Dear Tee,

How are you feeling today?

Have you already visited the doctor?

I like the quote, but it’s apparently not something that Buddha said, but Charlie Chaplin. I hope it’s still true

Lol I think I read it in some article like years ago since then I was like it’s Buddha who said this but thanks for clarifying

 kind general seems like a perfect candidate for a positive father figure

Yup Definitely. I love the way he mentors his nephew (Prince Zuko), My fav scene is when Uncle Iroh says to his nephew “IT’S TIME FOR YOU TO LOOK INWARD AND START ASKING YOURSELF THE BIG QUESTION: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?” because his Nephew wanted a validation and respect from his father (Fire Lord) so he thought The mission his father gave it’s his destiny, and he was working so hard towards it. So that’s why Uncle Iroh also tells him “THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH A LIFE OF PEACE AND PROSPERITY.”

as long as you don’t put yourself in a high-risk situations, like climbing high mountains in winter, or climbing frozen waterfalls (an acquaintance of mine is doing just that!).

I think little risk taking is good for that adrenaline to go on sometimes. Just to makes me feel more alive. Climbing frozen waterfalls?? Well that does sound tricky. Have you tried anything like that before?

I wonder how safe and comfortable you felt in your previous relationships? I mean, did you feel you can be yourself completely or you felt you needed to pretend in some way?

I wouldn’t say 100% safe. Because I did had trust issues and I wouldn’t just open up to anyone. So it was like being comfortable as the time goes. But in my first relationship I did feel like I had to pretend the strong and understanding type in every way possible.

But being totally yourself in the starting is even possible? You know what I mean? It’s just not easy to describe

You talked about the pattern that you’ve noticed in yourself: that at first you might like her “a lot”, write poems etc, and then if she reciprocates, you get cold feet, i.e. you start feeling trapped. So if this is your pattern, you might end up moving on even if you really like the girl in the beginning. What I am trying to say that if you don’t work on your fear of intimacy, you might be repeating the same pattern again and again…

Right I know I have to work on my fear of intimacy.. maybe that’s why I don’t feel so deep in relationships? But like what could be other options available for me? I mean for experimentation like without being with someone how can I work on fear of intimacy? And it’s not like I’m already planning to find a life-partner. You can take this as like fear of commitment too 😆

Hm.. if I understood your pattern well, you get attached very quickly (writing poems etc), but then you get afraid of your attachment (and I guess your strong feelings for the girl), and you start feeling trapped. You don’t want to feel so dependent and needy, and so you start cooling down and distancing yourself? At least that’s how I understood you so far.

Ohh I haven’t thought of it this way… But it could be..

Hello Tee,

I’m having some health issues that have surfaced only recently, in the last couple of weeks or so, and which do worry me. I am looking for treatment options and hoping for the best. Please don’t ask me about the details, I don’t feel like sharing too much about it at this point. But thank you for inquiring about my well-being, I do appreciate it.

Oh I’m sorry to hear that. And it’s okay if you’re not comfortable about the details. Due to my reckless behaviour sometimes, I do have good experience about hospitals and treatments and one thing I strongly believe in is HOPE. And there’s always a way. So I hope you’ll be alright.

I am glad you found some peace of mind in that Henry Cloud’s video. Yes, you’re already doing a lot – realizing your issues, asking for help (both here and in therapy), and making concrete steps, practicing new things, slowly but surely changing your approach.

Yes I’m glad for that. I honestly believe things are working out for me and I can feel the change. Before I was holding tight on beliefs that I had which didn’t let me make progress even though I wanted to. But since I realized that having work on something doesn’t mean you’re not good enough, Not all are perfect and we all have to work on ourselves, improving. To be more Being You. So I highly appreciate you and all the people who helped and helping me for being ME.

What you need is to strengthen the compassionate, good parent part, who will tell the drill sergeant to back off. Who will protect you from his demands, his cruelty and his lack of empathy. You are already developing this compassionate part, and your goal is to strengthen it further.

So each time when you hear the voice telling you “this isn’t enough, this is so far from where you need to be, you need to speed things up, you’re such a disappointment…” – you need to tell him to BACK OFF. Like a good parent would protect his child from a bully, you need to protect yourself from this bully in your head. You need to stop listening to him.

If the army analogy resonates with you, you can even imagine that this empathic guy, who will put the drill sergeant in his place, is someone higher in rank (a colonel, lieutenant or general – if I understood the military ranks correctly). So a colonel might tell the drill sergeant to back off and leave you alone. Or, if you don’t like the military analogy, you can come up with another person you admire, who is a kind, warm and empathic father figure.

 

Thanks for the really good example and analogy. You’re right I think that would help a lot for strengthen my compassion.  I might have an idea for this. I watch a lot of anime so I’ll try to find a good guiding figure which I admire. (I’m thinking about Uncle Iroh from Avatar but I’ll research more)

But I wonder if you knew that they would be worried and went to explore anyway, or you thought there wouldn’t be any consequences? Or your curiosity was stronger and you couldn’t stop yourself, even if you knew your parents would be worried?

Hmm As far as I remember I think my curiosity was stronger. And for consequences I thought what can happen? I kind of had that confidence that I wouldn’t die and I’ll be saved no matter what

some spiritual teachings it’s called the expansive principle, which is necessary for growth. The problem is if we take it to the extreme by e.g. doing reckless things, which might endanger our life and our health. Or if we work ourselves to death and never rest, all in the name of  “expansion”, growth and excellence.

You see what I mean? Too much expansion can be bad… unless we balance it with self-care, nurturance, rest, tending to what we have, rather than thinking of new acquisitions all the time. This other principle is called the contracting principle, and it’s a necessary force in the universe, otherwise things would blow apart. We are in harmony when both principles are in harmony within us, neither of them overly dominating. Alright, maybe this is too much philosophy, but I am mentioning it anyway, in case you find it helpful…

 

That’s really interesting and indeed a good balance example. I actually love philosophy so don’t worry haha.. I’ll research for those terms in details because I do frequently think about the new acquisitions otherwise, I feel like I’m behind and not learning or doing enough

That’s sweet! Just give her (or leave her) some food, she’ll sure come again!

She’s mostly spending her time at my place anyways haha. Currently she’s sleeping on my lap.

Were you talking to her while you were in a LDR with another girl?

No.

You’ve mentioned some problems in your current LDR – are you still with that girl?

No, I think you misunderstood. I also limited that relationship only for friendship. Because after giving a thought I want a more physical relationship not where I have to spend much time on texting but doing activities together. But Nowadays I’m just more focused with my career too. But I’m thinking about starting dating. I think I need that otherwise I’d be just too introvert around woman face to face. And another thing is that LDR or In-Person relationships I’ve never proposed any woman so…

Hi Tee,
How are you?

So today in my YouTube dashboard One of the Henry Cloud’s video showed up and It really lightened me up. “These Stages Will Help You Change Emotionally Unhealthy Patterns” in this video I’ve realize one of the things about my impatience.
In that he talks about that Realizing that you need to work on your emotional health and you’re already within the supportive group (Thanks to you as well) Which makes You already way down the road. It’s a progress and he gives an example about an oak tree. Like we can’t directly grow a tree. So we have to surrender to the progress first. Planting the seed, taking care and gardening.etc
Which helps for quickly and “NOW” pressure.

 where he said that unless we don’t change anything in our routine, what difference will a flip of the calendar make?  

So True and since we’re habitual creatures it’s not easy to change habits without good enough reason

When is it the hardest for you to be compassionate with yourself? Maybe if you can give me an example?

Hmm I’m not sure about this. And To be honest I don’t have an actual idea how to be really compassionate with myself because most of the time I put other’s need first, Even though I know that this isn’t good for me. Also sometimes I need answers to questions going on my head right away even though it’s a complex questions. Which makes me overthinking and criticizing myself even more.

Remember that you told me about making mistakes? so yeah it’s also there as well
But the some of the things does helping me that I’m trying
Like treating myself like I’m my own best friend

Being Mindful
And I’m not in need of validation from others

So if I understood you well, you are action-oriented and strive to implement new things ASAP, without too much thinking about it and analyzing it in advance, because if you do, you’ll end up overthinking and it will drain your energy. Is this what you’re saying? So you just plunge into it right away, and see what happens?

I do analyze it like a quick analysis and implement it

I want to learn how to be a great leader by the end of the month, and I need to introduce the employee’s feedback box and all these other novelties, because that should help me become a great leader in 30 days” – well that would be putting a lot of pressure on yourself. I don’t know what your attitude is, but perhaps it’s something similar to the latter?

Yes I know that well that being a great leader takes time. But even though in few months I feel like I worked a lot on my soft skills I’m still not proud of myself and still wanting more and more… You know what I mean?

You’re kind of curious and relaxed about the outcome.

This is what I’m trying for yet still sometimes even though I’m sure that it’s not a big deal still I get worried little things for no reason

And too afraid indeed, because you weren’t trying to do anything dangerous or reckless,

Okay so about that, I was doing some things in my childhood that my parents considered reckless. Eg. Skipping my primary school classes sometimes to see lion in the green fields of my village. Or just foxes or deer. But with group of people obviously not all alone. Because It was really exciting for me. I’ve literally seen how lioness gave birth to a lion cub and I still remember that moment vividly.
Another time I was crazy enough to walk down on the unknown road for 12kms just because I wanted to find out where it goes because there wasn’t any sign and I asked one man there what’s there and he laughed and told me why you don’t find out? because I don’ know, So I walked but luckily at the evening time another man from my village was there and he got me back home safely.

My father was furious, and my mom was crying. = more restrictions for me

I was around 8-9 years old that time.

I can relate because my mother refused to buy me a bike, because she was afraid I’d get overrun by a car… And so I’ve never learned how to ride a bike in my childhood, and it got ever more difficult as I got older. I did try it as an adult but never got good at bike riding… because of my mother’s fears.

Oh same thing happened to me for motorcycle. I was last of my siblings to learn a motorcycle because my father was like you can’t learn as your little brother did. My little brother also learned car driving and I’m still not motivated enough to learn driving a car.

But yeah one thing I excel is bicycling. I love it. It gives me more fun vibes. I still listen to classic songs wearing earphones and go for a bicycle ride instead of evening walk sometimes. So if you want you can try to learn again

My mother was certainly like that, and I myself was quite an anxious child too, so I stayed by my mother’s side rather than venturing out to explore the world…

And what about now? Now you have curiosity to explore or you’re already tired?

Luckily, you were a different type. You didn’t allow yourself to get intimidated by them. You ventured out on your own, and dared to try many new things.

Haha yeah one thing I’m proud of!

I wonder if the push to always try new things and never give yourself a break is in part related to your fear of being “subdued” and made dependent/controlled by your parents? A subconscious fear that if you don’t keep moving, they’ll catch up with you and “restrain” you and you’ll lose your freedom?

Hmm I’m not actually worried about losing my freedom because I’m really independent now and my parents knows well about my freedom mindset. But maybe I still have to look deeper about what I’m grateful for and actually be happy about it. Instead of running for one goal to another.

Also another things I want to tell you

One little kitten started to come to my place frequently so she’s kind of my pet now. Even though I don’t know much about taking care of cats I’m loving this 😀

Another thing, So There’s this girl, few months ago and she wanted to be in relationship with me and I told her no and after that we were just talking sometimes. Like two times a week or even less. Nothing Romantic.
But since she told me she found a boyfriend I don’t know why I feel confused. I mean I know well why I told her no because I wasn’t ready for a relationship. I don’t know that why is it happening like it’s the intimacy that I’m craving or it’s just sexual frustration or something else?

Hi Tee!
Sending the warmest wishes for a wonderful new year with good luck and great adventures! Have a sparkling Happy New Year 2023! 🤗🌟🙏

an acquaintance of mine has hypothyroidism because his thyroid is physically too small. He doesn’t have Hashimo (i.e. the structure of the gland is fine), but it is simply too small to produce enough hormone. And so he needs to take supplementation.

Right I got what you mean. I’ve talked to my doctor he told me that for Hashimoto or Hypothyroidism both have the same hormone supplements. And as per my levels he said I have Hypothyroidism. But to be reassured I can take the ultrasound test so I’ll take the test later on.

perhaps you fear they would judge you again?

I guess but I don’t want this fear because it’s limiting fear

But even if they aren’t judgmental anymore, it is your inner critic that is judging you for not being good enough, for not meeting your own expectations as quickly as possible.

This is so true because of my impatience

 However, I think that a part of your motivation comes from the feeling of not being good enough, i.e. the inner critical voice is pushing you to master all these skills as soon as possible. Which is making you feel overwhelmed and lagging behind.

Again right but I talked about this with a friend and she told me that striving to be better ain’t wrong just being self-compassionate along is what should I do…

it seems to me that a part of your motivation for learning stems from not wanting to disappoint your parents. Would you say that’s true?

Hmm for this I’d say that I’m not sure. But could be the root cause because Since teenage Most of the time my expectations are higher from myself first.

Hi Tee! Merry Christmas! 🎄🤗

How are you doing?

My Parents came to visit me so I was busy with that.

Although if your TSH is within limits, I guess the chance of autoimmune disease is lower too.

Well my TSH levels aren’t within limits 6.67 so  (Ref Range – 0.4 and 4.5) (mU/L) That’s why I started the treatment

yes I guess it’s beneficial to have a university degree if you’re a boss in a tech company. And having an MBA is an additional big plus!

Yes that’s what I think

 You said that your inner child is trying to get your parents’ approval (Yes exactly and that’s what my inner child is trying as well.).

Okay so I spent some time with my parents and I can safely say they’re aren’t like before. I used to think they just prefer to judge me all the time. But I think it’s because of the past patterns I’m thinking like that and I need their approval and I don’t want to disappoint them.

But another thing is that now I don’t crave any validation from them. Which I think little better

But I do feel like fear of disappointment is still there

Can you recognize when what happens? And do you have a way to soothe yourself (your inner child), tell him he is good enough etc?

Nowadays I’m feeling emotional and kind of anxious as well (I can’t think of a reason why) So I’m just telling myself to take a long breath and look how far you’ve come and be proud of that and take little steps from there…Everything will be alright

and instead, communicating via email. Cool! And so he’s not too pushy with you in emails?

No. His skills are more you can say face to face. And In email he’s not able to put up with well pointed like me.

You’ll see that the real project is the best teacher. … In a long run, one mediocre project is worth a few books and online courses. Learn from your own mistakes.”

Yes, I totally agree! Because all person’s situations are scenarios are different and that’s why trying different things and implementation that’s what also gives you the confidence for that work you’re doing or the goal you’re going towards

Dear Tee,
Yes It’s always a good idea to wear the glasses in front of screens. I prefer Custom made frames with Crizal Lenses (It comes specially with eye protection from screen)

If she’s a licensed psychotherapist, that’s fine. I am a little skeptical about prana healers, but if they have a degree in psychology or counseling, energy work can be a nice addition. Makes their work more holistic…

Yes She’s licensed psychotherapist and practicing this for more than 5 years

I am not a psychologist or a a counselor, but I do have some basic knowledge in psychology, and I’ve been into personal development for almost 20 years, so I’ve learned quite a bit…

That’s really impressive and working on improving yourself consider as a self-love right?

Hmmm… root chakra is related to our basic sense of security and groundedness in the physical plane. Feeling good in our body, not spacing out, being present in the here-and-now, that kind of stuff. It’s not so much related to our self-esteem. Rather, the 3rd chakra is (the solar plexus). So it’s a bit strange that she suggested to work on the root chakra… Maybe next time you can ask her?

Yes but she said she’ll take things from the ground up. And first chakra to work on is root chakra so

What kind of surrendering did she suggest?

I mean I said for my controlling behaviour and that I’m being hard on myself so…
So she suggested to surrender to myself to whatever I believe in.. God or Nature

when you say a certain affirmation (e.g. “I am good enough”, or “I am competent enough”), do you believe it, or not really?

That’s hard to say because I do feel something but not much.

“Lam is also used to cleanse the muladhara chakra, in order to establish or maintain a sense of being grounded and connected to the earth. … 

Yes but because of the humming it’s also good for my thyroid gland. I guess tomorrow I’ll go for thyroid test and see for my hypothyroidism results. It seems like lot of the health problems connected to thyroid gland. That also includes hairfall. Giving me even more anxiety! So tomorrow I’m going to the hospital for a thyroid test

I remember you said you chose a wrong field to study, and then dropped out of college, right? And now you’re studying online to get a degree?

Yes It’s my last semester. After that I want to apply for a MBA because I found out that lot of management positions does require MBA so..

Yes, I too thought it was super helpful to see the parents as guardians and managers – while we were children, but not beyond.

I’ve just watched that video and two another about parents.
I agree with him and also that dependency is not there so why let control? And the need for approval

A company should have a different culture, where you can also question those orders and give feedback…

Yes totally agree

 which means that your boss is a reasonable person, not a bully. That’s so important to have a normal boss!

I have to work with cross functional teams. So there are different managers for different teams but yeah this one is a good fella.

You’re welcome! Let me know how it went…

It was really good even though I’m still not that much good at presenting and storytelling. But they listened carefully. I’ve also talked about anonymous feedback and PR manager said they’ll start working on this documentations… So I hope to see what good changes it brings 😀

Yeah, I know from talking to people close to me how horrible it is when the boss isn’t interested in the employees’ feedback, and how they are expected to just follow the orders and stay silent. And I think I’ve read somewhere that there are such feedback boxes in good companies, and I really liked the idea…

Even though I don’t have much power in my hands rn but I do feel like there is lot things I can do where I can make a good impact.

No, I am not a leader. Rather, I’m trying to be self-employed, but am very slow in taking action – quite the opposite of you  So I am learning something from you too – how to take action and not be afraid of it. So thank you, too! 

So it’s your experience and wisdom. I’ve done freelancing for like a year and what feedback I got is not for my performance but for my attitude first. So yeah being positive and friendly does help.  I don’t care if I really know the person or not. But I prefer to be friendly instead of cold and distant. Because I think people kind of catch up these vibes. Like why am I really interested in working with them.. So I have to see their positive points which would make me feel confident talking to them as well.

I think first what you can do is create good LinkedIn connections (or from other social media depends on the profession) and build a community that like your work, trusts you and admire you. This is like a first and most important thing you should do if you’re not doing that. Like putting relevant posts there, or maybe present what kind of problem you’re trying to solve. Put sample work etc
The more people would feel connected the easier it will be for you.

And I’m glad, Taking action is firm on what you want and taking small steps towards that. I just have this belief like If I’m doing this I’ll put my 100% which won’t make you feel regret later like you know you gave your all. Another thing I do is think what’s the worst that can happen? You’d still be alive and you can try in different way until it works.

Another thing don’t over research. try to start experimenting for what works instead of just gathering the information

Also talk to the people who are already doing this for years. You’d get more insights from them as well

Dear Tee,

Yes, definitely. It’s important whom we surround ourselves with. But also, if sometimes we can’t avoid dealing with nasty or demanding people – to have boundaries to protect ourselves from them.

Yes but I’ll have to think how to create boundaries with my family. I’m already not living with them, and it’s been they aren’t interfering (which I prefer) They are supportive when I say I want to do this, I want to do that. They be like do what you think is right just go on wrong/dishonest way (because they are sure I wouldn’t) Yet I still like they do treat me like a kid as well? and I talked this about my friend, and she said No matter what age are you, You’ll always be the kid of your parents so they’re going to be overprotective about some things…So I can’t really deny her either

Nice! Are some of those female friends also your work colleagues?

Yes two of them are my work colleagues.

Or that the boss would lose his respect for you (because you would seem weak and incompetent)? Or something else?

I think maybe for this. Because I feel like It would hurt the image that I created at workplace. Because I think respect is something you have to earn so…
But for an experiment just today I said No for a small task because I wasn’t really interested in doing that. So I said No
But so far I’m feeling okay with that

Because I think it’s a bit like parenting – you don’t force other siblings to praise their younger brother or sister. It’s the responsibility of the parents. Because if you force other siblings to do it, they might start feeling jealous and resentful towards their younger sibling. So it might backfire and not be good for the team spirit. But if you, as the team leader, praise the newcomer, and also praise everyone who is doing their best – I think that’s useful and productive.

At least that’s how I see it… tell me if you see it differently?

Hmm That’s another perspective to look at it. But I think I’m doing that because I want team members to feel closed to each other too. and mostly because guys wouldn’t show vulnerability (New or the current ones) it would be like a good starting point for them. There’s no must obligation but more like if they feel like it, they can do this as a friendly gesture. I just want to put this thing as naturally as possible.
I’m also having meeting this week with People because I think some of the old members (experienced employees) who are working in their role quite well for years they should get kind of performance bonus + appreciative gift for sticking with the company. Since it’s already December
What do you think? Should I make any changes? 

Many many years of working on myself did make me pretty self-aware, yes… but it was a long process, definitely not something that happened over night.

Yes it’s not a overnight thing. I do have to remind this to my impatient self.

Another thing I’m feeling anxious about like 2022 about to end. What significant things that I did or achieved. But I’m not able to see enough things

Dear Tee,
How was your weekend?

it could be that successful people are more open to getting help (i.e. to work on themselves), and that’s what makes them so successful! I am not sure about this, but I wouldn’t be surprised at all if it were true.
That could be right just yesterday I watched video on LinkedIn by Simon Senek how vulnerability could the greatest power in leadership position but it’s also right that creating an emotionally safe environment for your team it ain’t no easy work. But somehow, I’ll learn

I watched the video “This is how you replace the critical voices in your head“.

Things I noticed like you said before I do have to surround myself with positive people. And I see that I do interact with positive people. Some of my friends gives me good vibes and even at work It’s going good. But the thing is that people everywhere taking criticism very seriously and praise very lightly that’s what I noticed and same thing is happening with me. So I’ve decided to start new thing for my team if someone is doing better at least 3 people closest to the member and included team leader should write little handwritten note (Even if just a small sticky note) to make that person feel like that did something good and it would cheer them. I’m working remotely but still I think I’d design little canva card just to be more informal way of appreciation. Because no matter what Email would look formal. Because these reminders are important for loud critical voices

Also with his daughter Olivia and sheep example he cleared that it’s all in our head. Which makes me remember the quote by Seneca “We suffer more in imagination than in reality”

And building neuroplasticity with practice – What’s your experience with that so far?

 it’s all about joking, sarcasm and trying to verbally outsmart each other. I am not saying all men are like that, but they are more prone to putting on a mask of a “tough, cool guy”, because that’s what they think is expected of them.

That’s more or less true and the thing is that my group is always like take everything down with smile, don’t say No (Which is like my biggest problem) because we feel like we should be capable of anything, and we shouldn’t disappoint people by Saying NO. Which is why I’ll watch video of Henry Cloud of How to create boundaries and let you know more about it

they think that showing vulnerability is weak and dangerous

Exactly that’s what I mean, so I’m trying to be more open and vulnerable with some of them (in IT we do alpha test like an MVP like testing something before it’s fully developed) So I’m just experimenting that does this can work or we guys just want to stick to this belief that we always have to be the tough, and vulnerability is weakness, and make them realize that it’s really not a sustainable belief and what you can call a growth mindset
Because yeah pretending would make us emotionally exhausted

(and maybe girls too)

Hmm actually I think women do have more EQ, because from my experience most of the female friends (not gfs) that I have they’re more open and vulnerable they trust in me, empathy, communication their way to express their selves can’t be even compared with my guy friends.
Although I do know some of the arrogant ones to who just to prove themselves that they’re right and others are wrong. But I mostly ignore those ones