Keep out of this Anita. I don’t need your sneering tone.

Things are bad again and I don’t want to be here. The Kundalini moved again early this morning and caused extreme pain to my stomach. (The pain was so intense that I could not sit up and had to lie flat). It felt like something was pushing up my spine, whilst at the same time an ‘energy’ was forcing the contents of my stomach towards my bowels and anus, resulting in terrible constipation and wind.

People say this Kundalini is ‘divine’. I don’t see it that way. I see it as a curse that seriously threatens my life. I keep wanting to return to the past, in the days when I was a child who just enjoyed life, the days before my mind was tortured and polluted by religion and God.

I am now living in a nightmare, wondering what this thing is going to do next and totally powerless to stop it.

Best wishes,
Tannhauser

It’s very bad for me at the moment. I am also coping with long-standing chronic illness and I really don’t want to be here anymore. Life is too hard for me now. I hate the arrival of each new day and am only at peace when I am asleep. It’s fair to say that the possibility of me making an attempt on taking my own life is stronger than ever.

Once again, you bring God into it. There is no God.

Best wishes,
Tannhauser

• This reply was modified 8 years, 2 months ago by Tannhauser.

I am sorry for my offensive language. I realise I am just going to have to accept what is happening to me. It’s useless fighting against it, it just upsets me and makes me very anxious. I’ll just have to trust that this higher force knows what it is doing.

Best wishes and apologies,
Tannhauser

• This reply was modified 8 years, 2 months ago by Tannhauser.

I expected as much from you Anita. You have recourse to the only action open to a materialist, and that is to label me insane. You think that it will all be sorted out by taking yet more drugs, or by shoving me on a psych ward. But this is not mental illness, I only wish it was. You say our beliefs are different. But you don’t have any beliefs, and on reflection neither do I anymore. I don’t believe in the Christian fairy tale shit of a benevolent loving, personal god anymore. Such a God cannot possibly exist. Such a God is dead to me. However, there are ‘extra-terrestrial’ life forms who created us, and they don’t give a flying f*ck about us. We are just cattle to them. They meddle and interfere with humans all the time, but it’s always for THEIR benefit, not ours. You had better understand that.

I wasn’t always like this. Prior to 2013 I was a ‘normal’ average person with normal, average interests. I didn’t do yoga or any of that shit, and I wasn’t interested in spirituality beyond Sunday morning. But I went through terrible illness and trauma which have had a devastating effect on me, and that’s when this Kundalini shit began.

I have seen far too many f*cking health professionals in my miserable life, and I am not going to start all over again with my head. I suppose its over for me, because I can’t live with it anymore. I doubt I will ever find peace again in this world.

In closing, I have to say that this forum is a steaming pile of horseshit. You are all just playing at pretending to be enlightened. An ‘enlightened’ person would not rush to judgement and brand me a lunatic. An enlightened person might realise that something else could be going on. You are not enlightened. You branded me insane. F*ck you.

Tannhauser.

Thanks for your replies.

I can’t say this process has been ‘beautiful’ because it hasn’t. My stomach still does not feel right. But the scary thing is not the pain, it’s the changes in consciousness. These changes are frightening to me, so I try to bury them as much as possible. I try to think of them as little as possible. I am hanging on to my world because it’s all I have got, and I fear that if I let go I will have a psychotic break and end up in hospital.

Much of what you say doesn’t seem to apply to me, and it annoys me slightly that you suggest going out buying things. I tell you, once the retail market gets wind of the reality of ‘Ascension’ some people are going to make an absolute killing out of a lot of fragile and deeply troubled souls; a rather unfortunate downside of ‘Ascension’ which our supposedly loving ‘Higher Selves’ seem quite unconcerned about. However, I have experienced some startling synchronicities and creative bursts, so perhaps there is some truth in what you say.

But, it’s time for a rant.

It’s fair to say that my Catholic faith has completely failed me on EVERY level in all this. It has been as useful as a chocolate fireguard, and it’s doctrines and dogmas have more in common with the rote learning of school times tables than any real spirituality. The spiritual process hasn’t alluded to one single saint or recognizable Christian figure. Instead, it has constantly alluded to the gods of ancient Rome and Norse mythology. Instead I have felt very strongly the pull of Paganism. There is a magic out there in the woods and in the seasons that I just don’t feel in church. This is why I chose the name ‘Tannhauser’; I am caught between two stools, but Paganism is slowly winning out. But not this horrible type of neo-Paganism which involves heavy drinking, loud music and treating Stonehenge like a toilet. No, I mean the simple ancient beliefs of our ancestors, who, despite what the Catholic Church would have us believe, actually lived by a strong moral code. I see an attraction in revering the sun. I can see it and feel its effects. Without it everything would perish.

After over twenty years as essentially a keyboard musician playing piano and organ, this summer I went out and bought a gothic harp and am learning to play it. When things like that happen out of the blue, I wonder if its this ‘process’ at work.

Best wishes,
Tannhauser