Dear Alessa,

It is not so much empathy and compassion in the traditional sense. These things are synonymous with emotional connection. It is not my mother as a person that I think about. It is her situation that I understand. Not in an empathising emotional connection sort of way. But a rational way. Not to deny myself, but to understand the situation that I was in. A situation that I just existed in.

Yes, that’s how I meant compassion too. In the case of people who don’t want to admit that they are wounded and that they need healing, compassion is different than with someone who wants to be helped and is open to face their own issues.

Compassion for someone who is open might involve emotional connection, support, help, guidance, talking about difficulties, openly sharing about your own struggles and how you’ve overcome them, being vulnerable with the person. All that. Emotional intimacy.

But with someone who is closed for any kind of help – because they deny they have a problem – compassion doesn’t involve emotional intimacy and sharing. I think it involves accepting that that’s who they are, not hating them, but setting boundaries so that they wouldn’t be able to abuse us any longer. Also, emotionally detaching from the person. Because sharing isn’t possible, vulnerability isn’t possible with such a person.

Come to think about it, maybe two kinds of compassion exist: one is which we can emotionally connect and share, because the person is in touch with their true self and their own vulnerability. Add another, in which we cannot connect and share, because the person isn’t in touch with their true self and their vulnerability. In the latter case, we accept (radical acceptance), observe, we can be kind if our kindness isn’t met with attacks and abuse, and we hold our boundaries.

Bottom line: we are love, but with some people, that love cannot be shared.

Dear Alessa,

I’m sorry to hear that your son is not yet eligible for free childcare, so you have to do everything on your own. That truly is a lot of work 🙁

I do hope you don’t neglect yourself either, because you know the airplane rule: first put on your own oxygen mask, otherwise you won’t be able to help those who depend on you. I’m happy to hear that you’re already incorporating some self-care activities, such as meditation and yoga.

I think it’s difficult when I have always struggled with not feeling good enough. My standards are quite high and I have some unrealistic expectations.

It’s good that you’re aware of those perfectionist tendencies. But by all accounts, you are a good enough mother. I think that for a child to feel secure it’s also important that the mother feels relatively relaxed – that she’s not in the fight-or-flight all the time. I think if you’re pressuring yourself too much, to the point of burnout, it’s not good for your nervous system, and your son will feel it too.

My mother was worrying all the time, and was rarely happy and relaxed. And I think that’s what I missed the most. I would have much rather had a happy and relaxed mother than a cooked meal every day, or the flat perfectly clean. Truth to be told, my mother wasn’t stressed and in a bad mood only because of many duties, but because of her character too – she was a rather pessimistic person and hard to please. But nevertheless, if you manage to worry a little less about your performance as a mother, and feel more relaxed about it, I think it will do good both to you and your son <3

I hope I’m not oversimplifying things. For what it’s worth, I think you’re doing a great job. Perhaps the only thing you miss is a little more self-confidence and trust that indeed you’re a good, caring mother, who is giving her son everything he needs.

I’m also happy you find the time to post here – I appreciate your contributions! <3

Dear Alessa,

you’re doing an enormous work, and enormously important too! I’ve said it before that I admire everyone who chooses to be a parent, and I admire you even more for trying to be a conscious parent and raise your son with as little trauma as possible.

I can imagine how stressful it is, specially if you have to do most of the things alone. I don’t want to pry, but do you have help with child care? You say you’re burnt out, and I feel for you. I do hope you can get some help, at least in those times when you get sick and child care gets extra difficult.

I’m happy that your son is developing nicely, is curious (even overly curious, you say! 🙂 ), active, healthy, and even learning empathy! He sounds like an adorable kid! And you’re a true hero with all the love and effort that you’re putting into his well-being, both physical and emotional. Kudos to you, Alessa, you’re doing an amazing job! <3

I wish you strength, but also a lot of self-compassion, because you don’t need to be a perfect mother, only good enough (as Winnicott said). You can allow yourself to be human, you don’t need to be superhuman! Your kid will appreciate you, even if you don’t smile at all times. Because you are his stable point and his safe haven. And he feels loved and secure with you. And that’s all that matters <3

Sending love and hoping you’ll find a way to get some more rest and avoid burnout!

Dear Anita,

some more musings on what the Copilot said:

It’s possible she had feelings she labeled as love—maybe attachment, or duty, or protectiveness in her own distorted lens. But even if those emotions existed, true love is not measured by intention alone—it must be felt, lived, and received as care.

Your mother probably had an idea of what a good parent is, which is (according to her) that they provide for the child’s physical needs. I remember you saying that she worked a lot so that she can buy you the nicest toys, for example. So in her mind, that was love: sacrificing herself and working hard so that her children can have a certain level of material well-being.

However, she completely disregarded your emotional well-being. In that area, she not only neglected you, but was abusive (my mother was similar). So she might have “loved” you according to her definition of love: put food on the table, buy you nice things, meet your physical/material needs.

But is that love? Well, it’s only a part of it. Because physical needs are not the only thing we need. We’ve already discussed it in the past that emotional needs are even more important, because it is through our relationship with our parents that we learn to either love or hate ourselves. If they’ve been systematically telling us that we’re not good enough (or that we’re “one big zero”), then they’ve taught us to hate ourselves. And they’ve sentenced us to a life of self-loathing – until we’ve awaken to it and start healing it.

So meeting our emotional needs is much more important than giving us material wealth. Of course, some basic care is necessary, such as that we have a roof over our head, regular meals, hygiene, clothes to wear, and such. And that we’re sent to school.

But beyond that, a child won’t be happier with the xth Barbie doll or a new i-phone. However, that same child will feel extremely deprived if they don’t get empathy, affection and support from their parent. In short, what we didn’t get emotionally is much more damaging than what we might not gotten materially.

Anyway, we’ve already discussed this in the past, and maybe I’m repeating myself. But I just wanted to clarify it for myself too, that love – if it’s based on a false notion of love – is not love. Because meeting the child’s physical needs while at the same time crushing their soul is not love. It’s abuse. And it’s much more harmful than depriving the child of some (non-essential) material thing.

Sorry for the rant, but felt the need to get it out 🙂

Dear Anita,

I’ve almost finished a reply to you, but have somehow managed to lose it 🙁 And there is no Undo button here anymore (there used to be), and the Control+Z hasn’t done anything. So my reply is lost 🙁

I usually copy-paste my replies once they’re finished, so they wouldn’t get lost when I press the Submit button. But since it wasn’t completely finished, I haven’t copy-pasted it yet, and it just disappeared. Although I’m not aware of doing anything… I was just scrolling through my reply. Ehhh…

Anyway, what’s done is done. I’ll try to recreate my post a bit later…

Dear Ada,

happy to hear from you! I’m glad you’re getting more clarity and are realizing that it’s okay to stand up for yourself and your core values:

I want to treat my partner as a true equal and try to understand him as I understand myself, but ultimately, I have to prioritize my own voice.

I really just need to be more confident that I’ll be able to defend what’s good for me.

You also say you lack self-esteem:

In general I do struggle with self-esteem and try very hard to see things from other peoples’ perspectives, especially in intimate relationships.

Yes, I’ve noticed that. You are trying your best to understand and accommodate Sam. And I’m glad you’re realizing that this accommodating is okay up to a certain point, but when it crosses over into self-negation and neglecting your own (legitimate) needs and boundaries, that’s when it becomes problematic.

I would be okay with him maintaining his friendship with Sarah if we came to a shared understanding of boundaries. I would not want to enforce boundaries for him that he does not agree with. While I know he would do it for me, he’d be doing it for me.

So what if he were to do it for you? Let me give you an example: let’s say the woman is a bit of an anxious type and asks her partner to let her know that he safely arrived to his destination (say he’s traveling by car long-distance). The guy might think her request is a little silly, because he doesn’t have the same level of anxiety about traveling. But still, he humors her and lets her know that he arrived safely – because he loves her and doesn’t want her to worry. And it’s not an unreasonable request to ask for: it only takes a few seconds to send a text or call. So he empathizes with her and does it FOR her, even if he himself doesn’t see it necessary.

I think it’s totally okay that our partner sometimes does things FOR us, even if they themselves don’t see it as necessary. If our request is reasonable, of course. Your request (or plea) to at least refuse to listen to explicit details of Sarah’s numerous sexual encounters with men – is a very reasonable one. If he isn’t willing to respect it, it shows he isn’t really respecting you and your needs. It means that his need to stay in a “special” relationship with Sarah – with absolutely no boundaries – is greater than his love and respect for you.

And that’s when we come back to the question of why he has this need and why he cannot let go. (One possible reason is because being Sarah’s shoulder to cry on might give him a sense of importance and even self-worth. Or it might give him a sense of belonging. In any case, it fulfills an unmet need at the expense of a healthy, mutually respectful relationship with you.)

I do not want him to lose a meaningful friendship, but some boundaries (like the sexual details) are hard lines for me, so at the very least I would want to be understood on those.

It’s good that you’ve clarified it with yourself that sexual details are a red line for you, and that you wouldn’t be willing to compromise on that. Please keep this in mind when you decide to talk to Sam about it.

I think as long as I feel understood on why those things are upsetting to me, I would be able to move past this.

Yes, it would be good if he would understand you and respect your position, even if he sees no harm in listening to those sexual details. Being able to put ourselves in another person’s shoes and understand their pain is a sign of empathy.

He is an honest person by nature and has always been forthcoming with me. I trust him, and I don’t think he’s trying to hide anything.

Yes, I guess the fact that he told you about the content of his chats with Sarah and the sexual details she is sharing with him is a testament to him not wanting to hide anything from you.

The only conclusion I can come to is that he genuinely doesn’t see why his behavior could be harmful to our relationship, and gets stuck defending his perspective.

Well, that’s worrisome. If he genuinely cannot empathize with you, that’s a problem. Or he might in other cases, but not in this one. If it’s the latter, it would show his own unhealthy attachment to Sarah, which causes him to have a blind spot in this particular issue.

part of my resentment towards Sam stems from not feeling like he truly values who I am — reserved, conservative, introspective. While on some level these traits feel like core values to me, there is a part of me that feels insecure about not having the opposite qualities — open, easy, free.

Are you reserved with him too? Are you sharing your emotions freely with him? Or you’re emotionally withdrawn and refuse to talk about your feelings?

From what you’ve shared so far, you’re not emotionally reserved with him. The fact that you’re not sharing every bit of your emotional and sexual intimacy with your other friends doesn’t make you deficient. He is trying to convince you that you’re deficient, but you’re not.

Where you do seem to be deficient in is self-esteem, as you said it yourself. You don’t value yourself and your qualities, but are allowing someone else (Sam) to tell you that you’re deficient. That something is wrong with you. That you need to “heal” – which would mean to let go of your boundaries and your core values.

I’m sorry but I don’t think Sam values you – he stubbornly refuses to see your point of view and keeps claiming that his behavior is healthy, and yours is deficient. That you’re not “open and free”, whereas her sharing of sexual details of her encounters with men is supposed to be “open, free and easy”?

It’s also interesting that he seems to judge men for a similarly promiscuous behavior like Sarah’s, but he doesn’t seem to judge her:

There are male acquaintances I have had that Sam has judged more harshly as well, for the same reasons. He feels he is naturally more qualified to make moral judgements for them, while he is more accepting of what externally appears to be the same actions from a female friend.

I have trouble accepting that Sam accepts and defends Sarah in her actions, because I don’t feel he values my conservatism and more emotionally reserved nature. How can he love and defend someone who rejects my core values?

He seems to have double standards: what is allowed for Sarah isn’t allowed for your male acquaintances. You also doubt that what he is allowing to himself (having such a level of emotional intimacy with Sarah) he would allow to you, even if he claims he would:

In our arguments he has insisted that he would not mind at all if I wanted to make more emotionally intimate male friends, but this I don’t believe. He’s very moralistic and tends to judge other men very harshly on matters of right/wrong. I can point to many signs he wouldn’t be okay with me having the same level of intimacy in a friendship with another man.

It seems he is strict and judgmental with some people, but very relaxed and full of understanding with other people – for the same kind of behavior.

I would take all of this into account, Ada. Also this what you said about your past relationships:

I have felt insecure in relationships before, but not anything I couldn’t reason through with my partner, and never to this extent.

So maybe it’s not up to you, but up to him?

Dear Ada,

I said at the beginning of this that your message says what I wanted to hear, but I think it’s also what I needed to hear. I needed to know that, at the very least, I am not being unreasonable, and that someone in a similar situation could come to the same conclusions. I think that validation alone will help me in whatever direction this situation resolves in. Thank you.

you’re welcome, Ada! I feel your struggle and your sincere attempts to be fair and objective, to not cause harm or be unfair to Sam. You want to respect him fully and take into account his perspective. You don’t want to hurt him, you don’t want your “selfishness” to limit him in any way.

You’re open to self-reflection and introspection, and if I understood well, your goal is to improve yourself and become a better person (“the question is really what I can accept in a relationship, and what growth for me looks like”.).

I must say that my impression is that Sam is not equally open to self-reflection and introspection. Instead of at least considering that his daily contact and round-the-clock immersion in Sarah’s life and problems might not the healthiest way to live – especially if you are in a relationship with another person – he keeps claiming that that’s the ideal kind of relationship:

Sam would say that the level of intimacy he has with Sarah is healthy, and even desirable, in a best friend, and that I’m the one who needs to be healed

This is how immersed he was in her life at one point:
“He messaged her constantly, every day, talking on the phone at least once a week, or whenever something was hard to explain over text. He’d talk to her about everything that was going on in his daily life, things that happened at work, body pains, Amazon purchases, arguments with family members, memes he found… whatever he was doing at the moment. … basically, if he wasn’t talking to me or doing something else, he was messaging her”.

And then he calls you codependent on him, when in fact his behavior could be qualified as codependent on Sarah.

He is claiming that it would be completely normal and desirable to share all of the details of your life with other people (your friends), and not just him:

Sam would say this isn’t ideal, wouldn’t I want to be able to share all the details about my daily life to other people and not just him? I understand where he is coming from, but I suppose I just don’t feel much of that need.

No, a normal person wouldn’t want to share each moment of their life with multiple people. It’s not by chance that people live in couples, not in threesomes (unless they are practicing polyamory). It’s instinctual for us humans to deeply share with one particular person, whom we call our life partner. It’s not common to treat your life partner the same as your friends, minus the sex.

His idea of what a romantic partnership means seems very distorted. And you, unfortunately, have too much understanding for him. You say you understand where he is coming from. And I guess that’s because you want to be super fair to him, super understanding and empathic. You don’t want to hurt him.

But the problem is that his ideas are upside down, and hurtful to you. You don’t need to accept and justify them. You don’t need to try to understand (and tolerate) something that goes against your instincts and your better judgement. Even against common sense, I’d say.

It seems to me he has been gaslighting you and made you doubt yourself. You said:

My self-doubt, however, asks me if it’s just the one that I want to hear.

A part of you wanted to give up on your instincts and intuition and convince yourself that your needs are selfish. That you’re depriving him of his friendships. When you told him you don’t feel respected, he told you he doesn’t feel respected by you:

Me: I believe that you view her as a close friend, but the amount of emotional intimacy you have shared with her and want to share with her feels like a violation of our relationship. I feel like you don’t respect me or our relationship in the same way I do.
Him: I don’t feel respected either. I care about Sarah like a sister, it’s not fair to me it has to be like this. A close friendship should be emotionally intimate. Why does that have to take away from the intimacy of our relationship?

He repeated his same twisted belief that friendships should be equally emotionally intimate as romantic partnerships, and put the blame on you: you’re trying to limit me, you don’t know what a true friendship is, you’re the one who needs healing, you don’t respect me.

Regarding the explicit descriptions of Sarah’s sexual encounters, you had a strong feeling about that:

I wouldn’t want to hear about explicit details (I’m talking about sexual acts, details at the level of genitalia) from even a close female friend, no matter how funny, and I honestly find Sarah’s behavior disgusting on many levels.

And that’s a normal reaction: you wouldn’t want to hear about explicit sexual details even from a close female friend. But Sam convinced you, and you started justifying it, that it is somehow okay for Sarah to keep telling him about her sexual encounters, because it’s funny, and therefore harmless or something:

He genuinely does not think it is strange to be hearing about her sexual conquests or whatnot. At least in instances he’s shared with me, these intimate details seem to have been shared because they were funny, and maybe that’s why Sam doesn’t find it uncomfortable. And to be fair, it’s not like she is asking him for sex advice, she’s just telling him what happened.

You see? You tried your best to justify his condoning of Sarah’s vulgar talk and not batting an eye about it – whereas in truth, you feel disgusted by it and find it morally objectionable. You tried to suppress your instinct and your better judgment in order to humor him and accept his unacceptable behavior.

Please don’t take it as judgment and criticism of you – I don’t mean it like that at all. It’s more that I’m rather upset by his gaslighting and twisting of things to the point of confusing you and making you doubt your better judgment.

In a sense, while I’d label his behavior as enmeshment with a friend, he’d label mine as codependency with him. Of course, these are just labels and exaggerated, and a healthy relationship is somewhere in the middle. But the point still stands that we have two different perspectives that are both valid, and finding middle ground in the gray areas is challenging.

Well, I don’t think that both of your perspectives are valid. You don’t strike me as codependent on him. You simply want a normal healthy relationship. Whereas he has strange ideas about what a healthy intimate relationship is. And he’s trying to force those ideas on you, making you doubt yourself.

As a result, you started believing that truth is somewhere in the middle, and that you should find a compromise. Luckily, your inner voice is strong enough and didn’t want to accept a compromise on things that shouldn’t be compromised on, such as your core values. And I encourage you not to accept such a compromise – where you compromise your core values.

I’m sorry if I sound “strict”, but I feel he’s gaslighting you, and I really don’t like it. I don’t know how you feel about what I’ve said? Please, don’t take it as judgment, but as sounding an alarm bell. Maybe I’m exaggerating, but I felt the need to speak up.

Dear Ada,

You’re welcome! I’m glad you were able to express your internal conflict and the dichotomy in understanding/accepting Sam’s actions. And that you see this internal conflict so clearly.

Perhaps the most important question you’re asking is this:

The level of emotional intimacy Sam has with Sarah I would consider romantic. These are my boundaries. But I genuinely believe that Sam does not consider it romantic — he doesn’t feel romantic feelings for her. So if I believe this about Sam, does it even matter that I consider it romantic? Am I the one who is not able to honor his feelings due to my own selfishness? I have asked myself these questions in circles, only to be more confused and conflicted.

So you’re asking: if he sees no harm in being emotionally intimate with Sarah, and he has a need to have that level of closeness, and he sees it as completely innocent – who am I to judge him? Who am I to require him to change his emotional sharing with Sarah? Am I not the selfish one in this story?

And my answer is: no, you’re not selfish. And the reason is that his emotional connection with Sarah is more like enmeshment. Enmeshment is not the same as love. It’s a distorted version of love and caring for someone.

What seems to be happening is that Sarah, as you said, is an emotionally wounded person with her own issues, which probably cause her to be promiscuous and engage in the kind of relationships with men that in the past have led to 2 unwanted pregnancies:

She’s flirtatious, promiscuous

She will call him crying about problems in her relationships, and he consoles her. She’s always having problems in her relationships as she’s emotionally damaged,

So what I believe is happening is that instead of working on herself and changing those unhealthy patterns, she is repeating those behaviors again and again, and then running to Sam for comfort and consolation. She uses him as her shoulder to cry on, her confidante and perhaps her therapist.

I don’t know if he’s ever suggested her to seek therapy (which is what she would need), but clearly, he’s not really helping her heal those patterns. He is kind of enabling her by listening to her “love troubles” and even her explicit descriptions of sex with other men. That’s neither therapeutic nor does it serve any helpful purpose. And as Alessa said, “Some people do over share their sexual exploits as a way of flirting.”

By allowing her to come to him with the same problems over and over again, he is actually enabling her, rather than giving her friendly support. Because a good friend would tell her to seek professional help.

Sam did grow up lonely and not feeling like he belonged. There is a part of him that wants to seek out friendships like a child. What I view as blatant boundary violations he views as acts of an ideal friendship, a sense of connection that he didn’t have growing up. I believe too that an ideal friendship should be one where we can feel unconditionally accepted and safe.

We can unconditionally accept someone as a person, but we can have issues with a particular behavior. If you ask me, listening to her sexual escapades is not a sign of friendly love and care, but I believe, of enabling and weak boundaries. Do you know if he feels comfortable hearing such things, or only listens out of politeness?

Sam reaches for emotional connection with other people and me in a way that I have not seen from other men I have dated. I’m conflicted on this, because his emotionality is one of the reasons I love Sam so deeply — besides this issue with Sarah, our relationship has been emotionally vulnerable, honest, and loving.

That’s good to hear. So he is someone who talks about his feelings openly, with you too. You don’t feel like he’s hiding something from you, or not expressing what he’s really feeling.

At the same time, his constant seeking of attention, validation, and need for deep emotional connection with other people is also what pushes me away from him in this case.

Okay, so you recognize that his need for having emotional intimacy with multiple other people – the kind of intimacy that is usually reserved for a romantic relationship – is probably fueled by an unmet emotional need. This could be his inner child seeking belonging, and achieving that by being enmeshed with others emotionally, and not being able to set appropriate boundaries.

But if so, still, it’s an unmet need, and would need to be healed, rather than accepted as his style, as him having a different “emotional map”. His map is different because he is missing something, and he would need to heal that in order to have truly healthy relationships. At least that’s how I see it.

So I still believe you’re not selfish for wanting him to set boundaries with Sarah, and in general, for wanting him to have a different level of intimacy with you than he has with his friends.

You said he had a similar kind of dysfunctional childhood as Sarah (“She’s experienced similar dysfunctional family dynamics in her upbringing and Sam bonded with her over that.”). Has he worked on his childhood issues in therapy? Is he open to that?