Dear lk09,

I am sorry that your friend’s father is in hospital fighting covid – I hope he’ll make it and fully recover!

Regarding your previous ex:

I always felt I was taking care of him. And within a year and a half, I wanted the relationship to end but he was already struggling so much in his life that I did not want to make life more difficult for him.

So what you’re saying is that you sacrificed yourself for him, because you didn’t want to leave him to struggle with his own problems. You thought you should help him. You have put him – the person who selfishly leaves you in the middle of the night on a deserted street – before your own well-being and your own interest. This is how you were conditioned in your family – to sacrifice yourself for your sister, to never fight back if she would strike you, to accept her abuse… Perhaps he even reminded you of her a little, with his anger and hot temper. With time, you realized he’s beneath you and you don’t want to be with such a crude person any more.

You then looked for someone more sensible and calm – the opposite of your sister – and that was your recent ex. With him, you didn’t feel weak, like a puppy, and at the mercy of his anger. You felt strong and confident, you were his superwoman. Now you were at least saving someone deserving to be saved – this gentle, sensitive guy who was so opposite of your sister. Do you think there might be a connection there? It never occurred to me before, but I guess it’s possible…

I just know that there was an emotion(Perhaps still is hidden within) too strong which neither of us could understand. I am saying this because we often discussed this that why do we still care for one another? … I was thinking to myself that why am I in this situation and why do I keep feeling for him when I haven’t even spent a month with him together.

I believe it was because of the dream of “what could be” that you were holding on to him. He was perfect for you from several aspects. One of his features you liked was his calm, sensible demeanor – possibly guaranteeing that he’d be different from your sister and that life with him would be peaceful and pleasant. And that you would be his No1 – something that you’ve never experienced in your childhood home. So he had a lot of potential, a lot of promise. There was a chance that your dream would come true… I think that’s the reason you were holding on to him.

Dear Pavel,

His brother died because of injecting metamphetamine, cancer and AIDS. He sees his brother in me. He was also bisexual.

My brother only used me as a sexual toy when I was a kid and he is definitely not straight, as I can say because I grew up with him and straight boy wouldn’t do what he did to me. So, he is probably pansexual.

We saw our brothers in each other. Drugs only made it more emotional. Brighter.

It appears you bonded over a similar life story, and a similar or related trauma, I dare say. You were sexually abused as a boy by your own brother, and Lukas’s brother died of drug abuse, cancer and AIDS. You see in him not just “a brother”, someone on a similar path as you, but you see your own brother, the person who abused you.

That’s why there was a strong sense of “recognition” and attraction towards him – because every abused child is seeking some closure to their trauma, and we’re often attracted to people who remind us of our abusers. We hope that this time round we can have a different experience with this person who abused and hurt us, but whom we also strangely love (because they are our family). Since Lukas reminds you of your brother, it’s possible that you saw the opportunity to finally solve that childhood trauma, to give it a different ending.

But the truth is that getting involved in a relationship with people who remind us of our abusers is only going to re-traumatize us, and hurt us more. The only way we can break free from trauma is therapy, to work with a professional who’ll help us properly go through all phases of grief and pain and come on the other side. Have you worked on your sexual abuse trauma in therapy already?

Dear lk09,

it’s a good strategy to focus on the things you enjoy and to “pamper”yourself, give yourself the best care and nurturance, and also new experiences.

Are you in touch with your girlfriend who offered to be your support buddy?

It’s only normal you’re thinking about him sometimes, but when he does pop in your mind, don’t just think of the (rare) good times when you felt close, don’t think at the beginning of your relationship when things were good, but think about the entire 2.5 years and the times he rejected you, told you he needs a break, is interested in other women and can’t be with you. Try not to remember him with those rose-colored glasses on, but take them off.  See the reality of it, see that a lot of that relationship was suffering for you.

You wanted to be his No1, and you got that place only in the beginning perhaps, but he immediately started asking for breaks, questioning your relationship because of your sister’s disapproval, and later drinking and watching online porn, telling you he wants to explore other women. This isn’t how someone who loves you and values you behaves.

What you’re missing is a dream of a perfect relationship that in reality you never had with him, or perhaps there were occasional glimpses but they would go away the very next day. The dream never lasted, but you kept chasing it.

If you want to move on, see things as they are, and also that the dream of someone healing your internal craving – is an impossible  dream. Only you can heal your craving, only you can give that inner child what she really needs.

Speaking of pictures, perhaps you can put up a picture of yourself as a child, to remind you of the person who now needs your attention and appreciation and love the most…

• This reply was modified 4 years, 2 months ago by Tee.

Dear Ishita,

the incident you’ve just described, you said it happened recently. Does it mean in the last 2 weeks, since you first posted here?

If so, I’d have to say that you have expectations of him, as if he were your boyfriend, and he isn’t. So, he was silent all day, because he was sleeping, but you didn’t know about it, so you messaged him, and he called you. In this phone call he explained why he was not responsive, but you told him “he should have at least told me that instead of ignoring completely”. So you weren’t happy with his explanation, and resented him/got offended that he didn’t let you know that he’d be sleeping.

The reason why you had expectations and got upset is this:

Now, i was getting a bit anxious by the end, so I kind of was angry, that I felt that maybe we were connecting again because he had been video calling me evry day for a week then until that day, so I just didnt want to lose that again.

So you were hoping that there might still be something between the two of you, even though he told you he doesn’t want a relationship. But you started hoping again, and started having expectations on him.

Since you haven’t talked the matter through during the phone call (because one of you got interrupted), you expected to talk about it in more detail later, to resolve things:

He told me he will call me back so I waited, and had begun to feel that maybe this was wrong on my part he isnt my boyfriend and so I wanted to resolve this from my end as well if he called.

So I said that if he is busy we can maybe take it up later its fine, I can wait.

Here, one part of you started thinking that it’s maybe too much to expect of him to inform you about his every move, since he isn’t your boyfriend. This, rational, calm and polite part thinks you can wait. But the other part of you is pretty anxious, demanding and has expectations. That’s the inner conflict in you.

He himself can be pretty knit-picky too. He started to make a big deal of you ignoring his message “are you fine?”, although you did reply but indirectly. You tried to explain you did reply, but he didn’t accept your explanation. Same as you didn’t accept his explanation that he was sleeping and that’s why he didn’t respond to you.

Although he knows that I would have said sorry if without a thought, if i would have genuinely felt i ignored his msg.

You would have apologized if you felt guilty. Same as him – probably he would have apologized if he felt guilty. But he didn’t feel guilty for not letting you know that he’s sleeping – that’s why he said nothing.

This matter was really stupid and then he kind of started talking to me rudely, making fun of the way I was fumbling(which i do at times) and it really hurt me, so I told him on that call, that resolving an issue would be a different thing but one is never supposed to talk rudely to ppl close to them (he didnt use to do that before ) and he knew i dont talk to ppl in that tone, so he went silent and didnt apologize.

This is where he should have apologized for being rude and making fun of  you. But I guess he didn’t want to apologize for what you originally accused him of (sleeping all the day) – that’s why he was silent. He did apologize though in a subsequent call:

And it went like that for seven days( we werent in contact) and it really hurt me very bad, that such a small matter could go on to this extent, seven days later he called me and i told him it wasnt ok to comeback like nothing happened, and that was the first time I burst in tears while saying that, I used to talk to him very politely and he knew that, and he was suddenly being rude to me just because he qas angry. But he felt really bad and sad and he did apologize, but I knew it was too late by then. I did forgive him

Indeed, it was a small matter, but you made a big deal out of it, and spent a week being hurt and offended. Perhaps you were offended that he made fun of you at some point, but I guess you were even more offended about his original “sin”, and you wanted to resolve it by having him apologize. Eventually he did apologize (I guess for the part where he was rude?), but it was too late for you (“I knew it was too late by then“). His apology wasn’t good enough, probably because he didn’t apologize for what you wanted him to apologize?

Dear Ishita, it seems to me that both of you are pretty stubborn, easily offended, and neither of you wants to be wrong. Plus, you have expectations on him that he should behave like your boyfriend. He refuses to do that, and gets angry and rude trying to defend himself.

But i guess this was the last fight we had after which I had really decided this was it, the confusion needs to go, we have been fighting just because of unmatched expectations

Yes, and before you talk to him, try to deal with your internal confusion. I guess you should accept that he doesn’t want to be your boyfriend, at least at the moment, even if he’s interacting with you on a regular basis. Because from what you wrote, it seems you can’t accept that, and are having expectations on him.

Dear Ishita,

you said he sometimes used to just listen to you when you were upset about him, and didn’t say anything:

Whenever I used to bring these things to his notice, he either used to keep defending himself with baseless reasons or trying to be “overly technical” About everything(trying to show how smart he is) or when I used to really make him realise what was wrong, he would go entirely silent but never to own up and say sorry or give a rigid answer, unlike me.

There used to be times when I used to be upset for some unresolved issue of ours, and then he used to call me even though he be sleeping and I d keep telling him that we can take this up later, but it used to feel sweet how he used to not let go and listen to my take., (but eventually I realised that just listening wasnt helping, we were just wasting hours talking abt the same thing again and again because he didnt use to give me a rigid answer., just used to listen)

First, could you give an example of how he was being “overly technical”? And what was the issue that you accused him of, to which he “defended” himself just with silence?

Dear Ishita,

you’re welcome!

He started to become more about himself, and criticising me for smallest of things, making me feel uncomfortable.

Could you give an example of what he was criticizing about you?

Whenever I used to bring these things to his notice, he either used to keep defending himself with baseless reasons or trying to be “overly technical” About everything(trying to show how smart he is) or when I used to really make him realise what was wrong, he would go entirely silent but never to own up and say sorry or give a rigid answer, unlike me.

Again, if you could give an example of a situation where you had a quarrel, and how he was trying to defend himself?

I think it’d help me get a little better picture of his character…

Dear ninibee,

you’re absolutely not wasting my time, and I don’t feel you’re spinning around in circles, and I am so glad you’re posting. I believe we all were able to understand a little better the reasons for your unrelenting shame – which most probably stem from your very early childhood, and are related to your mother not meeting your needs. They have nothing to do you with being unlikeable or repulsive or shameful. Try to understand at least that. It wasn’t your fault that your legitimate needs weren’t properly met.

I know it’s hard for you at the moment, and you’re identifying with your older self, who might have done some shameful things, but remember that it was all a reaction, a consequence of your childhood wounding. You, as a young, confused adult, were in pain, and you behaved accordingly. What Anita said a few days ago was so true, and it resonated with you: “I was mentally unwell, confused, desperate, in pain, and therefore likely to act in shameful ways. And I did.”

So try to see your shameful acts not as a reflection of your true self, but as a consequence of being in pain. And then try to see beyond them, and see in front of yourself that little adorable baby who needed to be lovingly touched and cuddled and cooed to and smiled at, and enjoyed that she exists… but she wasn’t. She was rejected. And she started to believe there’s something wrong with her, she started to feel shame, she might have even felt she was a creep, a monster… (I felt that about myself). And when we’re in so much pain, we need ways to soothe or numb ourselves, and we act out.

Please try to see it as it was, and have compassion for yourself, because none of it was your fault. And please keep posting here, you have nothing to be ashamed of, and you’ve helped me too with your sharing <3

• This reply was modified 4 years, 2 months ago by Tee.

Dear lk09,

Why did it have to be a person whom everyone disapproved of in my house? why did it have to be a long-distance relationship and why were things always tougher for us than other people?? this hurts a lot, these questions do.

It appears it was a long-distance relationship not just because of covid, but also because you weren’t sure it would succeed:

I was also scared that if I move into the same city as him and he breaks my heart, the city might haunt me for life.

It wasn’t just circumstances or your family who prevented you to be with him. It was the two of you, he being ambivalent and playing the push-pull game, and you being afraid to move into his city, lest you be disappointed and judged/condemned by your family.  But mostly, things were hard because he was ambivalent, he wanted breaks, he told you about having interest in other women etc. It had nothing to do with long distance. Even when he came to visit you this February, and things looked promising, he later went back into his ambivalent, fearful mode, not knowing if he really wants to be with you or not.

I know it’s hard to face, but the above is why it was tougher for you than for other people. True love and dedication and commitment was missing on his part. If he wanted it to succeed, he would have done something about it – you gave him million opportunities. I am sorry if this sounds harsh, but I think it’s better to see things as they are than to seek excuses for why things didn’t work out and torturing yourself in the process…