Ola Tee*
I addressed myself instead of you 😂

Ola Tee,

I am having another not so good period health-wise, so I am not too cheerful. But holding on, keeping hope that it’s going to get better eventually…

Oh I see but I’m glad you’re keeping up the hope. I also hope you’ll be better

True, I was told that Spanish and Italian are sort of similar. Don’t know about French – everyone says it’s pretty hard….

Haha yeah French is not that much similar or say least similar in romance languages, also tongue twisting a lot. But Spanish, Italian and Portuguese are very similar to each other.

For a guy who watched a lioness give birth… no wonder that cities are boring

Well even in the big cities I prefer outside areas not center areas just for near to wild and some more peaceful and farther from city noise.

Great! So at least intellectually you know you’re free to make your own decisions and no one is forcing you to tie the knot.

Yes I know that so I just have to stop fearing about it

Haha… I don’t even think it’s possible with cats – they are great individualists and pretty sneaky  But you can be a father figure to that boy from the neighborhood, whom you were teaching how to ride a bike.

Haha I agree with you on cats. And yes I do spend time with him but less since he’s spending more time indoors.

I get it… that’s great that you’re in touch with your inner child! When you were a child, did you feel judged by your parents for being spontaneous and a little silly? Did they often tell you to “behave”?

Hmm they never had to tell me to “behave” because I was very observant. And grandfather used to talk about other kids of my age how much they have “accomplished” and well behaved they are. So without much thought I was like okay as a kid this age I have to be well behaved and not do many silly things like other kids doing who aren’t much “accomplished”

Can you give me an example? What in your life should be your way and you wouldn’t agree to any kind of compromise?

That’s not an easy question to answer but I’ll try

Hmm I think my freedom and ability to do whatever I want. Because like in relationship I care too much and even if they’re little careless about their health or things that affect them or make them worry it makes me worry 3x times more and I can’t focus on my things.

After that I noticed that in relationships I just loose myself in the process because over caring and overthinking about partner. And it affects my mood and even the sleep so…

Back to the freedom part like I said If I even notice even a little that what I suggested made them uncomfortable I wouldn’t hesitate to change my plans just to see them not disappointed.

Also ability to go wherever I go. It’s like a parent would be like don’t go to hike there it’s dangerous out there and then even after she said no and I’d go I feel guilty.

But I had two different partners who were very accepting yet still I was worried about all these things.

Dear Tee,
How are you doing?

Wow, you’re quite ambitious wanting to learn 3 new languages!

Well romance languages are kind of similar to one another, So not so hard and it’s just fun watching old vintage French and Italian movies on weekends so…

I myself am more of an utilitarian type of person – I’d do it only if I absolutely need it, e.g. if I want to live there.

Well that’s also good and feels like less burden I guess haha

So you too are keen to leave, right, because you’ve started getting bored with the city you live?

Yes. I get bored pretty quickly. If there aren’t enough things that interest me

Great that you gave the newcomers the freedom to make mistakes, so they don’t need to feel so anxious! That, together with some meditation techniques, might be really helpful.

Yup! I really hope so

Well, the first thing is to become more mindful – to slow down and observe yourself as you’re going through some of those triggering situations. To notice that e.g. “my anxiety is going up because she mentioned a long-term commitment”. You notice it and you know it’s a trigger for you, which gets you to react defensively (fight-or-flight).
So if you don’t want to react defensively and run away immediately, you may want to take some slow breaths to calm yourself down. And you can tell yourself “I am being triggered now”. Also, don’t judge yourself for being triggered. Instead, have compassion for yourself as you’re observing the surge of emotions and the impulse to run away.

Okay so I’ll note this and try to work on that. Thanks! In some situations like when my anger gets triggered I do notice that directly, be mindful about it and then ask questions and calm it down after some slow breaths

So just breathe and observe yourself without judgment. That will help you stay in your rational brain and not be completely taken over by the limbic brain. Maybe this is enough for starters. Or you can also tell yourself something like “I don’t need to get married if I don’t want to. I am free to decide what I want to do.” If you don’t trust these affirmations (i.e. if you don’t trust that you have the freedom to decide), you’d need to work on that in therapy.

Hmm I think I can trust these affirmations if I reach to this step after being mindful about this specific trigger
But in any case, strengthening the observer part of yourself would be very important. Your therapist suggested the same: mindfulness. Be mindful, i.e. notice when you get triggered. And then try to slow down and calm yourself down, instead of reacting from your limbic brain, making rash decisions.….

Yes I agree

Yes, when you make a mistake, or when you feel you should be doing more at work, call in the positive father figure and send the drill sergeant away

Yes that’s what I’m working on.. You think act as a father figure to my cat counts? 😂

Yes, you’ve been independent since your teenage years, and it certainly made an impact on you. In fact, you said the reason you left home at 16 or 17 was that you didn’t want anyone (specially your parents) to tell you what to do and how to live your life. You wanted to be free from their grip and their control (and their judgment).
Living with someone and being partially “dependent” on them, or at least affected by them, probably causes a terrible fear in you. Because in your mind, it could be that living with someone means to be subject to their control, judgment, constraints to your freedom etc. Maybe you equate living with a partner to living with your parents…. and it terrifies you?

Hmm well that’s an interesting and clever of you to think from that perspective and I think yeah! I don’t like being even partially “dependent” on someone or affected by them. It could be because I like to control (It’s lot better than before but still) but not being controlled. Because I prefer some things should be my way. And It should be without judgements. Like I know I’m in touch with my inner child and I still do lot of things that an adult actually doesn’t do like I turned into a kid when I’m with kids, Different kind of bicycling, Singing and dancing for no reason (Lot of times while cooking, Watching Anime and Cartoons and lot of things like that) And I kind of fear they would judge me for that and not actually understand. And also constrains to my freedom is a big thing you see sometimes I can’t say No to a person even though I’d like to say No. But another reason is I really fear disappointing them. So yeah lot of things going on

You’re afraid of intimacy, of being judged by the other, perhaps of being controlled by them and losing your freedom. As I said above, perhaps you see an intimate relationship a similar kind of prison like you saw your childhood and the relationship with your parents? And that’s why the very idea of living with someone in a committed relationship gives you the creeps?

Hmm I guess so.. with my parents It was mainly the freedom thing because of their overprotectiveness. But I do get what you mean in relationships we also get over caring and over protective.. or at least that’s something how I feel it

I am glad that your real connections are growing, and that you see me too as someone who supports your growth. I am really happy for you and am rooting for you, as you continue to walk your path!

Thanks a lot!🙏🏽

Also, I just finished watching the video you told me about – <b>Why it’s important to stay connected. </b>

It was insightful and something to think about

In video he gives good example of Phone’s network connection and asks where are you?

And after some thinking I’m just going back and forth to every connection type. But I’m more jumping on No connection to good connection (To get that next thing addiction)

about bad connection one thing is that now I feel like I’m working on it good enough that I don’t let other people judgments define me so even if they say something I don’t care about it. For example, like what my father told me in past and how critical he was, Yeah, I accept that it gave me an emotional wound to heal but I’m at least not letting that wound to get worse.

And for Real connection – and I think it’s a good reminder of what we talked about having a good supportive people around

I can safety say that my real connections are growing. They help me become who I and empowers me. You, Some good supportive friends, Good career mentors…
So Yeah I’m thankful for everyone and everything. 🙏🏽

Coucou Tee,
How are you feeling today?

Oh so you would be leaving to another company? I thought you’d be moving up the ladder in your current one… What made you want to leave so soon, after only 3 months of being a manager there?

Yes. Actually, my manager knows this company’s VP well so that’s why he gave me this opportunity. It’s more suitable role because of my diverse skillset with more responsibility. my manager said that VP is really skilled and I can learn a lot from than him.
He said that because I made some processes efficient in few weeks that he couldn’t do in months.

 

Well, it is sort of sudden… Although you’d probably manage to get used to the new people, just like you did with your current team. You say you feel “too much comfortable” around them – does it mean the atmosphere is pleasant and you work well together as a team? What about the changes and improvements you’ve introduced – are you pleased with that?

I don’t know I think it just take efforts for me to get comfortable about new people. and Comfortable by I mean like Not super serious work environment. Which I prefer. Fun and focused team. We make fun of each of other and just comfortable share things which is more than work. Not too much personal but still it feels more connected that way than working with robotic people who are only focused on work you know what I mean? Yet still we finish our projects before deadline.

Also I think I did help a little for more collaborative and connected team from the changes that I’ve introduced. Remember I told you about the vulnerability. Also recently I requested company to give all employees Headspace – Meditation Premium App subscription for free which they’ve accepted. And main thing I taught team how to have more Product-led growth approach.
Am I pleased with that? Well so far I’m pleased but I think I could still do something more.

The title of the video is “Why it’s important to stay connected“. In the first 2 minutes there’s a bit of rambling, but after that he gets into the meat of it – definitely worth watching!

Thanks for sharing, I’ll watch the video and let you know.

I see… so it seems your fear of a long-term commitment got triggered when she mentioned  it, and your knee-jerk reaction was to run away. A while ago we talked about a committed relationship and freedom, and how it is possible to have both, of course with the right person. But I guess you fear was stronger, so you didn’t want to even try to see what happens next in the relationship and if such compatibility is possible. You called it quits immediately. I am not saying this to judge you, but so you can notice what happened…

Yes you guessed it right. She said it so seriously that I was kind of caught in the middle and I didn’t know what to say and my response was to run away. And yes I do remember we talked about a committed relationship and freedom. But I guess my heart wasn’t ready accept it fully? Maybe That’s why I didn’t even thought about it much and responded this way. And I actually felt like I’m out of some trap after that.

Well, it could be that she’s already experienced quite a few failed relationships and would like at least a chance at something serious? That the guy she is dating doesn’t categorically refuse such an option…

Hmm right dating is exhausting and maybe for women even more exhausting? I guess since most of the time there’s one partner after another.

Maybe her question scared you away, because you thought she’ll be expecting you to marry her? But perhaps she only asked if you’re open to a long-term committed relationship, i.e. don’t exclude this possibility from the get-go?

Yeah it did scared me because I’m scared for a commitment first. But you right perhaps she was asking just for that long-term possibility.

Dear Tee,
Hope you’re doing better

Last time I forgot to congratulate you on you applying for a management position – how did it go? Did you get it?

I’m still on the last interview stage. So let’ see.
These days I’m feeling little burned out, yet I still have to prepare for interview and everything because this is good opportunity.

Okay, so be aware that you have this false belief “if I show vulnerability, I’ll be attacked.” And change it to some positive statement about vulnerability, e.g. “showing vulnerability is key for a loving relationship”.

Yes right but like you said around right people.

So the solution would be that when you feel your girlfriend is doing something that hurts you – to tell her, instead of resenting her for not figuring it out on her own. Once you tell her, you’ll see how she reacts and whether she can understand and empathize with you…

You see it’s not that easy for me because I’d feel like she’s judging for wrong reasons and not actually understanding me and if I explain her in details it could just make things more uncomfortable.

By the way, I haven’t asked you about your date which was supposed to happen last weekend, right? (around 10 days ago) How did it go, if you don’t mind me asking?

Like I told you before I don’t like the current dating scenario. There is just too much going on and feels like too much work for me. And I don’t want my emotional energy drain that way. I want to be straight-forward about it. But it doesn’t work that way I don’t know

So about the date, It was really good we actually spent more time together than we decided. Had a good coffee and went the near science museum. She was really talkative (Like I noticed before) But tbh I liked her energy and I was comfortable around her. Heck even I was talkative. She’s simple girl and avid reader and into romance novels a lot. She’s also outgoing which is good too.

Now the “dating scenario” so even though next morning she texted me “ I had an amazing time together, we should do this again” and I said yeah me too. After that day I texted her but she was doing like one sentence answers. So I told her good night and slept. And I was talking to my friend and she was like I have to play it cool and don’t seem needy. I mean just texting is needy? I don’t even wanna text anymore if she doesn’t want…so how’s that needy? Another day she texted but it was my turn to “play it cool” and not give her much attention and replying late so yeah it’s still going on like that.. 😂

Another question how much do you aware of the word “situationship”?

Also, Few Days ago I read an article about slow living, Are you practicing any kind of things related to that?

Hi Helcat,
How are you finding meditation? I found it tough when I started a couple of years ago.

Same for me. I started with guided meditation first only with 5 minutes in the starting. Even currently I do 10 minutes after shower when I’m feeling fully fresh. Sometimes at the evening time without time limitation and let mind wonder to get the clear idea of what’s happening you know… It’s definitely helping for being mindful.

I also walk every day and meditate for 15 minutes twice a day. I like to do a 15 minute stretch routine I found on YouTube too. I find that all of these practices help to manage pain.

That’s good!

I’m being very careful with what I’m eating because I’ve been having stomach issues. I noticed that emotional difficulties pop up when I’m having difficulty digesting. The mind / body connection is very interesting!

Hmm interesting I’ll try to read more articles on this when I have some time

I find that keeping a gratitude journal helps with my mental health. Before evening meditation I try and list a few small good things that happened during the day. This helps me sleep and develops a positive attitude.

That’s great for me currently journaling is mostly depends on my mood when I feel like it I can write more than an hour and when I don’t, I just don’t but I’d prefer some consistency though. For Gratitude I’ve created gratitude prayer for things that I’m really grateful for and I really value. The first thing when I wake up is doing that prayer and at least for first 30 minutes not touching my phone. I also turn off Wi-Fi/data when I sleep, and I just only use it for some soothing instrumental music when I wake up in the morning.

Dear Tee,

Tomorrow is my first appointment…

Okay good, Be sure to update me.

Sure, and also, if you constantly feel the need to “improve” the person, pushing her to do this or that, she might feel she’s not good enough for you. She might feel criticized and judged, like she’s is with a strict parent, not an equal partner. So yes, more empathy and less control is key…

Yes you said so well

Good! So if she complains about something, first listen and empathize. Only then offer advice

Yes, that’s what I’m doing. With lot of communication even with my friends and teammates

Do what feels right to you.

That’s what I believe in Yes

Absolutely – if you feel you’re not ready for marriage, don’t do it. And yes, don’t settle for someone just because others are telling you it’s time to settle.

Yes I know when it’s time to settle.

Great! I am rooting for you!

Oh Thanks!

Well, you’ll see. You’ll need to spend some time together to see how she is in person. But don’t judge her by how tall she is or other physical features – her character and personality are much more important!

You’re right lowering/mute the critic inside me would be lot better.

And Today I had another therapy season.

She said I’m doing lot better than she expected 😌

Also I told her the things that I’m working on Empathy, compassion, Being Good enough for inner voice as well as treating child version of me with more love.etc

Yet she told me she feels like I still have rigid layer around my heart. I’m more sensitive but changing my root beliefs and believe and love myself in healthier will take some more time

And she gave me good example of window glass. What happens when you throw rock at the window glass? Not just that injure the people inside. Rigid things break easily. So let it at ease. Let it feel things let it be softer

She told me if you’re able to being kind with others it’s time to be kind with yourself too.

For that she suggested some Yoga and journaling but like in a way that I’m my own good friend she said it would also help for my compassion part as well

Also she said I still have to work on my root chakra little bit more. My sacral chakra looks already good. But still we’ll work on that and after that Solar plexus chakra which she said I will have put more focus on.