Dear trustagain,

It would probably be helpful for you to work with a coach on your perspective of romantic relationships. For you to not want to let go of a relationship even when it’s was clearly toxic and not because of a clash of personalities, but because you both chose to be toxic, could link to a certain emotional high you can get from arguments. For some people, fighting is linked to communications because of the high level of dopamine that the brain is releasing, which, can feel good. Or at least a familiar pattern so that is what people seek out in their relationship. You, yourself, might have unconsciously created an association of a degree of toxicity being common in relationships and you might have became somewhat emotionally dependent on that emotional high of toxicity you get from being with your ex. Dopamine is how you feel pleasure so it can get addicting, especially when it’s dependent on another person to activate. Though , looking at another angle, you might have wanted to get back with your ex because you felt emotionally dependent on him. No matter the case, it’s difficult to let go of something you felt depended on so the first step for you would be to look at what the common elements of a relationship are for you.

Good luck.

Hey Jen,

Lovely to see that you’re progressing from “this sucks” to “this isn’t about me”. And I will reiterate, you do not have healthy boundaries with your parents.

As you’ve written, your mother made it (almost) her life’s mission to care for you. But that taught you, a Cancer Moon (and Sun?), to love someone, is to take on responsibilities for their well-being. Well meaning and all, but it’s another way of thinking that as long as you can “help” the other person (because they have a problem), then you should try to help, irregardless of what the other party really want. In other words, you taking on “others’ problems” makes it “your problems”, so when things don’t go as you’ve planned in trying to fix said “problem”, then you feel bad. But was there even a “problem” to begin with? Because what might seem like a “problem” to you might not even matter to the other person, but you yourself are the one fixated on thinking that it’s a problem.

The narrative of you trying to cajole your parents into exercising with you is a perfect example. They wanted to garden, but you believed that it was better for them to “exercise” so tried to called them back to your plans, the one that you painstakingly create for your father’s sake. But did you asked what they actually wanted to do or did you planned what you think might be beneficial for them? But how is it your problem that your father might be putting on weight? Some weight can be expected with age and if your father is perfectly content with himself even after you’ve expressed your concerns, then all you can do is respect his decision.

It is not your job to make sure that they are at a good weight or healthy, that’s their job. They are grown adults who can take care of themselves, unless they are besieged with a disease like Alzheimer or had asked for help in the beginning. If it’s neither scenario, then after you’ve expressed your concerns, you need to respect their decision and their choices. If they want to exercise by gardening, then let them. And remember, they are so used to placating you that it’s probably difficult for them to tell you “no” outright. Per your narration, your mother felt guilty for not being enough of a mother for you. That translated into her compensating a lot for much of your needs growing up; trying to help you out when you were probably able to solved your own problems yourself. But she is still human and can only be human. And now, there’s no healthy boundaries between you two.

You unconsciously expected her to give in to you because you feel that you need to care for her health per your reasoning and she probably did before. But she does not have to and you were the one who chose to do what you did. You were the one who decided to take responsibility for their health by asking them to exercise with you, but they also have the right to refuse you at any time. If the two “five minutes” weren’t enough to tell you that it was better to just go ahead without them, then you could have asked if they just wanted to stay where they were. Why did they and you have to follow your plan to a T?

You’re managing your parents, or at least you’re trying to. But as you’ve witnessed, you can’t control what another person does. You can give them choices, but they don’t have to choose your choices. And what do you even get out of managing them?

You probably have a mindset of “I have to make sure everyone is okay” or something similar along those lines. That’s heavy. Taking on responsibility for other people is heavy. That leads to thinking that you have to do something to make sure “everyone” is alright, but by your decisions. It’s also for your sake that you do this because if they’re okay, then you’ll be okay. Managing them to make sure they’re okay so you’ll be okay makes the whole situation centers around you because it’s about you being okay so that means they have to be okay or else you won’t be okay.

That’s unfair to your parents because you are making them “be okay” so that you’ll feel okay yourself. So in the end, they are still responsible for your emotional well being which means little has changed from your childhood. Positive thoughts aren’t going to help you further on because the issue stems around boundaries, which neither you nor your parents seem to have. So the best advice for you now is that you should move out to create physical space from your parents and look for a counselor to work with on your personal boundaries. You lack personal boundaries and staying in the same space as your parents is not going to help you.

This will not be easy and it will make you uncomfortable. But if you wish to be able to love yourself regardless of other people, then having healthy boundaries is one of the things you need.

Hey Nicka,

To note, this is done through phone so if nothing’s clear, do tell.

To start this out, it’s starting to be clear that you really value relationships. And that’s a beautiful value. But you can also be too tolerant of the actions of others and might stay too long in one relationship. Certainly, your ex has his good qualities, but did you both ever discuss his insecurities? Cis gender men are mostly socialized to not show vulnerabilities but that doesn’t mean it can’t be learned later in life. So did he ever tried? Also, how many times were your ex drunk and acting like a bad drunk, like letting out his grievances on you? Sure, he was drunk but that doesn’t mean he didn’t understand his actions so much as his inhibitions was lower than normal. His action was toxic, drunk or not but how many times did it happened and how many time did you excuse it as “being drunk”? It’s great you were able to accept his insecurities for what they are but that doesn’t mean tolerating the toxic actions arising from them. You also have your insecurities but have you yourself used them as a reason to blame others or pull them down because you feel bad so they should too? Because your ex was doing that. Not always blatantly but he did.

And you probably do have codependency tendencies because you seem to hope to help these people out of their insecurities by staying with them, but at what cost? You don’t like letting people go, but what is the price of holding on?

There’s also this paradox. You fear that starting any platonic friendship, it will end somewhere in the future so what about your romantic relationship? Did you not fear it ending too or how were you so confident that it wouldn’t end in the future, like your friendships? You don’t seem to have problems with people pursuing you but hesitate to pursue your own friendships. Introversion have little to do with choosing to pursue friendships or any relationships. It’s either you make the effort or you don’t. You can, of course, be selective in where you put your effort. And I don’t know about you but I would be flatter if anyone wanted to friends with me, granted, they just have to not make my list of potentially toxic people. Though I’m not exactly sure of the kind of people you’re meeting, but do you really want to let in people who only see your outer shell and not try to see your quirks? And it’s not possible for any person to know and understand you because they are not you. They have not lived your life or your thoughts or your emotions. They might have empathy or understand where you’re coming from, but they’ll never truly grasp how you feel because that’s all you. Your feelings are yours.

Or has your past jarred you to the point that you feel it hopeless to put much effort into making friends?

So is it your effort or your thoughts holding you back from developing any friendship?

Hey Marnia,

I think it’s fine to make relationships one of the main focal point of your life. But as you’ve realized, when you put all of your energy into one relationship, you will eventually get lost and lose yourself. Why does this happen? Because you were trying to do the impossible, merging two whole to create one. One plus one does not make one, but a lot of people are taught that they are halves, or even zero, therefore they need something outside of themselves to become whole. Do you feel that way yourself?

If you do, you’ll have to look at the programming you were equipped with, starting from your childhood to your adult life. What was the messages presented to you and which messages have you ingrained in your mind, thinking that it was true. After, you fear that no one else will love like he did, but what exactly is love for you? A body that you can come home to at the end of the day? Why not get a dog then? Or is it something you give therefore they should give you in return? That’s just entitlement or a give and take. Someone to validate you as a person? Someone to make you feel as if you matter? But for how long will that feeling last until you need your next high? How many times will a person have to tell you “I love you” until you feel satisfied? Or will you ever feel satisfied? When is it enough?

On the other hand, though you give focus and energy on your relationship with your boyfriend, where is the energy for your relationship with yourself? You might think you feel incomplete without being in a relationship with other people, but what about the relationship with yourself? A relationship with yourself is also a relationship, so why did you not put in any effort with yourself?

Relationships are important to you, but you’re neglecting an important relationship by ignoring yourself and focusing on others. As it is far too easy to project your desires onto people, ask yourself why you can’t fulfill those desires by your own effort with your own self, first and foremost, than relied other others to fulfill those desires for you.

GL

Hey Grace,

It’s great that you’re trying to be safe while dating. If you ever feel the tiniest bad vibes from anyone, then you have every right to decline meeting them. No one has any rights to your time or attention nor any rights to ignore any of your boundaries.

That said, why not try recruiting your friends into helping you find a potential boyfriend? I find that friends are a great resource when looking to meet new people because they have already vetted the person for you, or should do that first. They also have friends who might be on the look out for their friends and you’ll only know when you let them know that you’re looking.

And remember, you can always stop any action, e g hugging, should you become uncomfortable in the middle of it. You don’t have to have a reason because not feeling it is the only reason you need; you can always say no and expect that person to respect your wishes. ‘Saying no’ is you respecting your limits and boundaries. And if they don’t stop, then you will have to decide whether they’re someone you really want to hang out with.

Good luck and have fun.

Hey NeedAChange,

This is only my 2cent so it might not be helpful, but there are somethings that might be beneficial to look closely at.

From a previous post, you’ve wrote that you’ve observed that you don’t like being out of control. You’ve also feared the judgement of others thus that fear turned into you trying to control certain bodily functions. So from that, a correlation between your anxiety and your fear of losing control can be made. Now, you haven’t mentioned if you troubled with generalized anxiety disordered (GAD), but your anxiety seems to be more pronounce than normal so you’ll have to see a specialist about that.

Now, from the correlation above, let’s frame your anxiety in a simple way. You seem to be a person who likes being in control, but you’ve also realized from a young age that you can’t control certain things about life, like the actions of others or events that will occur outside of your jurisdiction. That ‘realization’ seem to have become fuel for your anxiety because you were anxious if your parents would come back to you or not when you were younger. That, and it didn’t seem that your parents did much in trying to help you accept those worries for what they are, which was one of the ways you were trying to obtained a degree of control over a situation where you felt you had no control. You don’t write of many coping mechanisms  You also haven’t kept with many strategies, it seems, in how to embrace your anxiety then let it go. To this day, you still view it as a enemy to be defeated or ignored.

You don’t like losing control, but your thoughts are reminding you of what you don’t have control over. You’ve identified your anxious thoughts as bad so you tried to push them away. Even now, your anxiety is fueled by the need to remind you that you don’t have as much control as you think you need, your thoughts included. So you feel the need to ‘fix it’ so you can be in control again, but there’s a problem to that mindset.

I don’t know if the counselor you visited ever told you, or they did yet you didn’t think it impossible, but anxiety isn’t something that can be ‘fixed’. By nature, every human being will experience anxiety in their life in some way. Anxiety is a natural feeling, but some people do feel it more intensely and for longer periods of time and it seems you fit into that category. There is no fix solutions to general anxiety disorder because it’s a feeling. You can’t tell yourself how to feel; you simply feel. It’s just that your mind tend to rush in to add color to that feeling which then magnify it while your whole body is already reacting to that feeling. From something minor, it intensify and continues on like a broken record.

So when you don’t feel in control, that fuels your anxiety which then send bad messages through your head which makes you feel even more out of control which spike your anxiety so the messages keep repeating and on and on. That’s a vicious cycle for you to go through, day in and day out. And anything that you don’t have control over can trigger your anxiety.

But there is nothing wrong with your anxieties, you simply feel it intensely. Therefore, you have to learn how to live with it, not ‘cure’ it. But how you live with it is entirely dependent on you. Some people like to simply stop, acknowledge their anxiety and move on. Some reason about why they might be feeling anxious. Some breathe deeply, say thank you and then move forward. Some think happy thoughts. Some eat something sweet. Some take a walk. Each methods is unique to the person so you’ll have to make your own.

I don’t know you personally so I can only write down these thoughts, whether they help you find any clues regarding your situation, you’ll have to decide for yourself. But I do think you should visit another counselor if you can. The first one might not have worked out for you, but there are more people out there who might be able to help you, the thing is that you need to continue looking until you find someone that you mesh well with. It takes a lot of work to care for your own health, but all that work is worth it as long as you make yourself a treasure to care for.

Good luck.

Dear simone,

You’re not crazy. You simply love your boyfriend, flaws and all. And that’s okay. You just love him.

But no matter how much you love someone, you need to learn to look at them as realistically as possible because you, yourself, need to decide whether the actions of the other person is safe for you, mentally and physically. Yet that also begs the question of whether you yourself understands the foundation for a healthy relationship.

Have you discussed with your friends what a healthy relationship would look like between people? Or what an unhealthy relationship look like? Have you discussed how to have open communications? What the different type of relationships look like, from dependence to independent to interdependent? What it means to trust and respect your partner as they trust and respect you? That relationships are work in process so all the parties involved must put in the work for a healthy relationship, no matter how long you’ve been together?

Your relationship with your mother is one thing, but your relationship with your relatives, friends and romantic partner is another. But humans have the tendency to copy what they learnt from their parents and paste that onto to any relationships they create with others.

So, what are the foundations of a relationship for you? What is healthy and not healthy? List them out if you can.