@Tim how are you? How are you coping with Rupert? I miss your correspondence. I hope you are ok would love to hear from you.

Anyone there? I feel really lonely of late.

i feel I’m slipping. I’m trying hard to talk myself out of it.

@ Adelaide1 It all depends on circumstances, whether the person brings positive energy in your life or not. Thanks, it’s a journey but I’m trying hard to not let the latest train of thoughts derail me.

@Shelbyville I’m hoping and assuming you are fine hence no correspondence. However do let us know as I’m worried because you asked us to stay on stand by and not heard. You mentioned when your anxiety was heightened in the past you were scared to do something stupid. I hope you are ok. x

@Shelbyville do let us know how you are coping and if you are ok, even if it a short message and if you still need us on stand by so I’ll check TB for your messages x

@Shelbyville,

Its good to hear from you, sometimes I lack tact so I was worried.

I’m so so, I need that routine, I feel myself slipping and I think the idea of undoing all the progress being back to square 1 is frightening me.

What are the odds we both had a pregnancy scare? At least you had better odds with you dating currently mine was just pure stupidity!! Crazy hormones.

Lady infections are crappy, try cranberry juice for it!! Medicine quickly sorts it out so you did the best thing going to drs.

The cold sore could be from oral play or kissing, have you had it before? If not you must have got it from him. Or it could be a rash from wearing masks if you have to use them regularly.

I’m sad to hear you feel so low, him behaving like that is a reflection of him, not you. If he isn’t consistent in caring then it tells you it was a front. A genuine caring person remains good regardless.

I really don’t know what to make of him. Is he depressed so he is unable to offer more? Or is he just stringing you along because he is bored but disinterested in taking it further?

All I can conclude is he is disturbing your peace of mind, he has made you feel more negative than good maybe it is unintentionally and it is arising because of a lack of compatibility. That should be speaking to you, telling you to cut your losses walk away. You still haven’t explained why you feel compelled to put up with it?

In your own words just to name a few things you feel so early on;

• Bland texts/conversations
• Lost the magic
• Called you moody
• Scant communication
• Inconsistent behaviour by him – care

Maybe KKasxo can give you a fresh perspective. In the meantime, I’m happy to offer advice too which may be direct but it is with your best interests. Have you seen your therapist?

Don’t spend tonight feeling sad over someone who doesn’t deserve it, you should feel sad for him that he doesn’t appreciate a person who is so loyal, giving, and attentive. You deserve more Shelby.

Don’t run around like a headless chicken. He should be just as excited to see you, planning days with you, not leaving it all to you, if he isn’t don’t you dare bend over backward for him. People take advantage!

Virtual hug x

@Shelbyville

Mother nature has visited, definitely not pregnant. It was impossible but somehow I wanted to be. I know I wouldn’t enjoy runs whilst I’m suffering!! I thought you can’t go out when self-isolating? I live in the city so would bump into people, my neighbour is also a curtain twitcher and tattle tale so I can’t be dealing with that crap or being fined! I have work to do from home but don’t feel as productive when I’m under the weather. I lay there staring at the ceiling and just think think and think! Not great for me currently.

To distract myself, I completed reading your whole thread today! You’ve helped loads of people but have you really loved and helped yourself?

Just my POV and food for thought, I think there could be some unresolved emotions you have not dealt with about ex, self-worth, and attachment issues. This week will be 2 years since you broke up properly from the ex. First of all CONGRATS, you survived! Be proud.

Now for some real analysis – could be off, but it appears before that third reunion attempt you jumped into a few dates in Jan 19 realised you wanted another try with the ex, 3rd attempt happened in March-May but ended for good. The resentment comment by the ex spurred you to move forward three months on in Aug where there is no way you would have been emotionally available, I’m not after 6 months. You met your poor guy friend who appears to have got caught in the crossfire of your emotions. He definitely sparked something in you to attempt dating properly, he helped you up too and it appears you may have used him, I don’t know if that was intentionally/unintentionally but it would explain his unreliable behaviour towards you when you became just friends. That must have been painful, I do hope you did not lead him on to fill a need because you mentioned you felt sneaky. During quarantine when most relationships were breaking, without his presence, you began to feel something more but I’m guessing something happened between you two as you said the lines were drawn. You then discovered your ex has definitely moved on over an app and shortly after the guy friend and ex news you started casually dating two people, guy 1 you didn’t even like much but cried over. Guy 2 you don’t appear to be getting your needs met fully but you are clinging for a reason only known to you. You have pretty much been nonstop in/out of relationships since ex, most likely to feel loved, it wouldn’t surprise me if you had back up options lined up when things went south with one of the new people you were dating. If this insight holds any truth then I’d say step back and recentre yourself. Ask yourself if the ex miraculously had a change of heart and came back right now, what would you really do? Your words were few weeks back;
“As for my ex, I wish I could say I’m over him and so much better and have great self worth. But it’s not that, I now accept the situation, but I don’t see myself as being better off”

The reason being single is important is because you can’t know who you are if you’re constantly with someone. You can’t really appreciate the lessons and have proper emotional closure from your previous relationship if you’re almost immediately sliding into a new one. Old wounds never heal this way. You may have acceptance but you don’t have all the other things in line to be in a healthy relationship yet. If you continue as you are you’ll get hurt or you’ll hurt others unknowingly.

IF THE ABOVE IS ENTIRELY INCORRECT then ignore BUT IT IS MY HONEST THOUGHTS BASED ON WHAT I READ.

Back to right now, I think because you are not self-confident, it comes across as you will settle for less than you deserve. Probably the most harmful thing about being in a relationship where you don’t know what you want is that it makes you passive. If you were confident and knew exactly what your needs/wants were you’d assert them. It is why you probably get caught up in a ball of anxiety because there’s a conflict there and a huge part of you seeking validation.

You owe it to yourself foremost and to your partner to be intentional about your decisions. It’s not worth staying in a relationship just for comfort’s sake or because you are afraid of being alone. You kind of already know you are dissatisfied but keep uttering I’m not strong enough to walk away. What scares you about standing up for yourself at least?

Your ex you knew for years so can’t compare him to the new guy, it would be unfair. Shouldn’t really compare anyone to be fair. You judge people by their actions. Does this person make me feel special? How much effort is he putting in to meet me halfway? Is he consistent?

The more details you are revealing it does appear it may possibly be that he suffers from low self-worth/insecurities or depression.

Long-lasting sadness or irritability – with work
High and low moods – sometimes excited by you sometimes not (hot/cold)
Social withdrawal – sleep and music
Inability to feel pleasure or take interest in activities – needs a jolt from a horror film

Although you may be getting just enough now in his presence you really need to weigh up if you suffering anxiety and him possibly depression/insecurity issues is a good mix long term. If it is healthy? You require a lot of support yourself. Two broken people either fit together perfectly or destroy each other beyond repair.

All this conjecture, you are the only two people who know exactly what is happening, so the only way to find out is to talk it out. Communicate! Ask without being reserved or scared of the answer. The more you talk about things with substance instead of general chit chat over the phone, the more you’ll discover. It shouldn’t be this hard. x

Hi @Shelbyville,

Thank you for replying. I’m a mess today. Crying over stupid things because I’m run down and definitely hormonal! The new exercises and running delayed my cycle, and I stupidly found myself worrying could I be pregnant? Absolutely impossible! Then I worked myself into a frenzy; I’m never going to have children! Missing him, wondering what our kids would have looked like even thinking if they would have had his blue eyes or my green, etc etc etc! How has this even happened? 🙁 Why can’t it be once you are over something you are over it! Linear!

I’m also aware because I’m ill, I have more time to think and this whole new Lockdown rules have been getting to me. People who would make me feel better can’t even come over. Although I’m ok with being alone, it is so lonely and depressing when ill. I just want some warmth from my rocks.

What worries me is without distraction from work, running, socialising, helping over this forum does that mean my thoughts haven’t been dealt with?

Anyway, hows your anxiety? Are things continuing to blossom, is he engaging better now? I hope you are well. Some respite from my shit thoughts today would be nice!

Thank you @Shelbyville, I needed to hear some positive boost today. I am feeling run down and haven’t been able to do my now regular runs so my routine feels amiss and obviously that throws me when I do not have a rigid structure. I think because I feel poorly I miss him today, having someone there to make me feel better or that attention. I don’t want to be with him anymore so that is something. I am proud of myself for powering through but today I just feel bleurgh all around.

I’m really glad to hear you had what sounds like a fantastic weekend. Wow, that’s a turn of events! Definitely sounds like a massive miscommunication or you have allowed your fear to skew your interpretation of your situations. He seems to be spending a lot of his prime time – weekends, with you. To be fair to him he has been upfront and stated it is currently casual and it is up to you to accept that and let go of any other expectations, relax and enjoy the ride whatever it may be and it may just blossom.

Maybe this weekend allow him to come to you, allow him to put in the leg work, and plan something. You deserve to be made to feel special especially when in the early phases of dating.

The anxiety is obviously arising because in your gut you know he is filling a need but not the right fit for you or you want to be exclusive which will give you reassurance and not having had confirmation means that when you are not in his physical company you get anxious and think of all the negative possibilities. If you had self-worth then all this would disappear you wouldn’t use people for voids and you would also not be worried about the outcome because you would know if he doesn’t accept you for who you are you deserve better.

Now your weekends are becoming more regular did you discuss where it is heading or did you not feel the need to? Can you accept being casual and him enjoying intimacy with you with the possibility it may end? Or do you feel the more intimate you are the more attached you will become? Weigh it up based on your past relationships, you will know what makes you become attached. It appears physical intimacy does so tread carefully. Because if the scenario is this person views you as Miss Right Now and is enjoying all it encompasses rather than seeing you as Mrs. Right will all this investment damage you when there may have been red flags.

All you can really do if you want to take the risk is not self-sabotage or that will just heighten everything, try and remember we all have fluctuating emotions, individual stressors, some more than others. You know how just being a woman is an emotional rollercoaster. The time of the month alone can make us crazy a week before and during! So cut him some slack when he appears “cold”, men may have their own time of their month too.  No one is going to be 100% lovey-dovey 24/7. Manage your expectations or communicate what you need if you want a serious relationship. See how he acts if his actions are showing he cares and wants to put forth the effort that is a positive baby step forward.

We can only comment based on how much information we have from your posts, so try and assess your situation objectively don’t be naive either by dismissing your own needs in hope of appeasing or convincing him to commit. It never ends well. Further down the line, it will all seep out. If you feel incompatibility deep down in having your needs met then pay attention to that. Don’t cling to anyone. Remember we are sent lessons until we learn.

I can’t imagine what it must be like having anxiety and not being able to distinguish what is your gut and what is fear/self-sabotage. I’m not surprised you are exhausted. What did your gut feel with the ex? Did it turn out right? Is your gut sound? Or do you need to learn to use a different approach a combination of gut, heart, and mind?

I do think based on what has happened compared to what you were thinking all week you may have become accustomed to allowing Martha to dictate the show post ex.

As I grow and learn I realise a lot of my anger I have directed at other men instead of the ex. I noticed a lot of questions I ask about your guy friend you dismiss, I ask because after reading your posts I realised you met in Aug last year and during the lockdown, you thought you had feelings. That says a lot about him for you to keep him around. So I want to apologise, I’m sorry for insinuating your guy friend is only friends with you because he wants to bed you. I shouldn’t slander someone’s character when I know so little and should remain fair. One thing for certain is you have consistently said he is good and described him in that light and how he supported you. If anything the situation could be entirely different in his view as you did meet him last summer whilst still in love with your ex and mentioned you were sneaky with him so given some of your behavior recently to do with self-worth and attachment you may have used him and he felt that?  So two sides to the story. So from now on, I will try to give both sides equal expression rather than assume every guy is a turd. This will be more helpful for your own character growth too.

I do feel I need the same too. If I make a mistake about the new guy please correct me or if I’m coming across as anti-men. I want to build my character in more ways than one.