Dear Katrine,

He didn’t give me any explanation. Just a no I’ll be going straight to Portugal. To me that’s a break up.

Well yes, if he doesn’t give any explanations and just kind of informs you about his decision, that’s cold. It’s not what someone who cares would do.

I think the best would be to talk to him. Tell him what you told me: that you feel hurt when he changes plans without discussing it with you and just informs you about it. Tell him that this makes you believe he doesn’t care about you and that you’re not important to him any more. Be honest and express your feelings, without attacking  him. And see what he has to say.

So my advice is to try communicating with him before calling it quits, because no relationship can succeed without communication. So I’d give him a chance to clarify what he feels and what his intentions are about you.

Dear David,

you are most welcome! I am glad this confirmed your decision and gave you a peace of mind 🙂

Wishing you good luck with wedding preparations and every happiness in your future marriage!

Hi Adam,

I am glad you resonated with that description of your relationship, and that it puts things into perspective. I do believe it is close to the truth.

No she wasn’t enjoying life at all she was in a terrible spot and it affecting the whole relationship.

Yes, so by quitting her medication and choosing the “do it yourself” route, she actually made things worse. I can imagine that doing it alone, without professional help, rarely works out. It’s a pity that she didn’t want to see that and is most likely delaying her healing.

I am still processing it and realizing that it’s actually over for the best. I can feel small improvements slowly coming. I daydream not as much as last time we split.

I am glad you can actually think of this breakup as something not so terrible, and that you’re daydreaming less than the last time. Try to stay anchored in your rational self, who can see the reality. If you start drifting into daydreaming, you can pull up that list of grievances, to serve as a metaphorical splash of cold water on your face. (You may even splash your face with cold water for real, if you think it would help you stay real and not drift away into fantasy).

She did allow me to feel the deepest feelings I’ve had in my life. When it comes to a romantic partner atleast. I am proud of myself for how good of a lover and partner I was even if we didn’t always see eye to eye.

Good! Please don’t forget that you did your best and are not responsible for how it ended.

Maybe it does have something to do with being able to fully feel. Like I said earlier it was the most I’ve ever felt. I really was on cloud nine at times.

When we feel a very strong longing and attraction for someone, it’s often because they fill a hole in our being, they possess something we believe we don’t, and we believe this “something” will make us complete. So perhaps she had a quality you admired and believed you yourself don’t possess?

You wrote that you previous girlfriends were not as laid back, and that you had to walk on egg shells around them. (I probably wasn’t very considerate during my first couple relationships. They would definitely frustrate me a lot with their own problems which is harsh to say. …. I did feel like I was stepping on eggshells with them. They were not as laid back). It turned out that this girl made you walk on egg shells too, eventually. But perhaps in the beginning she seemed more laid back?

Hi Adam,

I think if she reached out anytime soon I would have a discussion with her about why we can’t.

Good! She might actually reach out, since so far you always wanted her back. But it’s great if you feel strong enough to tell her no now.

What do you think if she reaches out in the distant future? That is a worry of mine. I feel as I would still have some attachment years from now.

Hm… I wouldn’t worry about that right now. You don’t know what the future holds. I think the most important at this point is for you to learn your lessons from this experience: to be less vulnerable to emotional abuse and more able to recognize it if it starts happening in a potential new relationship.

I hope you can move on from this and find yourself again. And be less prone to being manipulated and silenced like this. If you focus on that, you’ll grow as a person, and you’ll know what to do if she ever reaches out. As a general advice, if she isn’t in therapy (or stable mentally) and doesn’t have a job, she hasn’t move forward with her healing. And she would be in the same place, or worse, as now.

But don’t linger on that possibility too much, because that’s again fantasizing about some future situation, where things might be better and where you might rekindle your relationship. Which is a part of that same daydreaming and clinging – which you need to heal!

I never even had a thought of emotional abuse in my life until the week before the break up. I think I was experiencing it more and more as time went on. I felt like at the start when she was working and on her correct medication that the relationship was a lot better

It’s quite possible that she was feeling better when she was on medication. But then something prompted her to try to wean off on her own, without going to therapy, which was a very unhealthy move. And it took a toll…

But come to think of it we had break ups every 2 months. Either way we were splitting up but maybe it wasn’t until later when I actually experienced the manipulation etc.

Or perhaps you became more sensitive to it, more able to recognize it? If I remember well, after the last breakup you didn’t feel like you were walking on egg shells around her. But now, in this last period, it became quite obvious to you. So perhaps you were deluding yourself and had a blind spot, which prevented you from noticing certain things? And at the same time, she probably got more and more demanding, and you more and more “obeying”, not to upset her.

I know how to treat myself right and focus on myself it will come to me again soon enough. I have support for when I’m lonely and daydreaming. I am obviously upset but overall I’m coping. Still a bit of a shock to the system in saying that even after so many times.

I am glad you have support, both of your friends and family, and that you know how to treat yourself well. Yes, you are doing the right steps! You can’t just expect to heal over night, it will take time. So be patient with yourself, but whatever you do, don’t allow to go too deep into daydreaming and beautifying the times when you were together.

I will start writing some stuff down myself but any help would be greatly appreciated!

Here it is, the list of “grievances” that you expressed about her. I did minimal edits, to make it as succinct as possible:

1. Really did feel like it was all about her. A remote control car was a perfect analogy. She really did control everything including how I felt.
2. I felt as if I couldn’t be myself and do what I want to do. She needed a caregiver 247 and when I wasn’t there for her it was again signs of me not loving her enough and her not getting what she was wanting.
3. I feel quite attacked. My side was never considered and she would selfishly use me as a punching bag for her irrational behavior.
4. I felt I was trapped and walking on egg shells, any word or action could set her off and cause me anxiety about what’s around the corner.
5. It wasn’t a relationship that I wanted but I did tell myself and I push past this and deal with all the bad despite how it made me feel.
6. The whole situation sucks. I’ve just woken up to what was happening and I also got over trying to fill a bottomless pit with my love.
7. I lost myself in the process.
8. I started seeing the signs of emotional abuse last week. This was definitely what I was experience as well as manipulation.
9. I feel violated and taken advantage of.
10. I was constantly told I wasn’t listening to her or understanding her needs. Yet I understood fully, however she didn’t understand mine.
11. She would accuse me of not having my priorities right, expecting that she should be number 1 before anything else.
12. I felt so trapped and alone the day before she left me. It’s because I was in the end.
13. I was suffering in silence because of her mental instability.
14. I felt as I couldn’t speak in fear of upsetting her or just being straight up rejected.
15. I was relying on her for happiness in a lot of cases but I slowly started to feel alone towards the end.
16. I lost myself trying to help her.
17. I couldn’t constantly be responsible for how she was feeling. I never made her responsible for my feelings.
18. It’s a shock to the system realizing I was being abused and manipulated a lot of the time.
19. I felt the less I’d upset her the more I would be anxious on walking on egg shells. But when I spoke up I felt I was shut down and told I wasn’t listening to her.
20. She took everything I said about her as an attack. All my comments about her getting work, her attitude etc were always taken personally and I was told not to bring it up. She use to say things along the lines of ‘I shouldn’t feel bad for feeling a certain way‘ , yet when I would say something similar it was unfair in her eyes. It was always a double standard.
21. She didn’t want to change. She wanted to relationship to work around her and accommodate to her needs and wants.
22. I am going to move on because that’s not what I want from a partner in the end. A relationship shouldn’t be that difficult. It was super toxic.
23. She definitely used the break ups as a way to control me, whether she knew it or not. She knew I was readily available when she wanted.
24. There was so many things, mostly innocent that triggered her. Whenever there was a disagreement her first reaction was to leave and it almost seemed like a power move to keep me on my toes.
25. No time was any different, it honestly just got worse and spiraled out of control. All the false promises, still no work, still left, still unstable and the list goes on. Those few things should’ve been enough for me to leave.
26. Leaving would’ve been a healthy reaction in the first place. It was all just a fantasy and in reality she was not good for me.
27. I was trapped and got brought down by her disgusting moods.
28. She blamed me for a lot. Made me feel worthless and like I was doing something wrong but it was her just taking anger out on me.
29. She wanted me to know that I can’t pick and choose when I see her. I stopped asking for my own time after that.

I hope it will help you stay on track!

As for the childhood stuff, I am glad you had a good childhood and no bad memories. I don’t know why you would be susceptible like that, but there also could be external factors for our issues. It doesn’t necessarily have to do with our parents. You did mention once that you suffer from occasional anxiety, so perhaps there is something there to look at.

Anyway, I wish you slow but steady progress and healing with his. Take care of yourself, be gentle on yourself. Post anytime!

Hi Adam,

No we are not staying friends. Like you mentioned I was there for her for 11 months straight.

Good you’re not staying friends!

She was only saying things like ‘I’d love to still have you in my life’ but I don’t think she actually meant it. If she did I would be.

I think you shouldn’t agree to stay in her life even if she asks for it. Because it would inevitably lead to getting attached to her again and sucked into the relationship. So please, if she reaches out wanting to be friends, don’t accommodate her. Because you need to focus on yourself in this next phase. You can’t be sucked into caring about her all the time, which inevitably leads to emotional abuse and losing yourself.

She really blamed me for a lot. It hurt to hear her say that in her final message. That she took it out on me because that’s what it really felt like at the time and I was so confused, I tore myself apart because I thought I was overthinking it. Made me feel worthless and like I was doing something wrong but it was her just taking anger out on me.

Yeah, as you said, you ended up being her punching bag. That was clearly emotional abuse – blaming you and not taking responsibility for her own moods and actions.

There was so many things, mostly innocent that triggered her. I wouldn’t even no where to start but whenever there was a disagreement her first reaction was to leave and it almost seemed like a power move to keep me on my toes.

Yes, it seems she was using withdrawal and breakups as a means to control you, to make you more accommodating and more compliant with her needs.

However the next day she told me she only said that to be petty. She wanted me to know that I can’t pick and choose when I see her. I stopped asking for my own time after that.

Wow, that’s really controlling! It’s like saying “your needs don’t matter, I don’t care what you want. It only matters what I want. If I need you, you’ll get here, no discussion about that!” It’s almost like wanting to completely possess you. And you yielded, in fact. You stopped asking anything for yourself…

I was like a parent, partner, caretaker, brother and a friend all in one. It was a full time job and it became so consuming and overwhelming.

Yes, and she wanted to possess you completely, it seems. You were her ownership, not a free person with your own needs and wants.

I am trying to focus on things that make me happy. Work and my house is a big priority for me. At the moment it’s hard to find things that make me happy

I think the reason you don’t know what makes you happy is that you have been completely focused on her for a long time. Did you have hobbies in the past? Did you have things you enjoyed doing?

You say your work and house are a priority for you. Is that something that makes you happy, or it’s more like tasks that need to be tended to?

I’m glad I’m not walking on egg shells anymore. I had this realization last night when I was sitting and home and it just seemed so peaceful. No responsibility with how another person is feeling. No bad moods affecting my mood.

Yes, it’s liberating. Cherish those moments free from emotional abuse. However, it can be that after a while you’ll start feeling bored and down a little bit… Do you have friends you can spend time with on the weekends? Something or someone to help you with those lonely moments that will inevitably creep up after a while?

I felt loved as a child I think as a teenager, especially from girls I didn’t feel loved. More judged. I might have attachment issues because of this, I’m planning to speak to my psych about it too.

So you felt judged by girls, not loved? It’s a bit like with her too – she judged you, you were never good enough.

Have you felt judged, or otherwise not adequate, in your childhood too? For example, have you tried to please your mother, help her the best you can, but she was often frustrated and unhappy about something (not necessarily about you, but about life)?

I am asking because that’s usually how codependency develops: if we are our parent’s helper and they rely on us sometimes even for emotional support. So we become “parentified”, i.e. a little bit like parents to them, which is role reversal. Our needs don’t get met, because we try to meet our parent’s needs. Anyway, I am not claiming anything since I don’t know much about your childhood. Just saying what can be the cause of codependent behavior once we grow up.

Any tips of healing my inner child? It’s been a week now and I’m honestly feeling okay, I’m just digging up all the old things that I kept my mouth shut about. And there is a lot of things I regret not speaking up about but as discussed it wouldn’t have changed anything if I told her.

That’s good that you looking back and revisiting your relationship, and noticing how and when you were poorly treated. Being aware of how we were mistreated is a key step in preventing abuse in the future.

As for the inner child, well, for now I’d suggest to look within. Bring your focus on your own needs. Start first self-care first: basic physiological needs, lots of sleep and rest, healthy food and exercise. When we’re codependent, we neglect our own needs and focus totally on the other person. So now, bring that focus back on yourself. You have the right to care for yourself and be a little “selfish” about it.

Also, when you start feeling lonely and perhaps start daydreaming about her again, have someone to reach out to to talk to and hang out with. Don’t stay alone with your sadness and longing. You can always post here if you start feeling down.

Also, I recommend writing down on a piece of paper all of the abusive stuff she did and how you felt as a result. For example, walking on eggshells, being accused of not having her as your No1 priority, not being allowed to have needs of your own, being like on remote control, feeling like a punching bag, becoming a shell, etc etc. If you want, I can help you create that list based on what you’ve shared here.

But basically, to have a list of “grievances” ready for those challenges moments when you start forgetting how bad it was and fantasizing of getting back together.

So I think at this point what is important is to have a set of precautions in place not to fall into limerence and fantasizing. Surround yourself with supportive people. Go to therapy. Take care of yourself and your basic needs.

And keep posting here as well, for as long as you need…

Hi Adam,

I am glad you’ve exchanged your belongings, and even though it was uncomfortable, you’re over it now. At least you don’t need to meet her again.

She said she wants to be there for each other but doesn’t see how it would work without being together.

I strongly suggest to forget about “staying friends” with her, because it’s not possible. You always end up sucked back into the relationship. Since you’re definitely not neutral towards each other and there are hurts and resentments, it wouldn’t be possible to stay friends. No need for it either. You don’t need to be there for her – you tried in the past 11 months, and this is how it ended. So the only feasible option is to go your separate ways. Wish her well (in your thoughts) and start focusing on your own life.

She admitted to emotionally processing the break up before it happened and taking it out on me. Her ‘deal breaker’ was the difference between us. Because of the differences in us it wasn’t the relationship she wanted to have. Made me realise that it was all manipulation, especially this.

Yes, it does seem like an excuse. Frankly, it seems to me that the biggest difference is that you wanted her to change, and she didn’t. That was the key stumbling block. If she wanted to work on her issues, to at least make one step in that direction, things would have been different. But like this, there was no chance.

No she didn’t want to change. By her last message she wanted to relationship to work around her and accommodate to her needs and wants. I am starting to see it now more I think.

Good. Glad you’re waking up to the fact that no matter how accommodating and careful you were around her, she always found something to be displeased with. You said she has been complaining recently that you’re not there for her 24/7, that she is not your priority etc. She behaved like a spoiled child a little, and blamed you for it…

She definitely used the break ups as a way to control me, whether she knew it or not. She knew I was readily available when she wanted. When she would pull away I would always be following behind ready to give her my heart back but not this time.

Yes, I remember last time she broke up with you you really wanted her back badly. You thought she sincerely wanted to change and work on her issues…. but this turned out to be wishful thinking. I hope you see that waiting for her to change, or nudging her, is futile. The only healthy way – which won’t be destructive for you – is to let her go.

No time was any different, it honestly just got worse and spiraled out of control. All the false promises, still no work, still left, still unstable and the list goes on. Those few things should’ve been enough for me to leave. As you said leaving would’ve been a healthy reaction in the first place. It was all just a fantasy and in reality she was not good for me.

Yes, I am glad you see it now.

I was good enough though in the end she even said I did nothing wrong which I already knew. It was her not me. I was trapped and got brought down by her disgusting moods.

Good that you realize that you didn’t do anything wrong. You’ve tried to support her. You even stopped asking her about her job. But she still found stuff to complain about. But that’s how we are when we have unresolved trauma – our unhappiness and frustration come from within. And no matter how someone can be kind to us, we still react, we still blame them and take out our frustration on them. Unfortunately, that’s what she was doing to you.

It does hurt a lot and the pain of being alone I can handle but it’s just how she burned me that hurts. I trusted her completely again and it was broken again. It’s always the ones closest to you. I know what I deserve though.

Yeah, you trusted her words, and they were misleading because she would promise things, but would never act on it. She said she wanted to heal and get better, but did nothing towards it. You even thought she was breaking up with you because she wanted to spare you from her moods. Whereas the reality was that she was too triggered to stay in the relationship and perhaps was even punishing you for mentioning anything that disturbed her.

I’ll get back to being happy pretty quickly I think. I will find my passions again and the weekend boredom will soon vanish. It’s still quite fresh for me.

Well, you don’t need to force yourself to get over her quickly. Take your time. It won’t be easy and it cannot be easy, because you were so attached to her. And the vulnerable part of you – who wanted to trust her blindly – is still in you. I think you’ll need to develop a relationship with that vulnerable part of you (your inner child) and be like a good parent to him.

Up until now you served a little bit like a parent to your ex, because you do have a strong adult part in you, who is responsible, wants to plan for the future, focus on his life goals etc. You tried to parent her (soothe her, console her, encourage her), and at the same time nudge her to come up higher, to take responsibility for her life. You’ve been a good “parent” to her. The only problem is that that’s not what we should be to our romantic partner. However, you should be a good parent to your own inner child.

So I encourage you to develop a relationship with your inner child – with the little boy you were x years ago. Talk to him, soothe him, tell him you love him and you are proud of him, and that he’s an amazing chap. Be a good parent to him. Does this make sense to you? Do you think you can get in touch with your inner child?

And at the same time, go back to your hobbies, things that give you joy, which you might have neglected. That’s good both for your inner child and your adult self too. Do what makes you happy.

I get so attached and clingy especially with exes and I don’t know why. I think it’s because now that person is gone all the memories we shared feel like they are gone as well.

I do have a deep longing for love and maybe it’s related to my inner child.

Yeah, I think your inner child needs to feel loved. Perhaps in your childhood you didn’t feel loved, or you didn’t feel good enough to feel loved, and that’s what’s making you vulnerable now? Once you can give love to your inner child, the inner pain and longing will lessen, and you’ll be less attracted to people who can’t really love you.

I know one day I will find someone but in the meantime I will try focus on loving myself again.

Very well said. You do need to learn to love yourself again, and as a part of that task, love your inner child too. I think if you do that, your healing will be complete.

Dear Dafne,

thank you for your kind words.

I understand you feel lonely and would like to have a man in your life. But not any man. You yourself said you want a decent, honest man, who wants a committed relationship, hopefully marriage, and whose intention is not to take advantage of you. You want him to see you as a person and appreciate you. You don’t want him to use you for selfish reasons, such as sex or care-taking, help in the household and such.

I think the first thing would be to tell yourself that you deserve such a man. That you don’t need to settle for bread crumbs. For men who will use you and discard you. You need to have self-respect, so that men will respect you too. If you chase lousy men, then good, solid men won’t be able to find you. That’s the “cab light” principle that Anna Runkle was talking about in the video I sent you.

Honestly, I think this man is in the “lousy” category, since he is interested in sex only. I am glad you didn’t give in to his demands and that you kept your boundaries. So you did show self-respect, which is good!

I understand you want to try once again, even though I believe it’s not a good idea. But if you contact him, don’t allow by any means to be manipulated into going to his apartment first. If he suggests that, refuse. For that, you can use the wording I already gave you.

As for the message you want to send him now, you can say something like “Hey [his name], how have you been? You mentioned last time that you’re interested in going for a walk or a yoga class with me. Do you have time for that this week? Let me know…”

I’ll try to follow the coach you recommend me and heal my heart first.

That’s a good decision, and the best path if you want to find true love. It won’t be quick though, because healing is a process. But so is finding a good man. However, if you have self-respect and are able to keep your standards, I am sure such a man will show up.

I think that for starters you may want to write down on a piece of paper what exactly you want from a man. That’s what Anna Runkle suggests too in her dating course. As an example, you can write something like I wrote above:

“I want a decent, honest man, who wants a committed relationship, hopefully marriage, and whose intention is not to take advantage of me. I want him to see me as a person and appreciate me. I don’t want him to use me for selfish reasons, such as sex or care-taking or help in the household.”

Write down your own version of this, and keep it as a reminder. Don’t settle for less than someone who respects you.

Dear Dafne, I am very glad I helped you clarify some of the confusion and keep a positive attitude. I am rooting for you and am here, if you need help.

Let me know how he responded to the text, if you choose to send it…