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Tannhauser

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  • November 8, 2016 at 10:59 am in reply to: My Kundalini Horror #119936
    Tannhauser
    Blocked

    My belief system has completely collapsed.

    I am suffering dreadfully inside. I feel very empty. I want to get help but I don’t want to admit I am an incredibly weak person. I need to be strong for my mother because my father is ill and suffers with depression. On the other hand, I have a very strong desire to kill myself but worry it will go wrong and result in a prolonged death. I am in a terrible place, and the only way I can gain some relief is taking painkillers.

    This has all been caused by Kundalini/Spiritual Awakening. Don’t let ANYONE tell you that these are good things. They are NOT.

    Tannhauser

    October 30, 2016 at 9:14 am in reply to: Do you believe in God? #119189
    Tannhauser
    Blocked

    Thanks for your input,

    As I said earlier, I don’t believe God ever loved me. It seems to me that He/It actively punished me with chronic illnesses all through my life. He/It also cursed me with infertility, hypopituitarism and an inability to feel love. As stated in the Fisher King story, such a malaise is a fate worse than death. And now that all these illnesses crowd in upon me and grow ever stronger, as I begin to experience the bitter regrets of all the things I have missed out on in life, I realise that God only really existed in my mind. I realise that the God I had created in my mind is not going to help. It was all a lie they told us.

    “And I believed in father christmas
    And I looked at the sky with excited eyes
    ’till I woke with a yawn in the first light of dawn
    And I saw him and through his disguise”

    I have nothing but hate in my heart for this ‘God’ you speak of. It’s the worst type of promise, a false one.

    Tannhauser.

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 5 months ago by Tannhauser.
    • This reply was modified 7 years, 5 months ago by Tannhauser.
    October 29, 2016 at 1:45 pm in reply to: Do you believe in God? #119158
    Tannhauser
    Blocked

    I think us humans will only start to live happy contented lives when we ditch God. It’s thanks to God that people like me have been inducted into the doctrine of self-hate. We must hate our own bodies. My own particular brand of God insanity, Catholicism, teaches us to avoid pleasure at all costs whilst revelling and delighting in suffering.

    God causes mental illness and self-harm. God does not produce happy, well-adjusted humans, but instead creates self-hating introverts with painfully low social skills. I have NEVER felt that God loved me, I always saw Him/It as an abusive father ready to lash out with the belt. I always feared It/Him. I suspect the same is true with many Catholics, except perhaps those poor deluded individuals who think they are Jesus’s girlfriend.

    October 29, 2016 at 7:03 am in reply to: My Kundalini Horror #119133
    Tannhauser
    Blocked

    Keep out of this Anita. I don’t need your sneering tone.

    October 29, 2016 at 6:58 am in reply to: Do you believe in God? #119132
    Tannhauser
    Blocked

    I am a Catholic and you are quite correct, it is ALL about guilt and shame. It’s a self-harmer’s club. I pity the unfortunate teenagers going through puberty within this rotten Church. They are made to hate themselves and their bodies. It seems there’s actually a group of people whom this church hates more than gays, and that’s masturbators. This group of people are made to feel thoroughly dirty and evil.

    You say you are an atheist and you’re not happy. Well I ‘believe in God’ and I am not happy either. This God never speaks, and instead He/She/It or whatever the fuck it calls itself allows the Church to speak for Him/She/It through dogmas and doctrines. So God is obviously quite relaxed about impressionable young minds contemplating suicide through Catholic guilt and shame.

    But I know when I WAS happy. It was in my younger days when I just enjoyed life and took it at face value. The days BEFORE I believed in God, and BEFORE the Catholic Church got its claws into me. I wish I could invent a time machine, go back to when I was a kid, and fucking stay there.

    Best wishes,
    Tannhauser

    October 29, 2016 at 6:35 am in reply to: My Kundalini Horror #119129
    Tannhauser
    Blocked

    Things are bad again and I don’t want to be here. The Kundalini moved again early this morning and caused extreme pain to my stomach. (The pain was so intense that I could not sit up and had to lie flat). It felt like something was pushing up my spine, whilst at the same time an ‘energy’ was forcing the contents of my stomach towards my bowels and anus, resulting in terrible constipation and wind.

    People say this Kundalini is ‘divine’. I don’t see it that way. I see it as a curse that seriously threatens my life. I keep wanting to return to the past, in the days when I was a child who just enjoyed life, the days before my mind was tortured and polluted by religion and God.

    I am now living in a nightmare, wondering what this thing is going to do next and totally powerless to stop it.

    Best wishes,
    Tannhauser

    October 15, 2016 at 3:44 am in reply to: My Kundalini Horror #118236
    Tannhauser
    Blocked

    Great news!!

    Since the Kundalini/October Full Moon pushed through the blockage in my stomach/navel chakra two days ago I feel absolutely great. I have lots of energy and life seems magical and full of possibilities. This blockage must have been the cause of considerable weight gain due to the traumas I experienced over the years, because I am now able to fit into my old clothes again. Naturally, this is a considerable boost to my self-confidence and esteem.

    My comments on God were incorrect. He/She/It is EVERYWHERE. God is Pan, Odin, Zeus and Jesus. God is Freya, Isis, Kali and Mary. Agni, Mazda, Holy Ghost, Great Spirit, the list is endless. God dwells amongst the trees as well as in temples. God is very kind, but sees the bigger picture and we don’t.

    Best wishes and all happiness to you,
    Tannhauser

    October 12, 2016 at 3:13 am in reply to: My Kundalini Horror #117881
    Tannhauser
    Blocked

    It’s very bad for me at the moment. I am also coping with long-standing chronic illness and I really don’t want to be here anymore. Life is too hard for me now. I hate the arrival of each new day and am only at peace when I am asleep. It’s fair to say that the possibility of me making an attempt on taking my own life is stronger than ever.

    Once again, you bring God into it. There is no God.

    Best wishes,
    Tannhauser

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 6 months ago by Tannhauser.
    October 11, 2016 at 3:54 am in reply to: My Kundalini Horror #117760
    Tannhauser
    Blocked

    I am glad that my situation has provided some amusement for you, truly I am.

    In my opinion, there is no God. I used to believe it but now I don’t. I find it easier not to believe than be of the opinion that God is some sort of prankster meddling with human lives.

    I do not have a ‘mission’. I was born in 1970 and have no recollection of existing prior to that. If I have no memory of existing before 1970, then it stands to reason I will not retain any form of consciousness after death. On that score, I am with the atheists. I certainly don’t worry about non-believers, I am actually coming around to their way of thinking. And here’s the strangest thing. Before all this started I was a bog standard Catholic who dearly hoped there was an afterlife. But I don’t want it now. I just want to lose consciousness and go out like a blown light bulb. Because who is to say that the afterlife isn’t just another level of learning and suffering? Or who is to say we don’t just come back here to do it all over again? If you wish to believe in God then fine, believe. But you will surely have to accept that He or It is a God of pain, suffering and decay, for that is the natural order and predisposition of the planet He supposedly created. And I know we humans always get the blame for that, because of our ‘sins’. But the animal kingdom didn’t sin against God, and yet the suffering of animals is far worse than ours.

    Best wishes,
    Tannhauser

    October 10, 2016 at 10:14 am in reply to: My Kundalini Horror #117701
    Tannhauser
    Blocked

    I am sorry for my offensive language. I realise I am just going to have to accept what is happening to me. It’s useless fighting against it, it just upsets me and makes me very anxious. I’ll just have to trust that this higher force knows what it is doing.

    Best wishes and apologies,
    Tannhauser

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 6 months ago by Tannhauser.
    October 10, 2016 at 5:32 am in reply to: My Kundalini Horror #117690
    Tannhauser
    Blocked

    I am the archetypal Tannhauser. I am a mere minstrel caught between two worlds. The otherworld wishes to consume me, and I am trying to stop it. There is a spirit with me and it emanates love at a level I find overpowering.

    I awoke at 3 am this morning to find my body posed in a yogic posture. (I DON’T do YOGA!) I was on my back, my right leg bent at the knee with the sole of my right foot resting against my left leg. My right hand was raised above my head in some sort of kriya/mudra position, while my left hand rested on my stomach. The first word which came to my mind was ‘Shiva’. I thought of the Shiva dancing statue. Bear it in mind I am supposed to be a Roman Catholic. We aren’t supposed to entertain such things.

    I appreciate your help. Anita was of no help to me whatsover. She is supposed to be running a forum based upon enlightenment and spirituality, yet she plainly shows none of these things and is an outright materialist and atheist. I may as well go and talk to the average person on the street about my problems. She thinks it can all be cured by drugging me into a stupor.

    You say ‘please don’t say there is no God’. But how can I believe in a God that allows this to happen to me? That allows or ordains a process which cripples my faith and beliefs and stops me from praying? Surely God can’t exist or He/It has to be the biggest prankster in the Universe. Why would He/It break my faith and sow doubt and confusion? Why point to the gods of ancient Rome when the Roman church no longer worships them? Why show me all these gods and goddesses of Roman, Grecian and Norse mythology when He is a MONOTHEISTIC GOD?!!!!

    Thank you for your help, H8. I am very grateful for it.

    Best wishes,
    Tannhauser

    October 9, 2016 at 10:36 am in reply to: My Kundalini Horror #117616
    Tannhauser
    Blocked

    I expected as much from you Anita. You have recourse to the only action open to a materialist, and that is to label me insane. You think that it will all be sorted out by taking yet more drugs, or by shoving me on a psych ward. But this is not mental illness, I only wish it was. You say our beliefs are different. But you don’t have any beliefs, and on reflection neither do I anymore. I don’t believe in the Christian fairy tale shit of a benevolent loving, personal god anymore. Such a God cannot possibly exist. Such a God is dead to me. However, there are ‘extra-terrestrial’ life forms who created us, and they don’t give a flying f*ck about us. We are just cattle to them. They meddle and interfere with humans all the time, but it’s always for THEIR benefit, not ours. You had better understand that.

    I wasn’t always like this. Prior to 2013 I was a ‘normal’ average person with normal, average interests. I didn’t do yoga or any of that shit, and I wasn’t interested in spirituality beyond Sunday morning. But I went through terrible illness and trauma which have had a devastating effect on me, and that’s when this Kundalini shit began.

    I have seen far too many f*cking health professionals in my miserable life, and I am not going to start all over again with my head. I suppose its over for me, because I can’t live with it anymore. I doubt I will ever find peace again in this world.

    In closing, I have to say that this forum is a steaming pile of horseshit. You are all just playing at pretending to be enlightened. An ‘enlightened’ person would not rush to judgement and brand me a lunatic. An enlightened person might realise that something else could be going on. You are not enlightened. You branded me insane. F*ck you.

    Tannhauser.

    October 9, 2016 at 7:58 am in reply to: My Kundalini Horror #117591
    Tannhauser
    Blocked

    Muzzy-headed and lethargic. I have no energy. I don’t feel myself.

    This forum is a joke. Its playing at being spiritual or trying to understand such things. You’ll help people with the usual agony aunt shit of ‘I’ve broke up with my boyfriend’ ‘nobody loves me’ etc, but you don’t give a f*ck about people like me who are going through something very strange and unnatural that is not of this earth. ALONE.

    I am asking for HELP!!!! SOMEONE HELP ME!!!!! FOR F*CKS SAKE PLEASE HELP. I can’t get help from anywhere. I can’t get it from my family, or from my parish priest, or even from God. You people are supposed to be spiritually minded. Tell me why this is happening to me. I didn’t invite it, and I am getting SICK OF IT!!!!

    Some people in high places in this life know this is happening to some of us. You think your TV shows are just entertainment. And most of them are. But some aren’t. Some contain messages for us about the future. Take the sci-fi show Intruders which was televised a year or two ago for example. The opening credits showed a person’s mind being split open to reveal some sort of expanded consciousness and connections to past lives. This is what is happening to me NOW, and it’s f*cking frightening.

    I don’t normally like sci-fi but I watched the show. It was correct on two counts: 1. there is no God, and 2. we don’t die. The extra-terrestrial race that created us now wishes to change our DNA. Lucky for you if you’re not part of the experiment. I envy you. Those of us who are part of it will either have to adapt or jump off a tall building. There’s no escape.

    Tannhauser.

    September 30, 2016 at 6:06 am in reply to: My Kundalini Horror #116742
    Tannhauser
    Blocked

    Thanks for your replies.

    I can’t say this process has been ‘beautiful’ because it hasn’t. My stomach still does not feel right. But the scary thing is not the pain, it’s the changes in consciousness. These changes are frightening to me, so I try to bury them as much as possible. I try to think of them as little as possible. I am hanging on to my world because it’s all I have got, and I fear that if I let go I will have a psychotic break and end up in hospital.

    Much of what you say doesn’t seem to apply to me, and it annoys me slightly that you suggest going out buying things. I tell you, once the retail market gets wind of the reality of ‘Ascension’ some people are going to make an absolute killing out of a lot of fragile and deeply troubled souls; a rather unfortunate downside of ‘Ascension’ which our supposedly loving ‘Higher Selves’ seem quite unconcerned about. However, I have experienced some startling synchronicities and creative bursts, so perhaps there is some truth in what you say.

    But, it’s time for a rant.

    It’s fair to say that my Catholic faith has completely failed me on EVERY level in all this. It has been as useful as a chocolate fireguard, and it’s doctrines and dogmas have more in common with the rote learning of school times tables than any real spirituality. The spiritual process hasn’t alluded to one single saint or recognizable Christian figure. Instead, it has constantly alluded to the gods of ancient Rome and Norse mythology. Instead I have felt very strongly the pull of Paganism. There is a magic out there in the woods and in the seasons that I just don’t feel in church. This is why I chose the name ‘Tannhauser’; I am caught between two stools, but Paganism is slowly winning out. But not this horrible type of neo-Paganism which involves heavy drinking, loud music and treating Stonehenge like a toilet. No, I mean the simple ancient beliefs of our ancestors, who, despite what the Catholic Church would have us believe, actually lived by a strong moral code. I see an attraction in revering the sun. I can see it and feel its effects. Without it everything would perish.

    After over twenty years as essentially a keyboard musician playing piano and organ, this summer I went out and bought a gothic harp and am learning to play it. When things like that happen out of the blue, I wonder if its this ‘process’ at work.

    Best wishes,
    Tannhauser

    September 20, 2016 at 9:19 am in reply to: Existential crisis and guilt, I feel like an empty shell #115701
    Tannhauser
    Blocked

    Thanks LBNL,

    To be honest, I don’t think I will feel much different in a few months. This experience of mine has been getting progressively worse. I am so sad. I grieve for life as it used to be. I cry every day. I never used to do that. Never. I have been through too much in my life, and I am tired now. If someone offered me euthanasia I would take it. There are family and friend around me yet I feel completely isolated and spaced out. I am questioning my existence all the time. I never did that before. I just want to go to sleep and not wake up again.

    Best wishes.

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