Dear Ava,

you’re welcome.

In case you know more about the topic, would you mind elaborating more on the topic of people changing personality during sex?

Unfortunately I don’t know much more, just that sex involves (or should involve) intimacy. If we’ve experienced wounding and abuse in our closest relationships, i.e. with our parents, the related hurt and the need to revenge and punish the perpetrators may come up during sex. Your girlfriend might have experienced some sort of abuse, possibly sexual, and her abusive behavior towards you is the result.

Since she wants to have (abusive) sex practically all the time, it means her personality is almost completely consumed by her shadow self. Even though you might have compassion for her, and seek to understand her better, try to remove yourself from the situation in which you are exploited, as Anita also suggested.

Dear lk09,

They know I have always wanted to choose my own partner but the delay that happened in my sister’s marriage has scared them and they are not understanding my current mental state.

Your sister had the right to make a mistake, didn’t she? She was engaged back in 2018, and then the wedding was cancelled (not sure whose fault it was though?). And she is about 33 now, right? So she received that grace and understanding from your parents. You have the right to get the same treatment…

I have tried moving on many times in the last 2.5 years, it did not work. I have consciously tried to move on, to like other people but I am unable to. That scares me a lot.

As I said before, I believe the reason is a childhood wound… there was a dynamic with him where you were his savior, his helper, he valued you and looked up to you, you helped him in his decisions, and the two of you were similar in many aspects. You could even tell him your darkest secrets, you could be completely honest with him. You thought he was “your person”, the other half you were waiting for while watching the skies…

The truth is that you were valued and appreciated and seen by him – some of the time. But you were also unappreciated and rejected by him at other times, lots of other times. Now it occurs to me that it almost reflects your childhood experience – you were loved and appreciated by your granny in your early childhood, but then you were rejected and unappreciated by your parents and sister later.

He was the promise of perfect love, where you would be loved, appreciated and valued at all times. The childhood dynamic was there: you were doing your best to get his love (you were doing that with your parents too), you were trying to help him heal so he can finally love you. You craved for love from someone who couldn’t fully love you…  the same as in your childhood. That’s why you were so hooked, and why it’s so hard to get unhooked now.

I believe the way to heal is to learn to love, appreciate and value yourself at all times. You thought you love yourself, but when you’re accepting lesser treatment, when you need to beg for someone’s love, when you’re afraid to tell your parents not to  arrange marriage for you – all those are examples when you’re not loving and respecting yourself enough. When you feel awkward during a group setting, probably feeling judged by others (you didn’t answer why you feel awkward?), you also don’t love yourself enough. If you work on loving yourself completely, your magnetic attraction to people who can’t love you completely will lessen.

Dear lk09,

regarding your drunk incident, I think you should forgive yourself you kissed that guy back because you weren’t aware of what’s going on around you. At the same time, drinking to the point of passing out isn’t really helpful, so I think you’d need to look at that tendency – if it’s a tendency and not an isolated event? Do you feel more relaxed and funny at a party, if you drink?

As for confessing it immediately to your boyfriend – well, since you two were honest about everything and knew each other’s vices, then it makes sense. And I guess it didn’t harm your relationship. Sometimes though it’s not necessary to confess everything, specially if we know it will hurt the person and it was some foolishness we did once and never again.

• This reply was modified 4 years, 2 months ago by Tee.

Dear lk09,

you left him a really loving message here, it shows you care a lot about him and his well-being. But at the same time, you’re right not to reach out again and repeat the same cycle… he needs to be willing to help himself first.

At home, nobody is asking for my consent anymore. They didn’t ask if my relationship with him ended or not, they are like since the choice was between my sister and this unknown man… Obviously our daughter will choose her sister and so they started telling me about different boys suitable for arrange marriage.

Have you told you parents you’re not interested in an arranged marriage but want to marry out of love? In one of the previous posts you said that you kept your relationship secret from your family:

we never did even have a chance to live how normal couples do, with love and without worries of what our families would do if they knew we are still dating.

I know you were on and off, so I guess that was one of the reasons you kept it a secret. But still, perhaps there’s a part of you that is afraid to claim the right to love whomever you want. I know it’s hard in the Indian society to love freely without being obliged to your family, but perhaps it’s time to stand up for yourself and claim your right to make mistakes on your path to finding true love. It’s very rare that we immediately find our companion for life, and we’ll trip over and experience heartbreak, but it doesn’t mean our parents know better and that arranged marriage is a better solution. It’s definitely not. So perhaps stand stronger in your determination that you don’t want arranged marriage and are capable of finding the right person for yourself, even if it takes more time and some trials and errors.

Regarding you being withdrawn and uncomfortable in a larger group:

I have difficulty enjoying myself with everyone as well. It is not just that I have difficulty sharing my mind with people, I have difficulty even enjoying myself in a group. I become awkward and I notice that people avoid my company as they feel I am too serious.

It’s possible that one feels awkward in a group, and can only truly open in 1-on-1 relationships, like you can. I am also like that, being much more comfortable in the company of one, max two people. This can be partly due to your personality, where you want to connect more deeply, better understand a person, listen to him/her, and create a deeper bond. And you’re not able to do that with many people at the same time, because you’re not the kind to like superficial chit-chat and just throwing around jokes.

However, if you feel truly uncomfortable and perhaps even judged by others while in a group situation, you should look at that, because there might be a self-esteem issue there and feeling not good enough.

Dear Kpd,

I started going on and off. I asked for breaks, break ups. I never could get sure into her, nor could I go away from her.

When i breakup with her, I see all the good things, I imagine and visualise good things, I value her and miss her. But when I start talking to her back, o get the stress and bad feelings about the bad part associated with, I get feeling less etc.

So when you’re close, something bothers you and you want to get away, and when you’re away, you miss her and want to get close again.

Can you explain a little about what bothers you when you’re close? What is the bad part, that causes you stress and bad feelings?

Dear Neverdyed,

alright, it’s a deal. You take care of yourself too!

Dear lk09,

good that you knew about his crush and could talk it through with him. I could see your sister’s reaction in a bit different light now, because she might have been concerned about you, to be in a relationship with someone who behaved rather foolishly with her, knowing that she was engaged. Perhaps she wasn’t motivated just by jealousy but also by real concern that you’re getting yourself into trouble with this volatile man. Has he apologized to her for his behavior? Has he done anything to mend the situation and assure her that he has serious intentions with you and something similar won’t happen again?

Dear noname,

I feel the need for another, not necessarily a partner just another person or people to hold space for my grief. The isolation is my biggest enemy. And I’m tired of being told it’s my fault I feel this way, i just need to change my perspective or do this or that.

When we’ve been so emotionally deprived as children, as you have been, we get stuck and identify completely with our wounded inner child, and it feels really difficult to get out of it. It’s like trying to pull ourselves up by our own bootstraps. The wounded child needs a compassionate adult to help it process its hurt and get unstuck. This compassionate adult is often a therapist, who can offer mirroring, compassion and understanding to the person, and help the person grieve their losses – everything they haven’t received from their parents and all the pain they had to live through.

With the help of a therapist, you’ll learn how to slowly disidentify from your wounded inner child and see also the adult side in you, the side which is capable of e.g. helping others compassionately, like you are capable of. So strengthening your adult self – which is present but weak – would be very important, and then bringing the adult self into interaction with your wounded inner child, to give it the missing experience of being loved and cared for. That I see as a plausible way to healing.

Do you have a therapist with whom you can do the inner child work?