Hi all,

I’m glad to hear you are all doing well and making it through each day with new insights and hope.

Genie – that sounds like a wonderful interaction with Jay and can’t argue one single thing he said, all sounded reasonable, all sounded genuine. Well done on dealing with it well and setting your intention to make it work. He sounds like a truly wonderful human and I’m so glad you have met someone like that. You keep asking yourself how do you deserve him, why did he chose you, but that’s just your inner critic- you ABSOLUTELY deserve him. You’re a good person and deserve to be happy, so good luck with it. Bit by bit and day by day and it will be good.

I’m not going to stay online too long, so forgive me if i don’t get to reply to all individual posts. There is a reason. Anxiety is at a pretty strong high, my anxiety and the collective anxiety. In my country (not the uk), the virus is spreading like wildfire and we don’t have the resources to help everyone who is forecast to need help. Measures are being taken but this is serious, lots of people are going to die. That ironically is not my anxiety speaking, that’s just a fact. Anyway, I am being as socially responsible as I can, people are taking it seriously here. But my worry is for my Dad and my brother – both of whom have very serious underlying conditions. If they get this virus, the worst is conceivable. As a result, I understand the nature of this pandemic, I know the measures we must all take, so I’m tuning out too much of the Covid-19 online rabbit-hole, because it was making me ten times worse – even my sister called me as she had had a panic attack.

Most of it I can’t control, we can’t control other people, we can’t control health services, we can’t control the government. But I can control washing my hands and going out and about so I’m doing my part, because frankly, my family is just not able for another funeral, another period of grief, not that anyone ever is. So, long story short, I’m trying to be responsible and not contribute to the spread of the virus so that others don’t contract it and need hospitalisation- or are unable to receive care because decisions will have to be made about who has a better chance of living or dying. Since I’ve started to tune out the constant commentary, my anxiety levels have regulated somewhat. I’m reading, practising using my coping tools etc and I feel I’m doing the best I can and ma encouraging others around me to adopt some similar techniques to reduce their anxiety.

As I only currently work two days a week, I’m off at the moment as part of an 8-day break – just the way the rota worked out this fortnight, which suits me fine! I do feel however that within the next week, the government may order a close of non-essential department stores etc, so I may not be going back for a while, we’ll see. As an empath or empathetic person, I feel the collective anxiety so strongly and it’s making me so sad and hurt to imagine people so distressed, especially older people, so for my own good, I’ve had to tune out a little.

I imagine where I might go this time next year, what trips and travel I may have to look forward to! As for the job in the other city, last week the manager said she would try and organise an interview for this week, but obviously with fast changing circumstances, that may have changed. Either way, I’m not comfortable travelling to it, so I’ll be postponing or declining. I started my other job last week and actually really like it so perhaps it’s for the best!

Oh wait….I nearly forgot….I got a text from my ex yesterday. It was just a jokey banter type text but also mentioning to take care of myself and family at the moment. It went completely over my head, in the sense that if I received communication from him in the past, it would be SUCH a big deal and involve a lot of over analysis but right now, with so much else on my mind, I don’t think it really registered. I warned him to ensure his parents are taking necessary precautions and as he has access to some medical supplies, he told me not to be stuck for anything. I thanked him and left it at that. It’s a weird old time. I know every country has a different approach and that’s the nature of different cultures, different elected representatives, but I’m taking this seriously because for me and mine, there is legitimate risk.

So be safe, wash your hands thoroughly regularly and avoid social situations if they’re not necessary and I hope in 6-10 months time we are all still typing away on here about our love lives, self awareness journeys and travel. Take care all, I’ll check in when I can and if I have anything else going on my life (not much at the mo!).

@kkasxo, I’m conscious of your family planning to move soon, will that still go ahead? Are you coping okay with anxiety and PTSD?

Hi Genie,

Thanks for that. I would say that yes….it’s completely done for my ex and while it hurts….again…..I think I’m probably better off knowing in the long run, because like I said, nature abhors a vacuum and I was making up every sort of scenario in my head when there was no contact, whereas the cordial communication this past week or two has normalised the situation….and yes hurt me for hoping when there clearly is no hope, but maybe I needed to hurt in this way. I didn’t seem to be doing a great job of moving on by myself despite my various attempts.

I appreciate you saying you think I’m in a better place. I wish I felt it. In some ways I think I’m as far back as a month after the breakup with no new insight in quite some time and literally no idea what direction to head in my life now. Ironically, the makeup job would challenge me far more as it’s completely out of my comfort zone and I’m starting from scratch so would have to persevere and develop and grow to get to where I want to be, which is be my own boss, I guess. The other job – would look better on paper I guess and would feed my ego if I got it because it would look to be a step up from where I previously worked, but it’s an area I’m confident in and where I feel that bit safer. Maybe I’ll feel better about it all if I sleep (or try to sleep) on it.

I’m glad you got a positive response from Jay about meeting up when he’s back. There really is nothing to beat a good old fashioned conversation and heart to heart at times to make things clearer and reduce anxiety. Let us know how it goes and remember, you’re an incredible person to who has a lot of value. You’re not damaged, you have been through some tough experiences, so you’re just someone who has been through some tough experiences, but come out the other side. So keep the faith and I hope all will be well.

@michelle

Tell me about Vietnam….I ruled it out of my travel plan last year because of time and money constraints but is it all that you expected? Is it crazy and busy and vast and unique??? Haha, I’m like a kid at Christmas these days when I think/talk about travel!

I only got to see KL while in Malaysia but I really liked the Malaysian people and I felt they really took me under their wing as a solo female traveller. Are you worried at all about corona virus? TBH a case has been confirmed about 2hours from where I am and i’m more than anxious. A member of my family has a compromised immune system and last week my Dad was diagnosed with  chronic blood disease so I’m kind of living in fear at the moment because it’s becoming so prevalent so fast, but no real method of containment or antidote.

How long more will you travel for? The weather where I am remains terrible, storm after storm and my wanderlust is reaching peak levels again! Im starting training for my new makeup job tomorrow in the city for four days, so I’m actually a little excited about starting something new, albeit anxious too that A) I might not be great at it or B)I might hate it!

@kkasxo…

My darling, I’ve missed you and think of you often as similarly I figured you were withdrawing somewhat due to a tough time and probably work stress and demands. I feel that therapy for a few weeks (if it’s feasible) to help with coping strategies etc ahead of your family’s departure might be useful. Also, it’s a comfort that you will go to live with your sister, which will mean you get to keep your link to family which is a support you need and I’m sure she very much appreciates having you too.

I know that feeling….when you can’t actually be bothered drawing the energy to think about things, let alone, work on self development, growth and change! My life is in a funny phase right now. My new guy friend has mentioned to me multiple times that he feels I’m really in a very transient phase now and my life seems very complicated. He might be right. Some days I trod along, not too bad, not thinking too much about stuff. Other days I’m a truck load of slow moving thick sludge that it feels like a year to lift one leg out of daily.

PTSD must be incredibly difficult to live with. But I think your life is more than that. It just is. You’re a rather unique person. I don’t come across many people such as yourself, you have something about you. Something more, I guess. You do what you need to survive right now, but at some point, consider the fact…..that you deserve more out of this life. More in a job, more in a relationship, more for your own wellbeing. Please don’t hesitate to reach out when you feel low, I’ve often found that one or two sentences from the wonderful women and men on this thread at key times has really given me perspective and helped get me out of whatever spiral I seem to have gotten myself in to.

Would you consider looking for more fulfilling work? At least you have a job now so you don’t have the added panic of being unemployed this time? xx

Genie,

I’m sorry to hear your anxiety is in full flight, there is nothing worse than feeling like you physically might throw up with upset and anxiety. It really gets a grip on us.

Reading your last post seems to read like your self criticism is at an all time high. I’m so glad your new romantic interest has been patient this far, it shows that he has a lot of respect for you and really appreciates you and wants to make it work. However, it might be a case of you needing to do more work by yourself first. As Michelle would often mention on here, when you find the next relationship that is healthy for you, and you have really done the work on yourself, it won’t cause anxiety or upset or uncertainty. We will know we are fine with or without that person and that means that we’re whole by ourselves. They add to our happiness is all.

I completely empathise with how you feel right now. Perhaps some space and time might be a good idea now…..I know I know…..the anxiety will be tough in the meantime. But maybe he just needs space. He has been there for you up to now but no-one knows how much they are willing to give until they’re tested and maybe he could help and support to a point, and there is nothing wrong with that either. We are all unique and have different capacity for growth or support or patience.

I don’t think you have done anything wrong. Really, please don’t beat yourself up. I promise it serves ABSOLUTELY no purpose, it will succeed in only making you feel worse. You don’t want to feel worse. You want to start feeling better. So deep breaths. Anxiety will want you to act on a knee jerk fashion, but step back, deep breaths, calm your heart and mind as much as you can, and you might get some clarity.

Appreciate your guy’s feelings too, he has struggled and he needs to figure out his stuff. You can’t figure out his stuff aswell as your stuff. We each have to work on ourselves. Obviously he will need to communicate with you and get your input if it surrounds your current relationship, but anxiety may make you try to cling and I understand completely that you don’t want to lose anything, but take a breath. If it’s as strong as you have believed it to be, you will be able to have a calm conversation again soon with him.

Im trying not to think of it lately as my ex still having a hold on me, or my ex stopping me from moving on. I’m not trying to make it specific to a person, I’ve been trying to say it was my own stuff coming up, as a result of that relationship, my own stuff I have to deal with regarding attachment, that became apparent in and after that relationship, that is now stalling me somewhat. So maybe continue on trying to work on that and hopefully bit by bit, growth will come and you will feel better. X

Hey @kkasxo,

Im so sorry you’re feeling this way. But remember the work we must always do (though exhausting)……this too shall pass. No feeling is permanent, everything is transient. Someone messaged me yesterday after hearing the tragic news about the tv personality who had died – she said to me ‘she musnt have understood that no matter how horrific things are…..that feeling would one day pass. Remember how you felt you couldn’t go on Shelby & each hour was a struggle but you made it through”. We have to believe we are more than how we feel now. We have to see our lives as becoming more….else what’s the point?

Honestly, I feel you are my spirit animal right now! I’ve just come out of the work project I took on for the past six weeks & the mental drain was unreal. It was sooooo demanding, so I feel you!

The flashbacks must be frightening & create such uncertainty. Could you consider the possibility of seeing an expert in that field to try and help you process or manage it? I just don’t feel you should be left to fend by yourself like that.

I’m the same as you also in terms of direction. I don’t know where I’m going or what I’m doing. I’ve thought about various options but none seem to really attract my interest, passion or desire. I often hope for an epiphany and it doesn’t come so then I try to create circumstances to bring a light bulb moment, but nothing.

Who are we, you and I, at our core? Are we any much further down the road than when we ‘met’ 18 months ago? In some ways…..so much…..in other ways, exactly the same. Thats just my musing though, I could be wrong but it’s how I feel.

I started this thread broken and sad and missing my ex. Today, I am broken and sad and missing my ex. I know it can be much more than that. I am still going to therapy, trying to do the work, trying to figure it out, but so far, not much has changed. But I know I’m tired. I’m choosing things – new jobs, new locations, new friends, even a new romance & still. Here I am. I’m tired & I’m tired of being tired.

On the job front, I start a part time job at a makeup counter in the next few weeks. While I’ve established I’m not passionate about sales, to say the least, it’s a good opportunity to work with a brand I admire & they give great experience & training. So I’ll give it a shot! Other bits and pieces of work opportunities are coming my way too, but again, I’m not sure if I’m that keen. I just don’t know.

I don’t know what will make me happy. Well done to the folk who have it figured out but it’s hard for me. I’m guessing you too @kkasxo? Are you still getting along with Mr.A?

Genie,

Two things stuck out from your last posts:

1) If I believe my ex is the one, why am I not making an effort to make it happen? That’s interesting. I’m not. So I’m in this space where I can’t go back and can’t seem to go forward either. Ugh. I’m not ready I guess.

2) The thoughts that he may see I love you to the ‘one’ when he meets her seems so far fetched to me as I felt he would never be able to say it as he’s so…I don’t know….avoidant. I guess I didn’t, in many ways, think it was because it was me. I felt that he couldnt ever say it cos he has work to do himself. But what if he does….then the anger will come I guess.

Be well and take care. x

Hi @kkasxo, How are you doing? I remembered it must be approaching your date again and wondered how you are coping. The PTSD must be incredibly difficult and whilst I do understand that there are time when you feel like you’ll never get out of it, you do have weeks or months, of not feeling horrendous. So perhaps, it’s something you can learn to just adjust to each time it happens and have your coping skills ready. You are more than PTSD, so much more. So don’t let it convince you otherwise. You’re in charge of your brain and apparently we can rewire it so let’s try to keep on rewiring.

I too wondered how you are doing with Mr.A. You haven’t mentioned him in a while so I presume all is well or is the lack of feeling like you have no direction, partly to do with your relationship with him? I know the feeling of floating….it’s an old buddy of mine! I thought I had found a direction with my ex and that didn’t pan out so again I don’t know where i’m going or where I’m meant to be at. Apparently in life, we’re right where we’re supposed to be so all the research would tell me, but where on earth is that?!

I’m working at the moment and it’s 14 hour days and a huge amount of stress, all of which was not anticipated but the individual I’m working for has turned out to be far more demanding and unreasonable that I imagined. Nonetheless, I’m trying to make it through and maintain boundaries where I can, but it’s causing me a lot of stress. However, it’s over in two weeks, so I guess I’m counting down the days and I know I can survive that long. I met a friend about prospective work yesterday and he asked me ideally what would I like to be doing…i’ve been applying to jobs so much to try and get a job to have an income coming in, I never sat to figure out what my dream would be. I have ZERO idea. I went red when he asked me as I was stumped. I don’t know what I want to do. He reminded me of my many skills and expertise and said there are so many fields I could get into, but I just don’t know what I want to be doing. I thought I’d like makeup but I seem to lack the confidence to get that off the ground in earnest.

I’m thinking of you as the date approaches but don’t give it more weight that you need to. The day before it will be 729 days, the day after – 731 days. You have survived all those days and the date doesn’t make it any more difficult, you’re strong on day 729, you’ll be strong on day 730. As always, we are here if you need to reach out at any point.

Adelaide, this forum is open and inclusive for everyone, I don’t feel I have sole rights to my thread. It has resonated with many people and sharing our stories definitely makes us feel less alone. You’re doing good, a lot better than I was, so be good to yourself.

Genie, Thanks for the kind words, I’m glad you seem to be doing better. I appreciate the advice and the link to the other website, I’ll have to take a look.

Michelle….you’re in Krabi!!!! I’m jealous! I keep telling myself once I get paid from this job, I’m booking a flight somewhere, despite all my bills and still paying off my travel loan! What am I like? But in some ways it keeps me going, even if it doesn’t transpire! I know what you’re saying about my ex, on a rational level I always know what you’re saying. All of the advice on this thread seems logical and practical but sometimes it doesn’t move my feelings. I tried last year to move forward to leave that person behind by various different tactics and I continue to do it, but my heart is not in it to meet someone else. I also tried that last year and I just didn’t feel for that person what I know I can feel, the comparisons continued. I don’t mind putting myself out there and trying to meet someone new, I just feel like its a waste of time though if each time I still end up feeling that it’s not as good a connection as before. I’d rather try and manage being happy on my own. Maybe the anger will come, maybe it won’t. I’m guessing that will come perhaps if a he ends up with someone new, if I’d even find out, but I’m at the point now where I’m tired…obviously I’m run down from trying to keep several freelance gigs going but just tried of not having much direction either. Pick one….I hear you say….yup but my mind and heart are completely silent, don’t know why they won’t give me a bit of guidance on that front!

Also – is it cheap in Thailand, are you going to do some island hopping or move about? Can’t wait to hear more….

Adelaide,

Well done on so much self awareness and at least trying to grow and process. It’s hard, I know. Be careful about the pull. So….I am pretty confident that if I met my ex for coffee tomorrow, the unbelievable pull would still be there……it always has been, Even for him most of the time, but nevertheless, it doesn’t mean we are meant to be together. We have/had a connection…the pull makes sense. But the pull can’t make him feel what he doesn’t either and despite how great a connection I felt we had, he still doesn’t want to be in a relationship with me…..so if we were to meet up, the pull would end up hurting me again.

Let me frame it from your ex’s point of view. The new guy, who is a beautiful soul, who i tried a romantic relationship with but chose not to go further with is now one of my closest friends. I explained the perils of such a relationship and being the understanding and persuasive person he is, he convinced me friendship could work. It sounded like a great deal to me as the characteristics that I always liked about him (no-romantic) were still there and I do have a connection to him and enjoy his company immensely but not in a romantic way. It’s been great and I felt, isn’t this so mature…..I don’t get to lose him out of my life and we are good for each other. Today I met him for coffee and afterwards he messaged to say how beautiful I looked today. Sweet. But a problem. I loved receiving such a compliment but then the anchor dropped and I felt uncomfortable. He’s not completely over me I would say and happy to just be a platonic relationship. So things may get awkward if we continue this way and he may get hurt……yet again. I didn’t want this to happen, but I’m a adult, I take responsibility for the decision I made by being friends with him.

You will always feel like you have a connection to your ex whilst she’s still in your life and it’s unrequited. I definitely don’t want to see you get hurt down the line again. Distance is the only thing to create a little bit of perspective…but BELIEVE ME….i understand how difficult that is. I get it. But remember, she didn’t choose to be with you and whilst it might be a nice comfort blanket for both of you to avoid the pain of separation…..it could end up being the pain of future hurt again otherwise.

Keep going though on your focus on self awareness and counselling and really working on growing. You’re probable miles ahead of where I was at your stage. Try looking into the attachment styles and why they might apply, for example anxious attachment.

We’re all in similar boats on this forum and I’ve found the online support very enlightening. Best of luck x