@anita,

That is an interesting concept. I can’t imagine what it might be however, as I mentioned before, I had a stable, caring upbringing as far as I can remember!

I really really fond anxiety difficult to deal with and would love to be able to overcome it.

s

Kkasxo,

I probably should have reached out, I don’t know why I’m so hesitant with these things. My decision-making ability is shot at the moment, simple decision stump me and I have to get others to tell me what to do. All part of them anxiety I guess and no confidence in my own decisions. I have to confess I don’t have Netflix, he had it and he set up an account on his for me. So right now, I’m a little lost. I guess I just need to pass the hours, but it’s so draining and exhausting having to constantly fill your time.

Well done on going to the wedding, that’s incredible. You are very strong. Will he be attending? If so, that’s tough and I hope you manage to get through the weekend with as little trauma as possible.

I look forward to you posting again when you’re back!

Morning,

im really struggling with fear and anxiety this morning, particularly in my tummy.

Can anyone suggest anything to help? I feel so weak and vulnerable

We broke up before for much the same reason, he couldn’t move forward and commit. However, the first time I was very unsure of what was happening and I didn’t understand much about relationships or emotions for that matter. I didn’t know myself at that stage that I wanted to be with him long term, I just wanted a little more commitment than he was giving me. It was only in the years since I felt more and more and realised I wanted the whole nine yards with him. Not in general, but just with him.

There was zero contact between us the last time for months, but as I worked on recovering I felt a gnawing loose thread that I couldn’t quell. I hadn’t really got the kind of closure I needed I suppose. So I contacted him and we just kind of hung out, no talk of break up, but enjoyed hanging out again and it went from there.

When we got back together, I was happy and I genuinely thought that was enough for me. I just wanted him as my partner, and that was good enough for me. Until it wasn’t, the more love I felt for him, an innate need for more kicked in again, so I practiced as much patience as I could and understanding as I could and I thought we were slowly but surely getting there. I learned a lot about psychology etc and felt I understood him and perhaps what his issue might be.

In the end, he tried but it was too much for him. He was afraid and could go no further. So he ended it claiming he is meant to be on his own. With no-one. We didn’t know what to expect when we got back together before and we thought it would be the last time we’d ever have to go through the pain of a split.

Now we are more aware, I know there is no way he would change his mind. He is not as open with emotion as me, so his rational brain will be thinking far more than my messy heart.

I don’t expect to ever hear from him again. Which is heart wrenching when you think of someone having a family with you one day. But that’s basically it. I don’t want to be without him, but I can’t be with him. It’s like a cruel life test.

How are you managing the evening? I just bought some chips. I’m not sorry!

Kkasxo,

You sound exactly like me! That’s the most thing people keep saying to me….that I want to be in the future already and I just need patience. Patience is always something I have struggled with and patience in the midst of hell, is an even bigger challenge.

I don’t know if we’ll ever feel better. People say we will, so they can’t all be lying, but at the same time, it’s not going to happen today or tomorrow. Today is exactly three weeks for me with zero contact and I’m still struggling as people on the forum can see, I regularly post when I’m in the depths. But at the moment, is it as bad as an hour after the breakup…probably not? I’m typing, I’m working, Im not crying, so I guess time does work to a certain extent. But my therapist says grief works in waves, so I appreciate the moment I’m at now where I feel less horrendous than I normally do, but I’m under no illusion that I feel better as it could hit me like a brick again tomorrow morning.

I just wish I could get a handle on the anxiety element of it, but my brother said last night the anxiety is connected to the heartbreak and when the heartbreak eases, so too will the anxiety.

I have organised my therapist for later and also have a class, so that will get me through this eve and tomorrow I will think about tomorrow.

Fall into bed after work if you want, you’re entitled to. Or maybe go to the gym and punch something. Whatever works for you.

Kkasxo,

I actually spoke to family last night about the same thing you have just mentioned. I explained that I’m drained and exhausted just ‘doing things’ for the sake of doing them. They acknowledged that yes, it is indeed draining and seems pointless but it does serve a purpose. By doing the mundane things every day that don’t give us joy but literally pass durations of time, it means that we can survive – albeit not happily – but we can survive and function. And that’s the difference between giving up and hoping for the future.

I completely agree with you, my life too has no meaning at the moment. My relationship gave it meaning. I organised my weeks around my relationship and now that is gone and I’m bereft. I don’t know how to just ‘be’ without him with me in a relationship. It’s shit (pardon the language!) and soul destroying, but what other options do we have. We can’t switch off our feelings of heartbreak.

It is NOT shameful to be struggling now, it only happened and not even fully until last night. A significant relationship that doesn’t work out can take its toll on a broken hearted person for at least a year…..a couple of weeks, where no formal ending of contact was made is nothing. You are exactly where is normal. You have experienced a devastating loss, it is grief and it has turned your world upside down. If you lost your partner to death people would be more understanding but in many ways psychologically it is no different.This person is gone from you, the life you thought you would have with them is gone. It’s very tragic for you and the least I would wish for you is for you to understand that – you have suffered a major loss, breathe…you deserve to be devastated and upset. It might not suit people who are not as sensitive or who keep a tighter rein on emotions, but that doesn’t mean their way is better. Emotion is latin and essentially means outward. Emotions are meant to be expressed outwards and that’s all we can do right now.

Keep doing the mundane things, they are so empty…yes I hear ya. But they have to continue to be done. Someone who breaks their leg might not feel like going to the rehab centre every day and putting themselves through their paces to get the leg back to full strength by boring, hard and tedious exercises but they still have to do it if they want their leg to mend. We too have to function on an every day basis, for the most part, until our hearts mend. But it won’t be fixed tomorrow. So just get through today. x

Kkasxo,

This is NOT the end of the world, though it may feel that way right now. It’s pain. Pure pain from loss. It was not shameful in any way to contact him yesterday, you are human and loving with a heart that feels. You do the best you can on a day to day basis and you are doing your best. Nobody should ever underestimate the willpower and effort it takes to merely exist when we feel like this.

After my incident at work on Tuesday….ALL i wanted to do was contact my ex, who always supported me in that sense (albeit not in many other probably more important ways). It’s natural and remember, it’s withdrawal and addiction, your own heart and irrational brain are pretty strong forces and you did your best.

WELL DONE on going to work…do you realise how many other people might not have managed to do that at all? You’ve more grit and strength that you give yourself credit for. Yes you feel like death, hey….you might even look like death….and you might have a very unproductive day, but you made it. You made it, it didn’t beat you this morning.

It’s heartbreaking and my heart genuinely goes out to you. I can’t really comment on what is right or wrong because I feel only two people really know what goes on in a relationship, no matter how many friends and family are informed. However, I would be lost without my therapist. An it’s expensive, I get anxiety even wondering how to work out how I’ll pay for my sessions, but my family have been really good and my counsellor also is providing me with the odd free session too as he understands when people are in emotional crisis, they just need care.

Are there any other counselling services you could look into as I feel it’s now that you need the intensive help, the first three months after a trauma are probably the most difficult. Have you looked into other options for a counsellor or service, there has to be someone you could see that wouldn’t keep you waiting 3 months. It’s time for you to look after yourself now and that seems to mean, moving away from the distress of the breakup.

Post as often as you like.

S x

Kkasxo,

Thanks so much for your reassuring advice. It really has helped this morning.

It would be interesting for us to post here in a year’s time and see how we feel at that stage!

Maybe there are people who posted on this forum previously who have come out the other end, or not, as the case may be. Maybe they could shed some light.

Good luck with your day today.

S x