peace.
    in reply to: Frustration in relationship #363084

    I felt very disappointed when i asked him for doing a marriage contract without ceremony and he said he doesn’t want to do any marriage before 2 years.and that he has issues of previous marriage which he needs to finish first..

    He wants to spend his most of the time with me, plans for everything, ready to move in wd me, going for outing with me, but when asked for a contract..he gave priority to that house nd the issues he will be facing.. I feel like i m asking alot from him so early in relationship. Which is ruining and creating conflicts between two of us alot…and destroying this thing.. (And doing marriage contract was very emotional decision, even i would have done that earlier but felt very odd)

    But we spend alot of time togather.. It doesnt feel we are in beginning of it…







    • This reply was modified 1 year, 2 months ago by Peace.
    • This reply was modified 1 year, 2 months ago by Peace.
    in reply to: Frustration in relationship #363083

    Hello Anita..

    All i m asking from you is that how to solve this mess.. What do u think what should i be doing..

    My bf (29) of 2 months, who needs time to (almost one year) to finish his unfinished work from last marriage…so that he can marry me or talk to my family… Before that he cant.

    Me (24)  on the other hand being asked by family to accept our family friends son, who is one of my good friend andwhose brother is also my sis’s Fiance.

    I have no idea what to say my family… And should i accept or reject him.. Because my 2 months of bf is not ready to take a stand so soon..and want me to wait. What if my relationship doesn’t work… After a year..

    The third thing which is stressing me is that he is my best friend’s room mate.. And when my bf stays at my place i start to think how will he be thinking about me.

    I m very upset with my bf because i dint ask him for anything. I m independent, financially independent, having my own apartment, doing my studies, doing job, having my own visa…

    Even with my visa i can sponsor him as he doesnt have proper visa.he works full time and his 80 % salary goes for installment of the house which he is buying… I m willing to help him in every way whenever he needs me…

    Sometimes i feel he just listens me but doesn’t understand me….









    in reply to: Frustration in relationship #363027

    Hello Anita,

    Thank you for your response.. Yes he told me he needs time from me almost 1 year and 1.5 so that his ex issues finishes thn he can go ahead with me officially…

    I dint get your these lines  completely…

    You don’t owe him to be in a relationship with him, and you don’t owe your friend (his roommate) to be in a relationship with him,


    in reply to: Guilty or not? #362007

    Dear Anita,

    Sure i ll post… Thank you!


    in reply to: Guilty or not? #362004

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you so much for writing me back… Actually i read it but before even reading it..i told him about my previous relationship and also told him that i m not a virgin… He was  very okey with it and he also told me that he was in a marriage nd now divorced.

    Actually after knowing this about him i felt very comfortable wd him.. Nd i felt i m not only one who has a past..

    We are still togather…he tallks about us nd out future, he talks about our marriage that how and when he is thinking to do it. I conclude from his such talking that he is serious about us.. .. . I appreciate your time and energy for everytime for reading and replying my posts…

    Thank you ❤️


Viewing 15 posts - 31 through 45 (of 62 total)