Hi Anita,

Wow! that definitely made me chuckle and yes… I’ve always loved my username here. Didn’t expect it to show up on a winery sign though! Don’t know if it’s possible to share images here, But I’d actually love to see that.

About love and the whole “not feeling alone” part… I don’t feel alone exactly.. but carrying things on my own for a while does get heavy. Some genuine emotional support would definitely feel nice, you know?

Right now, my priority is still building a stable career. That said, I’m not closed off to love or a relationship. Thankfully, where I’m staying now, I do have a good support circle. Friends who aren’t perfect, but they’re emotionally aware and supportive.

But like I mentioned in my recent post, I think that scarcity mindset is still there. Maybe that’s why I keep feeling this underlying lack.

Hey Anita, kind of you to check in.
I’m doing okay these days… a bit up and down like I mentioned the recent post

Yia sou Tee,

You’re feeling better? Or at least able to dance? Haha

I’m glad your father is feeling better. It seems you’re upset about him not doing some physical exercises to help with his recovery. Do you express this frustration to him, do you quarrel with him? Or can you let it go?

No, I don’t express frustration to him. But yeah, sometimes I do raise my voice when I can’t bear it. Mostly I just let it go and focus on myself.

But I’m glad it helped you. It seems you’ve got a new motivation to apply for jobs and you’re feeling more focused. Yeah, I can imagine if you spend 10 days mostly meditating, with no distractions, your brain is really focused and sharp. Good for you, SereneWolf! I hope you get a job you like ASAP 🙏

Yes, it’s better. I want to keep this habit of meditation and mindfulness because sometimes I still get overwhelmed with emotions, and because of that, I procrastinate. This week was quite productive though. Also, I’m using better strategies as well. I started actually applying with another friend. she’s also going through similar things. So it’s kinda like good support as well.

But that’s a distortion, it’s not true love. People shouldn’t have children to serve a certain function, but to love them and care for them. It’s unfortunate if the entire culture sees children as a source of pride (but selfish, ego pride, like “my child has a better job than yours”) and also a source of income and sustenance in old age. It’s quite utilitarian.

Yes, I agree. The sad thing is it’s always the comparison. That’s why they aren’t happy with what their kids achieved. They’ll be like, “No, their kids achieved more, you do that too.”

You’d need to learn what true parental love is. It’s unconditional. Even if you don’t perform perfectly, the parent loves you. They never withdraw their love, even though they set boundaries on unwanted behavior.

Yes, I want to learn and actually experience unconditional love (not just parental). but do you really think love can be unconditional? or it’s just a myth, Even are there people who can love you unconditionally? Because even blood related people can’t love unconditionally so. Isn’t that too much expectation waiting to be shattered. that’s what I was thinking lately

So the goal would be to learn to love yourself for who you are, not what you can provide for others. Of course, you’re a caring person and you don’t have a problem with giving, but when you’re only loved when you give, when you perform, when you fulfill other people’s expectations, that’s very crushing for the soul. And it kills self-esteem. So you’d need to heal that.

I hope you find a good therapist. By the way, what was the problem with the previous two? You said they were very generic.

Thanks a lot. I had a therapy session a few days ago and I did give the pointers that you mentioned, and she suggested two things. First, have a wallet photo of my childhood self and be kinder to him, or whenever I’m too critical, just look at it so I can know who I’m getting angry at and judging. (I think much earlier you or maybe Anita suggested me this) Also, she told me to write letter, especially to my father. I don’t have to send but put all the frustration and internal hate there and let it out.

This therapist is actually Asian, that’s why she can understand Asian family dynamics better. And no disrespect, but British therapists were too vague and generic, like “that is wrong” and “blah blah,” but I’m like, you don’t understand—it’s not only my parents, it’s literally the norm and culture here. So I don’t want to put effort into changing the whole culture. And then luckily, I found this one when I emailed that I specifically wanted an Asian therapist.

Don’t forget to relax and have fun on the weekend! 🙏

Kon’nichiwa Tee,

How have you been?

How is your father doing? What are the doctors saying (if you don’t mind me asking)

My father is doing okay, though we’ve been changing hospitals now and then because sometimes his coughing gets worse. He has TB, but it’s now just a six-month prevention course of doses.

Cool! I’m glad you have a positive outlook and aren’t panicking but are sending applications for the type of positions you like the best. I wish you luck!

Thanks but Recently, I’ve been feeling that old sense of losing self-worth without a job. It’s been so many months and there’s still no progress, so many applications, no replies. The stress and self-doubt I was fearing before is starting to build again. On top of that, the financial pressure from hospital bills, family stress, and the loneliness… even though I had good savings, it’s wearing me down.

Isn’t your father still working? Or if not, isn’t he receiving retirement? I’m a little confused as to you being the only breadwinner?
No, my father isn’t working, and there’s no retirement either since he was in the family business.

Cooking is honestly the only thing keeping me sane right now. I’m trying to entertain myself, but I rarely find anything that really clicks.

You can say you’ve lost your job because of Trump’s tariffs and AI 😀 But that you’re actively looking for a job at the moment. I don’t think there’s anything embarrassing about that. If the girl has some flexibility, she’ll understand…

And yeah, finding someone is actually hard both online and especially here in a small town.

Sorry she ghosted you like that 🙁 But I know you’re not too attached to finding someone, and that’s a good thing, specially in cases like this, when the person just stops responding. Who knows what was in her head… but anyway, good that it doesn’t affect you too much…
Still, sometimes when I feel lonely I check her profile, but she hasn’t posted in months. It was rare, but I still do it. I know she doesn’t deserve my energy but yeah..

I need to think less and do more. As a famous add said “Just do it!”. That’s what I need more of – just do it, don’t overthink it. 🙂

I agree with what you said because I also know deep down that no matter what, I’ll figure things out if I just get the opportunity.

Also, I decided to focus on improving the parts of my life that I am able to improve (such as my career), and not obsess about the things I cannot change, such as my health. So that’s a version on the Serenity prayer: focus on improving what I can change, stop focusing and complaining about the things I cannot change.

It’s such a good reminder thank you for that!

Aloha Tee,

It’s really good to hear from you after so long! I’m sorry you had to go through such a tough period, both physically and mentally.. I can only imagine how frustrating it must’ve been to deal with that sudden deterioration and feeling like nothing was working. I’m glad your knee has been doing a bit better lately and that you’ve found a bit of hope again that’s no small thing when you’ve been in that kind of headspace.

And honestly, your realization about projecting that “hostile higher power” feeling onto your mother is huge. That kind of awareness takes a lot of self-reflection. It’s inspiring that you were able to reframe it and see that there’s a more benevolent power out there. I think it’s pretty amazing that even with the pain and the fear, you still have hope for the future and are willing to keep taking those steps forward.
How’s your day to day now? Are you able to get out for those short walks more regularly?

As for me… it’s been a bit of a rollercoaster too. I actually lost my job a few months ago the one I really enjoyed. It hit me hard at first, but I can also understand it. With the way things are changing in the industry (thanks to Trump’s policies) so they just focused on profit. Still, it’s been tough.. I’ve been applying for jobs since but haven’t had much luck yet. And I haven’t been as productive as I could be, because after sending out so many applications without good results, you start feeling drained. And with AI shaking up the tech sector, plus more competition in remote sustainability roles, I’ve been feeling a bit lost again.

That job had actually boosted my self esteem a lot, and losing it made me realize how much I’d tied my self identity to it. Now I’m back to that feeling of “what’s going to happen next?” And yeah, I’ll admit I’m also a bit scared about getting close to 30.
But to keep myself sane I’ve been working out regularly, I started to love my body even more. Journaling sometimes. I have supportive people in my life and even when we weren’t talking but you teaching and words was there so thanks again for that.

Travel wise, I’ve already covered a lot of southern Asia. I’m starting again this Thursday. I spent almost 2.5 months in my hometown because my father got sick. I’m glad I got that family time, but it was also mentally heavy. So I’ve decided to live alone again my close friend is nearby, which helps. Without a job, I’m still the only one financially supporting my family, and that part is exhausting too, especially when there’s zero acknowledgment or validation for it. and yeah I didn’t told my family about that I’m not employed.

But I guess, like you said, it’s about putting one foot in front of the other and doing it anyway.

Dear Tee,

I know you’ve been going through some health issues, and I just want to say. I really hope you’re doing alright. And if you’re in any pain, I hope it eases soon. You’ve been such an important part of my healing journey, more than you probably know. I hope you read this one day and it brings a smile to your face. Please take good care of yourself..

That’s totally fine. Not in hurry. Just wanted to check in.
Have fun filled holidays.
I’m doing alright. At my hometown.

Hi Tee,
How’s your weekend going?

Slowmading…. wow, that’s a completely new term to me, needed to look it up. It says: ”someone who travels slowly – spending anywhere from 2 to 6 months in the same place. Some slowmads might even spend a whole year with the same home base.” Okay, got it: first you want to be a nomad, then slowmad 🙂

I’d say first my plan is for slowmadding. Since I would at least be spending one month in the place that I choose. And after that (Probably after marriage) Just settle down in one country.

So you hooked up with someone, after having a lot to drink? Is that what you’re saying? And then your young friend scolded you for that?

No not hookup. Just drinking and dancing. But my young friend scolded me because I joined the stranger group since it wasn’t that “trustful” area. Sometimes people get scammed that way.
Although they did drink the alcohol from my money and didn’t even ask. So I guess I did get partially scammed?😂 But I had fun, But yeah lession learned.

I don’t know if you should specially declare it. In the old days, when I was dating 🙂 it was somehow understood that you mean seriously if you start dating someone. By seriously I don’t mean that you are planning to tie the knot with the person, but to have a committed relationship with no predefined expiry date. So the intention was to stay together for as long as it feels right… and then of course many times the relationship did expire because of various incompatibilities. People did break up. But the intention was to at least in theory have a long-term relationship (at least that was my intention 🙂 ).

Old days dating was much simpler than this right? But looking at that it did also mean try again and again until you get the right partner. But when you get into fully committed relationship one after another in case they don’t work out wouldn’t it get hard to move on? And Tiring. Because then it feels like pure luck. It doesn’t matter what you do or what efforts you make.

That’s why I think you’d need to work on your fear of intimacy before you can be ready for a serious relationship (or a potentially serious – because there are no guarantees that things will work out.)

So do you suggest that I should wait even for dating? I’m not dating only for the sex part. I feel like I’m ignoring my physical needs for quite a while. I want to hug, cuddle and hold hands. I’m tired being tough guy who doesn’t needs hugs and kisses and always have to act strong.

It’s not so crucial that you tell her that you mean seriously, but that you know it within yourself, and then act accordingly. That you aren’t afraid to develop those “strings” (emotional and physical bond), so that your relationship has “strings attached”.

Okay that’s the answer that I was looking for. Thanks for clearing that out. And yeah I think if we say on level 1 to 5 I’m at 2.7 for not being afraid of developing the “strings”

I think the best is to let things develop organically. If someone is rushing things and suggests marriage on the first or second date, that’s of course suspicious and a red flag. But no woman (emotionally healthy woman) is afraid of a committed guy, who cares about her and is showing interest. Also, someone who listens to and takes into account her needs.

Okay I need to know psychology behind it. What’s wrong with when someone suggest (or more like mentioning and talking about marriage that’s what you mean right?) 2^nd LDR started talking about marriage and husband and wife stuff right after like 2 weeks. And then doctor also mentioned marriage I think around a month or so. But yeah, there was more than 2 dates. Heck even in my Senior Highschool days there was this girl. We were mostly spending time together. And she was one year older than me. So I was like 17 years old and she was like 18 years old. And she literally told her parents that she likes me and she wants to marry me and their parents came to my house for engagement proposal. And I wasn’t even at home. And my parents did actually like her too so they didn’t told them no. and then that evening they told me. And they be like it’s not you have to get married tomorrow. Just engagement for now and then get married after 2-4 years. I was able to say no right away. I guess I didn’t want to disappoint them. And I can’t even told the girl that I don’t love her. But after like few weeks when they started to discuss engagement dates, I snapped like what the heck am I doing? I’m still studying, Still have to build my career. I can’t do this just because I “like” this girl. And dodged that bullet.

So I don’t think you will scare her if you behave as if you mean seriously, relatively soon into the relationship. But I guess your problem is not that you’ll scare the woman with being too eager too soon. But rather you are scared of any kind of commitment (and specially of telling her that you mean seriously), because for you, commitment is tied to many negative things, things you are afraid of.

Maybe you could write down what being in a committed relationship means to you. For example, it might mean the following:

That’s right and thanks for the examples it’s really helpful

– giving up on my needs – At this point I don’t see it as a threat because I think now I can express my needs better

– giving her the right to hurt me – Working on this

– giving her the right to control me – Working on this since I was quite controlling myself

– being seen as a bad person if I have my own needs – Relevant in the past but not now

– being seen as a bad person if I don’t accept her wishes – Why wouldn’t I compromise a little on some of her wishes? Because the man has to step up (most of the time) for their partner’s wishes. Otherwise how would I be supportive if all I can think is my comfort?

– being seen as a bad person if I change my mind, – Yup I do think this. Since I believe you have to stick to what you say.

– being seen as a bad person if I stand up for myself. – I did this in the past

Does any of the above sound true for you? If so, those would be false beliefs that you would need to dissolve before you can let go of your fear of commitment.

Sorry, I didn’t quite get it: so this friend of yours has a habit of replying late, like 24 hours after you sent the text? And you’d like to receive a reply more swiftly and not have such a delay between messages, right?

Yes I don’t like late replies. Depends on the person but yeah.

Well, you always have the option to explain what bothers you and what you’d like instead. You do have the option to express your preferences, set boundaries, etc… what we’ve been talking about recently. This should reduce your fear of feeling helpless and trapped in the relationship…

Yes exactly. In the past If I had to repeat something it would make me angry and then give a silent treatment. But now I think I’m able to express myself little more clearer than before

Okay, it’s good that you’ve identified one of your key problems: lack of self-esteem and the belief that you are not good enough, which also applies to intimate relationships. The impostor syndrome, where you believe that some women are out of your league and you are surprised that they would even be interested etc.

So you’d need to keep working on your self-esteem, on believing that you are an asset, not an a** (similar word to asset, only without the last two letters 😀 ) Ha, this could be even used as an affirmation – provided that you don’t find it stupid or offensive 🙂

Haha good example. I’m actually thinking about starting affirmations and mirror work. But I don’t know mirror work feels funny but I think I’ll give it a try (again).

Cool! That’s why you’ll be nomading/slowmading for the next 3 years…

Yes mam

You didn’t feel loved and accepted by your mother when you expressed your protest, your hurt and anger against your father. Now, as an adult, you probably project your mother into your romantic partners, believing that they would be hurt and upset if you expressed your needs. You believe they would react the same as your mother, who felt hurt when you were disobedient and rebellious towards your father.

Yes that’s right

The truth is that if the girl is emotionally mature, she wouldn’t feel offended or threatened by your legitimate needs. Your mother did, but an emotionally healthy person wouldn’t.

That’s the thing that I need to remember.

Yes, the only option for you was to suppress your “negative” emotions (your anger and hurt), and so suppression became your automatic reaction. So now you’d need to feel all of your feelings (remember what Henry Cloud said: anger is a signal, not a solution). You don’t want to suppress your signalling system – because anger might be telling you that your boundaries are being crossed and that you are being violated. So you don’t want to suppress that very important signal.

But you also want to learn how to respond appropriately, without lashing out and exploding with anger. That’s the task ahead of you: to feel the signal (i.e. feel all your emotions), and then to respond appropriately (in a balanced way).

I don’t lash out that easily. But yeah Thanks for the good reminder from the Henry cloud. Gotta read those signals more.

Yeah, I am not an expert, but it doesn’t seem to me that you’d need to start taking medications. And if you go to a psychiatrist, I think that’s what they’ll suggest because that’s the main tool they have. I’d suggest finding another psychotherapist, if you feel the need for professional help, rather than going to a psychiatrist….

Haha you know the Therapist that I had kind of higher my bar so I feel like finding another psychotherapist wouldn’t be that easy. But I can try to have maybe some demo meetings. I looked it up online and there’s like lots specialist for different things. There was also for CPTSD but even my CPTSD isn’t that severe. So what kind of specialist I should find?

When you say short focus span, you mean when focusing on work, right? It occurs to me now that if there are suppressed emotions in your subconscious (your inner child), they always want to come to the surface. And so you need to distract yourself with something pleasurable so you wouldn’t feel those unpleasant emotions. So perhaps ADHD for you is a way to distract yourself, so you wouldn’t feel the unpleasant emotions.

Dopamine is high when we are motivated by a reward. If you feel not good enough, and that nothing you’ll achieve will ever be good enough – then it would make sense that your dopamine is low, because nothing can motivate you. Because every achievement seems futile – if it can never be good enough. Do you feel something like that? Like, the futility of even trying?

Haha very smart observation. Even psychiatrist wouldn’t be able to say that directly

Yeah, and you can learn how to be polite and kind in your expression, and yet firm. You don’t need to be rude, and yet, you can keep your boundaries. But of course, that needs practice…

Haha yeah, I don’t remember when was the last time someone called me rude. Firm but polite and kind does needs practice.

Good! You saw right through him – that appearances are more important to him than the real concern for his father – and you challenged him on that. And he didn’t know what to say – which is great! So you did speak up for yourself and refused his attempt to falsely accuse you of being inconsiderate/lacking empathy for your grandfather. Well done, SereneWolf!

I’m gradually able to see my positive progress now. That’s because of you. So thanks a lot Tee you’re like my guiding start!