Its only recently that I’ve heard people talking about finding their twin flame.

I googled it and from what I read finding your ‘twin flame’ does not necessary mean living together in a committed relationship. In fact it kind of points to the opposite. A experience that’s can only last for a short time before it burns it self out and becomes something else.  A relationship intended to fire you up but not a place you can live in.

As a metaphor ‘twin flame’ is problematic as I invasion the ‘burning of the candle’ at both ends. Fire consumes oxygen making it hard to breathe. Fire burns, love burns… and when out of control burns everything in its path. But fire also purifies and creates the ground for new things to grow… I don’t know… One must be careful when playing with fire

You ask if this is an illusion.

• The angst your experiencing is not a illusions.
• The idea of a ‘Twin Flame’ soul mate are words and words are symbols not the thing itself and so a illusion.
• If you expect this relationship to move forward into a more committed one… that may be an illusion. As a guy having a friend with benefits, having my cake and eat it to… yeah I’m going to keep that going as long a possible (if I were the type of guy that would enter into a friends with benefits relationship – My observations is that they seldom end well)

I don’t know your making yourself crazy by becoming engulfed by the experience and getting burned so maybe the twin flame is a real thing.  Its just not how I’d like my relationship to look like.  Your Friend wants his X back, but you want something more… My opinion for what its worth tell him no more benefits and see how long the flame burns true.

You ask a great question. In relationships we tend to react to a situations more then we respond to it.

When we react to a situation there is usually more going on then just the event occurring in the moment.  Most of us will react when something about the current situation triggers something from the past. In most cases this is often something subconscious that we don’t want to deal with. No better way to keep from dealing with a past hurt then to create drama in the present.

One of the purposes of relationships is to heal the past. If its not a purpose is most certainly something we will use our relationship for. To do this we will unconsciously recreate the past only this time having someone we trust work through the hurt and doing so heal them.  The trick to healing the past we bring to the present is to make it conscious. Making our issues conscious allows us to respond to a event vice react.

Its interesting that you said “He laid out on the table at the beginning of the relationship what he needed from me and I pretty much ripped all of those things and threw them back in his face.“  He basically told you how to hurt him which you did. Is it possible the past your trying to heal is one in which someone you loved left you or couldn’t give you what you needed and a part of you perhaps feels it was your fault, that you weren’t good enough?  So now when in relationship you subconsciously recreate the past by creating scenarios were you push those you love away from you hoping that they will stay and prove you wrong. Only until you make something like that conscious and take ownership of it (its not about your partner) will you stop reacting.

Unfortunately, it takes 100 positive “at a boy/girl” to overcome one negative experience.  So we push and push those we love away no mater how many times they reassure us… until we decided to stop or we create what we feared, the false reality that something is wrong with us and were not good enough, everyone leaves us…..

Hi Sarah

Sorry your feeling so down. I wish there was some magic words that could suddenly help you to view life differently.

Life is a ever turning cycle. That reality is life’s wonder which can bring hope, but if were honest also despair as we so wish to be in control and force life to conform to our will.

Advice for what its worth. There is a time in every hero’s journey where they must preserver without leaning on hope. This is a time of deep uncertainty and doubt yet the hero continues. Its kind of interesting but it seems to me anyway, that it is often the loss of hope while continuing to push through, becoming comfortable with uncertainty and doubt that is the point in the story that opportunity presents itself. A opportunity that the hero may never have imagined possible yet where they discover their gold. (You may enjoy the book The Alchemist)

Its ok to be uncertain, to doubt and not being able to envision a future. This may be a time where your task is to focus on completing your PHD and letting go of expectations of where you imagine you “should” be.  What is required at this time it to continue the every day tasks, ‘moving’ while keeping your eyes open.

Pay attention when your thinking goes all or nothing. For example ‘things will always be this way’, ‘I will always be lonely’, ‘I know what others are thinking’… This cognitive distortion language is the language of depression and anther task that the hero must overcome. Most of that type of cognitive distortion come from fear, most of which is ‘false evidence appearing real’. The danger is that when we fixate on these distortions and thoughts that we can create what we fear

The first thought that came to mind when I read you post was that here is a person with nothing to lose and having nothing to lose the opportunity to take a chance and surprise herself. Be the hero of your story.

Hi Lisa

I am worried that if I do this therapy, I will end up hating my mother and father and I think that would really hurt me a lot.

“All parents damage their children. It cannot be helped. Youth, like pristine glass, absorbs the prints of its handlers. Some parents smudge, others crack, a few shatter childhoods completely into jagged little pieces, beyond repair.” ― Mitch Albom

The reality of all relationships is that its not possible to give or receive everything we need. Its just not.

As Mitch Albom noted even the most perfect parents will fail… perhaps by being perfect setting up the child’s expectations for perfection.

One of the tasks of becoming (individuation) is coming to terms with the mother and father complex. (every adult is faced with this task) The intention here isn’t about blaming one’s parents but taking responsibility for one’s own nurturing of the self and setting up healthy boundaries.  That said our relationship with our parents has influence our ability to nurture and protect ourselves so working with your therapist to dig into that relationship can be helpful.

Again, its not about blame but becoming more conscious of what we need to work on within ourselves (its not about your parents or your x, this is about you and becoming the best you.) During the process it is likely that you will see your parents as individuals. Individuals with needs, hopes and dreams separate from the role of mother and father who like all human beings succeed and failed. Doing so will create space for you to give yourself what they may not have been able to give you. (Connecting to the energy of the mother/father archetype within taking responsibly for your growth)

The exercise of sitting in front of an empty chair is a form of active imagination where you get to hear your thoughts out load. Nothing like hearing our thoughts out loud to point out where we are being real or not.   The process is not about your x or being right or wrong but a means of gaining clarity and release. No judgments against your self or others. Eventually you may realize ‘you’ are not your experiences or your emotions. You have experiences and emotions. Getting to a place where you can make that distinction allows the experience to flow verses becoming ‘constipated’ by it.

Buy yes if you are not comfortable or ready for that type of therapy your therapist should respect that… however expect him/her to push a little. We all need to be pushed a little.

I liked the book – ‘Learning to Fall: The Blessings of an Imperfect Life’ by Philip Simmons

Philip Simmons was thirty-five years old when he learned he had less than five years to live. The book contains short stories  and reflections about his experiences

It changed the way I looked at my own ‘falling’

Some passages taken from the introduction of the book

At one time or another, each of us confronts an experience so powerful, bewildering, joyous, or terrifying that all our efforts to see it as a “problem” are futile. Each of us is brought to the cliff’s edge. At such moments we can either back away in bitterness or confusion, or leap forward into mystery. And what does mystery ask of us? Only that we be in its presence, that we fully, consciously, hand ourselves over. That is all, and that is everything. We can participate in mystery only by letting go of solutions. This letting go is the first lesson of falling, and the hardest.

Think again of falling as a figure of speech. We fall on our faces, we fall for a joke, we fall for someone, we fall in love. In each of these falls, what do we fall away from? We fall from ego, we fall from our carefully constructed identities, our reputations, our precious selves. We fall from ambition, we fall from grasping, we fall, at least temporarily, from reason. And what do we fall into? We fall into passion, into terror, into unreasoning joy. We fall into humility, into compassion, into emptiness, into oneness with forces larger than ourselves, into oneness with others whom we realize are likewise falling. We fall, at last, into the presence of the sacred, into godliness, into mystery, into our better, diviner natures

We are all—all of us—falling. We are all, now, this moment, in the midst of that descent, fallen from heights that may now seem only a dimly remembered dream, falling toward a depth we can only imagine, glimpsed beneath the water’s surface shimmer. And so let us pray that if we are falling from grace, dear God let us also fall with grace, to grace. If we are falling toward pain and weakness, let us also fall toward sweetness and strength. If we are falling toward death, let us also fall toward life.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 11 months ago by Peter.

Dear Marki

Unfortunately its very common ‘teaching’ method to push the students to extremes, to tear them down so you can build them up….  And not everyone reacts well to that type of learning environment.

I don’t know much about design. What is it about design that attracted you to it? Do you know anyone currently working in the field that you could talk to? I suspect that, similar to most careers, there will be aspects of a job you love, some you hate and most that you don’t spend much time thinking about either way. I also suspect the same is true for any education program.

The trick then would be to not over emphasis the parts you don’t like, recognizing there is a time for all things, while insuring that when those parts come around that you like you allow yourself to fully enjoy them.

In general most people will stay focused on the negative so a practice of noticing when you holding on to a negative thought longer then necessary and then developing strategy to detach yourself from that type of focus could be helpful.

Another practice might be to avoid labeling any of the experiences good or bad… and that can be helpful however if your not skilled lead to indifference vice being able to hold the tension of reaming engaged in the experience while not attaching your sense of self to the experience. That said School is meant to be a engaging experience where you get to learn from the highs and the lows.

Nothing you learn, even the stuff learned the hard way, will be wasted. Be kind to your self, enjoy the roller coaster. You have handled everything that has come your way so far and you will continue to do so.  There are many paths to get to were we want to go…

I don’t know many people who ended up in the place they thought they should be… I do know many people who are very glad that that was so.

I agree with Kkasxo

The issue your having isn’t’ about this girl or her past its about how your ideal of what kind of past a person deserving your love should have. Which is fine as long as your being honest with yourself and that qualification for love is important to you however it begs the question as to if are capable of seeing her as she is and not only as a projection of your own needs and ‘standards’.  Sorry if I’m being harsh but if you can’t get over this ‘hurt’ you feel she has done to you what your experiencing is not love. (Life demands growth so this experiencing may push you into a deeper relationship with love or it may leave you bitter without have learned very much about yourself)

You can choose to be happy and witness and love each other as you both are, the good the bad and the ugly, or you can continue to blame her for “hurting” you for not being the ideal perfect person you imagine she must be to have your love. It doesn’t take a physic to predict how the latter choice will work out.

Realising that you are aware of possibly having a “Disney like idea of love” suggests an intuition that something deeper exists. Am I correct in saying that you have a habit of over thinking things because you enjoy figuring things out. Why you and others do the things they do?  As all such things such a way of being can be a gift as well as a problem. Knowing when to reflect on mattes and when to enjoy the moment without having to ‘know’.  I suspect you will get there.

There are two books by David Richo that I wish I had read by your age.

‘How to Be an Adult in Love’, and ‘How to be a Adult In Relationships’ You may find them helpful as you work through your explorations of Love. And just maybe get to the point

All the best. Don’t be to hard on yourself.