Dear Ryan,

good to read from you again. Also, I am glad about your job prospects – are you planning to accept the offer?

Did you have the chance to talk about the savior complex during your therapy session? Because I believe this is an issue. In a previous post, you wrote:

“I wanted to be someone different for her here in the small town in the middle of nowhere. Someone other than the country boys that abound. Someone who does more than drink, hunt, and fish. Wanted her to know that it’s okay to lean on others. That those she lets close aren’t going to let her down. That men see more in her than just a sexual being.”

It seems to me you wanted to be special for her, but also better than the average “country boys” in “the small town in the middle of nowhere.” There’s a sense of superiority there, like you’re better than the men there, you’re sensitive, you talk about your feelings, you’re not seeing women just as sexual objects. You come from a big city to this God forsaken place in the middle of nowhere, and you feel so much better than the local guys. Does that ring true?

You also said:

“I suppose my torment comes from a sense of rejection by her. Not in the romantic sense but it of the almost consistent rebuff by her.”

It appears that the greatest pain is that she rejected you, not necessarily as a romantic partner, but as this special person in her life, who could be a stable rock for her, who could give her what other men cannot, and eventually, who could save her from her demons. It’s almost as if she refused your uniqueness, she didn’t recognize how special you are, and this seems to hurt you the most.

If this is true, you’ve got issues with self-worth, which often goes hand in hand with the savior complex. Because you’ve grown a lot as a person and are much more self-aware than before, much more able to show vulnerability etc. So you made a definite progress, and this makes you feel better about yourself (and it should). But if there’s a deeper issue of lack of self-worth, we’ll start taking pride in being more “mature” than some other people whom we’ll then try to “save”, all in an attempt to prove how special and valuable we are.

This all happens subconsciously, but the result is that we’re attracted to “damaged” people, whom we then try to save, unsuccessfully…

• This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by Tee.

Dear Felix,

I am sorry you’re suffering so much. But also – and I am saying this without my pride being offended or anything like that – you didn’t respond to anything I or other members suggested. You keep repeating that you’re trying, you’re doing everything you can, but you’re stuck. Now you say you aren’t punishing yourself for missteps (“I don’t punish myself if I eat more over a few days or if a I skip a day of looking for a new job or studying.“) But in previous posts, you did say you’re punishing yourself, perhaps not if you eat too much but about other things.

I offered a possible explanation of what might be going on, but you haven’t commented on it whatsoever. What do you think  about it? Does it resonate? Or is it off the mark and you don’t feel like that at all? I won’t be offended if you think it doesn’t apply to you, I didn’t write it for myself, but to try to help you. But you completely ignored it. How come? It seems as if you’re desperate looking for help but at the same time rejecting it.

Dear miyoid,

you sound much more energetic and forward looking, and that’s great! You are resourceful for sure, you’ve managed to find a way to help yourself and your mom to have some more income – at the tender age of 15. That’s pretty rare, and you should be proud of yourself, same as your mom is.

It’s nice to see you’re already considering your next steps career wise. I guess moving to another country would take more time, and in the meanwhile you could try experimenting with your designs. But for that you would need to have more free time than now, so perhaps you could find a part-time job, if you’re worried about the lack of income?

As for your boyfriend,

“I will encourage him to find a new home and move out, to create his own space. Maybe then, I will be able to see everything more clearly.”

yes, it’s better if he moved out, because that will benefit both of you. He too wanted to move out and find his own way, and for now, I think that’s the best possible decision for both of you.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by Tee.

Dear Boris,

I am glad that what I’ve wrote resonated with you, even if it made you cry… But those tears are not just pain, it’s also the release of all frozen emotions inside of you, it’s melting… As you say, this is much better than stuffing it down. By allowing to feel your emotions you’re actually connecting your head to your heart, you’re moving in the direction you want to, towards integration…

If you want to know more about the concept of the inner child, John Bradshaw is an excellent resource, as Anita suggested. His book on shame was one of the first self-help books I’ve read, and it blew my mind. Haven’t read his book Homecoming yet, but I am planning to, it’s on my list.

I’ve taken a listen to the guitar solo by Ayla Tesler-Mabe – it’s deep and powerful and I get why you like it. Just keep listening to music that opens your heart and allows you to feel…

And let us know what your therapist suggested as possible next steps…

Dear Boris,

I mentioned dancing since you mentioned it first – that you are “plodding, marching… but never dancing”. So I thought this might be something to explore. But I understand the physical limitations. I too hurt my knee and can’t really jog, hike, do yoga, and I guess dancing would be a pretty big challenge too (haven’t tried it recently 🙂 ).

But for you, I believe there are psychological limitations too, since as you said, you always felt stiff and never felt the need to move your body to music. Playing music yes, but dancing no. You say “We’re each and every one of us alone, locked inside this bony prison sitting atop our shoulders, blind and insensate, except for what’s being either piped in from our sensory apparatus, or manufactured within us“.

That’s a very mechanical and gloomy image of the body. The body can also be a source of pleasure – when we move, we feel pleasure. When we can’t move, it causes us pain. The body is our vehicle to enjoy life, to go places, to love, to embrace, to nurture, to protect… the very things that your lady friend awakened in you. Pleasure – in all its forms – isn’t possible without loving and cherishing our body.

As children, we’re free and spontaneous, we laugh, we cry, we run around, we enjoy movement tremendously. We aren’t born stiff. But something can happen during our childhood that forces us to stop the free flow of emotions, of pleasure, of spontaneity. You haven’t spoken much about your childhood, except that it all changed when your parents got divorced. But may I ask – how free and spontaneous were you as a child, even before the age of 10? Were there rules and limitations that stopped you from being too spontaneous, from expressing your unmitigated joy?

Dear Neverdyed,

I’ve re-read your earlier posts, and I see a lot of ambivalence on your part in your relationship with him, especially in the beginning. For example, the fact that you didn’t even like him very much at the beginning. You were surprised when he contacted you after you’d returned to your country (“When I returned to my country in 2018, I didn’t expect him to stay in touch, but he did and rather frequently, that’s why I got used to the pattern”).

You said in one of the posts last June that you don’t even want a relationship with him and would leave him when someone better comes along:

“In fact, I don’t really want to be in a relationship with him, just my obsession of letting people go makes me so. And I’ve always been aware that once there’s someone “better” here, I’d leave, yet the problem is there’s none and I’m not going to chase.”

You also said that he behaved more maturely than you (“The man acted maturer than me most of the time.”) and that after you’ve returned to your country in 2018, it was you who might have made your communication more difficult, by interpreting his messages negatively, after which he might have ran out of patience:

“It’s true that I’d kept many things to myself when he and I were able to meet in person. And it’s awkward for me to express at times. Then I returned to my country, the main communication was via messages, I already tend to over analyse, without seeing the other’s facial expressions, I interpreted messages negatively often. I know it can be tiring for him to deal with me from time to time, yet it’s definitely worse for me. I decided to open up a little (the core one was my fear of people’d disappear, as it’s happened several times) after sensing some changes in the relationship and reading psychological stuff. Maybe he was encouraging in the beginning, then he either ran out of patience or simply shifted his attention.”

Since you were quite ambivalent about him in the beginning, and got very attached as the time went by, I can imagine that your initial lack of interest and a sort of indifference was a protective mechanism. You thought that nothing would come out of the relationship anyway, so why get too excited. Perhaps you referred to this state of indifference as “ashes”, which he then ignited each time he contacted you.

As the time went by, I am guessing you were less and less indifferent, started to get attached to him, but because of your protective mechanism, you didn’t show it very much. He was initiating contact, you were responding, but you were careful not to start a chat when it’s not “your turn”, because what if he doesn’t want to hear from you. You also didn’t inquire much about his life or his family, because you thought it would be intrusive. You were protecting yourself from rejection and humiliation, you didn’t want to let on that you care about him.

So you were getting more and more attached, perhaps you even started believing that this could turn into a serious relationship, but you didn’t express it to him, you didn’t show too much enthusiasm to him. What you did show was a certain “negativity” (when you misinterpreted his messages), maybe accusing him of things, which he didn’t like because it was supposed to be a light, casual relationship, in which people don’t demand things from each other.

I can even imagine that his initial enthusiasm and “affection” was because you said you weren’t interested in a committed relationship, and he felt safe. When you started expressing some “heaviness”, perhaps some passive aggressiveness and veiled accusations (I don’t know, just guessing here), he didn’t like it and started withdrawing.

For him, with his avoidant attachment style, any kind of demand for regular contact, exclusivity and commitment would feel like a threat. So as you were getting ready to put down your guard at least a little and peek out of your shell (while still being careful not to show your affection too much), he was already withdrawing because he sensed you wanted more than he was willing to give.

During this whole process you’ve realized that a casual relationship isn’t what you actually want. You want a real, committed, exclusive relationship. It’s something he most probably isn’t willing to give you. He realizes he makes you sad, but doesn’t feel responsible for your sadness, since he never promised you anything more than fun. But you are hurting because although in the beginning you thought you don’t care, you ended up caring quite a bit.

Please correct me if I made wrong assumptions and if your relationship wasn’t like that. If you feel it’s mostly true, I am sorry it happened like that. It was painful but you don’t need to repeat it, if you understand how and why it happened, and how your own attitude might have contributed to it.

Dear Eva,

so he was secretly dating his ex, but not while the two of you were together, but before that? (I misunderstood earlier that he was meeting with his ex while the two of you were dating).

Well, it’s curious they would keep it a secret. Because I guess at that time he didn’t have any “moral” reasons to keep it a secret. Maybe she did?

In any case, you were put in a situation where you needed to hide your love for him, not to hurt someone else’s feelings. You said you both agreed to it (“we couldn’t find a reasonable idea how to be free in a relationship“), but how did you feel about that?

• This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by Tee.

Dear Neverdyed,

“Thanks for clarifying, but did you feel that now I’m rather willing to demand anything from him??”

No, I don’t think you’d demand anything from him anymore, since from what you’ve expressed, it seems you’ve realized you don’t want to continue in an open, not committed, on/off relationship.

I just thought that him suggesting other lovers happened later chronologically than you protesting against on-off contacts. But as you say now, it happened earlier.

I checked your earlier posts again, to put together a more coherent picture, since it’s a little hard to follow the timeline. One thing stood out, which I haven’t noticed earlier:

“During the time when we were together, there were deep conversations and I could talk better, and he’s the one who showed more affections. He started to get distant after the reunion (which was fine still).”

What do you think happened at the reunion which made him distance himself from you? When you say “which was fine still”, does it mean it didn’t bother you so much back then that he got distant?