Heya Anita,

So he bailed on me at the last minute!

I had a feeling he might do this – the night before he had texted me and expressed a concern about meeting. He claimed his concern was around me and my welfare. At the time I thought this was a little bit odd and wondered if he was projecting his doubts onto me. All I said was “That was thoughtful of you.” and left it there. We had already agreed a time and place so did not think it was necessary to confirm we were still meeting.

I was really angry when he first told me he was not going to come and meet me – especially since he has left it so last minute to cancel on me. Half an hour before we were supposed to meet! He claimed to have injured himself. It is true that it was inconsiderate of him to delay telling me until the last minute. However I managed to keep a calm head and quelled the urge to tell him to fuck off. I called him once and he didn’t pick up which annoyed me. I felt ignored. In my head: He’s just cancelled on me last minute and doesn’t have the decency to even call me to tell me, or pick up his phone when I call, he’s just going to ignore me yadda yadda yadda….

So I waited a short while and sent a text asking him if he was nervous and explaining I just wanted to meet because texting is awful for proper communication and I thought we could meet to a view to understand each other better. This worked. He said he was anxious about engaging with the ‘dynamic’ he experienced again, and he agreed what I had said was reasonable. (Kinna hints at my anger issue – don’t you think?)

Then I called him and we re-arranged our plans. I made a point on the phone of opening up the conversation to discussing any further reservations he might have, which he did not. Hopefully he will be less anxious now and still meet with me on Thursday.

He did sound a bit uncomfortable on the phone.

On another issue, I contacted an old ex over the weekend who said he had loved me very much but my anger made it too difficult for him to be with me. That was sobering, I’m glad he was so straight up with me. It wasn’t discussed when we broke up. He’s happy to meet with me and talk to me about it.

Seems like I will be eating a lot of humble pie this week.

-Feathering

• This reply was modified 6 years ago by Feathering my nest.

The over-planning is the anxiety talking.

Thx.

No worries RE: the gift. x

Heya Anita,

The gift:

Its actually a one-off and I’d like to send you the real thing, if that is possible. (Might require some arrangements in order to keep you private and protected and all that! But I have a few ideas.)

Regarding anger:

My therapist asked me “What is your experience of rejection?” Its something I need to unpick. Instinctivly it feels like the mothership of my anger.

That _and_: my last relationship -which was on/off basically limping along for a whole two years ended very badly. This is a different man to the one whom I discussed in this thread.

He was not there for me when I needed him, he did not have much of a concept of what it meant to be in a reciprocal relationship. And I just kept going: kept giving. He’s quite autistic and I put his lack of efforts down to this. There are lots of things I am very angry with him for, and I am angry with myself for staying with him for so long. It ended when I first found the hairs of another woman in his bed – I suspect his ex. He claimed she stayed in his house while he was away with work. I was deeply unsettled, we talked about it and I was unequivocal in demanding that he needed to be 100% honest with me, and upfront about his friendship with his ex. (Years ago, he had dumped me and gone back out with her.) Shortly after I was humiliated to find out he’d lied to me and spent Christmas with his ex, and not with his brother as he led me to believe. I ended it right away. It was such a slap in the face after I had worked so hard and given so much.

One time – when I was out with the gentleman whom I wrote about at the start of this – I had a go at him, essentially thinking he was this ex of mine.

Occasionally I re-lived feelings it was literally like a case of PTSD. So if it took him a while to respond to a text message, it would take me instantly right back to a place of intense negativity that I associated with my ex. I also angrily demanded validation and praise from this guy, because I had felt that so sorely lacking in my last relationship.

We had a complicated interaction once. One time I found myself shouting at him to “Fuck off” and “Nobody is MAKING you stay here. If you want to leave and not be with me then just GO.” I yelled this because he had looked disgusted and said to me: “What you just said implies I’m selfish, which hurts because I worry I am selfish. Why would you hang out with me if you think I am selfish?”

So yeah: in response to that I yelled at him to fuck off. It was a knee-jerk reaction and totally inappropriate for that present situation. Really off-kilter.

He pretended not to hear me which meant I could back-track and ask a sensible question instead of being so reactive. I found out later, that he had heard me.

Anyway that was the last time we hung out together as an item: he was declined to meet me the next time I asked him out, so I said it wasn’t going to work. We agreed to meet and talk: he dumped me. (But then we connected really well and left the pub holding hands – which confused me.)

-Feathering

• This reply was modified 6 years ago by Feathering my nest.
• This reply was modified 6 years ago by Feathering my nest.
• This reply was modified 6 years ago by Feathering my nest.

Hey Anita,

Calmer now. We re-arranged for the weekend. I have time to prepare. 🙂

I wonder if anger is what he referred to when he said something like your friendly is not friendly (I don’t remember the exact wording)?

Yes I have often thought of this and I agree. I agree with your comment on eye contact as well.

I’ll gift him the lavender balm that I bought for him too. That was a thank you for having my back when I was assaulted.

•laughs•

this picture says it all: https://instagram.com/p/BhEhtj0BSIK/

Hey Anita,

I hope you had a good weekend.

Thank you for your reply, I agree with most of what you have to say aside from one thing, its a subtle point but important.

You suggest I was unloved as a child: it is true there were times when I was rejected and I was not treated with love. You say – when a child feels this pain once they feel it forever. The child’s sense of time it not like our sense of time and it feels like forever. My parents didn’t love me once – and as a five year old this ‘once’ becomes forever.

However its also true that there were times when I was loved by my parents. As humans, they are not perfect. I think this is probably closer to the truth than “My parents never loved me.” The ‘stubborn fantasy’ is that my parents were perfect. The expectation of continual unconditional love is the fantasy. The pain of multiple rejections (which, to the child mind, were forever) is still very real and very valid and needs to be honored.

It is important to recognize this: I have a good relationship with my parents now. Sometimes they piss me off, push my buttons. However there is no doubt that they love me and support me now. That is in the only way they know how – and sometimes, that is not what I need at that moment- I can see why I developed the neurosis and sore points that I did. I can see that they are both wounded also, and they are making the best of a life that challenges them as well.

This is the middle path and one that appropriately serves my needs as an adult.

Since writing this thread, I’ve made an effort to talk about my anxieties and feelings with my friends more, in the past I very very rarely discussed my emotional life and romantic relationships. My friends have given me love, support and understanding. Validated me. This experience has been healing.

I texted this guy and asked to meet so we would talk in person (this argument all happened over text message, which is embarrassing.) He has written back but I am sitting with this anxious feeling and training myself to tolerate it. When I read his message, I will not react but I will respond. This means waiting for the anxiety to subside before I write back- waiting a day or so.

If we meet, while I do not expect us to ‘fix’ the problem and get back together, I do hope that I can be honest and vulnerable with him. (To a degree: there is a point where I think I will just trigger myself into more relational anxiety or avoidance.)
My hope is that we can meet and understand one another better. Last time we meet to discuss a relational issue the outcome was positive, we both left feeling energized and refreshed. He said he was proud of us both. I will remind him of this if he is hesitant to meet and explain the goal is of understanding one another. I will stand my ground because this is important to me.

With metta,

Feathering

• This reply was modified 6 years ago by Feathering my nest.

Heya Anita,

Ok. You give so much to others and I wanted to check.

I think I have passed through the eye of the storm.
There are still behaviors and issues that I need to unpick so I can put the breaks on them.

At the moment I feel quite stuck- I don’t see how I can get past my problems without being in a relationship and having to confront those problems. But equally, I can’t seem to get into one because of my problems.
I don’t trust that whomever I choose to date does not have the same or similar issues. Its that line of logic often found in that stupid self help stuff: “you pick unavailable people because you are unavailable.” It undermines me from the very beginning and makes me think that all my attempts are futile, its very demoralizing.

I did text the gentleman in question and basically told him:

I think the situation is rubbish, I keep finding or learning interesting things that I think he would enjoy. That I was sorry for being angry and could believe his comment that my “Friendship wasn’t very friendly.” That I had come to accept I had issues. And that I still have this gift of lavender balm for him, which I bought as a thank-you for having my back when I was assaulted.

That was two days ago and I was feeling very anxious that I would be rejected after sending that text. So I sat with the anxious feeling instead of looking to see if he had replied. The anxious feeling has subsided now. (Still haven’t looked though.)

With thanks,

Feathering my Nest.

• This reply was modified 6 years ago by Feathering my nest.