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have some good rest
Where was your brother in this whole picture? Was he old enough to be a positive influence on you, or he joined your cousins in mocking you?
my brother was also young and very busy in his own life ,like going out with friends ,he had different school, i remember once he took stand for me when some neighbours boys making fun/bullying me (my nose) ..i used to think i m very ugly in childhood and used to cry for that ..but now i dont think i m ugly but” i feel i m beautiful” and many people said i m beautiful.
dear Anita and Teak,
thank you so much for your posts ..i was reading and rereading them from last few days( because of my exams couldnt reply immediately ),and rethinking about all the situation in my childhood and most importantly this “Virgin” topic and those all unpleasant past (relationship) which disturbed me for long time and from last years i was working on my self because this topic”Virgin” makes me feel very worthless, insecure and the thoughts start coming “no men will ever accept me and many more” and” i should better compromise and marry any one who is ready for me ” but then i think “No i am more than “a piece of hymen ” and not a piece of meat to be with someone (who can just have sex in the name of marriage)”..may be i cant describe those negative feelings and thoughts which comes in my mind ..
As anita asked:
“she protected you from the bone in the fish, but she did not protect you from.. anything or anyone else, did she?
You did not share a single word that she ever told you.”
So yes Anita , you reconized correctly ..my mom is a very quiet person .we dint talk much.i dont remmenber her talking to me or her guiding me because she doesnt talk much.when i was a child she was very busy doing houshold or going out to buy things for siblings or taking guests to hospitals (who came from village ).i remember i used to come from school at 5pm and she wasnt there at home ..or many times i was left at home with my siblings who would tease me .one insulting than the other by beating or slapping .may be she did but i dont remmember anything even we dont talk much now i call home to talk to her we just ask “how are you?” , “what are you doing ?” “what did u cook?” but i miss her and care for her alot..we cant talk more 2 mints ..
“What about your mother? How did she react to this cousin harassing you and telling you to stay at home?”
i dint tell her i dint tell anyone .i was scared that may be i m wrong to go out..and i was scared that if i tell my elder sisters they would never support me . they will say i was wrong because in my culture no matter what , “elders are always right ” like my cousin who asked me to stay home.i also experienced sexual abuse from a men who lives near to my area but i never had this gut to share with them ..AND most interestingly when i first got my periods ,i had no idea about that ,i was confused and scared ..during this time , my sister called me i was very afraid to go to her..i thought may be i did something horrible thats why i m bleeding and even though i knew i did nothing but i was scared that no one believe me.
i dint share anything to anyone because no one was ready or interested to talk to a child .i dint share what was happening in school.if i got slapped by any cousin i would just say nothing and go with teary eyes in a corner to weep..while writing now i cant stop my tears by remembering all those things again..
- This reply was modified 1 year, 3 months ago by Peace.
Does it mean you were criticized by your siblings and it is because of that, that you felt unwanted? Or your parents criticized you too?
actually yes they criticized me in fun way which hurted me ..unfortunately our elders or us dont know a child want emotional,love or appreciation so they did it .my parents never criticized me ..my other siblings were actually jealous because my mom loves me alot..
I don’t quite understand how that looked like – you were sitting in her lap and used her hands to feed yourself? It’s something she made you do?
actually it was more like she used to feed me with her hands ,i dont remember exactly if i used to sit on her lap or beside her while eating food.specially if she cooked/fried fish..she was afraid if mistakely eat the bone of it..
Whose attention did you crave the most?
i wanted my siblings attention ,cousins or some guests..
out side of home i got scared very easily, dint have much confident , very quite , scared of being judge in school ..after 5th standard i started becoming better in studies ,gained some confidence but deep inside ,i was very scared …
Dear ANITA and Teak,
“How did it feel, to be alone in Europe??”
I felt good i felt like a bird ..i felt happy, free ,full of potential ..thats because i could go out without having to worry about “those eyes of men which used to gaze me ” ,or passing sexual comment ,being harrassed ,not to care what my older relative say about my cloths (normal jean and shirt which is also not allowed to wear )..
“how did you manage financially, not having a family back in India that was able to financially support you???”
To answer this i want to tell a small background ,a turning point of our family , Power of a thought / Power of Education and most importantly How our culture or caste played a important role here ..
as i wrote earlier :
“I felt like an unwanted child or were treated in that way from my siblings,i m sure they loved me alot but in my society ( generally) its easy to criticise than show love /appreciation.So they (My Siblings)were mostly not aware to show me that”
My Dad wanted us all to be educated even when he couldnt afford to buy books for us sometimes ..but he managed and my elder sis went till uni ( was doing her Master ) when my dad was sick or even before that when we were facing financial problems my sister started financially supporting us by giving tuition classes or doing teaching ..Our days started being better when all my elder sister giving tuition classes or teaching in school along with completing their own Studies .they were not only arranging their own expenses but also supporting younger siblings like me .we were not that much broke .our circumtances started to improve but after dads sickness we were again struggling emotionally ,mentally after learning that there is no treatment (at that time) .
So they started saving for their marriage ,in my culture we love to keep Gold ,so they started making Gold for their own marriage by their savings .. And in my culture unlike other cultures Girls dont pay Dowry but it was opposite ..in our culture a men need to arrange a house (Furniture) before marrying ,he has to give Gold as gift, 20-25 dresses , and must take all the expense of food for the guests of bride family ..Girls are not burden to their family in my culture but for that society somehow they think only son can become the support of the family .thats the mentality .. they were getting married as they were educated ,beautiful without any financial problem with their own approval without pressure ..
my sis was spending more money on our (my and other siblings) Education .she wanted us to have a good career .and when i was in college she decided she will send me abroad for studies…she sold her Savings (Gold ) and also my other sister contributed with their Savings , taking loans.. as i landed here i had enough blocked money for my first year so i started working here ,doing Student jobs waitress, working in backery, or production companies ( as i learnt German language and i am advanced in it ,i started getting better jobs ) so i finance myself and sometimes my family by sending money to my mom or sis but she doesnt want me to do that ..
thats why i wrote there
“i m sure they loved me alot but in my society ( generally) its easy to criticise than show love /appreciation.So they (My Siblings)were mostly not aware to show me that”
So i work here and finance my self ..in my uni break i try to work full time and during semester i work part time and do some Savings …
Turning Point of our Life was, after these years of Struggle of my family and specially my mom , dad and my eldest sis .Today we are far better than financially other relatives ,or cousins . they respect us alot .my all sis got married.
.My cousin who dint like my face when i was child ,used to insult me ,he is very sweet to me now ,when i go to my country he comes specially to meet me ,if i just desire to go for a picnic, he would ask me again and again,if i wanna go there and his Auto is ready to take me and my family for picnic .where.( in my childhood i saw him insulting my mom or me for sitting in his vehicle or we dint get any seat ) i absorbed all those things ,i was very sensitive in my childhood..my mom’s cousin who dint offer tea to me ,when i go to her, she becomes happy to see me now and insist me to come to her ..shedoesnt hide tea now ,she makes specially for me ..this is how money changes behaviour of others ..
and one of my brother in Law ,who said me when i was 13_14 that we( daughters ) and our educaation are responsible of my dad’s Alzheimer disease..i was hurt on that day alot…but Guess what he is so good to me now..
and in this locked down ,that was my family (my other sis ) who were trying to financially support my those cousins ,who would always looked down on us..
i dont know why i have this feeling of “Guilt” inside me ,and i have no idea but thats what i decided when i was young..i decided if i will be in place of these people who are mistreating me based on my family circumtances or because i m Girl i will never do ,what i m experiencing ,i will never let any one to go through the “hurt” , “discrimination” which i saw in childhood .poor or rich ,black or white specially to childerns …
in this current situation of bf ,i felt guilty because i saw him financially broke and dint want to hurt him in this situation, again i dint want to be one of that person ( people mistreating me for being poor) ..so i assumed what if the feelings are fading because he is financially broke now and like some girls ,Money attracts a person ..( what if i m a Gold Digger).. i feel guilty of leaving/losing (feelings) him in the situation where he is already facing alot of other problems..
Dear Anita and Teak,
“I think that you feel that you are wrong in this case, feeling guilty- not because you did anything wrong, not because you really are guilty in context of this man- but because when you were a child, you felt unloved, so you figured that you must have done something wrong. And when your cousin or cousins locked you in the home, you probably felt that you must have done something wrong to be locked in. Do you remember?”
I have a big family with 9 siblings and i m yhe youngest one in my family.. I felt like an unwanted child or were treated in that way from my siblings,i m sure they loved me alot but in my society ( generally) its easy to criticise than show love /appreciation.So they were mostly not aware to show me that.. I used to be very unhappy, hurt, scared from cousins ( as we were poor, my cousins were very rude to me / my siblings as compared to other cousins). it was more like “Taboo”to talk or do what you really wanted to do in that society .Saying” No” to a
an elder person or correct them just because they are wrong about something shows disrespect so in order to be appreciated you have to do all other are expecting from you to do.. In my case i was seeking attention, appreciation,(may be) because never got some. .
I got very hurted when I saw being differentiated just because my father wasn’t earning much or we were very financially broke.. For example : My mom cousin offering a cup of tea to my other cousin but not to me. Or even if i asked the reply would be there is no tea..
Being insulted for no reason, scolded from others, or my cousin saying me : “don’t show me your face whenever i see your face i start getting angry, he hates my face”..
About my Parents:
mom,she is the most sweetest mom in the world she loved/loves me the most and treated me like a princess to her when i was near her. She made me eat with her hands i would sleep next to her in her arms even when i was 12 years old… But i was always beside her.. Or lay in her lap during day..
Unfortunately i dont have much such memories of my dad or my conversation with my dad.. When i was 17 my dad passed away he was suffering from Alzheimer. When i was nearly 9-10 years old he first showed some symptoms of dementia.. He was very quite, peaceful and most respected men, wanted his daughters to study, responsible .he used to work whole day nd come in the evening, we dint chat much i used to play. . I have 9 siblings in which we are 8 sisters and 1 brother. (in my society) sons are very appreciated and given respect compared to daughters (girls) but my dad never differentiated in such way he invested same money for my sisters nd my brother..but yes he was very strict to my brother as my brother wasn’t interested in studies, sometimes he would beat him but he never raised his hand for us(daughters). He would always ask my sister approval/opinion before getting her married or accepting the proposal (when a good proposal used to come) we were not burden in his eyes..
But the Society was concern for us for no reason.. That was funny.. My mom cousin she just wanted us to get marry whenever a proposal came but my family is very picky…
thank you so much for your reply ..
as u wrote “to not hurt this man’s feelings, you will have to …say and do what he wants you to say and do, for as long as he does? Do you give up who you are and who you want to be so to be who this man wants you to be, for as long as he does? ”
the thing is i cant fake things.i m very bad at hiding things i mean i cant i feel like i m betraying him or lying…i m fully aware which behaviour or affection wont hurt him but i can just do acting and say things which i dont mean…
yesterday in the video call conversation he asked me whats wrong and i couldnt reply .he was hurting i was hurting too..than he asked ,if i m not having feelings for him i said yes … he started crying i was saying :i m really sorry ,i m trying ,i dont know what to do i was saying again n again..i have been trying i started to cry and i couldnt stop in that video call…and i was saying i m really Sorry..he said: take your time and you will be okey till than he will wait and tolerate … i said: ok
In other words, do you sacrifice you/ give up on you, so to not hurt his feelings?
no.i shouldnt be giving up or sacrificing my self if i m nt having love for him or not happy .because he deserve someone who loves him and i deserve to be happy too .if i m not in love with him now ,i wont be myself around him and he wont be happy too ..if he knows i m not happy …
why do i feel as if i m wrong thats why i m unable to feel that love for him?even though it all started with his being careless ..
That’s right… Unfortunately thats me… I cant access my that email anymore i lost passwords… Nor that account…
J was the one who was having alot of relationship one after one and having heartaches but then i started taking time knowing people.. In my current relationship we took more than 1 month just talking casual to know each other without romantic stuff but still ending up like this…
Now my question is what if i m the one who is wrong? Like for my current relationship everything was going great but i turned off…
I m hurting him and i m sorry for that and i m hurting my self…
“I am not saying these three men are the same, because the first sounds pretty scary, while the other two boyfriends seem more normal. But all of them had financial issues and needed your help, and I don’t think it’s a coincidence. What do you think?”
the first crazy bf was financially stable but was still living at my place for more than 6 months without contributing for rent ..he used to bring grocery which wasnt much of his part..and when i wanted to break up his real face came out threatening etc..and i became financially broke while he was demanding money from me by saying that i have to pay him his every single penny ,(which he spent on me )..and i wasnt working as he was sick so i needed to take care of him ..go for work ,study take classes while he was sitting all the time in my apartment and playing “pubg game “..i ended up financially broke ,depressed, failed in exams which led to visa problem all in one time but than i took my courage and hope and built myself again so that i never go through the same heartache again.. my worst time but best lesson .
yes i am financially independent as i m working part time as a Student .but i dont earn much and i mostly try to save without spending it anywhere else but if someone is in need i try to help …
.may be thats what attracts these guys are that i wont be ( burden)dependent on them in any way ,and still they can spend good time without investing much (as i dont expect for beautiful expensive gifts from them) ..i dont know ,May be.
Dear Teak and Dear Anita,
Anita “He gave you his Word and broke his word to you repeatedly- that’s something wrong that he has done to you repeatedly”
yes Anita that true its wrong thats why i am so turned off by this .and you are right ..may be my ending contact with him doesnt effect him much ..as i m thinking ..I am trying to communicate to him ,he already knows that my feelings changed for him now..i m trying to communicate to him in better way and trying to overcome this and let it go as soon as possible ..
sorry this post is going to be long .
Teak wrote “do you want to follow tradition and indeed get married as soon as possible, because that’s what’s expected from you.”No.I dont really wanna follow tradition and marry ASAP but i also dont want to waste my time, emotions and Energy on wrong person.”Or you want to give yourself time to meet the right guy – someone whom you really like and respect and feel you can rely on?” YES .i really wanna take my time to meet the right guy and know him very well before going ahead..
and thank you so much for your advice ..i m thinking about it ..
about my EX.relationship :(from thread)
i met him on 3rd to 4th meeting i started to have doubts about the person as he was just talking all about himself all the time but i ignored all my my gut feelings ..yes i felt ashamed, of him being there at my place most of time whenever he is free ..staying nights weekends and talking on first date about marriage ..etc ..but hesitating to take stand for me , when i was being pressured from home ..
in my last relationship (which was described in 7 months ago thread) i was carrying alot of baggage of my previous (toxic relationship) which made me insecure ,doubted my self worth, where a father of two sons ,10 years older than men (my ex) calling me names Prostitute , Gold Digger , made me financially broke, harrassed and blackmailed me , threatend to destroy me ..called my friends and saying that i m Prostitute and was torturing me in any or every way ..he was/is a jerk and i became insecure that any guy is ready to sleep with me but when it comes for commitment / taking Stand no Guy will do ..may be these all experiences made me feel like or let me act the way i was acting being pressured to be in a marriage etc ..
but eventually i realized that no i dont really just want a marriage .i want to be happy ,heard ,seen in relationship and broke up with him (before 7 months thread related ex.bf)..
Now about current Situation:” I got one very good proposal last month through a friend who is in uk.. But i rejected it but without giving it any thought, i rejected it as i thought i have bf … I told my bf about proposal he got very upset.(here i referred the proposal which came for me ) So I asked him to talk to his mom about our proposal he said he will do in 2-3 days.. And till today i got 0 update about this..ths happend 2 more times”
and he was getting upset for any proposal which was coming for me and my saying to him was, its normal as i m in that Stage of my life.
As i m not the same me to him from last few days or week so i got response before 2 days from him that he sent my picture to his mom.
in this long distance relationship i just met once before two months (non-sexual) but we were communicating all the time for hours and i felt everything is great .i saw the very first red sign when he claimed he will do something -he gave me surety and asked me to “dont worry “it will be done and he will take care of it .. after 3-4 weeks it couldnt be done and his reaction was very normal ,no further efforts and very cold reaction ..in those 3-4 weeks i was asking about updates that a bit important for me and that was first time i gave him something to take care or he claimed to do ..
this happend again ..
and again about talking to mom ..
i started thinking what if he just good at talking and when it comes to do something he isnt doing anything..than i started to observe his messy circumtances i saw the same .. his financial issues , education problem and visa issue it all created by delaying to act …being irresponsible and not caring at all ..it was a pattern of irresponsible behaviours and depending on others ..
i got disappointed and emotionally hurt and i started turning off that he gives his words but no action.
“thats why i wrote in my first post , am i judging him ?? or are these bad timing or patterns??
i am a human being its possible i can be wrong here about this ..and many more but patterns dont lie ..
i will really appreciate your Reply and your thoughts about all the situation..
- This reply was modified 1 year, 3 months ago by Peace.
As you wrote “I suggest that you (1) let your long distance, sweet-talking boyfriend know that the long-distance relationship is over, and (2) that you consider getting to know the man you mentioned/ other men as candidates for marriage, but get to know them for a long time non-sexually.”
I want to act upon your advice but i m so hurt myself even though em unhappy but i dont want to hurt him… My this Cold reaction toward my bf is just hurting him and i m also hurt… I feel like i m very disturb i start crying and want to cry by thinking how can i hurt someone feelings who apparently haven’t done any thing wrong ….just irresponsible and lazy and this long distance…
On the other hand i dont want to betray him/ cheat by knowing the other guy even non-sexually.. I m not good at lying and hiding things…
I m stuck and don’t knw how to to what i should do…
How are you? Hope you doing great..
I want to be supportive to him but i dont know why i m so disappointed and turned off..i dont enjoy talking to him or receiving his calls. I m feeling guilty about it for that
This reaction of mine is upsetting me as well as i dont want to hurt him Yes he loves me alot… He cares for me. He want to see me smiling, happy try to make me laugh… 24/7 romantic..but irresponsible.. Does for a loving relationship all these romantic things are enough?? Like being sweet, saying sweet things, texting, video calling, saying miss you nd love you… Will these stuff be enough for our for our happy future life? Or is marriage more than such words, affection??
Or am i wasting my time once again??
As i m mid of 25 years old its is the time when we get pressure to get marry…
And start to recieve proposals.. I got one very good proposal last month through a friend who is in uk.. But i rejected it but without giving it any thought, i rejected it as i thought i have bf … I told my bf abt proposal he got very upset.. I asked him to talk to his mom about our proposal he said he will do in 2-3 days.. And till today i got 0 update about this..ths happend 2 more times… He says something but doesnt happen…
On the other hand a guys asked me that he is interested to know me as he is finding someone for marriage, and wanna see if there is any compatibility between us , if its okey for me?( as he doesnt know that i have a long distance bf nor i told him that ). I still dint reply him and i dont knw what to say.. This guy is of my same caste and working here in another city 20 – 30 mints away from me..he helped me by being my sponsor ( he issued for me a letter of sponsorship) for my visa, as my visa officer was very rude and making alot of troubles and wasnt accepting my work contract and almost 6k euro blocked bank amount.. He saved me in that situation. I met him twice Wht i know that he is straight forward men..
What will be best to do in this situation?
Keep supporting my bf and continue the relationship.. May be things gets better?
Or choose to know the other guy?
I will be waiting for your reply and will really appreciate it anita.
Thank you so much for your reply..
But i feel as if i dint explain you in proper way what i meant by these “bad timing or patterns” or “judging him “…
I meant these more in repetitive “irresponsible and careless behaviour” and “taking wrong decisions” and depending too much on others for their opinion or support “..and i gave u few examples after observing his problem…
My observation was that, He doesnt take things seriously and acts lazy..take some very poor decisions which made him financially broke and in trouble ( example was consequences of deportation, as he dint even inform the foreign office about his address + if they were nt responding, he was too lazy to go there ask about his visa status, or email them ) and he hires a lawyer for visa issue.. I m still confused what will lawyer do to extending a student visa???
.. According to him.. His situation isn’t changing.and he is always left with no money… Because all goes to rent etc..
My observation is that he is doing nothing to change this apart from complaining..
If i go through same situation financially broke like him abroad i will go crazy become mentally disturbed..
Me helping him financially was one time help from me… He never asked for that but i felt i should be doing and i would even do it for a friend or stranger.. If i see someone i cant help myself…
Are these some real problem?
Because he is otherwise a sweetheart… Always loving caring, sweet… But i m very turned off by his these issues..
Should i be more supportive?? Or should i move on.. Do u think if my future with this “long distance lover” can be full of mess.
- This reply was modified 1 year, 3 months ago by Peace.
<p style=”text-align: left;”>Dear Anita,</p>
I got your point here but how could a person be 24/7 available nd sweet nd telling me he loves me misses me all the time… Doesn’t it mean he loves me?? He almost contacts me after 1-2 hours directly video call…and these video calls goes very long…
On the other hand if he is only after money he wouldn’t be with a girl who is financially not so good for 3 years “in long Distance *
Nd i sent him money even before visiting him.. And then when i went to visit he dint have money too…
.. Now days i feel its too much and get distracted alot by these sweet calls..
thank you so much for your reply.
what should i do in this situation ?
he is very sweet and kind ..i feel he has a beautiful heart…i dont want to hurt him ..
i also dont understand .how he is so normal in this situation ..he is talking still very nicely, kin.how can sombody who comes to know about deportation news be so normal…
u think if this relationship worth my time and energy? i cant think clearly as i m emotionally involved.