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  • in reply to: bad timing or patterns? #383312

    Dear Anita,

    i am glad that you were doing fine ..hope you are still doing fine in that hot temperature there.

    i took some good mental rest ūüôā

    Thank you so much for that long Post .it really helped me .it helped me to understand my situation and confusions better .i read it more than 5-6 times and each time i tried to digest every single thing that you wrote on that thread for me …thank yoou for time and efforts makes a lot of difference ..

    i am still taking some rest and it has almost improved negative thoughts are gone ..the feeling of emptiness just improved .. that was your post , which helped me to see  my current situation differently.


    As you wrote :”By the time phase 6 came about,¬† you forgot that there is a man present in your life who listens to you, cares for you, respects you and wants to marry you. It is as if he disappeared, and other people from your past replaced him, people who did not (and do not) listen to you, care for you, etc”


    thats true ..i forgot ..even while sharing this with him, i dint even mention to him that how i appreciate him , for him being there for me as a person and i ignored him ..i really regret it later… and felt very much bad ..he dint say anything he just listen to me carefully whatever i was saying him when i remember this moment i feel respect for him about this …

    Dear @TeaK  thank you for your Post ..and how are you ?

    i hope you are doing good.


    ‚Äúdo you want to marry so soon (by the end of the year), or you were thinking to graduate from the university first?”

    i think for me .YES i would go for it if i love the person and if the relationship feels right to me..the¬† only thing which disturb me is that¬† my family that¬† they are going have issues with him (about which me and Anita also talked about in previous Threads)..and i don’t want that someone rejects my choice based on caste or looks .these caste and beauty standards makes me upset and what i know is ,if i talk to them about him ,they might bring my study in between this proposal ,not because they want me to graduate before getting marry but because they won’t think this Guy is (caste – wise)¬† compatible for me and they¬† will ask me to complete my education¬† because they have invested for my studies or the ( what will people say) etc¬† …if it wasn’t him and it was any other guy of my caste , most probably¬† they will not stop me during my studies to get marry¬† him for me it is a stressful situation




    • This reply was modified 11 months, 1 week ago by Peace.
    in reply to: bad timing or patterns? #383161

    Dear Anita ,

    Thank you for your Time¬† and POST …i hope you are doing well..

    i read the most recent post and was also following some of other post from other members ..

    i still dint talk to my sister about him..

    “Peace, you brought his words to your thread for me and others to read, thank you.” i was very glad to read that u r welcome ..

    while we were discussing here about the topic of marriage and how to convince my family  . he asked me about marriage and that he wish to marry me soon even before end of this year if possible .. i told him give me some time to think (as i have already exams next month )..

    my heart raced that moment i felt anxious¬† .after some hours i started to think about the future and marriage and was happy about it ..the next 3 days i was thinking all day different ways to convince my family ..literally all the time even if i woke up middle of night it was on my mind …i felt tired and exhausted and had¬† headaches…now from last few days i m emotionally numb ..i m not feeling anything and feeling like depressed and such thoughts are coming:

    nobody loves me or want me .

    i have no friends.

    my family doesnt care for me .

    my mom doesnt talk to me that i m so alone in this world ..

    i have no one .

    do i really like him( new Guy)?

    do i really want to marry him ?


    i started to question my¬† feelings for him ..yesterday we went out and i was just questioning all the things in my brain because i wasnt present and was feeling empty …and i m so feeling bad that why i m feeling such way when he is a great guy …he is the person with whom i m having a healthy relationship who listens to me ,care for me , doesnt react when something doesnt goes according to plan ,respects me and respects my space and boundary..

    yesterday i sat with him and told him that i m getting some depressing thoughts which i mentioned here above¬† ¬†apart from empty feelings for him because i dint want to make him feel sad ….we hugged each other but i wasnt feeling anything .no emotions …i just wanted to come home ASAP ..

    Today is Eid ( a religious festival )..we meet and talk to family members¬† ,friends and everyone as i am far from all all i dont have any energy to talk to anyone …nor do i want to go and meet my family after exams even though the tickets are already booked .

    i am flat,empty ,numb all inside ..i feel like i m going toward depression .or may be something triggered me …

    i wasnt sure who could understand me and help me in this phase ..i hope i get some understanding and Help here ..

    Thank you …




    • This reply was modified 11 months, 2 weeks ago by Peace.
    in reply to: bad timing or patterns? #382790

    Dear Anita ;

    how are you ?

    thank you for your recent Post .it took me longer to write you back because of exams and job.

    as you wrote:

    “When considering a man to marry, it is not people/ strangers who will be living with him, it will be you who will be living with him day in and day out, every night for years to come.”

    thats soo true and thats  exactly what i told her when i first talked to her..and a  caste doesnt show that he is a nice  and compatible and vice versa .

    when i started to convince her by saying there is nothing upper or lower caste  by referencing those verses of Quran :

    “O mankind! We…made you into nations and tribes, that ye may know each other (not that ye may despise each other).”¬†(The Qur’an 49:13)

    and . “All mankind is from Adam and Eve, an Arab has no superiority over a non-Arab, nor a non-Arab has any superiority over an Arab; also a white has no superiority over black, nor a black has any superiority over white except by piety and good action.” (The last Sermon of Prophet Muhammad SAW)..

    after my convincing¬† she wasnt objecting much but she discouraged me to date him by saying you still have¬† time to find somebody else and better ….”you are still not a burden to us to let you marry him” … i felt as if he isnt¬† a human being , if¬† his grand parents were from other race (mixed -African)¬†…why is it so ? why are we so discriminated against people ,who are from other race/ culture?

    in my last LDR bf she dint even objected ..he was of my caste but couldn’t speak the language i used to talk to him in other language other than my mother tongue ..he was student ,wasn’t independent and was¬† irresponsible, young and imature¬† ¬†but she liked him,she even agreed to talk to her¬† because he was handsome ,and from “Our Caste” …

    its soo strange ..actually i m not talking about my sis alone ..i m refering to a Society ,where having some good character doesnt really matter .one need to be handsome ,from same caste and have some money…nothing else matter …its very sad unfortunetly…

    now the thing is ..i m very uncomfortable / scared to even talk to my family about him because it makes me feel really upset by hearing all those caste issues and hearing that “Dint you find anybody else??¬† ”¬† ..blah blah blaa…

    i dont want to tell him that about the mentalitity of my family or these so called “Uppar caste” people because in any case i dont want to make him feel uncomfortable and discriminated … what will be the best way to go for a marriage in that case with least Drama..??as they are educated but still practice such old values ..



    i thought i came in Europe i m atleast independent and can choose my partner wisely and my family are open minded but i feel they are not … i dont blame them for that because they still live in that society where (as you said) the values are very different ..



    in reply to: bad timing or patterns? #382685

    dear Anita  and Teak,

    thank you for your POSTs .

    “I didn‚Äôt count correctly (talking about ‚Äútiming .. patterns‚ÄĚ, from the title of your thread, lol): you are not 10 hours ahead of me, you are 9 hours ahead.”

    hahahha yes i too recounted was less than 10 hours hahha.

    “It seems like you are still in a long-distance relationship with the same guy you shared about back in April”

    No i broke up with my LDR¬† in mid March during my exams as it was stressing me out and upset …and faced some emotional guilt tripping as he was blaming me for ruining his life …

    and than i took some time to process all those things because i was disturbed and  seriously emotionally numb for some weeks ..i wasnt ready to enter into anything new .than in April i decided to talk to this new guy as he was away for vacation  and started seeing him in May as he came back ..

    yes it feels right and he is very respectfull and not rushy at all …i dont second guess his words and actions which i used to do in previous relationship and i m not anxious this time ..he rarely say something romantic but when he says, i want to trust him because i feel he really meant that ..

    Regarding marriage i m little concerned now ..i think in my life there is always one or another problem regarding relationships haahha..after all those messy relationships i m also tired of dramas and very selective and judmental when it comes to relationship …i felt about this guy that may be he is right one for me ..i shared to my sis about him casually ,but she objected ..according to her this new guy’s grandfathers were outsiders (from other race ) before 200 years or more …even though he speaks our language , same culture ,same city¬† ,same religion, everything is same ..but when it comes to marriage they are not acceptable are not¬† really from our caste according to her ..and she passed a racist comment which hurted me …i told her i dont care about class or these sub classes neither should you …but her concern are “what people will say ?” because this society thinks these people are inferior even in 2021 … i dont care about this society because i have seen the double standard¬† and Fakness of this society already ..she advised me to not talk to him and find someone else because you have still time to find someone better¬† ..¬† i was so disappointed ..

    and to be honest i have seen these so called superior class of my caste here where i m locating¬† ¬†and these people have no ambition in life and mostly are refugees .they are doing nothing but taking social help every month because most of them dont even want to work because they think so highly of themselves and those so called people wants nothing but sex¬† or¬† harrassed or made my life miserable …


    this new Guy was a student here ,he came here completed his studies ..doing his job living a decent life ..he is respectful , wants something real¬† like marriage..helpful and cares for me , responsible we enjoy each others company and much more …

    its very strange that these all thing doesnt matter in our country just the caste matter …actually sub caste and caste of grandfathers¬† also matters …i told my sister on call that “we are racist ” because she was willing to go for my brother proposal outside of our caste ,when i asked her ” why are you going there ? they are not from our caste people¬† ” so she replied ” but they are beautiful they have colourful eyes etc… ”

    its strange …i know as i talk about marriage, there will be a huge drama there in my family everyone will have this objection¬† … but to be honest my family wont care in long run, they wont¬† ..only out of 9 sister only 1¬† (this)sister call me once or twice in a week other calls me or text me after months ..They all are busy in their own life .yes¬† my brother calls me mostly because i want to talk to my mother but she doesnt call me too¬† ūüôĀ ..i even question myself , if they really care how am i doing here alone ….but i m sure they all wont be happy with this guy ..

    i m anxious about future and should i really be thinking about this caste issue ? i dont think it should matter ..





    in reply to: bad timing or patterns? #382663

    dear Anita ;

    oh i m sorry to hear about the heatwave .i dint hear about it .i hope you are doing good now .here ,where i m living the temperature is normal and cool almost raining all day long.

    Yes i would do that..hopfully i will get the appointment end of july.

    enjoy your walk ūüôā

    its 23:20 pm here 8 july here and its 2pm ..interesting


    in reply to: bad timing or patterns? #382661

    A small update:

    as i mentioned about a Guy in my previous post i m quoting here :

    “On the other hand a guys asked me that he is interested to know me as he is finding someone for marriage, and wanna see if there is any compatibility between us , if its okey for me?( as he doesnt know that i have a long distance bf nor i told him that ). I still dint reply him and i dont knw what to say.. This guy is of¬† my same caste and working here in another city 20 ‚Äď 30 mints away from me..he helped me by being my sponsor ( he issued for me a letter of sponsorship)¬† for my visa, as my visa officer was very rude and making alot of troubles and wasnt accepting my work contract and almost 6k euro blocked bank amount.. He saved me in that situation. I met him twice Wht i know that he is straight forward men..”


    so i m seeing ( trying to know him) from May this year almost 2 months ..we go out on weekends 1-2 times a week¬† and travel to other cities or countries , have some¬† coffee¬† / ice cream¬† , dinner. we spend time togather¬† we laugh ,tease each other and enjoy the¬† company and we like it .we are seeing each other in¬† non_sexual way ..we dint even kiss each other yet hahaha¬† ..we just hold each others hand when we go out …i dont invite him at my place nor does he..which i m liking it .. he is an introvert and it took him almost more than one month to hold my hand. he doesnt do all the sweet talks¬† but i see him doing the things which he should be doing ..and i really feel good inside and appreciate it .i like the consistancy and that i dont need to walk on egg shells while trying to talk to him or discuss to him something. he doesnt force me to do things which i cant do ..even while making plans he always ask me “when do you have time ? or if i m avaliable / or if possible than ” .. …i dont know why but i m feeling as if its right one this time ..its going slow but very calm as if there is no need to rush anything …i havent seen any such red flags yet ..

    what are your thoughts about this Anita ?

    in reply to: bad timing or patterns? #382659

    Dear Anita,

    i got my first shot of biotech and hopfully end of this month i will take my second shot ..

    Ya my preparation is going Good too. hopfully i will do my best this time again ūüôā




    in reply to: bad timing or patterns? #382658

    Dear Anita,

    i got my first shot of biotech and hopfully end of this month i will take my second shot ..

    Ya my preparation is going Good too. hopfully i will do my best this time again ūüôā



    in reply to: bad timing or patterns? #382656

    Hallo Anita,

    i just noticed your message¬† …it felt so good .. thank you ..

    i am good and Fine,  how about you ? Did you take your Corona  vaccination ?

    i have exams again next month ..see time flies haha ..i was just giving exams in march -April and i remember posting here on those days .


    in reply to: bad timing or patterns? #377419

    dear Anita and Teak ,

    thank you too take care of yourself …

    will be in touch ūüôā

    in reply to: bad timing or patterns? #377291

    Dear Teak and Anita ,

    thank you for your thoughts about my this 32 year old flatmate.. i stopped talking to him and i m feeling lighter in (Peace) and less disturb as i was before .unfortunately i dint choose him as my flatemate i m moving out and going back to my country to visit my mom and hopfully in my next flat (in end of june) wont be sharing .

    i want to share something which he said¬† to me and that disturb me for days .. when he was mad at me ,he said once, He cares for me alot but he doesnt see the same care from me toward him and he believes in “Karma” ,he than said , Maybe one day you will meet someone who you will care alot and he wont care about you at all .. ( i felt bad and scared and guilty¬† ) his these lines scared me but later i start thinking : if karma will hit me back because he cares for me and i dont ,than why was i suffering in past and unhappy in childhood whose karma was hitting me all those time, even i didnt hurt anyone¬† back than .


    thank you for recommending me the book ” Running on Empty” i have started reading it (as i m free after exams for a week) and i m finding it very interesting .as i can relate it alot..but what i feel after reading 95 pages out of 240 pages that my parents wasnt there emotionally for me .. i could relate to some stories like i never showed my school diary to my¬† parents ,siblings nor any of my family …i dint get that emotional part of me in childhood is a very good book i m gonna read it full and follow it, so that i can give my inner child (me) that emotional¬† (love )support¬† which she was missing¬† and overcome that emotional neglect.


    my now (ex) bf continuously trying to guilt tripp me but Fortunately i m not falling for it now and i m not Guilty ..

    thank you Anita and Teak to letting me know that its okey to choose myself and my Peace without being guilty or feeling wrong ..


    as Teak wrote: “You are¬†not guilty for not liking and not accommodating to selfish people who‚Äôd try to use you this or that way. You have the right to dislike them and to protect yourself and separate yourself from them, both physically and emotionally. ”

    i agree ..thats what i learnt from our conversations: if my mental health or myself get disturbed by someone or their actions , its okey to walk away without feeling guilty  ..i m going to keep it very simple  from now onwards by setting some boundaries .




    in reply to: bad timing or patterns? #377219

    Dear Anita,

    No anita..i dint have sex, or kissed or hugged him ever.. But i feel i should have distanced myself t, when he first proposed me…

    in reply to: bad timing or patterns? #377205

    dear Anita ,

    i was reading about “Guilt Tripping” and you are right , he was using this to make me feel bad so that i start the relation with him.. to be honest it is very disturbing experience ..

    i dont know if i should write here about a flatmate 32, who is now a good and close¬† friend of mine ( we are working at same place ).he is very sincere, honest¬† ,helpful (helped me everytime even without asking fot it ,cares for me etc).who likes me and loves me and proposed me , which i rejected by saying that ” i like him (as a friend) but i have different caste and i love somebody else( my ex) ”¬† and he knew that because i used to talk to my now (ex) bf¬† ..

    things got better for sometime after the rejection, but now turning very ugly and complicated¬† from last month ..he cant sleep ,as a friend i asked him several times so he told me because his family want him to get marry and he is unhappy about it ..and then he told me ,he cant sleep because he thinks about me all the time.( i was feeling very bad).but still he wants to care about me ,do things for me ( which i dont like and i m just frustrated now ) and make me realize again and again that he loves me etc.. he propose me alot of time ..even when his family was searching for a girl he was taking sleeping pills …i talked to him and said u dont need to marry if u are not ready..he told me ,the only solution of his problem is “Me”,and if i marry him or run away¬† ..i took this as a joke (lightly )

    again he asked me , “run away with me “…”lets do court marriage and dont tell your family (no one will know¬† ) i rejected ” and was confused …even though he knew i like/love¬† someone ( he knows nothing about my breakup ,because i dint want to give him any false hope that i m single ) but still asking me such things … asked me alot of time about moving in togather ,even he knows i have bf and as a society¬† we are not allowed to live alone in an apartment..

    i decided to leave¬† job because i wanted to have some distance so that he can see me less and move on with his life ..i got new one easily so i told him, he wasnt happy about that .. he applied for same job and got rejected and applied again and than got accepted ..but later he was calling me Selfish ,and the person who does what best for me ,and he stated that i dont think about him…

    before 3 days i was just talking to him casually¬† about “Life in Abroad ” that i want to have good health ,study and financial situation during living here because these are very important ,if any one¬† is missing ,you will get disturb here(Germany) as a Student , and he again said , I can provide you all these things…

    i felt angry …and frustrated ..because i have been rejecting but again and again the same topic .and whenever i try to stay away, he is always there ..

    he made me feel very bad by saying he cares about me, but i dont, and i do everything ,what is good for me and that i only think about myself and he is only one who cares .

    he gets angry and rude sometimes and

    last week he acted¬† like he is my husband …i went to see a friend two days before and my ex started using emotional tripping …as i reached home i went to my room ( i was very sad ) ..thn this friend (flatmate) called me and was blaming me that why i dint knock his room to say” Hallo “(after arriving) and was telling me that he was making whole day for me a desert ,which i like but u dint even say me “Hi” and he dint eat anything apart from breakfast but i dint ask him ,if he has eaten anything ….i felt awkward .i told him” as i dint know who should i please¬† and whose expectation should i fullfill etc “…. and i stopped talking to him …As i cant take this “Good friend game ” anymore ..i feel like i m emotionally drained for being blamed if i m the reason if my (ex) is sad and ruining his life and i m also the reason of this friends(flatmate ) sleepless nights..

    i just wanna go far away from him ..i searched a new accomodation for me and¬† he wants to shift there too…its getting very messy seriously..i cant ignore him as long as i m living in same apartment and doing same job…

    i know i have done few mistake by dealing with him..but Anita , is he also using Guilt tripping?? ,when he start making me realize that choosing a different job is a selfish act and he wouldnt have done that,or by saying he cares for me but i dont and he took hours to make a desert for me but i couldnt ask him if he has eaten something as a courtesy or by saying “Hi” ??? or he cant sleep nights¬† because he thinks about me all the time ….or he will marry anyone who his family will choose ,without saying anything,or he left everything on God ,but than again asking me if i should run away with him and much more…


    • This reply was modified 1 year, 2 months ago by Peace.
    in reply to: bad timing or patterns? #377141

    Dear Teak,

    thank you so much for reading my all those long post and trying to know my situation better.

    as you asked : I can imagine you didn’t feel important enough to even bother your mother (or your father) with your problems, did you? You didn’t feel seen and you didn’t feel worthy to be seen either. And this is why you prayed to God to die, it was so unbearable for you.

    i dont remember going to my mom and telling her my problems ..all the bullying, or teasing from anyone ..i actually couldn’t communicate..i remember when i was very sensitive ..for example :if someone asked me about anything ,my eyes would just¬† fill full of tears …

    Actually i feel you are right here “so you‚Äôre looking for a man to be there for you. But until you learn to be there for yourself and soothe yourself, no one will be able to give it from the outside.” i feel there was a lacking in my childhood ,i dint recieve enough affection ,love ,being seen or heard in my childhood thats why i craved for these things automatically i got attracted when someone showed love ,respect toward me ..and i couldnt help myself ,without having any experience i started pleasing those people who showed me abit of love ..

    i dont know how/where to find a counselor for my trauma’s¬† ,if i can find someone here in germany who i can afford.. but i want to be whole¬† .and thats why i m just trying to love myself and push myself,motivating my self.. i think i have learnt alot from my experiences but there is more to learn …



    in reply to: bad timing or patterns? #377122

    dear Anita ,

    Sorry i had exams  i couldnt write  back sooner.

    “The current long-distance man who you are afraid to hurt… let him go. He is not your son- someone you are responsible for, he is not your responsibility, and he is not your solution or salvation.“

    actually i let him go before my exams (2 -3 weeks before)…i told him that i m turned off and i m not feeling those feelings anymore was very awkward ..i was weeping he was weeping ..he said he wants to send proposal now..but i denied as i wasnt feeling anything ..i consider him a good person .i like him but not in romantic way anymore ..

    but he is putting very emotional status after the breakup and yesterday he was blaming me for everything ..he was asking me “why did i do this to him ??” and he admits that he was irresponsible but how can i lose all feelings for him and pretend as if nothing happened¬† in these 2 months?? .. saying very emotional stuff¬† like” i ruined his life but he wants to see me happy “and putting emotional¬† stories on whatsapp ..telling me he cant stop crying ,he is very depressed ,everyone can see that , his mom is sad by knowing that he is very upset even yesterday he texted me by saying that his ex gf texted him and said him not to put such status… i asked him but why is he telling me all these stuff.??. or sending me picture of his hand while being injured at work ..i was feeling sad and disturb during exams with all these things .but from yesterday i m trying not to be much effected by this emotional stuff. i feel like he is exaggerrating things now . yes i understand its very difficult and he must be going through a painful phase ..i was hurting too but¬† how did i ruin his life ? i dint ..yes i was there and he was happy because i was the one who was there for him emotionally,financially ,as friend and as a lover for him in every way …talking to him such stuff.. i helped him financially ,even i m not asking for those money from him nor i have any intention in future to ask about them but again why is he making me feel bad as if i took his advantage in this long distance …

    as you wrote :

    “Your responsibility, your solution/ salvation is the exams in front of you, the education you need to complete, the career ahead of you!”

    this line really touched me and i understood it  fully and i was giving my 100% and now i m trying even harder to make a good career ..

    you also suggested me ,as you wrote : “I would like¬†you to make choices that will prevent you from suffering even more than you have so far”.

    i understand from it that you are pointing my study and career ..or is there anything else in which i should make better choices ?? so that i dont suffer much in future..





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