Hi Tee,

thanks, yes, my knee is getting better, things are manageable again, and I am really grateful. (praying hands emoji 🙂)

That’s good! I’m happy to know that. 🙏

 

Cool! Wow, there will be a lot of traveling then. And all while you are working fully remotely, right?

Yes. At least for few years. I’m guessing around 3 years and maybe after that something like Slowmading. But I believe slowmading would be better with a good partner. or if I’m already satisfied than just settle down in a good country that we like.

 

People usually go on a self-discovery journey when they don’t know what they want in life, what their values are, what is really important to them, what path forward to take… If there is a major confusion about themselves and what they want from life. Do you feel you are in the similar position? Or you actually want to live your values – which you already know what they are: freedom, adventure, enjoying Mother Nature, being one with the universe?

I believe it’d be more like living my values. And I think I’ll explore myself more while travelling and know my values on a deeper level.

So perhaps this is not a self-discovery journey for you, but a self-affirming journey? Affirming your True Self, and living from it?

Yes I think so.

In any case, if you want to live from from your True Self, I guess it would make sense to also work on removing obstacles on being your True Self in intimate relationships. Because that’s where the fear kicks in. Not in the jungle, in a close encounter with a lion, or on an unknown road, miles away from home… but in intimate relationships, with someone who should be so close and so familiar, and yet, they represent a threat…

You’re right indeed. Physically I’m not that scared. On a recent trip I just blindly follow group of friends because they approached me. But later on, at night lot of drinking and dancing happened. I did have some fun. But I know next time I’ll be more aware, my little friend scolded me for that a lot haha

Well, if you don’t sabotage the relationship (due to fear) but really give it a try, and then it turns out you two are not a good match, then of course, you don’t need to stay with her. You don’t need to force yourself to be with someone who isn’t your match.

And then gather energy to try again finding a new match? How?

 

I think it depends on your intention – whether you only wanted to fool around with the girl, or you had serious intentions but things didn’t work out. When I say “serious intentions”, I mean you want a committed relationship, you are not afraid of it. I don’t mean you need to marry the girl, but you’d need to be willing to be in a long-term, committed relationship.

If you haven’t healed your fear of intimacy, then I think you per definition can’t have “serious intentions”. And if you get involved with a girl, it would be primarily for fun and some short-term pleasure, in which case I think it could be called casual sex, yes.

Okay tell me after how long time normally I should tell her? Because we can’t tell someone directly that are you ready for the serious relationship? There’s a certain amount of time needs to be spent together. I’m asking how much time and after that asking for a serious thing is appropriate? Because I think being in hurry for that would even scare the good woman.

 

Yes, and this is a great insight: that you associate being attached to someone with giving them to right to hurt you. That’s a false belief, and probably one of your core false beliefs. Great job detecting it! 🙂

Thanks! Learning from you haha

Again, a great observation: that trust is needed to counter the fear. But also, you need one more thing: you need to be able to protect your own heart – should you need it. So you don’t give a free reign to your partner to hurt you. If you notice some hurtful behaviors on her part, you react, you let her know, you express that you don’t like it. You set some boundaries.

I totally agree! That’s the part I’m kinda working and again speaking up matters in that as well. Doesn’t matter friendship or romantic relationship. I was talking to one my friend and then she be like don’t you miss me why you being left me on seen messages. And I simply told her that I have texting manners and I simply don’t like reply 2 text every 24 hours. That’s not how conversation works for me. I don’t mind if you’re busy and don’t talk it’s okay for me. But if you do want to talk have some texting manners first. I guess I did build a boundary there?

But good thing is that she understood. But I guess in romantic relationship I’d have the fear like what if she doesn’t understand that and take it wrong entirely?

 

In other words, you are not helpless in a relationship. You can protect yourself – should you need it.  But you enter the relationship trusting that the person has good intentions and doesn’t want to hurt you.

Of course, you don’t enter a relationship blindly, you do use your discernment (like you did now, with this latest girl). But you also trust, if things feel right. You are not so guarded that at the first sign of disagreement, you pull up your walls and go into a defense mode.

So you need a fine balance: to have discernment, but also to trust. And then if there are problems, you talk about it, you express your needs and concerns, rather than suppressing it and pretending that things are fine.

Yes that’s what I’ll try to do. I think I’m being more self-aware about it

If you do that, I think your fear will lessen. Because you 1) trust the girl that she doesn’t want to hurt you, and 2) trust yourself that you’ll be able to protect yourself should you need it. Which means that by staying in the relationship, you are not giving her permission to hurt you. So the control stays in your hands – because you can protect yourself from hurt if needed.

I think that’s my biggest priority as of now. Believing in myself. My self-worth. My self-esteem. Because that would help me try to change these some deeper beliefs that I need to change. It would help also protect myself when I need it and almost every areas in my life. And it would also help in the self-love that I really need. I’m finding ways to increase the self worth. Because what’s happening is sometimes I’m also not even approaching the woman that I’m getting the good vibes from and that’s mainly because self-esteem.

 

Yes, maybe her advice contributed to you playing games. But I guess your fear played a role too – you didn’t want to give an impression that you care too much…

Haha yeah that’s also true

 

So she is helping you stay in touch with the adventurous kid in you, who used to encounter lions while riding his bike, huh? 🙂

Haha yes. But the thing even from my older friends circle I think I’m the most adventurous and rebel kid

 

I think so, yes. But it’s a good feature – to not rush into things. If it’s meant to be, it will be, without rushing it.

That’s what I’m trying.

 

Yes! That requires vulnerability too, and it didn’t occur to me until recently. That vulnerability is not only to admit that you like or care about somebody, but also that something they do bothers you, that you are hurt or upset about it.

Yup hard for me because I don’t like making them feeling discomforted because of me. Even though I’m hurt. But I’m trying

The Courage to be disliked. I like the title. Yeah, you might fear expressing yourself in front of various audiences, not necessarily only in romantic relationships. I remember you said you sometimes feel strong anger when talking to some judgmental people, but you don’t dare to say anything. You don’t dare to express your opinion, for fear of being judged. Or disliked. So yes, we need courage in those situations to still express our opinion, even if someone might not like it.

Yes that’s right and I’m already enjoying the Good Vibes Good Life an even in that it’s mentioned about expressing about one self.

 

Yeah, when we name our emotions, we use our rational brain, which enables us to observe ourselves and not get “lost” in the emotion. Not get overwhelmed. In that sense, naming our emotions helps us to remain cool-headed and not get hijacked by our emotions. It not only gives us clarity, but I think it’s also good for emotion regulation.

Yes I think I’m getting better at emotional regulation but it’s journey since I didn’t learn how to emotionally regulate myself since childhood

 

So that would suggest pretty low likelihood of C-PTSD. I mean, pretty mild symptoms, right?

Oui madam, That’s why I’m thinking visiting a psychiatrist once, But my sister was like what if they make you start meds even with little to no symptoms. Because obviously it’s business for them. But those meds can have side effects.

 

What are those symptoms?

I don’t really know much about ADHD, but there is a video by Gabor Mate, a trauma and addiction expert, who talks about ADHD being more a developmental problem than a medical/genetic problem. It might have to do with impulse control and emotion regulation.

The title of the video, if you are interested, is: ADHD: The Misunderstood Condition (Eye-opening Insights on ADHD from Dr. Gabor Mate)

Actually, Gabor Mate talks about tuning out, as a coping mechanism for too much stress in childhood. When the child cannot either fight or flee, and the emotions are overwhelming, and there is no one to soothe/calm him down. And so the child tunes out and dissociates from their emotions.

And I think rationalization too can be a way to not feel, i.e. to dissociate. Because when we are thinking, our rational mind is active, and we are not in our limbic/feeling brain. So I imagine it can be a way to feel less.

 

One of the main symptoms for me is the very short focus span and low dopamine. He says about impulse regulation I think for me that part is good enough. But yeah tuning out is something more resonating like how I was ignoring my emotions for so long you know. and like you mentioned we’re not our limbic brain during that time

 

Yeah, because you were not allowed to feel your spontaneous emotions, specially anger and sadness. You needed to behave and be a good boy. So your automatic reaction is to try to suppress the unpleasant emotion – rather than let it out and show it.

That’s how you lost a part of your authenticity too – I mean authenticity in relationships. Because you always need to be on guard and kind of monitor yourself to show a “proper” emotion, i.e. not to let out anything “improper”, right?

Totally agree! I always tried being a “good boy” but no more of that sh*t!
I’m trynna be more authentic even if I have to be blunt

 

Yeah, it’s like the emotion needs to be acceptable to others, otherwise you don’t show it, and you perhaps try not to even feel it? For example, since your parents didn’t approve of your anger, you’ve learned to rationalize that it doesn’t make sense to feel angry, right? And why you shouldn’t feel angry in a particular situation. And I guess as you are trying to come up with the reasons why you shouldn’t feel angry, you start feeling the emotion less, i.e. dissociating from it.

Yeah! Like I would think what’s the point if there’s no result from my anger so I just suppressed my anger for so long

 

Yes, that’s a good advice. To feel it, not immediately try to suppress it and rationalize it. Allow yourself to feel it – you are not a bad person for it.

So give yourself the permission to feel all your feelings, without judging them. Of course, you will still know how to control yourself in public, because you don’t want to overreact and make a scene. But you can acknowledge your emotions and later journal about them. Give them space, let them flow, because they are a part of your authentic self.

 

Actually that’s hard for me because my immediate go to is like Calm down and supress. Doesn’t matter public or person. I’m trying to speak up more though. Like recently again I raised my voice at my father. So I’m back to my hometown because my grandpa is very sick. But I was travelling and it was more than 2 days journey back to home. Even my sister said he’s sick but no need to be in rush. But my father was like what people and relatives would say that your grandpa is sick and you were not with him? And directly I told him that are you worried about what people what say or worried about Grandpa. Silence again.

 

Salute Tee,

I hope your health is getting better?

Does it mean you’re planning your trips and explorations outside of India as well? Or the bucket list includes India only, and then you plan to settle somewhere abroad?

Obviously bucket list includes the Worldwide places. Mainly Europe and Southeast Asia though. Some South America and few places in USA.

 

What you are describing is a very beautiful idea: to find your true self on your travels, and be one with mother nature and the universe. And if in that state of Being, you find someone who clicks with you and can Be (herself) alongside of you, that’s what you’re actually hoping for, right?

I just want to juxtapose this idealistic, romantic view with the idea of casual sex and “see ya senorita”, which you mentioned as a preferred approach during your travels. You cannot meet “the one” – who might be written for you in the stars – if you engage in casual sex with random girls you meet on your travels. You also cannot meet “the one” while in deadly fear of intimacy.

So you would have to choose which path to take. The path of trust (in the universe, to bring you closer to “the one”), or the path of fear, where you opt for casual sex and no strings attached.

Yes like I said intentions matters. And I’m not travelling just for casual sex. But let me give you an example what I mean, Like if I met some girl during my journey we hit it off at first, We kinda start dating and explore places together might even physically involved. But after sometime I’d find out that I’m still not feeling that connection & warmth with her as I’d like in a relationship even If I don’t let my fear of intimacy come in between. In that case what I’d do? Force the connection? Or just appreciate moments with her and move on?
and In that case physical involvement would described as casual sex? Again, It’s not a need but I noticed that these things happens in the moment. Because it happened with me in the past.

 

In fact, when you meet “the one”, you’ll want to be attached to her with as many strings as possible, and for as long as possible… so actually, to be attached and bonded to the right person is a good and beneficial state of Being. It is called true love. But it cannot happen if you are afraid of those “strings”, i.e. of attachment to someone who deserves your love.

Yes that’s what I’m thinking! Like I believe she will make attached to her yet it would feel so natural. It wouldn’t feel like I’m giving her the control to hurt. But more like here’s my lil heart I trust you to take care of it and there would be no fear. Just thinking about making me go full of joy haha

 

In this case, your being on guard was justified because you saw the behaviors you don’t like (some of what you mentioned is: childish, angry, drinking, smoking, sending confusing vibes). So there was a reason to be on guard and not follow your emotions, even if she seemed exciting and mysterious at first.

So that’s cool that you didn’t throw away your rational mind but included it in the decision making. Because we need both the heart and the mind when deciding about important matters, including matters of the heart.

 

Thanks, and I’m not regretting it. Because I want to be around the woman who make me feel like yeah good woman do exist.
Although it’s same for woman though, I keep hearing from my female friends that there hardly good man left on earth lol

What I was warning you about is not to stuff down your emotions in general, even if you meet a girl that you like and whose behavior doesn’t raise red flags. When things are fine, and she seems fine, but then the fear in you awakens, and you start pretending like you don’t care.

I remember that with the doctor, you failed to write to her during your entire stay at your parents’ place, which was for more than a week, if I remember well? She was upset about it, and I’d say rightfully – because you were officially in a relationship.

I don’t know what you felt about her, but if you failed to write because you didn’t want to seem needy and like you cared too much – that’s a defense mechanism. That’s when your avoidance stems not from proper discernment, but from fear.

So I just wanted to make that difference.

Yeah you’re right about that that was my mistake and I guess at that time I unconsciously just played around relationship game listening to one of my female friend. But I won’t make that mistake again. Clear communication is very important in every relationship. Romantic or Friendship. But to update you on that one nowadays I reduced my communication with friends a lot. And I only talk to one of my female friends who is quite younger than me so it kind of also helps because she make me remember my teenage days and what silly and fun things we used to do.

 

Yes, you can allow yourself to feel, but you also don’t need to switch off your rational mind. Like, you are not completely swept off your feet that you throw away all common sense through the window. But I guess there is a little probability for the latter, since being careful, rational and on guard is your default “setting” 🙂

Haha that’s what you think for my current “setting”? But yeah something similar I guess

So I am encouraging you to keep using your common sense, also when it comes to romantic relationships. But also not to give in to fear if there is no real objection to the girl, but you suddenly start feeling trapped and you want out. Because that’s the fear speaking, not common sense.

Also, I think it would be important to express if something is bothering you about the girl. For example, if she is always late, you can say “I don’t like that you are always late. I’d appreciate if you arrived on time.”

Yes exactly instead just being angry or using the silent treatment. Like I need to express what’s really bothering me.

Because if I understood you correctly, you have difficulty with expressing when something bothers you. You rather take it a danger signal and start withdrawing immediately, and shutting down vulnerability (as a part of your fearful avoidant attachment), rather than talking to the girl and expressing what is bothering you.

Because she might not be doing it on purpose, but because she isn’t aware that it bothers you. And she would be willing to change that behavior if she knew it bothers you.

But if you don’t say anything but start feeling resentful, you sort of circumvent vulnerability, because admitting that something bothers us is vulnerable. Because we might be rejected or ridiculed or told that we are too sensitive. We might be accused to being weak if we admit that something bothers us.

Something very important! So does that mean even though I feel like I don’t need that person, Unconsciously just the fear of rejection or want for the acceptance makes me stop being vulnerable?

I actually stumbled upon a book because of the YT called Courage to be disliked it’s already on my reading list.

So I guess expressing our boundaries makes us vulnerable in a way. But it’s a must for communicating clearly and remaining emotionally intimate – remaining both true to ourselves (authentic) and open towards the other person.

So we don’t betray ourselves (and our needs), but we also don’t withdraw from the person. We express what we need. That’s how emotional intimacy is maintained.

Definitely and that balance is something I’m struggling with

 

So I guess a part of the exercise of allowing yourself to feel your emotions, is not only allowing yourself to feel excitement about a girl, but also to feel angry and hurt about something that she is doing, that you don’t like.

Agree and those bad emotions what I was trying to reject but it was there

You don’t suppress your anger and pretend it’s not there (because that’s what you were doing in your first LDR), but you express what is bothering you. And then if you see they keep doing it again and again, with no regard for your feelings, and it’s something that is important to you, you may want to consider whether you want to be with that girl or not.

Understood.

So in general, allowing yourself to feel all emotions, not stuffing them down, is the way to go (of course, you don’t need to show your raw emotions to everyone. But feel them and acknowledge them – for yourself).

BTW feeling all emotions is the way to decide what we want. Without being in touch with our emotions we cannot make good decisions.

That was even scientifically proven by a neuroscientist Antonio Damasio. He discovered that in patients who had a specific brain injury, due to which their neocortex wasn’t receiving signals from their limbic and reptilian brains (our emotional brain), the person lost interpersonal skills, the ability to read social cues, as well as the ability to make decisions. Which means that we need emotions to know what is good and bad for us – we cannot rely only on our rational mind.

 

That’s very interesting and I think that’s also has to do something with naming our emotions? Because lot of times I would be feeling lot of different things at the same time so journaling and naming and then acknowledging those emotions?

 

If you go to youtube and search for “Crappy Childhood Fairy Daily Practice”, you’ll get several useful videos, including the one titled “FREE Course: The “Daily Practice” for Healing Childhood PTSD and CPTSD“. In the description of that video is the link to the free “Daily Practice” course. Which is basically the way to journal about your emotions. You write about things that you are afraid of and things that you are resentful about. So basically you journal about your fear and anger. And lots of good stuff comes out of it 🙂

 

Thanks for sharing! I checked it out and I think I did try that before as well but I didn’t sticked to this habit. Now I’ll try to. And it does work very well I remember that. I also took an online CPTSD test again and the score is 38/80
0-32 = None-low
33-80 = Likelihood of CPTSD
also checked again for ADHD test. It says Mild ADHD but I feel some of ADHD symptoms are quite bothersome

And because of that I’m thinking about starting Bullet Journaling

BTW I hope I am not burdening you with these “tractates” (because I see this ended up being a looong post again). I sometimes tend to go overboard in trying to explain my point 🙂 Anyway, let me know if I should cut down a little 🙂

It’s fine as long as you’re okay with it. Just take care of your eyes and back too haha

Hi Tee,

I am not doing that well, since some old health issues (knee problems) resurrected again, which have magically disappeared in the last 1.5 years, since I’ve been suffering from back pain. Well now they are back, so now I need to start dealing with that too…aarrgh… I hope it’s temporary though and will get better…

Ohh I’m sorry to hear that. Knee and back pain, both. That’s hard to deal with. I hope you find the strength to deal with that pain. Try to rest as much as you can and don’t push yourself too much. I hope your pain eases up soon.

To get to the essence, I understand your point of view. But are you suggesting me to find someone and have a committed relationship just when I started my travelling journey? Like I mentioned I don’t want LDR again.

I mean I know as a good mentor you’re trying to point out the things and without facing that fear maybe there wouldn’t be true healing. Because all this time I just tried to tip my toes in the river instead of actually diving in and start swimming.

Before I wasn’t very clear , But now I know that my real fear is being vulnerable with someone I try to be intimate with. That’s something I need to work on.

But question is should my priority right now should be only working on relationships? or my self esteem? Or the sense of feeling good enough?

I also wanted to mention that I started reading the book from the Vex King, Good Vibes, Good Life: How Self-Love Is the Key to Unlocking Your Greatness. Only read few pages (Because my focus span is still ain’t good) and I’m enjoying it.

So would you like to be FWB with this new girl? Have you told her that? Because as far as I know, you refused a regular relationship, but you didn’t tell her you’d like FWB, right? You weren’t really “clear and straight forward”.

Like I said I don’t want to continue  with this girl. We’re not enemies so we can talk sometime and that’s about it. Because even for FWB I have some ground rules that I follow and she doesn’t meet that area. FWB for me is more than casual sex. and I talked to my friend who warned me about her and she said she have many options so maybe that’s why she be playing games like who wins and I don’t want to be a part of that game. and I don’t understand what’s wrong in telling “well if you miss me, why don’t you write more?” Because I didn’t missed talking to her that much.

I’ll write second part later on.

Hi Tee,
How you doing?

Sorry for little late reply.
I finally started my travel journey! Yaaaaay!
I started with world’s tallest statue, Statue of Unity. It was so much fun.

It could be that if they don’t pick up immediately that something is bothering you, you feel unseen by them, and you conclude that your needs don’t matter to them, and that they might hurt you (maybe it’s not even conscious but unconscious reasoning). And from that moment on, you are on guard and you start distancing yourself.
If so, it means that a minor slip on their part leads to a major danger alert going off in your subconscious mind. And so you switch to defense mode, where you are on alert for being hurt. And in order to prevent being hurt, you preemptively withdraw and stop being open and vulnerable. This is what might be happening.
The reason for that is the old trauma, which causes you to make a big deal out of a minor issue. And to put up your shields.

Okay I think this is moderately accurate. I do think that’s what might be happening

What happened in your childhood is that your mother didn’t really care about your emotional needs: she didn’t care if your father’s anger outbursts hurt you. Moreover, she told you to accept it without any resistance. She basically told you your emotions don’t matter (in this case fear and anger), and that you should be able to control your anger and pretend that it’s not there. She told you that you should silently take the verbal “beatings” and be a good, obedient boy.
In other words, your mother didn’t have much regard for your emotional needs. She didn’t let you have boundaries. Or to be rightfully upset for being mistreated. And it felt horrible. It felt like a prison. It felt so horrible that you left home at the age of 17.
She didn’t let you set boundaries, and so you didn’t get the chance to learn how to set boundaries. The only way to protect yourself from being invaded was to leave. To remove yourself from the situation/relationship completely.

Again accurate. Because boundaries felt like I’m being disobedient. Not a “good” in their perspective. So it was nearly impossible for me to put my needs first than that others.
Like okay I started travelling yet somewhere I’m feeling guilty I’m not spending time with my siblings and family, specially my sister since she gave birth to a baby boy. even though I spent 3 months at my hometown. They told me to stay and like take care of my sister but still just listening to my grandpa nowadays boils my blood he’s old and sick so I don’t like to disrespect so I just wanted to leave. I did what’s good for myself. I raised my voice. Yet still I feel guilty for that.
I had to told them even though I’m doing a remote job. I need lil more peaceful environment to focus on work and at home I can’t do that.

So this is I think what’s happening: in a romantic relationship, when you feel that the person doesn’t care about your needs – and it could be that even a minor thing can trigger such a feeling – your knee-jerk reaction is to want to leave the relationship. Even if you don’t leave physically, you start withdrawing emotionally, and the intimacy is lost for you. Intimacy is not an option any more.
So instead of working to repair the relationship – and maintain emotional connection and intimacy – you put a stop on intimacy. You block it. Even if you stay in the relationship, you stay in a self-defense mode, with your shields up (we’ve talked about the shield/armor around your heart).

Hmm I see. Good analysis. I think it’s like the sergeant you mentioned before. Once he’s aware that there’d be an attack. All he thinks about is war. Not peace.

And I think one aspect of this self-defense mode is the superiority/inferiority dynamic, where you feel less vulnerable if you can feel superior than your partner.
In the relationship with your father, you felt inferior and never good enough. It seems that with a romantic partner, you never want to feel that way: worthless, unlovable, not good enough. And so you either avoid relationships altogether, or if you opt for a relationship, you want to feel better than your partner. Because that’s how you feel safe(r) from her criticism.

Yes and also because of that my self esteem went lower so like even if I get women out of my “league” (It happened most of the time, Physically or career wise) I’d just question my worth like how did I get this kind of women? She way better than me there’s no way this is gonna be long term. Sooner or later she’d know that she’s somehow “better” than me and she’d obviously choose something better and leave. And I think that’s where superiority/inferiority dynamic is happening. and because of that I mostly tried keep on edge and improving myself like lil better than her.

I think that’s why you also want to perfect yourself as much as possible before getting married:
[I said] Maybe loving hard also means that you need to work hard to be lovable? That you need to be successful, so she would love you (“she can always find a rich husband but a for a guy, he got to be something good”)?
[you replied] Kind of yes I guess like trying to perfecting the relationship and my partner too.
I imagine it’s because the idea of being stuck with someone who criticizes you all the time (such as a criticizing, judgmental wife) is unbearable.
But I think also the idea of being stuck with a woman who is full of faults, who is unaware of her issues and refuses to work on herself – is equally unbearable to you:

Yes Exactly
I just don’t want to deal with the women who aren’t even self aware about their traumas and not actively working on it. Because effort is something that really attractive to me. Kind of a priority.
In your last post you said the girl should be similar to you:
I don’t think that some damaged people but hmm more like someone I can resonate with a little, Not too much different from me so it would be easier to open up for me.
Putting all this information together, it seems to me that your perfect partner is someone who has similar issues, i.e. someone who similarly like you doesn’t feel good enough and wants to “perfect” herself.

Ah right Eureka moment haha! You right she kind of “Fulfil” those criteria and that’s why I felt good with her

Now this latest girl has issues as well, possibly some similar to yours (anger), but overall, she has bigger issues than you in terms of mental health. She also seems interested in working on herself (she has been in therapy for 4 years), which is a must for you.
So right there you’ve got 2 potential attraction points: she has similar but greater issues than you, and she is (at least in theory) interested in self-improvement.
You also said she is mysterious:
I think I was curious because she seemed little bit mysterious at first. … She smokes, she’s dramatic and her anger is always on the edge. I tried to understood why she’s the way she is and I noticed that it’s just her coping mechanisms, At heart she’s kind and loving woman.
It could be that you were intrigued by her anger (because it reminded you of your father), and started hoping that underneath her anger you might find a “kind and loving woman”. So she would be someone similar to your father, and yet different: someone who appears rough and angry on the outside, but is actually kind and loving underneath. This might have been a hope and the excitement that your inner child felt in the presence of this “mysterious” woman.
Maybe I got carried away too much here. But in any case, I can see why you were intrigued by her, even if she appears the “opposite of what you like” (another friend told me how she is opposite of what I like).

Yes that could be also the thing. But nowadays who wants to show their true self? She mentioned few times how hard it is for her to open up and being vulnerable. But she makes me angry too. Like on Weekend she texted like She missed talking to me. I replied who’s stopping you? and then she replies me for that 2 days after with a funny IG reel. And I have much better things to do than focusing on someone like her who isn’t sure of anything and changes colour like a chamaeleon. Like I’m exhausted with dating games. Like if it’s a Yes or no. and confusing vibes. With Casual I can at least be straight forward and clear like hey I’m working on myself and I can’t commit with you for a full fledge relationship but I wouldn’t mind spending a good time with you if you’re okay with it. I want clear and straight forward things. NO BS. That way there’s also good possibility of gaining a friendship first which is must having a good time or like you know not feel alone since we’re all social creatures. And from friendship there’s also good possibility of deepen the relationship if things go well. Because I know my intentions are good and I’d prefer the same from her. and another pattern that I noticed is that if I’m good friends with a person I’d try be vulnerable with them more easily

But just because this recent woman which I barely talked to her for like 2 weeks. We can’t say that I’m attracted to troubled people. Can we? But yeah she’s more troubled that’s for sure.
Well, you were attracted to a troubled person in the past (your first LDR), with whom you stayed for more than 3 years. And you said she was your best LDR.
Maybe I am looking too much into this, and I apologize if I am talking nonsense. But still, here’s what I am thinking: perhaps the reason why you considered her your best relationship is because she fulfilled the 3 criteria that I listed above: 1) similar but greater issues than you, 2) openness (at least declarative) to self-improvement and change, and 3) openness to being coached/helped by you, as someone who is “further along” on the self-development journey? Perhaps these are the “attraction points” that make you fall in love with a girl?
Please note: this is just an assumption. Think about it, and see if it resonates at all. If yes, then it’s kind of a formula of how you fall in love, a formula which is more or less based on self-defense. It doesn’t really allow for intimacy and vulnerability.
Let me know what you think. And I apologize if I went overboard with my assumptions and analysis.

 

I like the word “Formula of How I Love” and no you didn’t go overboard and I request that you do. I’d prefer a brutal honestly.
I mean it may have been somewhat true in past but I think now my formula of love has been changed. Or I at least have to meet someone so I can experiment/explore about this further.

But I thought about it a lil and let me tell you things what kind of women attracts me the most or like kind of feeling of melting for her (Is that similar to love?)

Similar life values & Someone who have the same priorities so we can support each other in our goals/shared goals
Honesty & Trust – For me Love comes after those two things
Feeling of Unconditional love – I know in past and also from my childhood I mostly felt ‘Conditional’ love. So I want to have proper feeling like what actually feels like when a person loves you unconditionally.
I want to mention that in my 1st LDR I did feel unconditional love but not the level of reassurance that I’d like with that so it was a shaky feeling

Kind to others (Specially animals)
Empathic (Thanks for making me realize value for being empathic)
Have some passion
Creativity – I know I’m not that much creative person but I absolutely admire various kind of arts. So l like Art (Woman) creating an Art? How awesome is that? Another thing Is that I don’t know if its true or not but I think creative woman would be better at expressing her emotions. Something I can learn from her
And above all someone who values of words and even more the actions. Because again Efforts are sexy. Show me how you love instead of just saying things.

I know relationships aren’t about transactions. But I’m expecting these things because I know I can provide those things.

Hey Tee,
Thanks for sharing. I’ll watch the video and share my thoughts with you.

Hi Tee,

 

So the doctor didn’t touch your heart? Or she did, but she wasn’t able to break down the walls in your heart?

You see – it’s not about the woman. It’s about you. If you fear (either intimacy, or losing something good and hurting afterwards), then you will keep those walls up, even if it’s the best thing that ever happened to you.

If fear prevails, no woman will be able to break down the walls of your heart. The person who needs to do it is you.

 

Yes I know it’s about me. and when talking to one of my friend after a while I think there could be some different thing playing role in this. I thought I had just mild ADHD but it I think it increased to moderate. Because my dopamine levels would low most of the time and I would keep seek novelty. That’s why maybe I’m just getting more curious at first and then when there’s no novelty like I know enough I get bored and move on to next

Don’t know what happened, Maybe some error so I’m posting again
<p style=”text-indent: 12.25pt; line-height: 19.2pt; background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Hi Tee,</p>
<p style=”text-indent: 12.25pt; line-height: 19.2pt; background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”> </p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>You nailed it! You pinpointed the main problem: his too high expectations and immediate criticism, instead of allowing you the time to learn things (and having patience and empathy with you). And he was like that since your childhood. No room for mistakes and a demand for perfection, or else he was quick to get angry.</p>
<p style=”background: white; box-sizing: border-box; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; orphans: 2; widows: 2; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; text-decoration-thickness: initial; text-decoration-style: initial; text-decoration-color: initial; word-spacing: 0px; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>And I loved that you were so self-confident with him: telling him that you are obviously going to do it well. Yes! That’s the spirit! You didn’t feel less then, or not good enough, but you confidently told him that yes, you can do it, you are able to, you just need a little bit of time to get the hang of it. Perfect!</p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”> </p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Thanks! I think I’m finally able to start working on my new identity shift </p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”> </p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>So your mother behaved the same way as she did in your childhood: trying to pacify you, so you wouldn’t provoke him. She wanted you to walk on eggshells around him, so he wouldn’t explode in anger. Basically, she was appeasing the bully (and trying to control you, his victim).</p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”> </p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>How are you feeling today? Still good or there are some doubts or feeling of guilt, or anything like that?</p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>So for that matter it’s like 10 days now. And I think there’s no feeling of guilt. Although My father does started to tell my mom (Not to me or my brother directly) that we’re not obedient like before. We siblings talk back a lot. And My mother still just listens to that. But she did told me that if you think it’s hurting you then speak up I didn’t speak up in all these years so I don’t speak up or just rarely. </p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”> </p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>It seems the inner protector – the inner Uncle Iroh – has activated himself in this latest encounter with your parents. Do you still feel the presence of this positive inner voice?</p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Hmm I think Yes. But because of his patterns I knew what he’s going to do so I sorta decided that this time I won’t be silent I’ll speak up. So I guess Inner voice helped me to stand up for myself? </p>
<p style=”background: white; box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”> </p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Yes, you do have your own voice, which can speak for you and defend you from attacks. I think it’s wonderful that you experienced that you are actually able to defend yourself and stand up for yourself. And this gave you a sense of power. Because if you can stand up for yourself, you are powerful. If you can say No to abuse, you are powerful.</p>
<p style=”background: white; box-sizing: border-box; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; orphans: 2; widows: 2; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; text-decoration-thickness: initial; text-decoration-style: initial; text-decoration-color: initial; word-spacing: 0px; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Simply knowing that we have the ability to protect ourselves (from other people’s abuse, unreasonable demands, unfair expectations etc) gives us enormous inner power.</p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Yes! Thanks for the reminder</p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”> </p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Yess! That was a great success – your dream come true, and something you have been longing for a long time. And you made it! So yes, that too proved how powerful you are: because you can achieve your goals and dreams.</p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Yes actually this is a big point for my identity shift because of my past failures I was considering myself as a failure </p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”> </p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Okay, it could be that some “rewriting” of your childhood experiences happened in this very encounter with your parents. Because in this encounter, you’ve got the experience of standing up for yourself and speaking your truth, and not allowing to be silenced and guilt-tripped into obedience. If you still feel good about it, without doubt or guilt creeping in, then some “rewriting” has happened for sure.</p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Yes I definitely think so, and there are some other “rewritings” are needed to remove the old beliefs </p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”> </p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Is there a part of you which still expects validation from your parents (and grandparents) that you are making good choices? Like, you know that you are right, but a part of you is still doubting it?</p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>No I don’t think I need validation from them. </p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”> </p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Do you feel that you still don’t believe positive things about yourself? That even though you receive praise from other people, you still have a hard time believing it?</p>
<p style=”background: white; box-sizing: border-box; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; orphans: 2; widows: 2; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; text-decoration-thickness: initial; text-decoration-style: initial; text-decoration-color: initial; word-spacing: 0px; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Perhaps now 2 voices are vying for dominance in your psyche: one is your newly found confident voice with which you just spoke to your parents. And the other is the “good old” (actually bad old) inner critic, caused by years of criticism and telling you you’re not good enough?</p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Yes I think maybe it’s that. How to tackle that and make the newly found voice stronger?</p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>I’m slowly starting to believe about some positive things about myself but I do still have kind of inferiority complex even though I don’t compare myself to others</p>
<p style=”background: white; box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”> </p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>You mean you are not longing for external validation? But you also feel that your inner “validator” is not strong enough?</p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Yes Exactly </p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”> </p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>What exactly do you feel you are missing right now?</p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>That’s the thing. I’m not sure sometimes I feel like I need to befriend with myself so I don’t feel alone or just self-sabotage and waste time</p>

Ciao Tee,

This week ended like blink of an eye and I didn’t even worked that much. It’s Friday again, Your heath is getting better? Have you tried any ayurvedic things?

If you want a wake-up effect, then I guess Latte would be a poor choice, at least for me it is, because all that milk puts me to sleep rather than waking me up 🙂 That’s why I said, Latte is comfort food for me 😀

Haha I think even little caffeine should work. Too much caffeine isn’t good for the person who isn’t consuming caffeine daily. Don’t you think?

 

Yeah, same with my mother. No words of encouragement, no praise – that too spoils the kid. It was a kind of a Spartan upbringing…

Spartan Upbringing I like the words you used. So that makes us warriors? I guess so lol

Well, she didn’t have an affectionate mother herself, so she didn’t really experience love and affection. But the saddest part is that she thought highly of her mother and never allowed any criticism of her. Even though her mother was a very critical, strict and cold parent.

My mother even blamed herself for not being a good enough daughter… so there was never even a glimmer of awareness about how bad effect her mother had on her. And unfortunately, due to that lack of awareness, she never worked on her own healing and only transferred her trauma on to me (which is how generational trauma happens).

 

Ohh I see. It’s like putting hands on your eyes and then tell others that you’re blind. And the another thing is that if she thought that she wasn’t good enough daughter, didn’t she thought that now I have my own daughter I should raise her right that so she would feel good enough? Generational trauma sucks and I can see it in my family and I’ll be the who will break the generation trauma in our bloodline

 

Hahaha… that’s quite a unique way to express affection. I thought he was checking whether you have fever or not 🙂 But if you feel he wants to be closer to you nowadays, but only knows how to do it in clumsy ways, well, that counts too 🙂

Yeah he doesn’t know how to show affection. I kinda had a same problem in my first ever relationship but I think now it’s much better. I hug my siblings often. My mother and grandma and even some relatives.

 

Yeah, could be. I think Acts of service and Quality time is also what’s important to him, actually to both of us. And Words of affirmation too. Neither of us is big on gifts though, or going out to dinners and special occasions. So we more or less speak 4 love languages, and the 5th isn’t important to either of us 🙂

Haha surprisingly very similar to what I had with my Long term LDR girlfriend. Mine was also Acts of service and Quality time and after that other love languages  and gift weren’t important for either of us.

 

Oh my! Your real uncle is your Uncle Iroh then!! That’s amazing! To have such a loving and caring elder – someone who appreciates you so much and trusts you – that’s such a blessing.

You should learn from him about relationships! Because you said he married out of love, to a good, smart woman. Which means it is possible, SereneWolf. He is your proof.

 

Thanks, we do meet less though. Although because of this I feel like his father doesn’t like me. But my uncle told me to ignore that.

And Yeah he’s big on relationships. Business and personal both. I also admire my aunt. Their love is really awesome. They studied together and then dated for like over 7 years they already decided that they want to get married and just before 2 months of the engagement he had a bad accident and he lost his leg (now he has a artificial leg and he walks fine). So my aunt’s parents said we don’t want this wedding to happen. But my aunt was firm and she said that no matter what happens I’m going to marry him. And against her parents’ decision she married to him which is quite a big thing for a woman here. And her own parents didn’t talked to her for over 3 years.

 

Oh, so she’s not only smoking, but also tends to drink a lot. She has anger issues but it seems she uses alcohol to “soothe” her pain. And she likes to vent a lot and fume, but it’s only like letting out a bit of steam from a pressure cooker – she is not really working on healing her issues.

About healing the issues. Here’s the fun part. She’s on therapy for over 4 years

 

This is similar to what you were doing in your LDR – caring about the girl’s health and that she is getting proper rest, is eating well etc. So this is the same kind of “savior” behavior with this girl too. And this girl is trouble, similar to your first LDR.

So beware of that – that you might get sucked into another savior kind of relationship, where you want to “parent” a troubled girl, who doesn’t really want to go to therapy and work on her issues. Perhaps now you would be a more compassionate and understanding parent, because you’ve worked on yourself, but nevertheless still in a parental role. And that’s not a good recipe for a relationship.

 

No. I think you’re misunderstanding. First thing is that I don’t even count her as my love interest. That’s why I said it was kinda puppy love feeling for me because maybe I felt lonely and we talked a lot. Another thing is that I never even had a friend who smokes and drinks that much they lose their senses. So I get really worried like what if something happens to her?

 

That’s good! It seems you are attracted to problematic girls, whom you want to help improve, and that’s a part of the excitement you feel about her. So be aware of that…

Hmm really? Because it’s been a while, I didn’t even had proper interaction with the woman. Including the latest one I only talked to her over the phone and texting. And I’m not attached to her anymore I think I was curious because she seemed little bit mysterious at first

 

Okay, so she was able to accept you as you are, with all your good and bad sides. You didn’t need to pretend with her. And you could vent to her, and she would listen. It didn’t overwhelm her. But you see – you didn’t feel that “tension” and excitement with her that you feel now with this latest girl. And it could be because she didn’t need fixing. You even felt a little inferior to her (I remember you mentioned that).

Yes I did felt inferior at first but after a while I was quite comfortable with her. There was physical and even some romantic attraction but I didn’t continue with her because of my fear. Like if something good like this would end, I’d feel so much hurt so I didn’t let her too close to my heart

So perhaps she was intimidating because you felt not good enough for her? And this one – the problematic girl – doesn’t feel intimidating because you feel better than her? And so you feel safe?

No judgment here – I am just asking those questions, so you could get to the bottom of the problem. Because I am seeing the same pattern as before, and perhaps now is the time to become aware of the pattern and try to break it (or rather, heal it).

I mean like I said I stopped comparing a while ago and I don’t see her as better or worse than me. And I’m not sure about pattern either because for pattern I need to actually go out and date someone don’t you think so? I’m getting bored of phone and texting.

 

It seems that caring, empathic girls don’t really attract you in the romantic sense – but you only stay friends with them. And then they find a guy and move on. And you are left alone. It seems like self-sabotage. A good girl, capable of emotional intimacy, isn’t attractive to you romantically. Because you are afraid of that deep vulnerability, which comes with a romantic relationship. So yeah, it all seems to be a part of the same pattern.

Ohh no no I think I’m really craving a caring and empathic woman, Even in a romantic sense, If you remember I felt like I had a feeling that I want someone to baby me. And it’s not like they move on, But it’s obvious thing that they’re gonna spend more time with their partners and then talk to me about what they did. Because that’s what friends do?

I do get attracted a women capable of emotional intimacy. But that part is true that I do fear the emotional intimacy.

 

Think about it in the light of what I’ve said above. You want some closeness, but not real closeness. You want to stay on the surface.

Hmm agree with this

 

Because when you fall in love, you fall in love with problematic people, which drain you (like this latest girl has the potential to drain you). And of course, you don’t want such a relationship.

But the biggest problem is that you are afraid to fall in love with healthy people. With whom you could experience a healthy, fulfilling relationship.

No the thing is when I fall in love, I get obsessed and all in, that’s why I always try to control myself not get attached. Like I said I need to learn slow and soft love. Not hard and fast.

 

Yeah, you want to be like a sailor, having a different woman in each port 😉 But you know it’s not the solution, SereneWolf. It’s an escape. So think about it. Your own uncle managed to have a loving, committed relationship. And he knows what love is. So… give it a thought….

Lmao! You’re making it sound spicy! 😂 But yeah I’m aware it’s an escape. But with a ray of hope. What if during my journey I meet someone who is really able to touch my heart and able to break down the walls in my heart? Or is that too much hopeful thing to think?

Because I think if I travel and do the activities that I love there will be similar women around who values those things. You see what I mean?