Hi Zita

There is a lot of chaos inside me and I keep searching for that stillness.

Like to take another shot at this.

Stillness isn’t something one can find by searching for it…
One can be still – Contemplate the difference between searching and being..

Before Meditation repeat these words
“I ask of my soul, be still and wait without hope, for hope would be hope for the wrong thing; wait without love, for love would be love of the wrong thing; there is yet faith, but the faith and the love are all in the waiting. Wait without thought, for you are not ready for thought: So the darkness shall be the light, and the stillness the dancing.” ― T.S. Eliot

Gautama sits under the tree and achieves enlightenment and in that moment is given a choice to remain in nirvana or return (as all hero’s must) to teach what cannot be taught. Gautama knew that most would relate to the teachings as if they were the destination mistaking the map for the  territory. (even as all of the teachings warn not to do that)
I’ve often thought that such a paradox would be enough to boot one right out of nirvana and into frustration. Still the Buddha agrees to return and teach as a enlightened one and I wonder if this is why he laughs.

I’ve also wondered about all those Zen stories where the Buddha teaches and someone hearing becomes immediately enlightened in that moment. I imagen this now enlightened person looking into the Buddha eyes to mark the moment – maybe the Buddha gives him a wink or some other form of recognition… but then the Buddha winks at everyone. I imagen this now enlightened person waking out of the temple, perhaps in a state of contentment, maybe even bliss and then stepping in dog poop.  I wonder if this person remains enlightened? I wonder if this is why the Buddha is so often depicted as laughing.

“Before one studies Zen, mountains are mountains and waters are waters; after a first glimpse into the truth of Zen, mountains are no longer mountains and waters are no longer waters; after enlightenment, mountains are once again mountains and waters once again waters.” Dogen

As a person that tends to live in my head, I get it Greg
The tendency to project my insecurities in to silences between encounters with others… what if they think this or that about me, what if, what if…

Being able to communicate clearly and establishing healthy boundaries can help. Sadly most of us haven’t been taught how to commutate skillfully in such situations.  (just knowing what ones boundaries, making them conscious, is not a easy task.)

Under similar circumstances a philosopher Tom Morris gave me the following advice or rule. The rule of Charity. The rule of Charity states that if you experience a event and thier are multiple possible explanations and you have no way of determining which is the correct explanations or you have decide not to take the time to determine which is the correct explanation then choose the better explanation.

It is possible that this woman is interested in you, enjoys making new acquittances,  likes communicating with people from around the world, pities you, is setting you up for some scam, is a murder looking for the next victim… 🙂
So many what if’s!

You could ask her about each of those possibilities to determine which is true..    or you could choose to pick the most kindest explanation which in this case may be she finds you interesting.

When your not engaged with your insecurities your projecting on the interaction you seem to be  your enjoying the interactions so why can’t that be enough in the present moment? Tomorrow will bring what tomorrow will bring.

As for the question ‘Why do you find it easier to engage with those farther away and or online (virtually) and not closer at hand in the real world… A problem many today have… i
Asking myself that question I might wonder if I find it easier. That a virtual connection that doesn’t work out wont hurt as much as a connection where I actually interacted with the person in the ‘real’ world doesn’t. Especially if I might run into them from time to time. But that’s me

Hi Greg
I don’t do the Instagram thing so don’t know much the expected etiquette (Just googled that and apparently thier are a lot of suggested rules)

We live in a world with a lot of focus on immediate gratification. I.E when we text or such we desire a immediate response and become agitated (making up what if stories) when that desire isn’t met.  But why should that be?

Not that long ago persons in your situation would write letters with weeks in between. The anticipation of receiving a letter can be enjoyable….

In your shoes I might approach the Instagram thing the same way. This will require you to be able to communicate your boundaries.  Let her know you would like to continue communicating with her without the expectation of immediate responses… as if you were writing letters a suitable delay could be agreed on.
And perhaps a promise that if either of you wish to stop the communication you will let each other know. (no ghosting)

In Buddhist terms – What is causing you the headache is your desire and attachment to wanting what you want right now which has very little to do with this woman. She isn’t giving you the headache your are… Imagine enjoying the communications without such attachments.

To me ego is the identity one assigns to themselves. The concept me being my own entity separate from others comes from the ego. And I had mentioned earlier that I think the ego is there to protect us. Surely, life would be a lot easier if we let go of my understanding of ego because the number of things that matter would dramatically reduce. But at the same time, if I don’t have that ego wouldn’t it be hard to protect myself from others?

In the first sentence you make the statement – “The ego is the identity” (ego = identity) You can how suffering might result. I am a athlete, my self of self, my identity is attached to my athletic ability. I break my leg and can no longer perform. Who am I? Ego experienced as identify is prone to Inflation (Feelings that we are better than we are. I am better than you because I am a better athlete) and Deflation (I am nothing because you are a better athlete then I).  Perhaps you notice how both inflation and deflation are measurements that separate us from the other. Not in the healthy way that would aid someone to learning to live in harmony with others and themselves. Nothing produces more conflict, tribalism, disharmony then when ego = identity and it feels threatened.

How do I see ego? I picture ego as the part of ourselves that communicates experience. A tool we use to help one understand, learn, keep safe, become conscious…. I have an ego, it is useful, I am not my ego.

My feeling is that in the East there is a tendency to negate the ego often resulting in a lack of energy to engage, while in the West a tendency toward over identifying with ego resulting in a need to dominate, consume, own…

As you mentioned ego plays a important role in keeping one safe, the question might be then is how it does so? Ego as Identity? or Ego as container, communicator,  boundaries?

I mentioned Jung’s statement – ‘It take a healthy ego to let go of ego’. Jung suggested that the first half of life task was to develop a healthy container (ego). A neither inflated nor deflated sense of self, healthy boundaries that was capable of providing for itself, family, society…) The second half of life task involves the paradox of separating oneself from others, which at the same time recognizes the other as/in themselves. Which naturally flows into compassion for ourselves and others. A drop in the ocean contains the ocean…

This was a lesson I also learned in dancing. When you start to take classes to learn the rhythms and rules. A waltz looks like this, a Cha Cha like this. Eventually the student will be told that to dance they must ‘forget‘ what they learned to dance. But not until they developed the ‘container’. To break the rules, one must know the rules. Forget is probably the wrong word as what happens is that the student learns to Trust what they learned, trust that the body knows (Body always knew how to dance, the student must work for that which the body already knows. Like the statue that already exists in the stone)

Another story

A man traveling along a path came to a great expanse of water. As he stood on the shore, he realized there were dangers and discomforts all about. But the other shore appeared safe and inviting. The man looked for a boat or a bridge and found neither. But with great effort he gathered grass, twigs and branches and tied them all together to make a simple raft. Relying on the raft to keep himself afloat, the man paddled with his hands and feet and reached the safety of the other shore. He could continue his journey on dry land.

Now, what would he do with his makeshift raft? Would he drag it along with him or leave it behind? He would leave it, the Buddha said. Then the Buddha explained that the dharma is like a raft. It is useful for crossing over but not for holding onto….

I agree with Tommy’s concern with the word ‘seek’  as we tend to see the world as we are not as it is, thier will be a tendency to find what we expect to find.

Note however that Seek does not stand alone in the formula. The seeker seeks, knocks and waits.  Note how the knock (not passive) creates vibrations…. and puts into motion… as we wait the ripples pushing aside that which may cloud our vision, the water better able to reflect what is…..

Here is a riddle for you. When does a seeker become a finder?

Hi Samy Great thoughts

I  wonder why is identifying with emotions bad? In a non dualistic way of good and bad concepts disappear.  🙂 as for example anger can be experienced as both, even at the same moment in time.  The intention is to experience the emotion without attaching a sense of self to it. To allow the experience flow which is I guess a kind of letting go (working for that which no work is required – the moment has passed –  if so what is it that we are holding on to (attaching to) ) 

But did it change anything? Whether Lion killed motivated by nature or anger, the rabbit would still be dead. If you witness the killing and could verify that the Lion killed out of anger. Has your image and feelings toward the Lion changed, perhaps you might view the Lion with less compassion and as a other? Attaching to the Lion labels – like Lion is what it did vice the Lion did a ugly thing.

I Just worrying about what true detachment. A helpful concern to be mindful of. For myself I often find myself falling into the trap of indifference. When I notice that, I know that my practice of detachment has become something else.  Thus the Practice of mindfulness. (note that the practice of mindfulness also involves avoiding attaching our sense of self to labels, thoughts, emotions 🙂 Mindfulness is about noticing. We are better able to notice when we practice detachment. Which comes first Mindfulness OR Detachment? The question is dualistic thinking 🙂 There is no OR… or First)

I also feel that the Practice of healthy detachment creates healthy boundaries, that lead to Compassion where the idea of the ‘Other’ dissolves.  I suspect a unhealthy detachment sets one back into dualistic thinking, Tribalism, Us verses Them…

Where do you learn your lessons from?  Books have been my primary learning tool and the seem to show up when I’m ready for them. (its one thing to read/know of something quite another to integrate it, make it your own). Something Jung  noted had a big impact – He said that it takes a healthy ego (healthy sense of self) to be able  ‘let go’ of ego (letting go of ego here is not  denying the ego only avoiding identifying (attaching) the sense of self to ego)  Thus again we work for that which no work is required)

I also learned a a lot from taking ballroom dancing classes and approaching it as a practice.  Practicing being still while physically engaged in dancing and connected to a partner. Engaged while detached from outcome…  (as above so below, as below so above – the riddle of alchemy)

A Zen practice of being mindful/present while we perform our tasks, one begins to notice when the inner state is influencing the outer experience Or when the outer experience is influencing the inner. (Note in a pervious post where I mentioned that a Answer Of No to the question of ‘Life as it Is’ didn’t end the cycle of suffering. One of the reasons is that a NO usually involves trying to change life from the Outside as a act of will (often about wanting to control Life) were we have very little influence. While a YES comes from a place that starts from within, where we have influence, (if not always control) that flows with Life.)

Their is a idea of ‘Concentration without Effort’  A kind of act of will/intention that is the is a letting go of will…  words fail in trying to explain… kind of the difference between reading a book and being open to the book reading you…

Anyway You can trust that when you are ready (open without forcing yourself to be open) the ‘teacher’  will show themselves to you.

There is a saying Knock and the Door will open, Seek and you shell find. I would add that we can seek and we can knock and then we must wait at the door to open in its time. We ought not to try to open the door ourselves or force it open.

Thus I ponder the words of TS Eliot as I imagine knocking at the door and waiting: – “I ask to my soul, be still and wait without hope, for hope would be hope for the wrong thing; wait without love, for love would be love of the wrong thing; there is yet faith, but the faith and the love are all in the waiting. Wait without thought, for you are not ready for thought: So the darkness shall be the light, and the stillness the dancing.”

But if that is the case, is there room for morality? Harming others is bad, don’t we need to label it as such. This is what I’m struggling with. What do you accept and what do you label and dislike/ reject/ try to change.

Yes their is room.  The intention is to be Detached (from the labels and such) AND engaged with ones truth. The challenge is that a such a detachment can easily become indifference.

Another story

A samurai warrior had the duty to avenge the murder of his overlord. After some time, the samurai found and cornered the man who had murdered his overlord. He was about to deal with him with his samurai sword, when this man in the corner, in the passion of terror, spat in his face. And the samurai sheathed the sword and walked away.