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TannhauserBlockedI would like to communicate with you.
13 years fills me with horror. My experience has only been going on for six years.
Best wishes,
Tannhauser
TannhauserBlocked‘She’ is destroying me. ‘She’ is causing the most terrible feelings. ‘She’ is utterly demonic. Today I feel very violent and could easily stab someone. Earlier, I felt lost and burst into tears like a baby. I don’t know who I really am anymore and it is very frightening. I am trying to grab on to anything to avoid a full blown breakdown. It feels like this isn’t my reality anymore. It isn’t my world. I can’t believe this is happening to me after everything I have gone through. And you know what? No one gives a fuck, and they will only finally give a fuck after I’ve dropped myself off a local railway viaduct.
This is my last word on this subject. There is no support out there for this. But I cannot stress to people how totally evil and sick Kundalini really is. It is EVIL!!!!!! I have ‘something’ which comes in through my head and blows my stomach up so much it becomes uncomfortable, and there is also another force which is trying to push itself into my head. It is all just too much.
Goodbye,
Tannhauser.
TannhauserBlockedSpirituality is an absolute load of shit. It is frustrating, depressing, maddening and time-wasting. Unless you can live in an enclosed order of whatever religion you choose, it is all pointless. It doesn’t work in the outside world. You might ‘awaken’, only to find that you are isolated. You can put effort into ‘raising your vibration’, only to have it knocked down again by others. Listen, the truth is, you can propitiate and pray to the Gods all you want, but they want fuck all to do with you. They won’t take you out of this shithole world. You have to be hostage to the whims of others, or be around people you really can’t stand, and whom you have nothing in common with. And you think “fuck it, I may as well be like them rather than be alone”.I
Fuck spirituality.
January 24, 2019 at 4:15 am in reply to: What is the point in staying alive, when you're suffering so much? #276553TannhauserBlockedRoary,
I would urge you to ignore much of the comments that have been made here. They come from people who are still stuck in the illusion that this life is wonderful, and that if they do certain things in a certain way (playing the game) then everything will turn out fine. For a start, freedom is a complete illusion. Life isn’t free at all, it only appears to be free on the surface. One can probably only understand this statement fully when one becomes homeless. Then, you can’t even have a wash in a public toilet without running the risk of getting thrown out or even arrested. You can’t bed down in a doorway for fear of being moved on, and if you decide to camp out in open country you must also accept that large tracts of land are privately owned and you would be trespassing on them which carries its own penalties.
What has happened to you, Roary, is that you have woken up to the reality of this world. Don’t expect help or sympathy from people who are still asleep.
Best wishes,
Tannhauser
TannhauserBlockedI have ended my spiritual searching.
In the past few days I have seen signs pointing to the Indian spiritual master Shirdi Sai Baba, and it has caused confusion in my mind, for he claimed to be the Way the Truth and the Life. He was saying and doing things that Jesus did, and in the end I judged him to either be an imposter or an incarnation of Christ. I am done with religion and spirituality, as there is no way I can reconcile these two characters or their respective followers. Christianity thinks Hinduism is evil, and vice versa. One says we are inherently sinful, the other says we are Divine. One believes in resurrection, the other in reincarnation. It is just an unbridgeable chasm, and I won’t bother even trying to bridge it. I am done with spirituality, and ABOVE ALL, I am done with man-made, divisive religion. All my religious paraphernalia has been dumped in a suitcase under the bed.
Instead, this evening I shall do what normal people do and get absolutely hammered.
Best wishes,
Tannhauser
TannhauserBlockedTo those of you who tried to help me, I am very grateful.
I am very sad today. I am almost in tears as I type this. The Kundalini is now setting about destroying everything that I identified with. Everyone in my family is now ill: my sister, my brother and my mum and dad. The Kundalini is now trying to break through into my brain even whilst I am awake, and I am aware of the horrors that await me when it does: derealization, depersonalisation, anxiety, depression. I understand that when it does break through, everything will appear unreal and dream-like, and the thought of this utterly terrifies me.
There are several conclusions I have drawn. The first one being that the loving ‘Father God’ archetype is complete nonsense. It is sheer man-made bullshittery. No one cares about us ‘out there’. I have been fighting VERY hard to stop my life going over a cliff. I have ended up on anti-depressants twice but have managed to keep going and rise above it. But this evil Kundalini thing wants to wreck EVERYTHING and push me back into depression and anxiety. I keep hoping for help from God, but it never comes. It never will come, because God doesn’t exist. I have discovered this the hard way, by realising that I could only ever hope to rely on myself and my own willpower. I am really afraid now, really very scared.
The second conclusion I reached is that there is no support for all this, and far too much nonsense talked about it by ‘gurus’. These people can’t seem to accept that Kundalini is pure evil. Well I have experienced it for five years, and I can tell you, it is pure, concentrated f*cking evil. I never had depression before this f*cker hit me, even when I was on dialysis for six years. I never had concentration problems, or anxiety. I never cut myself. I never lost interest in the things I love, and neither was I confused about my beliefs. But this f*cker changed everything, and now there is nothing left to do except seek the ultimate release from it. I accept that it has beaten me, but I will NOT give it the triumph of putting me in a mental hospital. It is HORRIBLE. It has caused me the worst mental pain I have experienced in my entire life. I keep waiting for things to get better, but they never do. If anything, they get worse. To all those bearded, smiling, saffron-wearing, be-turbaned gurus out there making a living from this: **** you. You should be helping people, yet your new age flowery language is unfathomable to most ordinary folk.
The third and final conclusion I have reached is that this evil Kundalini is going to cause national suicide rates to rocket, if it is not already doing so.
Today I have realised the writing is on the wall. I just can’t see a happy future for myself. Times are hard. This Kundalini shit aside, I am about to be shoved on to Universal Credit with the rest of the sick and disabled, which basically means 5 to 12 weeks without any money.
I’ve reached the limits of my endurance.
Tannhauser
TannhauserBlockedJess, I couldn’t find other ways to solve my problems. I was right out of options and my mind needed a rest. I don’t have a problem with taking anti-depressants.
Niv, I think LOA is a load of horsesh*t, and I don’t believe prayer achieves very much. They are basically two sides of the same coin. Having depression has really made me see just how much of religion/spirituality is wishful thinking and self-delusion. I used to have an icon of Our Lady of Perpetual Help on my wall. But after this recent bout of serious mental anxiety, I took it down. It seemed ridiculous to have such a thing on the wall when, in the end, I had to help myself anyway. I may as well have put a picture of myself on the wall and prayed to that. Or pray to Joe Pesci. For as we know, Joe doesn’t f*ck around. Joe is a guy that gets things done!
Best wishes,
Tannhauser
TannhauserBlockedWade, I am sorry I didn’t reply to your August 19th post. For some reason it didn’t register in my e-mail account. I cannot contact you through e-mail as it appears you do not have an address on your profile page.
I am still going through Kundalini, and the energies have got more intense of late. I have noticed that I am beginning to have an effect on others too. If you wish to, you can contact me at the following address:
I shall try to help you in any way I can.
Best wishes,
Tannhauser
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This reply was modified 5 years, 7 months ago by
Tannhauser.
TannhauserBlockedThis f*cking world stinks. I am sorry that such a horrible thing happened to you.
Nirvair, you keep mentioning God. I personally no longer believe God exists. I think it is just a concept we invented to make us feel better. My own situation has become so unbearable that I have started to make plans to end my life. Not even the love I have for my family will mitigate this desire to end my suffering any longer. I am ready to take the steps necessary.
This world is finished, and if people can’t see that, they are unconscious, trapped inside a half-life of materialism and social media.
Best wishes to you.
TannhauserBlockedHello Lord Hilarion,
I do believe in mental illness and I do believe in prescription drugs. I wouldn’t be corresponding with you now without the latter. I would be dead. I take an awful lot of prescription medication for my various ailments. And I take anti-rejection drugs. So for me, prescription drugs are absolutely vital. Oddly, codeine isn’t a drug I can get on prescription because my doctor won’t give it to me. So I cadge it from my neighbours instead. I will never give it up, because at times my life is so painful that codeine is the only thing that helps. I have osteoporosis, and codeine is the only thing that can touch it at times. It is also good for the mental anxiety I regularly suffer from. It is a great comfort at those times. Feeling the warmth of it spreading through the body and easing tension is something I will never tire from. It makes my feel happy and content. That’s all I want from life. I have it under control at the moment, so it isn’t an issue. I am not popping 20 pills a day. It is more like 2, maybe 4. I don’t think that is a problem. I posit that for codeine to work effectively its use must be restricted or you lose the ‘hit’, as it were. It’s about finding a balance, like everything in life.
You’ve been told you are Lord Hilarion. If that’s what you believe I have no problem with it. We can be who we want. We can believe what we want. At one time I believed I was Apollo, because at one point this year the Greek goddess Artemis was constantly sending signs to me. There was too much coincidence, and to be honest, I still don’t fully understand it all. About a year or two ago, I suddenly out of the blue and for no real reason started playing the harp. I picked it up very quickly. Like Apollo, I also only have one functioning eye. These things made me sincerely believe I was Apollo reincarnated. But now, in the cold light of day and with sober reasoning, I can see how utterly absurd such thoughts were, because they can easily be explained away as mental illness. I also had a strange dream a few years ago in which I was encouraged to read the Torah and leave all other books on their shelves. Was this also mental derangement? Or was it the Almighty? I have learned to adopt a sense of detachment to it all for the sake of my sanity.
Best wishes,
Tannhauser
TannhauserBlockedSpirituality is a strange beast because the majority of experiences involve the brain. I personally have made a conscious decision to give up on the ‘spiritual path’ because it was driving me insane. You become very obsessive. At times I could swear blind I was Neptune or Apollo or that Odin or Artemis were contacting me, and yet at other times I found these ideas ridiculous. At times I thought I heard phantom rappings on my window at night, but when I stopped obsessing about these things they went away. Then there were the weird experiences of seeing my thoughts somehow bleed out onto Pinterest via strange coincidences. I have come to the conclusion that our task on this Earth is not to find a God that clearly doesn’t want to be found (and who hides out in the grey area between mental illness and spiritual experience), but rather just to live this life to the full and enjoy it. Those in the spiritual business would never say this, but that’s because they have to drum up trade to keep the business going and themselves in a job. For me, you’ve got to find contentment where you can, whether that’s helping others, doing creative stuff or taking prescription drugs (my drug of choice is codeine). For a lot of people, God/Spirituality engenders confusion and anger and self-loathing rather than contentment. That isn’t good for your health.
TannhauserBlockedThere’s a lot of shit talked about awakening, but nevertheless it isn’t a path you want to be going down if you want a normal, comfortable life. I’ve been going through it for five years and it doesn’t get any easier. At times I have the most intense anger and could easily murder someone. There doesn’t seem to be an endgame in which you suddenly ‘get it’. Gods and goddesses like to mess around with the minds of poor mortals, and they like to keep you hanging with subtle signs you know aren’t just coincidental, yet neither is there anything tangible to hold on to. So you start to wonder if this is all the product of a broken mind. That’s the conclusion I am coming to now. I am DONE with spirituality and I am DONE playing mind games. It’s sad really. After all this time, this awakening could still be nothing more than a complete mental breakdown.
Fuck spirituality Fuck ascension. Fuck kundalini. Seriously.
Best wishes,
Tannhauser
TannhauserBlockedHello Ramandeep,
Please ignore my foolish comments concerning Buddhism. I actually have great respect for Lord Buddha and the Buddhist philosophy. I was going through a bad time in my life when I made those rather provocative comments. I was an angry person. But now I see that there is truth in all religions and they have similar core beliefs. It is the human dogmas which are divisive.
Thank you for your helpful comments.
Best wishes,
Tannhauser
TannhauserBlockedContrary to what some people might think, the ego can’t die or be killed, it can only be diminished. It will always be there. Your task is to recognise it when it rears it’s ugly, destructive head. Unfortunately, the more you recognise and step out of ego, the more you will notice just how firmly the human world around you is stuck in it. This is why many ‘awakened people’, myself included, gravitate more towards nature, animals and solitary pursuits. Where I not on a heady cocktail of medication for my various ailments, I would probably disappear into the wilderness, for I had to cope alone anyway, even surrounded by family.
Best wishes,
Tannhauser
TannhauserBlockedVox,
I have had a bad experience where family is concerned. I had a full blown spontaneous and unbidden Kundalini awakening in which I could (and still can) feel invisible beings around me. I got scared and tried to tell my family about it but they called me a liar. I also went to my parish priest about it on three separate occasions but he too wouldn’t believe me, and as a result I now have a deeply ingrained Cassandra Complex. I now just try to ignore it, keep it secret and live as normal life as I can. No doubt you will probably think I have some sort of mental problem, in which case you’ll prove my point about closed minds, so thanks. Lots of things have happened: I have done spontaneous and unbidden kriyas and mudras at night, have had things enter my consciousness which referenced Pagan gods (Diana of Ephesus certainly put a lot of effort in to make herself known), I seem to get anxious on or around a full moon, and regularly have waves of energy flowing through me. But as to what it is all about, I haven’t a clue . So yeah, I have issues.
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This reply was modified 5 years, 7 months ago by
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 