Hey Tee,

I am a bit better health-wise, so I had a good weekend. I mean, nothing special, but pleasant and mostly pain-free, which is a miracle when it happens.

I’m glad to know that. I like that you have very grateful perspective towards this.

I am so sorry your new cat ran away Perhaps she’ll come back?

She still didn’t. But I’m not that much worried like a cat before. Because I don’t know I have a feeling that she’ll survive.

Okay, so you’re determined not to get married. Have you ever talked about the future and topics like marriage and children? What does she say about you wanting to work remotely and possibly moving to a different city? Do you talk about that?

I mean she already is well aware about my plans for remote working and moving to different cities and because of her profession she can’t do it even if she wants to, and for marriage we both decided to not rush and after that I told her no for a love relationship so…

It seems she feels the connection at the moment, as she is comforting you about your job loss and all that. She feels a certain closeness, and I guess that’s why she doesn’t feel that you’re not giving her what she needs. But she did feel it in the past – that’s why she was tempted to go back to her ex. So I guess right now she feels close to you, because you’re open to receiving her love and support. But once you’ll be in a better place and less fragile, she might experience that you’re withdrawing again…

Hmm I guess you’re right but I don’t want her to stuck with me for confusing type of love. She deserves something much more and direct, But she still wants to spend time with me because she may have that hope of finding a way to my heart key.. and because of my career now I’m focused only on that instead of relationship.

Yes, it’s hard to accept that. I too was hoping that my mother would realize that she hurt me and that she didn’t give me the kind of love I needed. But she refused to see it. She still believes she was a good mother and I am an ungrateful daughter.

What? She still believes that she was a good mother and it was your fault?? How? Why?

Oh I didn’t know there is JOMO too, as opposed to FOMO But yeah, we can’t do everything and be at more places at one time. Life is about choices, and we choose one thing at the expense of other. Even if this other thing is also good. But still, we need to make choices and omit certain things, because our time and resources are limited. You also omit a lot during sleep, if you think about it, and yet, you need sleep, because those are your biological limits.

Yes but the thing is that because I made some bad choices in the past now I have fear that I may make bad choices again and everyone says these years of life are golden years so it’s like break it or make it so later on I don’t want to regret that I didn’t make good choices… I guess it’s also one of the reasons for my low self-esteem. You see what I mean?

Are you worried about missing out on travel? Or you’re more worried about being late in your achievements and career success?

Actually both!

 Well, they are very short-sighted and stingy, and you shouldn’t be sorry for leaving that company. I hope you’ll find some place where they’ll appreciate people like you more, and not take advantage of them and them toss them away

Yes but companies are really scared of slow economy so they’re putting money first instead of people.

Yeah, I understand that people are rushing to find just anything, because they need the money and the opportunities are shrinking. But if you can afford to wait a little longer, then do it. Don’t fall for the fear that you won’t find anything – because you sure will, if it comes to that. But maybe you’ll have to be less picky, you’ll see about that.

Right so I started to apply for position that also related to Product Management means much broader and more opportunities… and after working like 6 months to 1 year I can start applying for the position that are stronger for PM roles because Let’s hope by then job market would be better? What do you think?

Ola Tee,

How was your weekend?

I wouldn’t know about that. But I guess you should train her how to use the toilette and stuff like that. I’ve never had a pet, so cannot really give advice on that…

Well actually she ran away yesterday evening ☹

So you are sure that you don’t want this to grow into something long term, possibly even marriage?

Nope. No marriage

Now, you’d need to chose her. I know it’s really hard for you, due to your attachment issues. But I am just saying – I think it would be a worthy effort to work on your fear of commitment, while in the relationship with her. I think making that effort would actually make sense, and it wouldn’t be a waste of time.

So I think this would be my answer to your question: So should I stay put and live in the moment while it last or should I do something else?

Work on your fear of commitment, while staying in the relationship. Don’t stay in that fear forever, without challenging it. That’s my advice.

Well lately I feel like a fraud because she’s been very supportive with everything that’s going on and I feel like I’m using her just for my emotional comfort and physical needs not giving her the love that she’s craving from me. I literally said this to her on her face because I didn’t want any dishonesty, but she was like I’m just being silly.

Yes, constant criticism and shaming is actually emotional abuse. It’s actively inflicting a wound on you, telling you how bad and faulty you are. What your mother did was more like emotional neglect, I think, because she tolerated your father’s treatment of you and didn’t protect you from it. She wasn’t actively harming you, but she let your father harm you with his criticism.

Hmm I see I understand now

Maybe this is a silly question but I am not familiar with children’s obligations regarding financing their parents and grandparents. So you said earlier that you have a responsibility to give a certain amount to your parents monthly. Is it because  they are not that well off, or it’s a custom in India and adult children are obliged to do it regardless?

Well it is more like a custom in India. especially If you’re an older sibling Which I am

As for the fact that you have such a father – you’ll have to mourn that, I guess. I am sorry that my mother is like she is, and that we’ll never have a close, loving relationship. She is incapable of that. So I gave it up. My relationship with her is very superficial. It’s sad, but it can’t be more than that – if I want to respect myself and not allow her to hurt me.

Yes you’re right and I guess I’m just not able to easily accept this truth and still hoping that he might change, But we don’t know. So I guess that’s what hard for me

No, you needed their emotional support as a child. It was a crucial need back then and because it wasn’t met, it caused damages (which you are trying to rectify and heal now, as an adult). But you don’t need their emotional support now. Your well-being and emotional health doesn’t depend on it. You can get support elsewhere (in therapy, for example). You can also give yourself the support and validation that you needed from them as a child. In short, you can now become a good parent to yourself.

Yes I’m trying to be a good parent to myself, Trying to be kinder with myself day to day

So yes, try to have more compassion for yourself, appreciate everything you’ve achieved so far and tell yourself that you did a great job. Be Uncle Iroh to yourself, not the heartless drill sergeant…

Yes that’s what I’m trying I think being mindful is really helping me a lot, So most of the time when I get negative thoughts my mind tells me not be anxious and worried and appreciate things.

Yes, that’s one of your major tasks. So now try not to blame yourself for being “late” and “behind schedule”. You’re not late for anything,

That’s one of the hardest thing I have to work on I guess, Because I’m very afraid of getting older and missing out on things, and while meditation I did deep think about this matter like no matter what, we can’t do absolutely everything. So just learn JOMO. Joy of missing out. Being present in the moment instead of worrying about future and stuff, Don’t compare, Ever one of us have their own unique journey, But not easy at all my rational mind ask me lot of other questions that makes me feel behind

Hi Tee,
Do you know what caused it?

Well they said it’s for organizational restructure and for budget purposes. But mainly we all think they don’t want to pay to people for “building” or “managing” new services just because it’s working fine now so they think they can save thousands of dollars for few months… So basically, its like the full course meal is ready for them and they going to feed themselves on for few months.

Perhaps you can send some more applications, even for jobs that aren’t remote only – to increase your chances?

Well you know I already feel missing out on things and less freedom because I had to go to the office sometimes and wasn’t able to change the cities. Now I don’t want to stuck in the same loop and feel the same way. Like I already feel like I’m getting old, and I haven’t seen this beautiful world enough..

Heyya Tee,

I’d easily slip into depression. And I need to battle that.

And you’re fighting this battle  very well Tee, Keep it up 😀

Haha, cats don’t do anything if they’re not happy – they always put themselves first. So she must be happy

I was wondering, So I have a friend who have 3 cats and her cats are so well behaved and healthy because her mother was around and I guess she taught her kitten to how to get around? But this kitten is like only a month old and she have no idea what’s going on or how to do things. That’s why I have to take care of more than “Normal”

She is hoping she found or will find a loophole in your armor, I guess.

Hmm she better know how stubborn I am.

Okay, if you also talk about your own vulnerability, and perhaps your own fears, and she is understanding, that’s good. I guess you appreciate her being understanding and not judging you, right?

Yes I do appreciate that, and It’s not like we talking everyday but still…

I’ve just looked up how FWB is defined. And it doesn’t necessarily exclude emotional bond, but the most significant feature is lack of commitment. You said you have fear of commitment. It also makes you uncomfortable to say “I love you” (or to hear her say it), I guess because it carries a future expectation of a committed relationship. So I guess if there is fear of the future and fear of commitment, even though you’re enjoying things at the moment, I guess that would still be defined as FWB.

Hmm I see, Well I guess then it’s my first FWB? Lol 😂

And yeah there is fear of commitment there, I accept that, but you know that I don’t want to move forward than FWB with this girl, So should I stay put and live in the moment while it last or should I do something else?

Not sure I understand your question. The article talks about how it’s easy to fall in love, when hormones are high and we might be seeing the person through rose-colored glasses. But once the honeymoon phase is over, we need to make an effort to understand the person, to work on ourselves and our own issues, to not project things on them etc. In that sense, love requires effort.

Ah that’s right and that’s why lot of young people are like that because most of the people don’t like to put real efforts for love. They quit after the honeymoon phase. I’m also did something similar, Whenever my relationship got complex, I just quit it. Though I did feel like I did put lot of efforts.

Okay, so try to reduce reading about those mega success stories, because it makes you feel bad about yourself. And it would make most people bad about themselves. It’s the worse when we compare ourselves to others, and that’s exactly what your father and grandfather were doing to you, and now you’re doing it to yourself.

Yes you’re right. I’m not using twitter anymore. I uninstalled it.

I wish you success!

Thanks a lot! 😀

You mean he tried to hit you and your mother only twice? But I thought he’d get angry with you often and scolded you for even the slightest mistake. You said he made you feel dumb whenever you made a mistake (the minute I make a mistake I’m dumb). He was also comparing you to other students, telling you you should be grateful for the material support he is providing and why can’t you learn better. He was also having perfectionist expectations on you. All this is emotional abuse, even though he wasn’t physically violent.

I mean, his criticism didn’t happen only twice, right? He wasn’t displeased with you only twice, but it was a common theme, it happened all the time. You grew up feeling not good enough, due to his constant criticism and shaming. That’s emotional abuse, SereneWolf, not emotional neglect.

Ah Okay I see now, so his constant criticism and perfectionist expectations are also count as an emotional abuse. I thought it’s emotional neglect because he didn’t care about my emotions or even noticed but I see your point now. I have to talk about this to my therapist as well!

Yeah, that’s passive aggression, I’d say. He doesn’t want to say what he needs directly, but is scolding you and your brother for not reading his mind and assuming what he needs. He is making you guilty for something that’s not your fault at all.

Yeah I know right!? I was this close to lose my mind. I mean what’s problem in just saying clearly?

Not willing to take responsibility for one’s actions and always blaming others is a mark of a toxic personality. It seems he is now less “in your face” about his expectations, but still does that indirectly, without saying it out loud, but still you can feel the sting.

I guess you’re right. How should I save myself from this? Even building boundaries isn’t working much. And I’m aware it’s his problem not mine but it does bother me.

Yes, they (your father and grandfather) made you feel guilty if you brought home anything less than straight As, right? They made themselves into martyrs, while you were the bad, ungrateful son/grandson for disappointing them and “torturing” them like that.

That was putting so much pressure on you. No wonder you felt like a burden – because they made you feel like one. And then you left home, because you didn’t want to be guilt-tripped by them any more, right? You rejected their “nurturance”. You told your father: “I don’t need your help to take care of myself. I know how to handle things.” So you were fed up with his guilt tripping and making you feel like a burden. You decided to be on your own. “Self-sufficient” at 16.

But do you see how this “self-sufficiency” is a defense mechanism? It was born out of being blamed all the time, feeling like a burden all the time, and wanting to break free from that. With moving out, you basically told your father “I don’t need anything from you”. But that’s not true – the child always needs support from their parents, both material and emotional. But this was a defense mechanism, because you didn’t want to endure that blame and guilt-tripping any more.

Yes you understood very well! But after all this you still think I need emotional support of my parents? Because I just started to feel validated without their validation.

So I started working much earlier without even getting my bachelor’s first then I was blaming myself that I didn’t focused on my studies like other people otherwise I’d be more educated now…

In order to support yourself, you had to work, and so no wonder that you couldn’t get your bachelor’s degree on time. But then you blamed yourself for not studying enough like other people. Well, now it’s time to stop blaming yourself and understand that leaving home was a self-protection mechanism, born out of despair and not wanting to be abused any more.  So instead of blaming yourself, try to find compassion for yourself – for the young boy of 16 who ventured out into the world to support himself, because his family was emotionally so cruel to him. So rejecting. So conditional love.

And congratulate yourself because you’ve managed to get your bachelor’s later on, in spite of working full time, which is always much harder. And now you’re even in the process of getting a master’s degree, if I remember well? So congratulate yourself for all your educational achievements, even if you got them a few years later than planned, due to objective circumstances.

Remember, you’re not lazy and “good for nothing”, but it’s that you needed to work in parallel with studying, which makes you actually a high achiever. Even though your father believes you are “less than”, tell yourself that you are a high achiever and very resilient. Because you made it in spite of the objective difficulties.

Wow that’s powerful! Thanks a lot Tee, Thanks for pointing out and made me more aware about this! And yes I think main reason for all this is that I’ve always been and still blaming myself for everything that happened. Being too much “Self-sufficient” like it’s all my responsibility, Like I could’ve done better, even though I was just doing things as per my circumstances. That’s why it’s been hard for me find compassion for myself. And yes I’m indeed a high achiever and very resilient. Thanks again for your positive reminder! I appreciate it 🤗

Oh yes, neuroplasticity is a great thing, because our neural circuits can literally change as we focus on positive things and start having a more positive mindset.

Yes it is!

Well, it seems like you’re still comparing yourself to others in terms of professional success, and are feeling “less than” and that you haven’t achieved enough etc. I hope what I said above might help you put things into perspective and have more empathy for yourself and your life path so far.

Yes you’re right and yeah what you said is really helpful! I did learned empathy but for others, I think I still have to learn having more empathy and compassion for myself.

Yes, try to focus less on other people’s achievements. Don’t compare yourself to others. We all have our individual stories and our unique challenges. We also all have different lessons to learn in life. You only need to focus on yourself and your own life.

100% Right!

Bonjour Tee,

How are you doing? How’s your weekend going?

 How are you getting along with her? Does she allow to be cuddled?

Well now she does. She just comes and sleeps on my lap or belly occasionally. She also let me pet her head when she’s in the mood otherwise my finger is like a chewing toy for her.

Yes, it’s good to have someone to share difficult moments with, not to be alone with our grief. But having a partner just so they can console us in hard times would be a bit unfair to them. I mean, the goal would be to have a full spectrum of emotional intimacy, in both good and bad times. That’s the point of a healthy relationship.

I mean yeah I know that that’s what relationship is about sharing intimacy. So I didn’t mean only for grief, Obviously something more than that

Hmmm… I thought she was smarter than that. Instead of learning to be on her own for a while, she offered you a friends-with-benefits arrangement. That’s hurtful, specially for women, because they usually get more attached than men. And in the case of you two, we know that she is much more attached to you than you to her. So I think she is putting herself in a situation which she will regret.

I feel she’s acting like one of my first LDR (Long-term) girl, She also acted like this because she doesn’t want to lose contact. I guess she still may have hope that she can change things. And another thing is that I still do enjoy talking to her and we talk about lot of things than just sex. Sex is just like a plus point. Also she’s aware that I have no experience for FWB yet or neither does she. So I won’t be purely doing that. Other intimate things will be included. Women are like clever fox lol

What you really think women get attached than men? But yeah for this case yes.

And we did talked about it very openly and I said if we still continue like this it would be harder to move on later on. She said she is aware of this but she said she would even like this regret. So I said it’s not wrong to create more memories together. But I did said I’m not sure so we still take things slowly… and I accept I do crave things from her that’s why I’m not able to directly say No to her.

Well, I personally don’t view sex in the same rank of physical needs as eating, drinking or getting enough sleep. It’s not a part of self-care. So I don’t think it will help you be more productive, if that’s what you meant. But you know yourself best – have you noticed that sex makes you more productive at work?

I mean you know you didn’t had sex for a very long time and then suddenly sex is in your routine? You know because of my past LDRs I wasn’t able do physical things. So it kinda makes me feel like desperate for sex? Yet I do still try to control myself but her libido is also high so it doesn’t help much. And I love morning sex it makes me feel energetic and it fills me up with good vibes and after having morning sex I don’t have any sexual or needy thoughts during the day you know…

You feel that anxiety in social situations or with work-related tasks?

Yes, mainly work and career related things. Maybe I should use LinkedIn less. It makes me feel behind and somewhat jealous and question my abilities. In LinkedIn there are informative stuff but also lot of “Success” posting so..

Also lot of company is laying off people, so I just started to apply for different positions while ago which is also the stressful situation because even after applying for lot of job there isn’t much positive feedback yet

I am happy if they did show emotional support in some situations. But your mother, if I understood well, was your father’s enabler. She enabled him to criticize you and verbally abuse you without intervening. She basically told you to endure it and to be “mature” about it. She failed to protect you. That’s a big omission. And it’s not something that happened once or twice, but consistently. The whole situation was so unbearable that you left home at the age of 16. Those are no small things…

Yeah that’s like we talked before, Even though your father was aware he wasn’t able to protect you, So is my mother. And another thing I guess I didn’t told you is that my mother was worried about physical fight and something would happen to me, because if I remember only two times my father lost control and tried to physically hurt me and also hurt my mother when she tried to save me and when I saw that I didn’t showed him respect like I don’t care who you are you can’t treat us like that it would made him even more angry he be like you can’t disrespect me like that don’t raise your voice in front of me. And I would just be like this is nonsense and go to my room and not talk him for a day or two. And yet all my family (Not my siblings) is like it’s just his anger he didn’t mean any harm. I’m like I’m the kid here or is he’s the kid that he can’t even control his anger? You can bow down to his anger but I won’t. Literally even my relatives says like oh just ignore that he just have some anger tendencies… A good son shouldn’t disrespect his father. But that time only my grandma told him like what are you even doing? That’s how you treat your kids? and he did accept that it was his fault and he’s sorry. Only to my grandma not in front of me. Otherwise, his “pride” would hurt. And after that my mother knew that If anything happens again I’d disrespect him again and it would make things worse between us.

Sorry for long rant

Okay, so you felt your father was kind and “loving” to you only if you performed well at school? You felt that when he praised you, he expected no less than top performance from you? You had to be No1, or else he wouldn’t be pleased? (I am just trying to understand what you said earlier that you felt that people are insincere when they praise you and that they want something in return. So perhaps this behavior doesn’t come from your mother, but from your father?)

Yes that’s right and the minute I make a mistake I’m dumb. He be like I did this and that and some people are not even able to provide daily necessities to their kids and yet they’re performing well then what do you need? They didn’t tell this to my face but I knew their thinking and I did like studying they never had to tell me like go and study like my siblings. They still believe I’m a “good performing” student even though my attention span and curiosity for studying is worse now

It’s good that you’re more open to compliments. Because if the inner critic is strong, it will disregard even the strongest evidence. That happens in the impostor syndrome. But if you silence the inner critic a bit and allow yourself to receive praise, without immediately dismissing it, that’s a good start.

I don’t remember what’s that term called but it’s like what you think is what you see? So I guess if I’m hearing good things about myself, I do feel good things about myself and after that I notice even more better things..

Allow yourself to receive that praise from your therapist and accept that you’re actually doing good and having results pretty quickly. So don’t dismiss it as false praise, but allow yourself to be satisfied with yourself.

Ah the feeling of satisfied with myself! Damn when will I get that? But yeah I started to take positive praise with some critical thinking so I’m not dismissing entirely. We’re imperfect beings after all, Always evolving like universe, and we’re part of this universe so..

Right. So the drill sergeant is still active, still pushing you to do more and faster. Try to notice it and then stop yourself, i.e. invite the good general (forgot his name, sorry) to come to your rescue and send the drill sergeant away.

Yeah that drill sergeant! I do think most of the time he’s not even there he just comes up when I’m feeling down about something and I do try to listen to Good general (Uncle Iroh)

Now I do have friendly inner voice and him. Like I said before I act like I’m my own friend and try to handle the situation if I’m telling myself bad things and Uncle Iroh kinda makes it even better.

Just yesterday I read on a post that says “Love is not just a feeling, It is a daily choice that we make.” What does that mean? Can you elaborate if you know?

Hello Tee,

I am on the lookout for other healing modalities, since the pain is fluctuating, it always comes back. So I need to find something that will give me a more lasting relief.

I see, I hope you find a good one. Take care of yourself 😊
How’s your weekend going?

I am sorry about that. It could be that the loss of your cat leads you to feeling more sensitive and down. And this can contribute to resorting to self-soothing tools, such as overeating. Because a lot of us use food to soothe ourselves, specially if the only nurturing we had in childhood was physical nurturing. If instead of being emotionally nurtured, we were given food whenever we were upset, that’s a perfect recipe for developing eating disorders later.

I mean you’re right but I think it’s also could be like I’m not someone who mostly misses someone? Not even people who are really close to me, But I do miss my cat maybe that’s why? Because it’s kind of a dysregulation? And I accept that she did gave me like a good emotional relief so now I’m like should I find a new gf and cuddle her? Just for that emotional relief you know…But I know it’s not a proper fix.

Also good news is that since my Neighbour (If you remember I play with her kid) rescued a cat and told me that I can have her as long as I want, It does making me feel little better but still making me miss her more.

And yup as you guessed I’m overeating and even (like the most time) to not overthink while eating I started watching anime or movie while having my meals.

Seems you mother was similar to mine: mostly interested in your physical nurturance (and physical well-being), but in terms of emotions, not really supportive.

Well she does asks me if I’m stressed about something or not, because they think one of the reason people are skinny is that they’re stressed. And also, she’s not much aware about modern mental health things (Americans have like hundreds of them and like each trait have a name)

Yes, that too is typical. I’ve just watched a video on binge eating, which explains that by the evening we have already been exposed to various stressors during the day, and our stress tolerance gets depleted. That’s why we have a greater need to soothe ourselves in the evening. Besides, that’s when most of the people come home from work and have the need to relax and unwind… and so eating too much becomes a part of that ritual.

Oh that’s right it does makes sense!

The title of the video is “How to stop binge eating“, by psychotherapist Kati Morton. She also explains what to do to help ourselves. One of her suggestions, in fact her first suggestion, is the same what you doctor friend told you: to eat at least 3-4 times a day, and to have snacks in between to prevent getting extremely hungry and then overeat.

She has other useful tips too, like not restraining yourself and dieting because that’s only going to produce a counter-effect. Also to observe our inner voice, because the inner critic can get very loud when we overeat, or don’t eat as healthy as we would like to. I know from my own experience that I used to berate myself for my ED, and it was strengthening my inner critic, making me feel very bad about myself. And then I’d need something to soothe myself, and ended up eating again.. so it was a vicious circle.

Hmm yeah that’s true back then I used to be very aware of my “Diet” and always thinking like this food is bad and that food is bad so in my early teens (When I just started using internet)

How is this food and blah blah because there would be some articles which would be saying that yeah this food is bad. So because of that I didn’t had like healthy fats and mostly pure vegetarian for a very long time, I’d be eating mostly green vegetables, No milk or even rice because I thought it makes people fat and because years of misconception my body just adapted it like that. So that’s what I’m trying to change.

She seems like a pretty self-observant person, willing to learn and grow. She was honest with you and explored the reasons why she felt like going back to her ex. And she realized that it’s maybe because she is scared of being alone. But now, she’s realized that this is exactly what she needs… So a learning moment for her! I like her

Haha okay so even for this I’m somewhat responsible, Because we did talk deep level things and she did asked me about the way I am and you know that she likes my “Calm” so I did tell her very clearly that it’s all self-awareness and mindfulness. So she got more interested about self-improvement and stuff so

Hmmm, yeah, I mean you gave her a different perspective. And maybe she does need to find herself a little more, to become less needy and less craving for attention, for being the center of her partner’s universe. Because she did say things like that, if I remember well. If that’s the case, she’d need to learn how to be more self-sufficient. Which is what you’re an expert in

Hmm I see, So a question, so as human beings do we always try to fulfil other people that we’re good at? If so, Why is this drive?

It’s good that you don’t tolerate his open criticism, so he isn’t even trying any more. I just wanted to ask you if there was a situation where he started criticizing you but you stopped him. But then I remembered that you mentioned that you did challenge him once on the phone and told him that if he cannot talk to you normally, better not talk at all, right? And then he hang up, but then called you back a few days later?

Yes that’s right

I guess that was his lesson, and he learned that he can’t be openly rude with you. And I can imagine your mother talked to him too and convinced him to speak nicely to you… So I guess he is suppressing his need to judge you, but it’s still there in him, and comes out indirectly, in the form of those veiled remarks and comparisons with other people.

I guess so yeah.. They visited me this weekend with both of my siblings. And so far this time he didn’t even compared this time.

But for that, you’d need to be judgment-proof. Almost like bullet-proof. You’d need to let those arrows slide from you, like from a shield. Which means that you’d need to have your “armor” on whenever you talk to your father, and not let anything in. What is also super important is to diminish the voice of your inner critic, because your inner critic is like a Trojan horse – he opens the door and lets the arrows hit you. I am using the military analogy again, but perhaps it helps?

Yes I understood it well, I’ll try it like that

It seems to me you’re disregarding the positive input from people,

I guess because I never had that in my childhood and only criticism so now it’s just hard to trust what people say

because you want to believe you’re not attractive enough. It’s like the impostor syndrome, when we believe that we cannot possibly be talented, that our success happened by chance and not by our merit. With this too – your inner critic is telling you you’re not good looking (or not muscular enough or whatever), and you rather believe him than the feedback you receive from people.

It means should I believe in positive feedback? If so how you’d determine what to let in or let out

Also just a side note, Are you working from home? I found this from a LinkedIn post, and it says whenever you’re working always play a Instrumental/LoFi music that you like… and I think it’s actually helping me focus more and somewhat in better mood and less anxious as well.

Hey Tee,

As for myself, I too am feeling a little better. Hopefully it won’t be temporary, like last time.

You do yoga right?

Yes, it’s important that you’re aware of it and working on it. Are you still doing the journaling (writing down your fears and resentments)?

I didn’t do it while I was at my hometown but now that I’m back to the city I’ll continue.. and I do feel better while journaling. Also letting things happen by itself and just trust the divine so I don’t feel overwhelmed by everything.

I see… so you’d want her to stick around to prove her love. Although you didn’t let her say “I love you” and were not showing that you care about her too much… so yes, it’s kind of a contradiction. If you want her to stick around, you’d need to show it too…

Yes I know that, But because she’s taking time and still sticking to past, That’s why I told her no. She reacted like I did this entirely by myself. But she didn’t argue much after that. She hugged me tight and kissed and still asked me to just friends? I said I’ll think and answer, And after I said No she said She won’t get back together with her ex either. I said it’s your decision, If you don’t need to be in rush, Don’t rush.

Okay, I understand this makes you upset, but I think the first thing you should do is become more immune to those indirect judgments. To know that you are good enough as you are. So those veiled comments will not bother you so much.

Yeah that good enough feeling isn’t that easy. Is it? haha

And then you can decide what you want to do – whether it makes sense to ask your father not to mention other people to you, or to let it go. If you are not so triggered, it will be easier to take it lightly, e.g. to change the topic, or say “Yeah, he/she is doing quite well” (you sort of agree with them).

You don’t need to start justifying yourself, you just acknowledge that this person is doing well, while knowing inside of yourself that you too are doing well and that you are good enough. If you are not judging yourself, their judgments will carry less weight too.

I mean I’m aware of that, and I don’t have like any kind of jealousy. But me and my siblings are worried that they (My Father and grandpa) aren’t like a children then they shouldn’t behave like this, They should be happy with what they have and have feeling of satisfaction. Instead of always complaining this is wrong and that is wrong. That’s just irritating for all of us.

Good! Are your siblings supportive of you? Do they get similar treatment from your father and grandfather?

Yes I’m really lucky that my siblings are really supportive. And yeah they do get similar treatment from my father and grandfather. My little brother somewhat doesn’t much bothered because I can sense his self-esteem, But yeah he’s annoyed as well, However for my sister she’s quite sensitive, Maybe even more sensitive than me. But she also accepted that there is not much chances of them changing

I just checked, BMI of 19 is not undernourished, but on the border. But you say you do a eat a lot and aren’t vomiting, which doesn’t really qualify as anorexia or bulimia. Does it mean you have periods of indulging in food and then starving yourself, not to gain weight? Because that too can be disordered eating – sort of swinging from one extreme to the other.

Hmm well swinging from one extreme to the other I’d say yes. Also I only have two big meals per day. Lunch and dinner. I skip breakfasts.

EDs are always related to nurturance, I think. In my family, food was the only “pleasure” that was not judged, so basically it was okay if I ate a lot, I wasn’t judged for that. But I was for just about everything else. So I guess that’s also one of the reasons food became my “drug” of choice.

Oh I see, That’s why you had anorexia

Yes, it seems you don’t feel good enough, in this case attractive enough physically. Which is just another manifestation of feeling not good enough in general. I guess that in reality, things are a little different, because you did say earlier that you get compliments for your looks, and you do get attention from pretty girls, right? So you not feeling attractive enough is something you are telling yourself – it’s a part of your inner critic. And you know how to treat that inner critic, don’t you?

Yes I do not listen much to that critic but I think I have to get more positive input or affirmation or something like that on that part?