Dear noname,

I hear you – you feel that people are dismissing your problems and want to fix them, rather than hearing you compassionately and “sitting with you” in your pain. You say your therapist is good at doing that, but others, like your roommate, aren’t. It does seem to disturb you a lot, because it appears just having your therapist see you and validate you isn’t enough, but you’d need more people to do it. That’s why you need a support group too, which you’re afraid to attend to due to confidentiality issues.

Now, the practical side of me – the problem solver – would like to offer an advice to perhaps look at online support groups, rather than in-person ones, so not to compromise your anonymity in the city you live. It shouldn’t be a problem to find such a group, since I believe quite a few popped up since covid…

Perhaps you’re annoyed by this advice, and in general by people offering solutions, because there’s a part of you that doesn’t want to move on. Have you considered that? What would happen if you’d become successful in your career? Is there somewhere in you a fear of success, a fear of healing and moving beyond your past, which keeps you stuck in one place?

Dear lk09,

I hear you and your concern about your sister’s aggressive, manipulative behavior all throughout your childhood and youth. It’s good that you’re aware of her abusive behavior and you don’t feel obliged to take it just because she’s your sister and you should “love each other”. It’s great that you’ve set some boundaries and aren’t allowing her to abuse you any longer.

It’s also very mature of you to try to talk to her about your ex and what exactly she holds against him. But she refused to detail, asking you to trust her, simply because she says so. Since she already informed your parents (and everybody else) about his crush on her, it’s probably true that she wasn’t trying to protect you, but she just behaved true to herself – telling you basically “just do as I say”. In fact, if she knew things about him (since they were in the same friends circle), it would have been only fair if she told you, specially since you asked her to be completely honest with you. So I see how she actually betrayed you here and didn’t act in your best interest.

In a recent post you wrote:

I don’t know how long we would have lasted if my sister didn’t interfere but I would have still dealt with it better than the mess she created with me, him, my family, and his family. I don’t think I can ever forgive her for that even if tomorrow someone else comes to my life, I know I can’t forgive her.

Well, regardless of how your sister behaved, she isn’t the only reason your relationship failed. She may have interfered and ratted him out, but it wasn’t what ruined your relationship. Rather, it was his insecurity, his addictions, his ambivalence. And his asking for her approval even if she was clear she would never grant it. If he were serious and dedicated to you, if he’d pulled his act together, she wouldn’t be able to stand in your way. But unfortunately, he wasn’t, and that’s why things ended the way they did…

Dear lk09,

thank you for clarifying. If you have no problems him reading what you write, we can continue here, talking about your issues. And since he knows you’re posting here and might find his thread too, probably he’s okay with this setup. I would also like to hear Anita’s perspective on this.

I am glad you came to trust me and find my input, as well as Anita’s, valuable. I also think it’s great that you’ve started opening up more to your friends, in particular that one friend whom you trust and who told you she’d be there for you. That’s really important, and it’s a good plan.

You still seem to be seeking answers about your relationship and what it meant for him, and whether it was love or not:

I need to accept the fact that it wasn’t his confusion, I actually didn’t suit him or his situation.

Maybe It was all in my head…

It wasn’t all in your head, you definitely had a bond, but it was troubled. Don’t start thinking you didn’t mean anything to him, because you did, and here’s the proof:

I know he did love me and I know our situation wasn’t normal ever but he did try hard to work it out whenever I gave up.

Here you’re saying it was sometimes you who wanted to end it, but then he’d try to work it out still. Which means he was invested too, it wasn’t just you trying to keep him.

I think before we proceed, though, we should discuss the new element, which is that he had a crush on your sister. How much did you know about it? Have the two of you spoken about it openly? Because I think it would be important to talk it through so that it doesn’t burden the relationship additionally…

Dear lpkR09,

I think you should read and listen to the person without judgement as for disclosing similarities, it is someone who has a tough time opening to people. So, I feel I should refrain from speaking about that other thread. Any story which has been lived by two people, obviously has two sides is all I can say at the moment and both parties should get a non-judgemental hearing and unbiased help.

alright, it’s most probably your boyfriend then. If this were therapy, which it isn’t, it would be unethical for a therapist to work with both parties in the couple separately. Only acceptable would be couple therapy. That’s because of confidentiality issues. But okay, this isn’t therapy. Does he know you’re posting on this forum as well?

Please know, I am in no way judgmental towards either of you, would be glad to help if possible, but I think it would be important that both of you know that the other is sharing here, and to agree how to go about it. How open can both of you be if you know the other might be reading? So for me, it would be important that I don’t need to pretend that it’s not him, but that I can speak openly.

Dear Ilyana,

so good to hear you’re doing well and that your cognitive abilities have improved compared to a month ago. I think you have the right attitude to healing, you’re taking it slowly, having lots of compassion for yourself, not judging yourself, and making small but definite steps every day on your journey to healing. And that you’ve regained hope – which is so important!

I am really happy to read about your progress and your healthy attitude, and am rooting that MRI show no physical damage. It’s very promising that you’re experiencing improvement in your cognition, which means there’s probably no physical damage.

Dear ninibee,

I can remember at the time thinking if I had someone to share my goals/projects/achievements with that I would be more motivated in life. For much of my life, I have been solely motivated by getting attention (or connection)

You know how children always shout “Mom, watch me!”, or “Dad, watch me!” when they’re proud of some achievement of theirs, be it a jump in the water, or walking on the rope, or whatever they may be proud of themselves. The child is always keen on getting the parents’ affirmation of their skills and abilities. The child loves to be good at things and also to get the parents’ praise.

But if you felt from a very early age that your mother isn’t even interested in you, that she finds you “icky” or repulsive, it wouldn’t be surprising that you later didn’t care about her seeing your success and giving you praise either. You wouldn’t be motivated to want anything from her, when she rejected you from the start. As a consequence, you wouldn’t be motivated to achieve anything in your life either, because what’s the point – there’s no one who cares to see it. Do you think this could have been the case?

Dear Ava,

your girlfriend doesn’t seem to respect you and your needs, e.g. to have sex only when you too are in the mood, but is focused only on her own needs. She doesn’t respect your boundaries either, e.g. by being cruel during sex when you clearly don’t want it, by calling you derogatory names which you also don’t like and have told her so, by laughing at your need for precaution and protecting your health. As Anita says, she’s being abusive, and you’re enduring behaviors that you shouldn’t be enduring.

As for personality change during sex, yes, it happens with quite a few people, specially people who haven’t worked through their subconscious material, e.g. their anger at their parents, and so they vent their anger at their partner during sex. Sex brings a lot of our “shadow” to the surface, which otherwise we suppress. You’re on the receiving end of your girlfriend’s unprocessed shadow… think about whether you want to endure that, or you want to set some boundaries and protect yourself.